Was he calling me fat?

[AllRainedOut]

I posted earlier this year because I was pissed off that pretty much any man I've ever dated has commented negatively on my appearance at some point - either comments about my looks or body. Often hints or direct comments that I'm fat. I always end it within days. Never immediately because I don't want them to think they've upset me.

The general consensus was that I'm either just unlucky or I'm reading things into comments that aren't intended.

Well, it's happened again. So I wanted to run it by you lot for an impartial judgement.

I've been seeing a man I've known for around 18 months since January. He a friend of friends and we've loosely been in each other's social group for a few years but only really became friends 18 months ago.

I'm a size 12 and 5'4.

We went out on Saturday for the day. He was gigging in the evening so needed to get changed. I stayed as I was. I asked him which shirt he was changing into and said he didn't know, what did I think. So I suggested a shirt of his that he knows is my favourite.

The following conversation went like this (pretty much verbatim).

Him: "OK, I'll wear that one then as you like it "
Me: "I do. You always look nice but I really like you in that one "
Him: "OK... I feel I really ought to return the favour... oh I feel really bad saying this... That dress you're wearing really isn't the most flattering one you have"
Me: "Really? Oh well, that's tough really, it's the one I'm wearing and I don't have another with me."

Fwiw, the dress is casual - a black jersey maxi dress with a loose tie belt. I thought I looked quite nice in it and, more than that, the last time I wore it, someone asked me if I'd lost weight because it was "very slimming."

It possibly isn't the 'prettiest' dress I own, nor the most flattering but I don't think I looked so bad in it that it warranted a comment - especially as we were going out for the day/evening and would be spending it with his friends.

I didn't let it bother me as such but it was on my mind the whole day/evening 😕

This is typical of the sort of comment I get. It's rare that anyone has actually said directly, "You're fat," But these 'innocent' or helpful comments (eg "you look lovely but could stand to lose a couple of kilos") are ones I always get. Hence, I haven't had a relationship lasting more than a few months for 10 years!

If I'd asked him and he'd said that, I wouldn't mind at all because then I'd have been looking for an honest response. But I've never asked him, or anyone else, "How do I look?" because I don't see the point in inviting the negative comments.

What does it sound like to you?

I don't think he finds me attractive and I think he is.embarrassed to be seen with me. That's the crux of it.

This is obviously not true as he's been seeing you for 18 months.

After hearing about your mum it's obvious where your issues stem from and I'm glad you're having therapy for the damage she's caused.

If I were you I'd talk to him, tell him you weren't happy that he commented on your dress and give him another chance and stop paying him so many compliments.

In answer to your thread title question, I think no, he wasn't.

If someone told me something did not flatter me I would not for a minute they were suggesting I was fat and that's because I know I am not. That's what it boils down to really.

You seem over sensitive. He didn't like the dress. It's now a comment on you. He's entitled to have an opinion. It was a general discussion on what you both were wearing. FWIW a long black dress, doesn't sound particularly nice

Got to admit, I like the dress & would definitely wear it myself for knocking about in & general wear. I do think it's a bit frumpy & underdressed for a gig though, especially when your DP is part of the act, that generally requires a bit more effort, a bit like taking your DP to a works do & wanting them to make an effort to look smart, it's no slight on you, but a comment on preferred requirements for the occasion

I think your mind went straight to your weight because you have that idea in your head.

Everyone looks better in some clothes than others. And everyone has preferences.

DH occasionally doesn't like very much what I wear but tough I like it!

So much to unpack here and a lot has been said but,

Sorry if I've missed it but surely a crucial part of the interaction is that you were about to go out with him to a gig I understand, and didn't have anything else with you. So he was criticising your dress knowing that you had nothing else to change into.

Therefore presumably trying to make you feel shit all evening.

An evening where you were lugging equipment about, feeling thoroughly bored and pretending you had fun.

Is there anything nice about this man? Because I can't see it.

Those jersey dresses are fine but never the most flattering, I have them in 3 colours as they’re comfortable but I suppose he was just stating a preference. I wouldn’t say he was calling you fat. It only matters how you feel anyway.

Therefore presumably trying to make you feel shit all evening

Crikey there are some paranoid women on here, HTF do you make that ridiculous link

Leap

I don't thinknitnos a leap. Why say something when I hadn't asked just before we were due to go out?

It's hard to explain but it was a very glamorous event. All the women looked beautiful. It would have been entirely inappropriate for me to dress up to their level as I wasn't a guest. Whatever I wore, and however I looked, I wouldn't have been out of kilter with everyone else. So there didn't seem much point even trying.

Besides, he got changed. There was no need for me to get changed and we'd been to the pub in the middle of the day to meet up with some of his friends first. If I'd been appropriately dressed for the evening then, I'd have been hugely overdresed for the day. What I was wearing was perfectly fine for the day.

*would have been out of kilter

Sorry, but all of that all sounds like excuses OP, I think you couldn't be bothered to make an effort for his gig & that's perfectly fine, but making the leap that he was rude & criticising your body is neither fine nor healthy given the conversation you describe

Given that you still don't see that it's not a normal response, for your DPs sake, please end it. It's absolutely exhausting to be in a relationship with someone so insecure & needy, especially when they can't even talk to you about it. It's not healthy for either of you

Not excuses. What would you have worn that would be both suitable for an out door event in a local real ale pub that would also have been suitable for a black tie event in the evening?

And given i never speak to him about it, how would he perceive me as insecure and needy?

