Best friend stormed out when boyfriend arrived...

[LouLou300]

Hey, new poster. I just need help understanding this situation and would love to hear what you guys think...

On Saturday we had a small family get-together, it was a surprise do for my mother's birthday and the anniversary of my dad's passing, and luckily it turned out to be a really lovely day that led on well into the evening.

I had planned the event myself, so was at my house in the garden mostly, was just a relaxed day for everyone. My partner was working during the day but we had made plans for him to come once he had finished.

Throughout the day best friend would make little comments about my partner, for example, if someone would ask what time he is coming she would quickly chime in "oh is he definitely coming?" or "I don't think he will come" or "I doubt he'll come honestly" or worst yet, passively "I hope he doesn't".

I didn't think much of it at the time, best friend has met my partner a few times but makes it painfully obvious she dislikes him, to the point it makes me very uncomfortable. I have asked her what her reason for disliking him is and she says "I just don't" or "you could do better" and that she isn't being rude intentionally.

From my stance, there is no reason for her to dislike my boyfriend, he is so lovely and makes me super happy and my family all approve. He has never done me wrong.

Anyway, at 6:30 pm my partner calls and says he is on the way with a friend and would be 5-10 minutes etc, asked if I needed anything from the shop I said no, see you soon. I went into the kitchen to tell everyone he is almost here because everyone is very fond of him and had been asking about him all day. Everyone seemed excited.

My best friend immediately jumps out of her seat, rushes past me saying "I need to pack my bag", I follow her asking her what's wrong and why she is rushing off, she just keeps saying "nothing, it’s okay, I just need to make a move" I ask her why as the plan was for her to stay over she just says "oh no I was thinking of going home anyway", I asked her again what’s wrong and that I would like her to stay, she is just frantically packing her bag, not looking at me and just keeps saying it's fine. I hear the front door go so I leave her to it and go and greet my boyfriend and his friend.

My boyfriend and his friend arrive and are speaking with everyone when I hear some footsteps and the front door slam shut. I realize it was my best friend who left in a hurry, without saying a word. The front door is by the kitchen arch where most people were standing, she didn't say goodbye nor even acknowledge my boyfriend and his friend when she rushed past, just completely blanked everyone, including me.

I haven't heard from her since, nor have I tried to message her. I feel rather angry and annoyed at how she acted as i can't really make sense of it at all? I can't help but think not only is it disrespectful for my partner but it's also disrespectful towards me?

Everyone, including my boyfriend, asked what my best friend's hurry was, I just made an excuse and said she had to leave.

For context, I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We all sort of grew up together and were in the same circle. They have never been 'friends' but I've always expected her to be civil at least? Looking at it, my best friend has NEVER approved of any of my partners and always has some sort of problem with them. I have spoken to my boyfriend about it, he doesn't seem bothered but just tells me he thinks she's rather rude.

Any advice would be appreciated? x

Clearly really does have an issue. Any other mutual friends, who can ask her?

Bf sounds fine.

@Wombat24

He's either made a pass at her now or she's shagged him in the past. Or knows something about him...

That.

@LouLou300

Not so relevant but Bestfriend and I went to the same primary school, which some of the old group were arranging to have a sort of reunion so we are all in a Facebook group message.

Bestfriend was keen on going, but I've just noticed she messaged in the group on Sunday evening saying she won't be attending.

So now she is avoiding me too??? what??

She wants you to chase her.

Don't.

Let her realise what she is missing.
X

She seems rather immature, that's fine if she doesn't like him but surely if she was a true friend she would at least be civil. Maybe she likes you? Or she's just a very possessive person?

@Mimilondon39 Hey Mimi, I agree completely. A conversation needs to be had.

After some of the wise comments, I have had on here as well as Looking at her behavior at the party and since then, I don't know if its worth saving anymore.

She's not your best friend. I would tell her that her behavior is unacceptable and she's not welcome in your life this way.

She's possessive and jealous but I don't know that there need be any romantic interest from her to either you or your boyfriend.

It sounds like you have been a loyal friend to a, well, perhaps a not-so-nice person, and her possessiveness is likely to be higher if she is dependent on your friendship and has not been so successful in other friendships perhaps.

