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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Was he calling me fat?

424 replies

AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 19:59

I posted earlier this year because I was pissed off that pretty much any man I've ever dated has commented negatively on my appearance at some point - either comments about my looks or body. Often hints or direct comments that I'm fat. I always end it within days. Never immediately because I don't want them to think they've upset me.

The general consensus was that I'm either just unlucky or I'm reading things into comments that aren't intended.

Well, it's happened again. So I wanted to run it by you lot for an impartial judgement.

I've been seeing a man I've known for around 18 months since January. He a friend of friends and we've loosely been in each other's social group for a few years but only really became friends 18 months ago.

I'm a size 12 and 5'4.

We went out on Saturday for the day. He was gigging in the evening so needed to get changed. I stayed as I was. I asked him which shirt he was changing into and said he didn't know, what did I think. So I suggested a shirt of his that he knows is my favourite.

The following conversation went like this (pretty much verbatim).

Him: "OK, I'll wear that one then as you like it Smile"
Me: "I do. You always look nice but I really like you in that one Smile"
Him: "OK... I feel I really ought to return the favour... oh I feel really bad saying this... That dress you're wearing really isn't the most flattering one you have"
Me: "Really? Oh well, that's tough really, it's the one I'm wearing and I don't have another with me."

Fwiw, the dress is casual - a black jersey maxi dress with a loose tie belt. I thought I looked quite nice in it and, more than that, the last time I wore it, someone asked me if I'd lost weight because it was "very slimming."

It possibly isn't the 'prettiest' dress I own, nor the most flattering but I don't think I looked so bad in it that it warranted a comment - especially as we were going out for the day/evening and would be spending it with his friends.

I didn't let it bother me as such but it was on my mind the whole day/evening 😕

This is typical of the sort of comment I get. It's rare that anyone has actually said directly, "You're fat," But these 'innocent' or helpful comments (eg "you look lovely but could stand to lose a couple of kilos") are ones I always get. Hence, I haven't had a relationship lasting more than a few months for 10 years!

If I'd asked him and he'd said that, I wouldn't mind at all because then I'd have been looking for an honest response. But I've never asked him, or anyone else, "How do I look?" because I don't see the point in inviting the negative comments.

What does it sound like to you?

OP posts:
Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 28/06/2021 21:32

@AtrociousCircumstance

FML. All these posters telling you you need therapy because you didn’t accept a pointless little shitty criticism with numb acquiescence Hmm

OP stick with your instincts.

I'm suggesting therapy because the op has said she doesn't like anyone to comment on her appearance ever, she would rather not dress up in case anyone ever says anything negative, she would rather end a relationship than tell someone they have hurt her, she attributes negative meaning to comments that maybe innocuous etc etc
AtrociousCircumstance · 28/06/2021 21:33

Well I think they’re way off. It sounds to me like he made a barbed comment and she doesn’t want to wring her hands and say “Oh but whyyyyy did you say the mean thing to me?”

I think the fact he followed a lovely compliment from her with a criticism of her speaks very loudly and the OP shouldn’t feel she has to invert her justifiable reaction and make it all about her own ‘issues’.

Because it isn’t all about her issues.

MilduraS · 28/06/2021 21:34

Some men just have weird tastes in clothes. I bought a dress that made me look like I had huge square shoulders and no boobs, my DH was confused about why I wanted to return it. He said it was one of the nicest dresses I had bought in a while 🤔

layladomino · 28/06/2021 21:35

Agree completely there is no suggestion at all that he thinks you're fat. That is entirely projection based on your own feelings about yourself. And may also have been the case in the past. Unfortunately, because you haven't been honest and told them how you felt, you didn't give anyone the chance to clarify, and have instead reinforced your own theory that they all thought you were fat.

People (all people) sometimes say the wrong thing. Not because they are unkind or they want to offend you. Just because people make mistakes. Relationships rely on not falling out or giving up if that happens occasionally. You could even say, as others have, that the best relationships are where people can be honest without fear of it leading to a huge row or breakup.

Early on, my now DH commented that he didn't like a particular jacket that I wore sometimes. It was a fairly unusual colour which he happened to dislike and he thought it did nothing for my colouring. I told him I wasn't going to stop wearing it (I liked it!) but that while we were on the subject there was a top he wore sometimes which I LOATHED. This was all done in a light hearted manner. Noone fell out or took offence, as offence wasn't intended.

