Best friend stormed out when boyfriend arrived...

[LouLou300]

Hey, new poster. I just need help understanding this situation and would love to hear what you guys think...

On Saturday we had a small family get-together, it was a surprise do for my mother's birthday and the anniversary of my dad's passing, and luckily it turned out to be a really lovely day that led on well into the evening.

I had planned the event myself, so was at my house in the garden mostly, was just a relaxed day for everyone. My partner was working during the day but we had made plans for him to come once he had finished.

Throughout the day best friend would make little comments about my partner, for example, if someone would ask what time he is coming she would quickly chime in "oh is he definitely coming?" or "I don't think he will come" or "I doubt he'll come honestly" or worst yet, passively "I hope he doesn't".

I didn't think much of it at the time, best friend has met my partner a few times but makes it painfully obvious she dislikes him, to the point it makes me very uncomfortable. I have asked her what her reason for disliking him is and she says "I just don't" or "you could do better" and that she isn't being rude intentionally.

From my stance, there is no reason for her to dislike my boyfriend, he is so lovely and makes me super happy and my family all approve. He has never done me wrong.

Anyway, at 6:30 pm my partner calls and says he is on the way with a friend and would be 5-10 minutes etc, asked if I needed anything from the shop I said no, see you soon. I went into the kitchen to tell everyone he is almost here because everyone is very fond of him and had been asking about him all day. Everyone seemed excited.

My best friend immediately jumps out of her seat, rushes past me saying "I need to pack my bag", I follow her asking her what's wrong and why she is rushing off, she just keeps saying "nothing, it’s okay, I just need to make a move" I ask her why as the plan was for her to stay over she just says "oh no I was thinking of going home anyway", I asked her again what’s wrong and that I would like her to stay, she is just frantically packing her bag, not looking at me and just keeps saying it's fine. I hear the front door go so I leave her to it and go and greet my boyfriend and his friend.

My boyfriend and his friend arrive and are speaking with everyone when I hear some footsteps and the front door slam shut. I realize it was my best friend who left in a hurry, without saying a word. The front door is by the kitchen arch where most people were standing, she didn't say goodbye nor even acknowledge my boyfriend and his friend when she rushed past, just completely blanked everyone, including me.

I haven't heard from her since, nor have I tried to message her. I feel rather angry and annoyed at how she acted as i can't really make sense of it at all? I can't help but think not only is it disrespectful for my partner but it's also disrespectful towards me?

Everyone, including my boyfriend, asked what my best friend's hurry was, I just made an excuse and said she had to leave.

For context, I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We all sort of grew up together and were in the same circle. They have never been 'friends' but I've always expected her to be civil at least? Looking at it, my best friend has NEVER approved of any of my partners and always has some sort of problem with them. I have spoken to my boyfriend about it, he doesn't seem bothered but just tells me he thinks she's rather rude.

Any advice would be appreciated? x

@KindChick thank you lovely. It is super immature and I guess I’m shocked because of all people, she’s one of the closest to me so I would have expected her to be so happy for me now that she sees I’m happy.
I do intend on focusing more on him, I’m going to take a step back. Me and my partner are both owed an apology.

@thepeopleversuswork thank you for this. Your right, I need to reflect on where this friendship is going.
As others have said, I do not want to be dragged down with her because of her negative mind set. It’s a shame because I want her to be happy too but I can’t do that for her.

I think potentially it is an option that we have out grown each other and are heading in different directions… I need to reflect so I know for sure how to approach all of the issues in the conversation when I text her.

@LouLou300

To be honest I don't think you really need to tell her. In my experience people like this don't like being confronted with this sort of thing at all and it will get twisted around into something you (or your boyfriend) have done. It might sound a cop-out but I don't think you can really win by talking through these situations. I would be inclined to step back and let things fade a bit. She will either get the hint and adapt or she will become more controlling and you'll know.

Maybe that sounds shit but I've had so much of this behaviour in my life and I have a very short fuse with it.

@thepeopleversuswork no that’s not shit at all. I actually really appreciate that option, I do know her well and I know she’s a hot head and I can imagine it would turn into an argument of why she’s allowed to feel that way.
I don’t want the drama either, it’s all just silly and embarrassing.

[quote thepeopleversuswork]@LouLou300

To be honest I don't think you really need to tell her. In my experience people like this don't like being confronted with this sort of thing at all and it will get twisted around into something you (or your boyfriend) have done. It might sound a cop-out but I don't think you can really win by talking through these situations. I would be inclined to step back and let things fade a bit. She will either get the hint and adapt or she will become more controlling and you'll know.

Maybe that sounds shit but I've had so much of this behaviour in my life and I have a very short fuse with it.[/quote]
I must say I think is how a lot of people would handle this successfully.

She really isn't your friend.

The fact that she wants to know exactly what is going on with you, whilst really disliking your boyfriend is telling.

I wouldn't trust her.

She is toxic with jealousy.

Stepping back is best.

Would you like to marry him?

If so, he would be very reasonable to say, I don't want her in my home, she clearly doesn't like me.

Stepping back now and focusing on other female friends would be a good idea.

