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Original poster

Was he calling me fat?

424 replies

AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 19:59

I posted earlier this year because I was pissed off that pretty much any man I've ever dated has commented negatively on my appearance at some point - either comments about my looks or body. Often hints or direct comments that I'm fat. I always end it within days. Never immediately because I don't want them to think they've upset me.

The general consensus was that I'm either just unlucky or I'm reading things into comments that aren't intended.

Well, it's happened again. So I wanted to run it by you lot for an impartial judgement.

I've been seeing a man I've known for around 18 months since January. He a friend of friends and we've loosely been in each other's social group for a few years but only really became friends 18 months ago.

I'm a size 12 and 5'4.

We went out on Saturday for the day. He was gigging in the evening so needed to get changed. I stayed as I was. I asked him which shirt he was changing into and said he didn't know, what did I think. So I suggested a shirt of his that he knows is my favourite.

The following conversation went like this (pretty much verbatim).

Him: "OK, I'll wear that one then as you like it Smile"
Me: "I do. You always look nice but I really like you in that one Smile"
Him: "OK... I feel I really ought to return the favour... oh I feel really bad saying this... That dress you're wearing really isn't the most flattering one you have"
Me: "Really? Oh well, that's tough really, it's the one I'm wearing and I don't have another with me."

Fwiw, the dress is casual - a black jersey maxi dress with a loose tie belt. I thought I looked quite nice in it and, more than that, the last time I wore it, someone asked me if I'd lost weight because it was "very slimming."

It possibly isn't the 'prettiest' dress I own, nor the most flattering but I don't think I looked so bad in it that it warranted a comment - especially as we were going out for the day/evening and would be spending it with his friends.

I didn't let it bother me as such but it was on my mind the whole day/evening 😕

This is typical of the sort of comment I get. It's rare that anyone has actually said directly, "You're fat," But these 'innocent' or helpful comments (eg "you look lovely but could stand to lose a couple of kilos") are ones I always get. Hence, I haven't had a relationship lasting more than a few months for 10 years!

If I'd asked him and he'd said that, I wouldn't mind at all because then I'd have been looking for an honest response. But I've never asked him, or anyone else, "How do I look?" because I don't see the point in inviting the negative comments.

What does it sound like to you?

OP posts:
Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 22:28

So basically he's just not allowed any kind of opinion on you, his girlfriend ?

He can hold whatever opinion he likes. But I don't want to hear it.

OP posts:
Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 22:29

If from the start you’d be honest and say ‘I really hate compliments or comments on my appearance’ then he (or anyone else you date) would know not to comment. They’re nit mind readers...

But it wasn't a compliment. It was a criticism. And totally unnecessary.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/06/2021 22:30

He can hold whatever opinion he likes. But I don't want to hear it.

To be fair, if you're offering opinion (whether invited or not) on his clothing choices then I can understand him assuming you're ok with him doing the same. I'm not saying that's right / wrong and of course you feel how you feel, but in his head it's probably not a giant leap from you being happy to comment on his clothing to being happy to hear comment about yours.

NoSquirrels · 28/06/2021 22:31

He likes me to have an opinion on what he is wearing. He asks me for my opinion everytime. He likes to know that i like what he is wearing.

He is a man which gives a shit about other people’s opinions of his appearance. He assumes you also share this trait.

Tell him you don’t.

WaltzingBetty · 28/06/2021 22:31

@AllRainedOut

Or that he really cares about you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings

Surely then he would have said nothing.

Unflatttering doesn't mean what you and@Changethatname81think it means. The dictionary definition is:notflattering, or making someonelook lessattractive orseemworse thanusual

I don't really think that's any better tbh.

I don't really want to be told I'm unattractive or look worse than usual either.

He didn't say you were unattractive (you do have a flair for making things up...)

It's not very nice to be told that an outfit doesn't suit you and is definitely tactless, but it's useful information to have🤷‍♀️

Like I said earlier though. If this is so difficult for you that you need to create a bunch of personal insults he didn't say to justify your reaction and to canvas opinions in the internet, it's probably not the right relationship for you

moonbedazzled · 28/06/2021 22:31

Have ever you told him not remark in any way about your appearance or clothes?

WaltzingBetty · 28/06/2021 22:32

@AllRainedOut

So basically he's just not allowed any kind of opinion on you, his girlfriend ?

He can hold whatever opinion he likes. But I don't want to hear it.