I much prefer kind honesty in a relationship. (The vast majority of what I hear from DH is complimentary - if he says he isn't keen on something I know it's not done to mean). Deliberate criticism / negging / undermining is very different of course, but there's nothing you've said that suggests that.

Honeyroar · 28/06/2021 21:35

Yes exactly that WaltzingBetty. I didn’t think much was that wrong after the first page or so of this thread, just that the bloke was rude and needed pulling up on it next time. But subsequent posts from the OP make me a little sad for her - that she would dump rather than discuss and thinks she looks so awful generally that it’s not worth making an effort etc.

mewkins · 28/06/2021 21:35

Hi OP,
I am with you... I was brought up to only say something if it is nice rather than critical unless someone asks for honest criticism. I find it uncomfortable when someone doesn't follow suit and feels it is ok to comment negatively on my appearance. It is just not nice and makes you feel shit. And if you are not full of self confidence it just makes you feel worse.

Also, in a partner, you want someone who just thinks you're great and doesn't feel the need to hold a mirror up to your flaws.

However, I don't think your boyfriend was necessarily saying the dress makes you look fat. I think he was doing that man thing of not understanding that women sometimes like to wear a practical and simple dress. I have also had a similar comment about a loose dress and I'm also definitely not fat.

In your shoes, I would see if he does it again and then just say please stop giving your opinion on my dress sense.

It sounds like you could do with someone who is more complimentary and less fixated on dress sense and appearance.

Classicbrunette · 28/06/2021 21:36

I think he just doesn’t like a black dress ! My dad would comment if I wore my black jersey dress and ask me if I was going to a funeral 😂

Changethatname81 · 28/06/2021 21:39

I'm going to go against the grain here. I think unflattering means your body doesn't look very good. I think it does usually relate to looking slimmer but maybe it could mean your figure doesn't look very nice - even if you were very slim. A comment like that would honestly put me right off. How dare he. It's inevitable that you will now feel that you need to be dressing in a 'flattering way ' so your body looks more like what men find attractive. Fuck that. You can usually tell if a guy is too focused on appearances and wishes you were slimmer/dressed sexier etc. And you are probably getting those vibes from this guy. Sounds like you want someone who isn't going to be overly into appearances and just thinks you are amazing regardless of whether you're in a comfy dress or joggers - and I'm completely with you on that. Don't settle!

CoronaBanana · 28/06/2021 21:40

I think if I was young and on the dating scene now, I would flat out dump any man who tried to tell me what looked good on me and what doesn't. Who the fuck do they think they are?

But this was exactly what OP did to him, with the shirt.

WaltzingBetty · 28/06/2021 21:42

@AtrociousCircumstance

Well I think they’re way off. It sounds to me like he made a barbed comment and she doesn’t want to wring her hands and say “Oh but whyyyyy did you say the mean thing to me?”

I think the fact he followed a lovely compliment from her with a criticism of her speaks very loudly and the OP shouldn’t feel she has to invert her justifiable reaction and make it all about her own ‘issues’.

Because it isn’t all about her issues.

No one said it is. But the way she's interpreting what he said - that she looked a bit 'shite' or 'fat' isn't helpful either.

The reality is that no one knows what he meant and OP's determination to interpret it as a personal criticism of her body when it could have something as innocuous as a maxi dress swamping her petite frame won't help her out in the long run. Neither will leaving relationships because she refuses to communicate.

I'm surprised so many posters see therapy as something you should only do when you have 'serious issues'

It can actually be a healthy way of giving you the tools you need to have more confidence in your own decision-making.

Certainly more so than asking randoms on the internet for their opinions 🤷‍♀️

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/06/2021 21:46

No I don’t think of therapy like that (big assumption there). And maybe the OP does need therapy - I think most people do really Grin

What I am saying is the fact he rankled her by being a bit of a dick doesn’t suggest is he feels that way because she has a problem,

Maybe she’s too proud to ask him about it. And I think that’s her choice.

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/06/2021 21:46

*she feels that way

Cloverleaf20 · 28/06/2021 21:47

No disrespect to you however, if you finish a relationship every time you think someone is commenting on your weight you’re probably best to stay single !! He only said he didn’t like the dress, unfortunately these type of dresses can cling in the wrong places even on very slim people !

bellsbuss · 28/06/2021 21:47

OH wouldn't like me in that dress , if I wore something like that he'd ask me whose funeral I was going to.

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/06/2021 21:48

It’s astonishing - so many posters blaming the woman for her choice of dress, rather than the man for saying the snitchy little criticism!