@LouLou300

I think your 'friend' is resentful of your relationship, and the fact you are now on a different life path to her. Unfortunately, some friends only want you because you are in the same boat as them, always available - this means they will try to halt any progress or growth. It's extremely selfish but sadly some friendships are this way, and they eventually come to an end because people like this aren't likely to change or mature.

I've had 2 friends like this in the past - met them when I was single, but the minute I got into a serious relationship, they became extremely demanding of my time, never wanted to meet my bf or have him around, and just never seemed happy for me. I got fed up of both and ended the friendship after trying ways to make it work. But I soon realised, the ONLY way was to be single, and available. I missed them initially but it's been years now and I don't regret my decision. I'm on better terms with both the bfs they hated (one became my husband, the other i was with for a long time and i have fond memories of). Both girls are still after all these years single, and also have alienated all their other gfs too. They were just far too demanding and rude.

Incidentally, I've also been on the other side. I had a bf who's best friend disliked me and was very rude to my face. Would walk off when she saw me, ignore me when were were all sat together and get passive agressive with my bf that he didn't have as much time for her. Even though all his other friends, and her own bf liked me. We both realised that she was just the sort of friend who needed her friends to be available at all times, and hated not being the priority. We both take distance from her now, as he rudeness was getting unbearable.

Take space from her, and let her reach out to you. When she does, say that you are very upset at how rude she was at the party and would like an explanation as to why. Also be clear that while she doesn't have to like your bf, she cannot be rude to him as you won't tolerate it. As your friend you expect her to be supportive and happy for your life choices, and to make your life easy - not add unneccessary problems to the mix. She will either realise her mistake and make amends, or distance herself from you. Either way, you'll have your answer, and a decision.

Good luck!!

I think she has been so used to her behaviour and not being called out for it she thinks she can act that way with my life too and it’s not on.

Sadly, it can go this way with childhood friendships.
It may be the demise of this one, or a diminishing of its importance.

I think your pal has serious control issues.
If she were your b/f, we'd all be telling you to LTB for being a coercive, manipulative arsehole.

It's her decision to have only one friend in her life. But she doesn't get to assume that she has exclusive rights to your love & attention. It's unhealthy, for her as well as you, & maybe a little relaxing of the previous bond would ultimately be doing her a favour, if it pushes her into deciding she's able to have more than one friend!

That's not your responsibility though OP.

It's also not down to you to send a text, "have it out" with her, or provide any opportunity for further drama. Let her approach you, & only reward her for behaviour which you welcome. When she starts bad-mouthing people, tell her kindly but firmly that you don't wish to hear it. If she ignores that request, back it up by leaving, & say you look forward to seeing her soon when she's in a better frame of mind.

TL:DR
If you want to keep her in your life, you're gonna have to retrain her like a dog.
GOOD GIRL! - rewarded with your attention.
BAD GIRL! - gentle reprimand, & remove yourself from her presence after 1 warning if she doesn't immediately quit acting out.

@billy1966 Thank you Billy, that’s what i definitely intend to do.

You are right, her behaviour is very toxic.
I agree, I do want to marry him yes.
He does have every right to tell her to not come near the home again but he doesn’t and also he never asked for any of this. So I’ll put an end to this for all of us x

She's allowed to feel however she feels. She's allowed to be an unreasonable person if she wants to. You're allowed to not like it and to not want to spend time with her because of it. If more people walked away from situations that made them unhappy there'd be more happy human interactions, more fun, more happy people feeling loved, less drama, less abuse, less jealousy and bitterness. Life's too short to try to fix everything, especially when it's someone else's problem. That's my take on life anyway.

@gamerchick

Aye, she fancies him, or has made a pass at him or him her or something from the past has become the elephant in the room for them. Or she maybe doesn't like the thought of you being happy. Either way she's rude and I'd be telling her to come back when she's grown the fuck up.

Or the other, unstated, possibility, that the best friend may have a crush on our OP, is afraid to tell her, and just can't stand seeing her with a man. And the more I think about it, the more that becomes a solid possibility.

I agree, it sounds like she's jealous of your dp, but in respect that he means so much to you and she wants your undivided attention.

She stormed out as it was obvious your friends and family like him and she didn't like that. The storm out was an adult tantrum and I bet she's now waiting for you to run back to her. Giving her the attention she wants. The post on the school reunion is a way to reel you back in. She knew you'd see this and she wants you to ask her why.

I'd simply not get drawn into it. If she wants to speak to you then let her. But I'd use the sentences you've seen on here by making it crystal clear she either shapes up, or ships out.

The post on the school reunion is a way to reel you back in. She knew you'd see this and she wants you to ask her why.

Completely this, @bigbaggyeyes. It's just an extension of the Am Dram performance at the party. It didn't have the desired effect, so friend is planting little pass-agg seeds, hoping to get OP to chase her.

Maybe she just really doesn't like him. It happens. Can't you stay friends with her but separately from him?

Well, is she really your best friend? Do you generally love and trust her? Does she have your best interests at heart? Because something is wrong here. Either the woman you describe as your best friend is hostile, aggressively histrionic, automatically down on your happy relationship and blameless boyfriend and enjoys wrecking social occasions, or she’s your trustworthy best friend and your boyfriend is just another asshole in your unfortunate dating history, but you don’t see it.

