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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Best friend stormed out when boyfriend arrived...

241 replies

LouLou300 · 28/06/2021 14:22

Hey, new poster. I just need help understanding this situation and would love to hear what you guys think...

On Saturday we had a small family get-together, it was a surprise do for my mother's birthday and the anniversary of my dad's passing, and luckily it turned out to be a really lovely day that led on well into the evening.

I had planned the event myself, so was at my house in the garden mostly, was just a relaxed day for everyone. My partner was working during the day but we had made plans for him to come once he had finished.

Throughout the day best friend would make little comments about my partner, for example, if someone would ask what time he is coming she would quickly chime in "oh is he definitely coming?" or "I don't think he will come" or "I doubt he'll come honestly" or worst yet, passively "I hope he doesn't".

I didn't think much of it at the time, best friend has met my partner a few times but makes it painfully obvious she dislikes him, to the point it makes me very uncomfortable. I have asked her what her reason for disliking him is and she says "I just don't" or "you could do better" and that she isn't being rude intentionally.

From my stance, there is no reason for her to dislike my boyfriend, he is so lovely and makes me super happy and my family all approve. He has never done me wrong.

Anyway, at 6:30 pm my partner calls and says he is on the way with a friend and would be 5-10 minutes etc, asked if I needed anything from the shop I said no, see you soon. I went into the kitchen to tell everyone he is almost here because everyone is very fond of him and had been asking about him all day. Everyone seemed excited.

My best friend immediately jumps out of her seat, rushes past me saying "I need to pack my bag", I follow her asking her what's wrong and why she is rushing off, she just keeps saying "nothing, it’s okay, I just need to make a move" I ask her why as the plan was for her to stay over she just says "oh no I was thinking of going home anyway", I asked her again what’s wrong and that I would like her to stay, she is just frantically packing her bag, not looking at me and just keeps saying it's fine. I hear the front door go so I leave her to it and go and greet my boyfriend and his friend.

My boyfriend and his friend arrive and are speaking with everyone when I hear some footsteps and the front door slam shut. I realize it was my best friend who left in a hurry, without saying a word. The front door is by the kitchen arch where most people were standing, she didn't say goodbye nor even acknowledge my boyfriend and his friend when she rushed past, just completely blanked everyone, including me.

I haven't heard from her since, nor have I tried to message her. I feel rather angry and annoyed at how she acted as i can't really make sense of it at all? I can't help but think not only is it disrespectful for my partner but it's also disrespectful towards me?

Everyone, including my boyfriend, asked what my best friend's hurry was, I just made an excuse and said she had to leave.

For context, I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We all sort of grew up together and were in the same circle. They have never been 'friends' but I've always expected her to be civil at least? Looking at it, my best friend has NEVER approved of any of my partners and always has some sort of problem with them. I have spoken to my boyfriend about it, he doesn't seem bothered but just tells me he thinks she's rather rude.

Any advice would be appreciated? x

OP posts:
YanTanTethera123 · 28/06/2021 16:12

@ILoveYou3000

She sounds jealous. She wants you all to herself, and when your bf is around she has to share your attention. You were supposed to chase after her on Saturday, you didn't so she's punishing you by not being in contact. Her running off like that was all to get your attention back on her.
^^This. She’s not the centre of attraction so creates drama and a scene. Ignore. She’s throwing a paddy 🙄
ChargingBuck · 28/06/2021 16:13

@TulipVictory

I think something has happened between them 🤔
And, coincidentally, between EVERY one of OP's partners she's ever met?
youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/06/2021 16:14

I didn't think much of it at the time, best friend has met my partner a few times but makes it painfully obvious she dislikes him, to the point it makes me very uncomfortable. I have asked her what her reason for disliking him is and she says "I just don't" or "you could do better" and that she isn't being rude intentionally.

From my stance, there is no reason for her to dislike my boyfriend, he is so lovely and makes me super happy and my family all approve. He has never done me wrong.