One of the things he has commented on is how comfortable I am with my body. How I don't hide away and am "happy to walk around naked." The only other comment he has made about me directly is that he's not perfect and doesn't demand perfection from a partner either. I don't ask anything of him. I'm the opposite of needy. He has no idea how I see myself.

I think the dress honestly looks frumpy. I feel that style and length suits someone tall and slim. I think its more the height, you need to be tall as the style just looks baggy and frumpy. I also think he meant that you could have made an effort rather than your weight.

Rained you might not think he picks up on your change in mood, but you can bet your life he does

The way you describe yourself in that last post is massively at odd with your OP, which puzzles me. Why be secure in your body & then be so paranoid he was calling you fat when he wasn't

& what would I have done for that gif. Brought a suitable change of clothes with me & dress up for it. As it's a glam event by the sounds of it, that would have meant glam

& FTR I've seen my female singer friend chase her DH for turning up to her more upmarket gigs in his work gear. It's appropriately make an effort

He said he wanted to return the compliment by... insulting you?

I'd bin him off ASAP.

Unnecessary and rude comment. The dress looks fine, like you said you wanted to be comfortable not be the centre of attention, plus you never even asked him what he thought about the dress whereas he asked for you opinion on the t-shirt.

I'd leave him and be alone for a while until you can meet someone who's kinder.

I would be annoyed. And the dress looks really nice. I like to think I would've replied that I'd dressed in it because we were going to do lots of driving.

I don't think he was calling you fat though.

I'dve been more annoyed by the 'I don't expect perfection from a partner' comment.

Because he said it was unflattering. I don't know what else he could have meant by that.

I think “unflattering” as code for “you look fat in that” is definitely a universal code for women. But I’m not sure it is for men? He may have meant that the colour doesn’t suit you, or that it wasn’t skimpy enough? I bought a baggy, floaty dress the other day and my DH made a similar comment; he prefers me in more figure hugging clothes….but he definitely wasn’t making a dig at my weight (more than his life’s worth 🤣), just saying that he didn’t particularly like the dress on me. I think you may be reading something into it that wasn’t intended.

I think “unflattering” as code for “you look fat in that” is definitely a universal code for women

Evidently not, , as many of the posters responding will be women and they clearly state they disagree. So it’s obviously not universal for women as the vast majority responding disagree.

It can mean it doesn’t show your body off, it doesn’t hang well, you don’t suit the colour, you don’t suit the shape, it’s frumpy, it’s old fashioned, many things, and defintely not specifically weight.

I would have taken something to change into, there is nothing suitable for both those events.

I am the same height/dress size as you, I would say that dress would be really unflattering on anyone over a size 8 if they are only 5ft4 as I don't really think maxi dresses look good on short people (like me). He may not have been referring to your weight.

That said it is massively rude for him to comment, he's an arse and you didn't ask for his opinion.

I’d have to agree, I’m five eight, and the same dress size as you op and I’d struggle to pull that dress off in the social contexts you were wearing it. As it’s a full length maxi it’s got a bit of the nuns smock/funereal dress/elderly Mediterranean lady about it.

I strongly suspect this is nothing about yout weight and everything about the dress.

@sfeirical

He said he wanted to return the compliment by... insulting you?

I'd bin him off ASAP.

Unnecessary and rude comment. The dress looks fine, like you said you wanted to be comfortable not be the centre of attention, plus you never even asked him what he thought about the dress whereas he asked for you opinion on the t-shirt.

I'd leave him and be alone for a while until you can meet someone who's kinder.

This. ^

@SarahBellam

He wasn’t calling you fat. If anything he was probably trying to say in a clumsy way that you have a cracking figure so why are you covering it up by wearing a big frumpy dress? You’d look more like you’re off down the allotment than going to see a band.

So what? So what if she looked more like she was going to an allotment? WTF has it got to do with HIM?

@WimpoleHat

I think “unflattering” as code for “you look fat in that” is definitely a universal code for women.

100% definitely correct. ^

It's like when someone says 'you look different.' It is never- EVER - meant as a compliment.

@Zari29

I think the dress honestly looks frumpy. I feel that style and length suits someone tall and slim. I think its more the height, you need to be tall as the style just looks baggy and frumpy. I also think he meant that you could have made an effort rather than your weight.

AGAIN, what has it got to do with her partner what she wears? Hell will freeze over before anyone tells ME what I should and should not be wearing. WTF is wrong with some women on here? Where's your self respect and dignity? Why are you OK with being told what to do, and 'what's best for you' by a MAN?

I feel like I've been transported back to the 1950s...

Can u post a pic of yourself OP. Might be useful to get women's feedback

AGAIN, what has it got to do with her partner what she wears? Hell will freeze over before anyone tells ME what I should and should not be wearing. WTF is wrong with some women on here? Where's your self respect and dignity? Why are you OK with being told what to do, and 'what's best for you' by a MAN?

I feel like I've been transported back to the 1950s...

Again, OP started it by telling HIM what shirt to wear.......

I think “unflattering” as code for “you look fat in that” is definitely a universal code for women.

100% definitely correct. ^

100% INCORRECT as myself & many others on this thread have already pointed it out

Unflattering to me means not flattering on you, eg: that dress does not do your beautiful finger justice at all

& it's got feck all to do with dressing for men but dressing appropriately for the occasion, or not, but if you choose not, don't get all paranoid when your DP or anyone else for that matter, not approving of your choice. 🤷‍♀️