Was he calling me fat?

[AllRainedOut]

I posted earlier this year because I was pissed off that pretty much any man I've ever dated has commented negatively on my appearance at some point - either comments about my looks or body. Often hints or direct comments that I'm fat. I always end it within days. Never immediately because I don't want them to think they've upset me.

The general consensus was that I'm either just unlucky or I'm reading things into comments that aren't intended.

Well, it's happened again. So I wanted to run it by you lot for an impartial judgement.

I've been seeing a man I've known for around 18 months since January. He a friend of friends and we've loosely been in each other's social group for a few years but only really became friends 18 months ago.

I'm a size 12 and 5'4.

We went out on Saturday for the day. He was gigging in the evening so needed to get changed. I stayed as I was. I asked him which shirt he was changing into and said he didn't know, what did I think. So I suggested a shirt of his that he knows is my favourite.

The following conversation went like this (pretty much verbatim).

Him: "OK, I'll wear that one then as you like it "
Me: "I do. You always look nice but I really like you in that one "
Him: "OK... I feel I really ought to return the favour... oh I feel really bad saying this... That dress you're wearing really isn't the most flattering one you have"
Me: "Really? Oh well, that's tough really, it's the one I'm wearing and I don't have another with me."

Fwiw, the dress is casual - a black jersey maxi dress with a loose tie belt. I thought I looked quite nice in it and, more than that, the last time I wore it, someone asked me if I'd lost weight because it was "very slimming."

It possibly isn't the 'prettiest' dress I own, nor the most flattering but I don't think I looked so bad in it that it warranted a comment - especially as we were going out for the day/evening and would be spending it with his friends.

I didn't let it bother me as such but it was on my mind the whole day/evening 😕

This is typical of the sort of comment I get. It's rare that anyone has actually said directly, "You're fat," But these 'innocent' or helpful comments (eg "you look lovely but could stand to lose a couple of kilos") are ones I always get. Hence, I haven't had a relationship lasting more than a few months for 10 years!

If I'd asked him and he'd said that, I wouldn't mind at all because then I'd have been looking for an honest response. But I've never asked him, or anyone else, "How do I look?" because I don't see the point in inviting the negative comments.

What does it sound like to you?

Honestly OP if you're determined to ignore a thread full if advice so that you can latch onto a single post that reinforces your insecurities that is your choice.

You have the power to change how you feel about yourself by seeking help and support.

But it makes no sense to keep repeating your own behaviour patterns and expecting different results

And the fact he said he felt really bad for saying it before doing so shows he knew it was an unkind thing to say.

I've had extensive therapy for how I see myself. It hasn't made any difference. I've just accepted it now and I work with it.

I just don't understand why other people (men) feel the need to criticise.

I haven't latched on to the one post that agrees with me. I acknowledged that that post reflected how I feel about it.

I haven't disregarded other posts at all.

You sound unhappy in yourself op and it is so sad.
You need to start believing in yourself a bit, love yourself before wanting anyone else to love you.

I really AM fat. Very very overweight. But i think that if i put a bit of slap on and show off my best assets, i look ok and my dh thinks i am sexy!
It is all about what is inside that counts.

The fact he said he felt bad for saying it shows he's not wantonly rude. You wore a dress, he didn't like it. You've been going out 6 months. Surely after 6 months you can be honest over one item of clothing.

But I didn't ask him for his opinion.

@AllRainedOut

I'd just really like to meet someone one day who didn't feel the need to comment on what I look like

And I wish it didn't bother me.

People assume that I'm really.confident and that's why I don't feel the need to get dressed up.or wear make up. They 'admire' me for it. If only they knew the truth.

He didn’t like a dress. You have expressed preferences in his shirts, maybe you shouldn’t care what shirt he wears then?

Do you not think that maybe the issue here is you taking things the wrong way? You said in your first post that every man you have dated has said or hinted that you are fat. This seems like you have had some unusually bad luck with men considering that you are a normal height and weight or could it be that you have taken a comment from them out of context and blown it out of proportion.

@AllRainedOut

I'd just really like to meet someone one day who didn't feel the need to comment on what I look like

And I wish it didn't bother me.

People assume that I'm really.confident and that's why I don't feel the need to get dressed up.or wear make up. They 'admire' me for it. If only they knew the truth.

I think you’ve identified that you wish appearance wasn’t an important thing to someone you’re in a relationship with.

Unfortunately it seems that appearance is very important to this bloke:

He often asks me how he looks or if he should wear something. He invites my opinion and we've had conversations about this before where he's asked me what I'd like him to wear. I've never done that.

You can either be honest with him - “when you said X it made me uncomfortable because I hate discussing appearance’ and see what happens. Or you can assume it’s not going to work out because he’s not right for you - I couldn’t be with a bloke who cared a lot more than me about appearance either.

I do think you’ve muddied the waters by being keen to compliment him when really you hate all that. And by 18 months you should be able to be honest a d have meaningful conversations about stuff like this.

You are not fat at a size 12 ! Maybe he was wanting to see a bit more leg or something ?

@AllRainedOut

And the fact he said he felt really bad for saying it before doing so shows he knew it was an unkind thing to say.

Or that he really cares about you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings

Unflatttering doesn't mean what you and @Changethatname81 think it means. The dictionary definition is: not flatteringg, or making someone lookk less attractivee* or seemm worsee than usuall*

So he clearly thinks you usually look great and just wasn't keen on that particular dress.

We've all seen examples of beautiful celebrities wearing unflattering clothes - it doesn't mean those people suddenly become ugly or fat. Of course they don't

So his point was that the dress didn't or flatter you. It's a criticism of the dress, not a criticism of you or you body. But if you want to latch onto someone else's made up interpretation in order to reinforce your own insecurities that's up to you

I do not think he was calling you fat, btw.

But I do think that if appearances are genuinely not something you feel are important or should be up for discussion you need to date blokes who are also like that too.

@AllRainedOut

But I didn't ask him for his opinion.

But you felt it was ok to ask him which shirt he was wearing?

He didn’t like a dress. You have expressed preferences in his shirts, maybe you shouldn’t care what shirt he wears then?

I don't know how else I can explain this.

He asks me for my opinion.

He asks how he looks, what I think of a particular item of clothing. I wouldn't say anything otherwise. He can wear relationship He likes but I know that he likes it when I show an interest so I do.

I never ask. Not once have I asked him how I look or what he thinks of what I'm wearing. I don't want to hear anything evasive akd I don't want to put him in a position where he feels uncomfortable.

They are entirely different circumstances.

If I'd asked him what he thought and he'd said that, I wouldn't have given it a second thought. There's a difference between giving an honest opinion when asked and offering an unsolicited criticism.

I've read the whole thread and am surprised by the responses
I assumed he was "negging" you. I think its incredibly rude to tell someone whos just told you how nice you look, that their clothes aren't flattering! Especially when you weren't asking for feedback. And you've not been together long.

It would put me right off tbh. I don't think you are being over sensitive at all

*But you felt it was ok to ask him which shirt he was wearing?

He likes me to have an opinion on what he is wearing. He asks me for my opinion everytime. He likes to know that i like what he is wearing. So I asked.

I have never asked or invited an opinion.

The precedent set by him is that my opinion is wanted.

Why would you never tell a man he’s being bloody rude? I can’t see it’s doing anyone any favours. I’d be done telling him he’s sexy and gorgeous if he never bothers complimenting you, it’s just feeding his superiority complex.

@AllRainedOut

He didn’t like a dress. You have expressed preferences in his shirts, maybe you shouldn’t care what shirt he wears then?

I don't know how else I can explain this.

He asks me for my opinion.

He asks how he looks, what I think of a particular item of clothing. I wouldn't say anything otherwise. He can wear relationship He likes but I know that he likes it when I show an interest so I do.

I never ask. Not once have I asked him how I look or what he thinks of what I'm wearing. I don't want to hear anything evasive akd I don't want to put him in a position where he feels uncomfortable.

They are entirely different circumstances.

If I'd asked him what he thought and he'd said that, I wouldn't have given it a second thought. There's a difference between giving an honest opinion when asked and offering an unsolicited criticism.

But you never ask for his opinion

So basically he's just not allowed any kind of opinion on you, his girlfriend ?

I don't think you understand how relationships work.

The point is that you love all of the person - even the bits you don't like. He is allowed not to like everything - even black maxi dresses

I do think you’ve muddied the waters by being keen to compliment him when really you hate all that

I'm happy to compliment him. He looks lovely and he looks really lovely in the shirt I particularly like.

I just don't ever invite any comment on my appearance. I'd just rather he hadn't just criticised me.

@AllRainedOut

But I didn't ask him for his opinion.

You can't patrol what people say. He didn't say anything bad. He didn't make a negative comment about you personally. He just didn't like your dress. And I guess he's hoping you don't wear it again. You're in a relationship, if you can't even say you don't like a jumper or a scarf, I don't see the relationship has much legs really.

I'd just rather he hadn't just criticised me.

He didn't. He said your dress was unflattering.

That isn't the same thing.

But it seems you are determined to believe whatever suits you.

Good luck with getting what you want.

It looks like the sort of dress you would wear to a funeral 😂

I always find those very long dresses just hang and aren’t very flattering there is no shape to them
I think your sensitive about your weight and looking at everything that’s said negatively
If my DH didn’t like me in something I would probably change it but most if the stuff I wear I know he likes

For you maybe @FlaminEckVera. not here. Even when I was fat dh would never have said so.

Strictly speaking he didn't criticise YOU, he was being nice to let you know that that dress doesn't flatter you.

You're coming across as hard work, OP.

Poor basis for ongoing relationship if he must never give you unsolicited unwelcome opinions. If your dearest people don't tell you difficult truths, who will?

Or that he really cares about you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings

Surely then he would have said nothing.

Unflatttering doesn't mean what you and@Changethatname81think it means. The dictionary definition is:notflattering, or making someonelook lessattractive orseemworse thanusual

I don't really think that's any better tbh.

I don't really want to be told I'm unattractive or look worse than usual either.

@AllRainedOut

I do think you’ve muddied the waters by being keen to compliment him when really you hate all that

I'm happy to compliment him. He looks lovely and he looks really lovely in the shirt I particularly like.

I just don't ever invite any comment on my appearance. I'd just rather he hadn't just criticised me.

But if you’re happy to offer opinions and comment on his appearance, he thinks that’s OK also.

If from the start you’d be honest and say ‘I really hate compliments or comments on my appearance’ then he (or anyone else you date) would know not to comment. They’re nit mind readers...