Struggling to understand why you call someone a 'best friend' when they are absolutely horrible to your partner of five years who treats you well?

If I was your partner I would be incredibly hurt you considered someone your best friend if they were consistently nasty to / about me for no reason.

Is she like this about other people too? You say she didn't like your exes - was that warranted or unfounded like this time?

Viviennemary · 28/06/2021 16:14

She sounds a bit jealous to me. And immature and rude.

LouLou300 · 28/06/2021 16:15

@ChargingBuck I do agree, it's all just very, very petty.

Both she and I are quite hot-headed, so I've been tolerant this far because I guess I haven't wanted a blowout.

I don't want part of childish games and cattiness. I would be happy for her.

OP posts:
CoralSparkles · 28/06/2021 16:16

@LouLou300 god, this doesn't sound good when writing it down but she doesn't like my other friends either

She is obsessed with you. She is jealous of your boyfriend, ex boyfriends and all your other friends. She either fancies you or wants you to be as bitter and lonely as she is. I would cut contact with her because she sounds toxic.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/06/2021 16:16

@AryaStarkWolf

Some people are weirdly possessive of their friends (in a not sexual way too)
This. One of my ex friends also loved nothing more than me being in shit relationships and was quite eye rolling and negative about healthy ones I had. Ex friend. She was a prick. And a drama llama too - everything had to be about her and all drama had to involve her in some way, usually started by her!
ChargingBuck · 28/06/2021 16:16

Why dont you try talking to her if she's such a good friend

The entire OP & updates show how many times the OP has attempted to do just that. It's pointless - the friend doesn't answer, because she doesn't want OP to know "reasons", she just wants to be chased after & paid more attention to than any partner(s).

LouLou300 · 28/06/2021 16:16

@youvegottenminuteslynn Hi yes, if you read up you will see she has been like this with everyone, including my other girl friends.

Her behavior is overlooked by many because it's just in her nature to be that way but i don't want to be around it anymore, especially if this truly is how she is.

OP posts:
LouLou300 · 28/06/2021 16:17

@ChargingBuck Thank you for having my back, i do wish people would keep up to date lol.

OP posts:
PartTimeLegend · 28/06/2021 16:18

Having just read the whole thread in one hit, I think that she does tend to get jealous of sharing her friend with someone else (which is why she's not taken to previous boyfriends). But this time I reckon she's got a monster crush, limerence or whatever you call it, and has been suffering from unrequited love for him for years. That would explain why she asks about him and wants to know what he's doing, but can't bear to be in the same room as the two of you together. All those horrible things she says about him are a smokescreen.

I could be barking up the wrong tree of course.

LouLou300 · 28/06/2021 16:19

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Thinking about it, I do just think I've pulled the wool over my eyes and she's just a shit friend. When we spoke before about a breakup i had experienced, she says now, that when it happened, she never felt so happy.

Crazy lol.

OP posts:
Conchitastrawberry · 28/06/2021 16:19

Agree with others either she fancies him or something has happened between them. It’s a very odd reaction.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/06/2021 16:21

[quote LouLou300]@contrary13 Thanks for your comment.

I completely get what you're saying. I mean I'm not brownie pointing things but over the 5 years, she has said quite a few disgusting things about him to me. About his family, not looking like they have much money. His job is rubbish, to her, when in fact he has a very good job that earns him a very good salary. She says he is a loser, although I can't see how? he has his own place, earns a decent wage, and is a very likable person, we always go out and he is always treating me randomly. Also, weird but everyone who meets him says he is handsome and well-mannered, whereas she says he's ugly and that she doesn't know what I see him.

I don't tell my boyfriend about any of those comments and in all honesty, he doesn't mention her at all, only in response to me having to apologize for her rude behavior.

Am I still overlooking it?[/quote]
How horribly disloyal to be 'best friends' with someone who speaks this way about your partner!! I don't get it. He treats you well and is nice, yet you are friends with someone who calls him an ugly loser? Bloody hell.