She sounds like she's stuck in being a bit of an immature teenager about her feelings. Is she like this in other situations?

I agree that laying out the law with regards to your boundaries ("including if you can't play nice you don't get to come") is probably the only chance you really have of dealing with it. I think sadly (or not) that she's unlikely to be humble and realise and apologise and start behaving herself but there is a chance she might, and if she won't and the friendship ends, well then you tried didn't you. x

Im in this position at the moment,my gfs bestie has a real issue with me despite us never actually meeting so we definitely have no history.
The friend is in an unhappy marriage as was my girlfriend before I met her,I accept that the friend sees my gf as previously being in the same position as her and selfishly is unhappy that my girlfriend is now happy and she still isnt.
The friend also likes going out on the town flirting and was presumably hoping that my gf was going to stay single to accompany her on her missions,and even then ive had no issue with that as I completely trust my gf anyway. Theyre even going away for a week abroad together once travel is allowed again,which Im ok with and havent challenged at all.
Its a little bit awkward for my gf but I kinda understand where the friend is coming from and am mature enough to not let it bother me,and for the greater good I encourage my gf to make time for the friend as much as possible,but still the friend still gives gf headache about everything regarding me which is frustrating.

If she was a reasonable person, the only reason I can think of for the sheer strength of her reaction to being in the same room as someone would be her being aware of something from his past like cheating, bullying or sexual assault.

But she's claiming this is because she just doesn't like him /his class/job/family background? It's so weird and dramatic especially storming out and making all those comments about him coming/not coming in front of your family. Added in the comments about past partners and other friends, it does look like she's really insecure and possessive.

Sometimes people have a huge fear of abandonment that makes it hard for them to maintain healthy friendships and relationships, which becomes a sort of self fulfilling prophecy.

@ThirdThoughts

If she was a reasonable person, the only reason I can think of for the sheer strength of her reaction to being in the same room as someone would be her being aware of something from his past like cheating, bullying or sexual assault.

But she's claiming this is because she just doesn't like him /his class/job/family background? It's so weird and dramatic especially storming out and making all those comments about him coming/not coming in front of your family. Added in the comments about past partners and other friends, it does look like she's really insecure and possessive.

Sometimes people have a huge fear of abandonment that makes it hard for them to maintain healthy friendships and relationships, which becomes a sort of self fulfilling prophecy.

I don't think it has anything to do with the boyfriend at all. The boyfriend could be absolutely perfect in every respect and she would still have a problem with him.

It's about OP and her friend and their relationship.

If you can afford to lose her as a friend I would have it out with her. Ask her why she behaved as she did at the party. Tell her if things don’t change she’s making you choose and you choose your boyfriend. She isn’t really a friend anyway. She doesn’t want you to be happy. Real friends don’t feel like that.

@Specialized101

I`m in this position at the moment,my gf`s bestie has a real issue with me despite us never actually meeting so we definitely have no history. The friend is in an unhappy marriage as was my girlfriend before I met her,I accept that the friend sees my gf as previously being in the same position as her and selfishly is unhappy that my girlfriend is now happy and she still isnt. The friend also likes going out on the town flirting and was presumably hoping that my gf was going to stay single to accompany her on her missions,and even then i`ve had no issue with that as I completely trust my gf anyway. They`re even going away for a week abroad together once travel is allowed again,which I`m ok with and haven`t challenged at all. It`s a little bit awkward for my gf but I kinda` understand where the friend is coming from and am mature enough to not let it bother me,and for the greater good I encourage my gf to make time for the friend as much as possible,but still the friend still gives gf headache about everything regarding me which is frustrating.

Soundsike you are being very reasonable.

However, there may come a point if the friend continues to be difficult and unpleasant, where you say "listen I will leave you two, to it".

It's not asking her to choose, but neither should you have to put up with someone who is very close to your girlfriend being unpleasant to you for no reason.

It is selfish, manipulative and juvenile.
It certainly isn't being a sincere friend, to hate that they are happy.

I

If she had a juicy secret about your partner and really didn't want to tell you, she would try to act normal around him. If she had a secret and really wanted to tell you she'd be acting like she is but also dropping loads of hints until you got it out of her. The fact that she's behaving like a toddler but absolutely giving no hint of an actual reason for her behaviour suggests that there's nothing behind this except her seeking your attention. It's worse with this guy than the others because you're so settled and happy with him.

There is one answer here - your "best friend" is in love with YOU and she is jealous of this boyfriend, his closeness to you, his closeness to your other friends, and jealous of all your previous partners. Everything she has done and said SCREAMS jealousy. She sees him and all your other guys as a rival for your time, attention and affection. She wants you to herself. Approach her from this perspective. Let her know that you love her but like a sister, not a romantic partner and that if it bothers her so much for you to be happy with someone else, it means you two must end your friendship. Let her know you are sorry to see her go and that you will always cherish your memories, but that you are unable and uninterested in giving her what she wants. The End.

I like @Natty13 message.

Hmm reverse psychology I think, something going on.....

Perhaps she is in love with you.