Her running away suddenly just sounds like a strategy she is using, for attention back to her. And I imagine she's using it because similar efforts have worked for her with you in past? You've maybe felt bad/ worried/ tried to repair something that seems to be wrong, but is not your fault at all.

But she'll keep repeating the strategy for as long as it works for her so don't let it work! You could call her out on it, but actually you probably don't even need to do that if you don't want to - you just ignore the bad behaviour, don't pander to it, don't message her about it, just up your boundaries and don't let it rattle you. Be all brightness and light and just say a cheerful goodbye to her when she leaves like that in the future and don't entertain any discussion of your boyfriend, just cheerfully change the subject.

When it doesn't work for her, she should stop doing it. If it's the only thing she has in her repertoire, well I guess she's going to lose her friendship with you.

Hi @LouLou300. I’m glad you giggled!

I felt pulled in two directions and also a bit hurt she couldn’t even pretend to be happy for me! I definitely felt it was her insecurity issue rather than my DP as he just seemed bemused at her alternating between sneers and wanting to know every detail about him. I’m sorry some PPs are so suspicious of your DP, it screamed jealous of losing her best friend and main social prop to me.

I had to sit her down and say, you’re hurting me by doing this, I don’t like you being horrible about someone you don’t really know and who I love because you’re forcing me to defend him and effectively choose a side and it’s not a competition.

You’re my best friend, you’ve been there for me for years and I love you dearly. But this is my life partner, children, marriage - If you force me to choose I’m not going to choose you. I want you both in my life, I think you would actually like him, I’ve room in my heart for you both, no one will ever replace you as my bestie. But unless you know something about him you’re not telling me, you’re being unfair. The only way you will lose me is by driving me away and that’s what you’re doing now.

She cried, disappeared for a week or so, but came back and tried. They get on ok now. She was my MoH.

@RaginaFalangi that's what I thought. Even if I maybe haven't been that fond of her past relations, I've made an effort and been polite.

I know what she is like in relationships and hard work isn't the word which is perhaps why her relationships haven't worked out.

I think she may be one of those people who has a never-ending expectation list for herself but apparently relates that to my relationships too? but she needs to accept I'm happily.

Just keep the two separate. They don't have to be friends.

@Fuggly

Does she fancy you maybe? Just with saying she has taken against your previous boyfriends.

I think this is a strong possibility.

I think a one on one chat needs to be had initially about how she behaved at your mum's birthday event and your dad's anniversary. She was poorly behaved and needs to apologise (but she doesn't need to explain her behaviour, I think) for that.
She does need to explain why, every time you and your OH are out together or are to meet up together, she can't be in the same room as him. She needs to come clean about that, if your friendship has any hope of continuing. She cannot monopolise your time or your social scene and the way she is behaving is going to drive a wedge between you all and it will all come down to how she behaves.
She can be polite and civil to someone, anyone really, even if she doesn't like them. At the moment she is behaving like a petulant child who isn't getting enough attention from you.

Best of luck getting it sorted, however you proceed.

She is trying to gaslight you because she doesn’t like your boyfriend.

I don't think it's the bf she doesn't like. I think she either doesn't want OP to have a bf at all, or doesn't want OP to be happy.

@Itsnotmyjob

That is how I feel right now, I feel hurt more than anything. She is the exact same in the sense she will ask about him always and wants to be well informed but also cannot be is civil, polite, or courteous even for a couple of hours.

I think my boyfriend is just a bit sick of it all now, he just sort of looks at me because there's not much he can do really and doesn't want to hurt me by telling me to fuck her off.

I have always told her I love her and will have time for her forever, she has been in my life for such a long time and we have wonderful memories but we also arent children anymore.

I think you are spot on and I am so glad it worked out for you. I would love that reaction, so I will give her some time and will attempt a conversation.
xx

@deydododatdodontdeydo It's sad but I think this is a massive potential. She is currently single and was feeling a little down about getting older and not having found someone but at the same time, if she loves me she should be happy for me.
She is beautiful and I have no doubt she will find someone too.

She sounds actually scared of him to me.

I think she’s jealous you’re happy, to be honest. Never has been happy when you’ve been in a relationship. She’s a toxic friend. Bin her off if she can’t be honest about why she’s acting like this.

@LookItsMeAgain Thank you, you are very kind.

That's what bothered me the most about the storm out, it wasn't about me, my boyfriend or her, it was about my parents.

I think I have been avoiding it, as she is very stubborn and not good with emotion, so she would probably wave me goodbye when I make it predominantly clear that this cant continue. Even if it hurts her.
xx

My vibe is something happened between them.

It could be sex but doesnt nessacerilly have to be it could be something she is embarrased by (like she tried to hit on him and he didnt even notice or rejected her etc... remember being an awkward teen, those where the days) especially if you all knew each other for a long time.

If hes acting normal Im tempted to think its the latter where she is embarrased by something no one else either noticed of cared about enough to remember but its eaten away at her.

I also think she wants to be a priority in your life.

I certainly wouldn't have allowed any of my good friends bad mouth a really nice guy I was seeing that was respectful and treating me well.

5 years you are with your boyfriend and where is your loyalty to him?

She is not a real friend.
She is rude and controlling and you have tolerated appalling behaviour from her for far too long.

I wouldn't dream of contacting her.

If she contacts you, tell her that her behaviour was appalling, you don't wish to be around such behaviour and that you never want to hear a bad word from her about your boyfriend again. Tell her that you owe me a sincere apology, don't contact me again until you mean it.

She is poison in your life.
She will be poison if you marry, have children, whatever joy, she will be in your ear, spoiling it.

Kill it now OP.

After 5 years of being a good partner I cannot believe you would listen to her bad mouthing him.

Kindly, you aren't loyal to him and it sounds as if he can do better.
Loyalty is hugely important in a relationship.

If I heard my partner was listening to his friend bad mouth me and not defending me and didn't stop it, I would dump him.

Think about your actions too.

@LouLou300 I think you have to be clear in your head that you are going to maybe lose her but if you can do that then I think my mate knew her jacket was on a shoogly peg because I meant what I said. It wasn’t acceptable.
She’s not a bad person so she didn’t really want to hurt me. It was insecurity and that is always self focused, she didn’t realise/consider how I was feeling. It was very tense for a while but DP persevered too, and although they won’t be besties they can be around each other and actually have the same sense of humour so fingers crossed…

I'm glad you haven't chased after this "best friend" who has previously taken issue with every one of your partners OP.

I imagine the main point of her eccentric little performance was to make you do just that, & you really have no need to pander to her about it.

I have asked her what her reason for disliking him is and she says "I just don't" or "you could do better" and that she isn't being rude intentionally.

Excuse me while I look out my Schoolmarm Hat & shake my finger at your"friend" for you:
"Whether you intend to be rude or not, you are being rude, & I want you to stop being so ridiculous."

I'm sure the thread will be filling up with speculation as to WHY she does it. But that's a red herring. Fact is, she made your mum's birthday, the anniversary of your dad's death, & your lovely party all about her.

There's no point asking her why.
She doesn't want you to understand, she want you to invest endless energy making her the most important focus of your life.

When she emerges (& you know she will, for her next fix of drama), make sure you ask not one single question about her attitude or actions at the party. DON'T FEED THE BEAST.
This will confound her, & you'll find that she'll start volunteering reasons/excuses/attention-seeking tactics in order to make you engage.
So even something as seemingly innocuous like "sorry I had to rush away" shouldn't be rewarded with the oxygen of attention. Grey Rock it - "oh no worries, it was good to see you" * change the subject immediately.

I'm sorry your friend is still stuck in the playground, & hope she gets over herself. You'll have more success with that if you stop asking her questions about why she behaves so oddly around your romantic interests, & start ignoring it for the petty nonsense it is.

But if she won’t apologise or agree to try or if she’s not appalled at how hurt you are by her behaviour, I agree with PPs. Don’t keep indulging it.

@billy1966 Thank you for your comment,

In retrospect please do not doubt that I too had my partner's back, I did definitely defend him and always will, it was often met with a laugh and an eye roll as if she was "joking" or didn't mean it. When I believe she did, I can assure you, she would quickly try and change the conversation.

I think I also never took true offense because what she was saying was painfully, obviously, not true at all, not even remotely.

She either fancies YOU & can't bring herself to own up... most likely given she's disliked past BFs too

He's made a pass at her/they have history

Or she fancies him