WaltzingBetty · 28/06/2021 21:50

@AtrociousCircumstance

No I don’t think of therapy like that (big assumption there). And maybe the OP does need therapy - I think most people do really Grin

What I am saying is the fact he rankled her by being a bit of a dick doesn’t suggest is he feels that way because she has a problem,

Maybe she’s too proud to ask him about it. And I think that’s her choice.

Where has anyone suggested that her being 'rankled' is the reason she may benefit from therapy?
Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 21:51

@WaltzingBetty

Sorry just saw you were lugging his kit around all night - fair enough that's not much fun.

Maybe just stay home and next time?

It just goes with the territory. It's not that i don't like his lifestyle - we have very similar lifestyles. It's just not particularly exciting.
OP posts:
WaltzingBetty · 28/06/2021 21:51

@AtrociousCircumstance

It’s astonishing - so many posters blaming the woman for her choice of dress, rather than the man for saying the snitchy little criticism!
If you think men are the only people who judge others for their style choices you need to look at the naff fashions thread in S&B
moonbedazzled · 28/06/2021 21:54

@AllRainedOut He was probably thinking of you when he suggested you change. He didn't want you tripping over the hem while you humped his gear around.

OP, you sound like a great person with a good sense of fun. He obviously likes you and I can see why. You know you're not fat and nowhere has he said you are. I think you're just projecting your insecurities onto him. Wear what you feel comfortable in and tell him it's the modern style and you're just a cool chick feeling the groove and he needs to wise up to the trends. Just enjoy your relationship. x

MrsBobDylan · 28/06/2021 21:55

Talk to him, no one on here knows what he was trying to tell!

Have a straight up conversation. If you can't do that then it isn't the dress which is the problem.

user1471554720 · 28/06/2021 21:56

The black dress nay swamp you if you are 5ft 4 unless you wear heels. I know because I am the same height and can't wear maxi dresses. A better option for you would be a knee length jersey dress in a brighter colour. My dh has commented negatively if I wear something long and loose in a dark colour. Your bf was not saying you are fat. He was saying it is a long dress and it was a bit dark. Maybe a dark dress which is skater style or a maxi in a brighter colour may suit.

greenlynx · 28/06/2021 21:58

I don’t think he said that you’re fat just that this dress doesn’t suit you from his point of view. However I agree with PPs that you’ve made an effort and put your words in a compliment whereas he’s made an effort to criticise you. I wouldn’t like it as well.
We don’t know why he’s told you this. It’s like he had certain expectations what you should wear and try to communicate them. maybe he thought it’s ok because you’ve communicated yours and couldn’t see the difference. I would do a bit more digging into it next time or you could always just dump him.

Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 21:58

@Changethatname81

I'm going to go against the grain here. I think unflattering means your body doesn't look very good. I think it does usually relate to looking slimmer but maybe it could mean your figure doesn't look very nice - even if you were very slim. A comment like that would honestly put me right off. How dare he. It's inevitable that you will now feel that you need to be dressing in a 'flattering way ' so your body looks more like what men find attractive. Fuck that. You can usually tell if a guy is too focused on appearances and wishes you were slimmer/dressed sexier etc. And you are probably getting those vibes from this guy. Sounds like you want someone who isn't going to be overly into appearances and just thinks you are amazing regardless of whether you're in a comfy dress or joggers - and I'm completely with you on that. Don't settle!
That's what I think it was.

I won't feel the need to try and dress in a more 'flattering' way because all it has done is reinforce the idea that I'm unattractive and so what's the point?

It's one thing being criticised when I haven't made an effort but it would be quite another to be criticised when i had. So I don't.

OP posts:
Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 21:59

@user1471554720

The black dress nay swamp you if you are 5ft 4 unless you wear heels. I know because I am the same height and can't wear maxi dresses. A better option for you would be a knee length jersey dress in a brighter colour. My dh has commented negatively if I wear something long and loose in a dark colour. Your bf was not saying you are fat. He was saying it is a long dress and it was a bit dark. Maybe a dark dress which is skater style or a maxi in a brighter colour may suit.
The dress is 'petite'. It's designed for my height.
OP posts:
Original poster
AllRainedOut · 28/06/2021 22:01

I'd just really like to meet someone one day who didn't feel the need to comment on what I look like Sad

And I wish it didn't bother me.

People assume that I'm really.confident and that's why I don't feel the need to get dressed up.or wear make up. They 'admire' me for it. If only they knew the truth.

OP posts: