Best friend stormed out when boyfriend arrived...

[LouLou300]

Hey, new poster. I just need help understanding this situation and would love to hear what you guys think...

On Saturday we had a small family get-together, it was a surprise do for my mother's birthday and the anniversary of my dad's passing, and luckily it turned out to be a really lovely day that led on well into the evening.

I had planned the event myself, so was at my house in the garden mostly, was just a relaxed day for everyone. My partner was working during the day but we had made plans for him to come once he had finished.

Throughout the day best friend would make little comments about my partner, for example, if someone would ask what time he is coming she would quickly chime in "oh is he definitely coming?" or "I don't think he will come" or "I doubt he'll come honestly" or worst yet, passively "I hope he doesn't".

I didn't think much of it at the time, best friend has met my partner a few times but makes it painfully obvious she dislikes him, to the point it makes me very uncomfortable. I have asked her what her reason for disliking him is and she says "I just don't" or "you could do better" and that she isn't being rude intentionally.

From my stance, there is no reason for her to dislike my boyfriend, he is so lovely and makes me super happy and my family all approve. He has never done me wrong.

Anyway, at 6:30 pm my partner calls and says he is on the way with a friend and would be 5-10 minutes etc, asked if I needed anything from the shop I said no, see you soon. I went into the kitchen to tell everyone he is almost here because everyone is very fond of him and had been asking about him all day. Everyone seemed excited.

My best friend immediately jumps out of her seat, rushes past me saying "I need to pack my bag", I follow her asking her what's wrong and why she is rushing off, she just keeps saying "nothing, it’s okay, I just need to make a move" I ask her why as the plan was for her to stay over she just says "oh no I was thinking of going home anyway", I asked her again what’s wrong and that I would like her to stay, she is just frantically packing her bag, not looking at me and just keeps saying it's fine. I hear the front door go so I leave her to it and go and greet my boyfriend and his friend.

My boyfriend and his friend arrive and are speaking with everyone when I hear some footsteps and the front door slam shut. I realize it was my best friend who left in a hurry, without saying a word. The front door is by the kitchen arch where most people were standing, she didn't say goodbye nor even acknowledge my boyfriend and his friend when she rushed past, just completely blanked everyone, including me.

I haven't heard from her since, nor have I tried to message her. I feel rather angry and annoyed at how she acted as i can't really make sense of it at all? I can't help but think not only is it disrespectful for my partner but it's also disrespectful towards me?

Everyone, including my boyfriend, asked what my best friend's hurry was, I just made an excuse and said she had to leave.

For context, I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We all sort of grew up together and were in the same circle. They have never been 'friends' but I've always expected her to be civil at least? Looking at it, my best friend has NEVER approved of any of my partners and always has some sort of problem with them. I have spoken to my boyfriend about it, he doesn't seem bothered but just tells me he thinks she's rather rude.

Any advice would be appreciated? x

@joystir59

Perhaps she is in love with you.

From what OP has written I don't think so. It's more that OP is this woman's only friend and she wants to keep OP under her thumb, at her beck and call.

She's desperate not to lose the one friend she's got but the way she's going about it that's exactly the way it'll go.

I've read nothing here that suggests they have any history. The fact that she has disliked all your bfs / doesn't like your other friends / doesn't really have any other friends / has admitted being happy when you split with someone in the past - all suggest this is about her being jealous of your happiness and other friends.

You are close to making things more serious (planning marriage and DC) and I think this has resulted in a dramatic response from her, as she has realised that this one is going to be around indefinitely, and having a husband and DC will reduce your time for her.

If she had a genuine problem with him, she has had plenty of time to confide that in you. And if she'd rather not confide it then why keep making comments? The dramatic exit from the party appears to be designed for attention. The fact that was at your Mum's bd party, and the anniversary of your Dad's death is really poor form, and not how a friend should act. So disrespectful to make it all about her.

I have in the past had a friend who could be a great friend, but was happier when things were going badly for me. When things were good for me she struggled to hide her irritation. Just like your friend, she criticised bfs, other friends, and even my fashion sense (when I was pleased with a new dress which I thought flattered me).

The fact that your other friends and family all like your bf, and you're happy with him after 5 years, suggests he's a good one, and you should protect that relationship. You might give your friend one last chance to explain what her problem is, and otherwise let this one go. It doesn't sound like a healthy friendship anymore unfortunately.