Yeah. End it OP

For his sake

NoSquirrels · 28/06/2021 22:32

@AllRainedOut

If from the start you’d be honest and say ‘I really hate compliments or comments on my appearance’ then he (or anyone else you date) would know not to comment. They’re nit mind readers...

But it wasn't a compliment. It was a criticism. And totally unnecessary.

Fine. But he doesn’t know you don’t like ANY COMMENT positive or negative.

He doesn’t know.

You have to either find a bloke who doesn’t think to care about this, or you have to tell people you date up front that this is a dealbreaker for you personally.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/06/2021 22:33

Then dump him OP, stop seeing him. As nothing anyone is saying is comforting you I think maybe it's best you cut ties with men who comment on physical stuff in a 'honest but potentially hurtful' kind of way rather than ask what people think of what they said. Because you're not ok with it, to the point it bothers you that much, and that's what matters.

Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 22:33

But it does suit me. That's the thing. I look nice in it.

You can't patrol what people say. He didn't say anything bad. He didn't make a negative comment about you personally. He just didn't like your dress. And I guess he's hoping you don't wear it again. You're in a relationship, if you can't even say you don't like a jumper or a scarf, I don't see the relationship has much legs really.

He didn't say he didn't like the dress. He said it wasn't flattering on me. That's different and he will have known that.

OP posts:
Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 28/06/2021 22:35

The whole of this issue could be resolved with a conversation. You say to him " i really didn't like it when you said my dress was unflattering. I find comments on my appearance very difficult so please, just don't comment"

He either says "ok" and you move on or he continues to comment in which case you bin him .

But please start being kinder to yourself.

InTheNightGarter · 28/06/2021 22:38

Hi OP.

There's a lot of gaslighting on this thread in my opinion. I agree with you that what he said was problematic for these reasons:

  • He said he should return the compliment then criticised you.
  • Saying something isn't flattering means that it's not flattering your body shape and in turn implies that it's making you look bigger than you actually are- IE it's the same as saying "you look a bit fat in that." (I am sure you didn't as you are a 12(!) but I'm saying I hear you and I agree with your perception of the comment.
  • The fact it was IMO an unsolicited nasty jibe is a major red flag. It's not as if you had anything to change into, so what's the point?

Maybe he just really didn't like the dress, and has liked other things you've worn more, but it's crass, disrespectful and insensitive to blurt it out before you're going out when you nothing else to wear. Plus it's rude and unkind.

moonbedazzled · 28/06/2021 22:39

"It's not a flattering dress, it's not flattering on you, it doesn't do anything for you." They all mean the same thing. It's the dress that's the problem, not you. The fact that you're analysing it so closely is really a problem of your making, rather than his intention.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/06/2021 22:39

He didn't say he didn't like the dress. He said it wasn't flattering on me. That's different and he will have known that.

Right. If you think he knew that and think that he was critiquing your body rather than saying the dress isn't favourite of yours then let him go.

Because if you're right he's a dick and if you're wrong you're not ready to be in a relationship yet.

BastardMonkfish · 28/06/2021 22:44

I think he was trying to tell you he wants to see you in something more revealing/brighter/whatever, probably because you were out with his mates. I think you need to agree with each other that either you comment on appearances or you don't if you want to stay together. You come across as having a bit of a chip on your shoulder about this so maybe no comments would be better.

FrangipaniBlue · 28/06/2021 22:46

*Because he said it was unflattering. I don't know what else he could have meant by that.

He said he felt really bad saying it.*

He means you're clearly NOT fat nor ugly but for whatever reason that particular dress either makes you look larger than you are or the colouring doesn't suit your skin tone or whatever. He felt bad because he doesn't want you to think that he thinks you're fat or ugly.

*He asks how he looks, what I think of a particular item of clothing. I wouldn't say anything otherwise. He can wear relationship He likes but I know that he likes it when I show an interest so I do.

I never ask. Not once have I asked him how I look or what he thinks of what I'm wearing. I don't want to hear anything evasive akd I don't want to put him in a position where he feels uncomfortable.*

Clearly he's comfortable talking about his appearance so has assumed the same of you. I totally understand that you haven't asked for his opinion, but have you actually told him that you don't want it and that discussing your appearance makes you uncomfortable?

lmao88 · 28/06/2021 22:48

Sorry OP but I think you're being a bit sensitive. If you've known this guy for 18 months now surely he doesn't need to tread on eggshells around you, even if his comments were unwarranted or not. Re. Subject line - no he did not call you fat as per your details.