@layladomino

I've read nothing here that suggests they have any history. The fact that she has disliked all your bfs / doesn't like your other friends / doesn't really have any other friends / has admitted being happy when you split with someone in the past - all suggest this is about her being jealous of your happiness and other friends.

You are close to making things more serious (planning marriage and DC) and I think this has resulted in a dramatic response from her, as she has realised that this one is going to be around indefinitely, and having a husband and DC will reduce your time for her.

If she had a genuine problem with him, she has had plenty of time to confide that in you. And if she'd rather not confide it then why keep making comments? The dramatic exit from the party appears to be designed for attention. The fact that was at your Mum's bd party, and the anniversary of your Dad's death is really poor form, and not how a friend should act. So disrespectful to make it all about her.

I have in the past had a friend who could be a great friend, but was happier when things were going badly for me. When things were good for me she struggled to hide her irritation. Just like your friend, she criticised bfs, other friends, and even my fashion sense (when I was pleased with a new dress which I thought flattered me).

The fact that your other friends and family all like your bf, and you're happy with him after 5 years, suggests he's a good one, and you should protect that relationship. You might give your friend one last chance to explain what her problem is, and otherwise let this one go. It doesn't sound like a healthy friendship anymore unfortunately.

Hey, Thank you for taking the time to read the thread and message.

I too do not believe they have any history so I'm glad to hear you share the same views as me. Although obviously, I am taking in all of the advice and messages I have received. Unfortunately, I do think it comes down to the warped jealousy that she has and I am disappointed she couldn't push that to the side to be happy for me the way I would for her.

I have always tried to make it predominantly clear that I would never abandon her and that for me, she is in my life for the long run and I have never abandoned her in any of my past relationships so I don't know where this fear stems from in regards to our relationship.

Yes you are so right! and that is always what I have thought too, she has never had any issue with stating her exact reasons for my past boyfriends and why they weren't "good enough" but has never had a valid reason with my DP. I think it is all just silly and childish.

That's what shocked and hurt me the most, the fact she couldn't put her issues aside for my mother's birthday and my father's anniversary of this death. I am angry because I feel as though she is coming for my relationship and has been gunning for him for a long time and the fact she doesn't seem to want to stop pisses me off quite frankly. I can't turn a blind eye to her behavior anymore as you are right, I have other priorities that I want to protect.

Thank you again!

There has been no contact but when there has been I will be sure to update everyone.

I would give serious consideration to what pp said about her perhaps being in love with you. And it of course does not need to be sexual in nature.
I've witnessed a very similar thing between two women I know. They were like partners in crime, living their single lives together, being 'sisters', making mild strides against the patriarchy, enjoying female power memes, looking after each other during illness and crises, and so on. It seemed to me like there was true love there.
Then one gets a serious boyfriend.
Must be truly devastating for the one who is still single - like the breakup of a relationship.

I had a friend like this. She ended up jealous of my daughter instead of my ex boyfriends. She made passes at them to see how they'd react and so she'd be able to let me see what they were like.

She stormed off once in a huff because another friend (ex friend of hers now) called her out on her behaviour. Is it possible someone had a word with your toxic friend?

She is now late forties and single but very focussed on dating. The intense dislike of the men her friends are involved with has happened with at least 4 other friends that I know of. She's been difficult with her boyfriend's best mates too. I don't hear much from her these days but I get a very strong impression she hasn't changed. She doesn't seem to retain friends for long either unless they are single or relatives.

I think the original post leads you to think there’s been something between them, but follow ups just sound like she’s a horrible person.

she has said quite a few disgusting things about him to me. About his family, not looking like they have much money. His job is rubbish, to her, when in fact he has a very good job that earns him a very good salary. She says he is a loser, although I can't see how? he has his own place, earns a decent wage, and is a very likable person, we always go out and he is always treating me randomly. Also, weird but everyone who meets him says he is handsome and well-mannered, whereas she says he's ugly and that she doesn't know what I see him.

She’s definitely not your best friend. A best friend would either make the effort to get to know you boyfriend or try and explain her dislike. Yet 5 years down the line she’s acting dramatically and overshadowing your family party.

Personally I wouldn’t get in touch with her at all and if/when she does and if she turns on you, say you were waiting for an apology for her rudeness.

You need to cut her nonsense off, you’ve not been strong enough in the past with her if 5 years later she’s telling people he won’t even turn up to your party. Who does she think she is!

She's the possessive type - and that needn't mean she is romantically interested in you but it could.

My sister - straight - is like this with friends. Only has one friend at a time and hates them socialising with anyone else inc their own family. Very jealous, very possessive and controlling. It's not healthy.

She has a lot of other issues too but this is definitely one thing she is/does and it's suffocating.

The friends eventually get sick of it and move on which is I suspect what has happened with your friend and her other friends she's had over time.

Up to you whether you want to put up with such nonsense, I wouldn't and didn't I'm nc with sister for this and many many other reasons

Just throwing this out there but if she's a best friend, might it possibly be the case that she does actually know when her friend is making a mistake?
Could it actually be possible (yes, it could) that she has her friend's best interests at heart and knows her friend could do better?

@Dawninrealisation

Just throwing this out there but if she's a best friend, might it possibly be the case that she does actually know when her friend is making a mistake? Could it actually be possible (yes, it could) that she has her friend's best interests at heart and knows her friend could do better?

Reading what the OP is said it's more likely that the friend is an arsehole.

I agree with all the posters saying it's a form of non-sexual possessiveness given that she's not just been like this with your boyfriend.

I understand why people are flagging how hard this must be for him and why they think you should do something about it for him but actually I think you should do somehting about it for you because she really isn't your friend at all. I happen to massively dislike my best mate's boyfriend but I am not behaving like your so called friend is. I was concerned about him potentially being controlling so I flagged that to my friend to protect her but it seems he's just very very opinionated I honestly think she could do so much better than him and I would never choose to spend any time with him if it wasn't for her but ultimately she's a grown woman and she can date who she likes. I was slightly fearful for her when I thought he had the potential to be abuse but now I know he's just a knob I'm leaving her to it. It's a clash of personalities and I don't have to like him just because she does but I do think I have to be polite and plesant for her sake so I am. Because she's my friend and I would never want to upset her. Your 'friend' doesn't give a shit about you or she wouldn't be behaving like this.

Just wondering if your friend has been in touch with you since @LouLou300?

Initially, I too was wondering if maybe she’d had a thing for/with him.

However when you said she’d been like this with other boyfriends, I started to wonder if this was more to do with you.

Then you said she didn’t have many friends apart from you and that she often threw a wobbly if you invite other people to things, so I can’t help but wonder if she is just the possessive type.

My ex best friend was very possessive over our friendship. If I went out with other friends she’d make sarcastic digs, not just to me but on social media. Another close friend even said that she was scared to try and spend time with me in case exBF got jealous and kicked off.

So it could very well be that this friend is just extremely possessive over your friendship, especially given that she doesn’t have many other friends (probably why she hasn’t to be honest). She could be particularly resistant to your current DP because she can see that this one is long term and settled and she feels threatened/jealous by your closeness and longevity with him.

It would also explain why she can’t give you an actual reason why she doesn’t like him. Because she can’t really admit it’s because she’s jealous.

Something very similar happened to a friend of mine OP.

She had two friends who would hastily disappear whenever her boyfriend was around. Refused to spend any time with him because they didn’t like him and thought she could do better, but couldn’t tell her WHY they felt like that.

It turned out they were racist and didn’t want her dating an Asian man. These are educated, middle class women in their 30s ffs!

She’s now lost three “friends” as a result of the fallout.

I wonder if there’s something about your DP that she inherently dislikes but for no valid reason which is why she can’t tell you.

@LouLou300- I think you said your partner is part of a group, along with your best friend, that you have known a long time - eg at school? You also say he has commented on everyone having thought in the past she was a bit up her own arse, or something similar. Are you sure this isn’t about her feelings of rejection at school/wherever you know the group from? I know issues with rejection and problems with friendships from childhood can have a long lasting impact on some people - especially when the people that upset them all those years ago are still very much in their lives. Were you her only true friend and everyone else was frankly a bit unkind in the sort of passive aggressive way young people can be when they tolerate someone only because they are friends with a person they like, whilst making it obvious they do not like them? The popular friend is often oblivious to this, because, of course, everyone is always lovely to them and they wouldn’t be openly unpleasant while she was in earshot. Maybe she sees supposed nice-guys like your boyfriend as having been the worst for sitting back and doing nothing to stop the more actively nasty ones from making their feelings obvious? Maybe the chip on her shoulder is so massive that she felt the only good thing about school was that she remained friends with you, despite the rest of the group? But now she feels she’s losing you, too, so can’t hear to face the rest of the group, because in her mind, they won in the end?

Any update?

Have you any update on your awful Friend @LouLou300??