When you have established a long-term relationship with someone don't you want that person to be honest, who won't mislead you, someone with a genuine opinion. The guy has his perspective, your dress was not flattering, but in your opinion it is. There's no fat shaming. Like you said, you leave guys after they have commented on your appearance, comments which disturb you, how are you going to hold down a relationship like this, I'm sure not every guy is being a dick, also the older you get the more aging of the skin and body, and physical maintainence becomes more challenging, I guess your young (like under 30 - I assuming it coz you go gigging) so have more mental stamina, a one off comment isn't a red flag.

Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 22:53

I'm in my 40s. Its never going to get any better.

OP posts:
Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 22:57

@lmao88

Sorry OP but I think you're being a bit sensitive. If you've known this guy for 18 months now surely he doesn't need to tread on eggshells around you, even if his comments were unwarranted or not. Re. Subject line - no he did not call you fat as per your details.

When you have established a long-term relationship with someone don't you want that person to be honest, who won't mislead you, someone with a genuine opinion. The guy has his perspective, your dress was not flattering, but in your opinion it is. There's no fat shaming. Like you said, you leave guys after they have commented on your appearance, comments which disturb you, how are you going to hold down a relationship like this, I'm sure not every guy is being a dick, also the older you get the more aging of the skin and body, and physical maintainence becomes more challenging, I guess your young (like under 30 - I assuming it coz you go gigging) so have more mental stamina, a one off comment isn't a red flag.

I don't know. I've not had a long term relationship for nearly 10 years and, when I did it wasn't good. I don't know what it's like. Or what it should be like.
OP posts:
QuentinBunbury · 28/06/2021 23:00

Maybe ask him what he meant? But I'm still with you. It was rude and I'm not surprised you are hurt.
My mum always says "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". Maybe tell him that. If you decide to talk to him.

BTW I'm a similar size to you and that dress is what I'd wear and it would suit me. It's just a casual black dress. I really can't see how it could be a problem

SingingInTheShithouse · 28/06/2021 23:05

I don't think he was calling you fat at all, but as you mentioned he was "gigging" perhaps he was very clumsily trying to say he'd like you to make a bit more effort with your dress for his gig.

Not ideal, especially not if you were already well dressed, but I'm sure we've all had times when we'd like to see our DPs in something we like better given an occasion. After all you picked a shirt for him

I also can't see why you'd worry about been called fat anyway when at that size & height, you're clearly not

thatsmyumbrellaellla · 28/06/2021 23:10

I haven't rtft but I have that dress and no I don't think he was saying you were fat. It's not the most flattering dress because it doesn't have much shape I wore the dress when I was size 18 and now a 10 and it doesn't look much different however I don't think he should have commented since you didn't ask.

SkiingIsHeaven · 28/06/2021 23:11

Maybe he wanted you to take it off so he could ravage you. ( in a good way).

Fml2015 · 28/06/2021 23:16

He was calling you fast. He dosent like your dress. My DP wouldn't like that dress and would tell me. I would tell him where to go. Some times he has a point and I change other times I don't care because I feel great.

Worst thing about your situation is that you had nothing else to wear. No doubt leaving you feeling meh. I think it would be different if you was at your house and he could suggest a dress that he really likes you in.
Bottom line is he dosent like the dress and thinks you look much better in other clothes. Can't knock good honesty just crap delivery and timing.

Almondcroissant25 · 28/06/2021 23:17

I do feel for you on this one OP as it’s never nice to receive criticism, but it sounds like you take trivial things to heart because of your own insecurities. You need to let someone know if they’ve upset you, the whole point in having that bond and partnership is that you can communicate your feelings honestly and constructively. You’re never going to sustain a relationship if you dump someone any time they slightly upset you or say the wrong thing. And how is he to know not to make certain comments if you aren’t bringing him up on them? If this was my partner, I would have said something along the lines of ‘Oi, what’s wrong with it?!’ in a playful way and gone from there. Equally, if it had offended me, I’d have told him so.

It seems a very immature way of handling things to run away from a relationship without explanation any time there’s a minor issue. I think you’d be much happier in yourself and your relationships if you own issues and talk them through, tell people what you will and won’t accept - dealing with things in this way is a confidence boost in itself, give yourself a voice!