LouLou300 · 28/06/2021 16:21

@PartTimeLegend

Absolutely, which is why I've never pandered to it but absolutely should have. Anything negative she has said about him, couldn't have been further from the truth, so why are you trying so hard to pick him apart and make stuff up, when even you know they aren't true. No offense was taken I can assure you, if anything I feel sorry for her.

I think she is just quite miserable and wants me to be too.

OP posts:
ladymalfoy45 · 28/06/2021 16:23

So it was a family gathering to begin with. You have known your best friend since primary school. Ergo your family know her.
You have also known your boyfriend for a long time and presumably mixed in similar circles before you became involved. If it’s the sort of societal situation where ‘everyone knows everyone’ wouldn’t any shenanigans have come to light before and during you hooked up?
There’s also a distinct lack of social media references (apart from the Facebook school Reunion bit).
I’m not advocating snooping but surely if he was caught in a compromising position by her she would have snapped it or knew someone who knew who he’d had the dalliance with?
Otherwise ‘ If you think he’s a shit prove it’

PartTimeLegend · 28/06/2021 16:23

She wants what you've got. And because she can't have it, she wants to spoil it instead.

CoralSparkles · 28/06/2021 16:23

@Conchitastrawberry

Agree with others either she fancies him or something has happened between them. It’s a very odd reaction.
I thought this at first, but OP’s updates explain that her “best friend” is jealous of everyone in OP’s life. This “friend” either fancies OP, or she wants OP to be as miserable as she is.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/06/2021 16:24

Fact is, she made your mum's birthday, the anniversary of your dad's death, & your lovely party all about her.

Also this. She's an absolute arsehole.

LouLou300 · 28/06/2021 16:24

@youvegottenminuteslynn please do take the time to read the entire thread before commenting nonsense. READ UP and see where I said I defended him.

I can assure you, I would rip the head of a person if they were to hurt or offend him. He isn't remotely bothered by her or the fact she doesn't like him.

and again, No one was offended by what she was saying because everything she said was made up... not even remotely close to how he is.

OP posts:
AddressLabel · 28/06/2021 16:24

She probably just left in a strop because OP didn’t pander to her want to not have the bf there.
I doubt it is anything he has done, other then have the “audacity” to take you away from her. She’s either in love with you or just doesn’t want you to have a relationship as that means you’ll spend less time with her. I’ve had a friend who fell out with one of her best friends because the best friend was getting possessive and turned out she wanted to have a relationship with her (friend was not that way inclined), and my own sister has had to end a long term friendship because that friend was very much like the one op mentioned. She was just jealous my sister was not spending as much time with her anymore.

WeatherwaxOn · 28/06/2021 16:25

[quote LouLou300]@WeatherwaxOn this is really interesting and sounds fairly similar.

In the first couple of years of me and my boyfriend dating, if me and best friend were out she would continue to try and set me up with guys, even though I was in a relationship. All of my other friends think he is great and is happy for me. I don't know why she can't?[/quote]
Sounds very familiar.

My friend and I fell out over it, a few months into the relationship with now DH. He and I dated for 4 years and then got married. Three years on, a mutual friend of the one I fell out with and I died quite suddenly, whilst with former friend. Needless to say she was terribly affected.
I reached out and just said how sorry I was and how shocking it must have been for her.
We managed to build some bridges and she has since got married herself. Never did get to the bottom of why she had disliked DH so much at the outset.

ChargingBuck · 28/06/2021 16:27

When I ask she just says she won't spend time or be around with someone she doesn't like. I'm getting sick of it.

Which is why this is the part you actively make NOT YOUR PROBLEM by refusing to pander to it.
She's not behaving like a friend.

It would also be much healthier for her to have more than one friendship. Sounds like she depends on you to supply ALL her friendship needs, & that must be suffocating.

You seem to be bending over backward to find a solution, but it feels like you are investing a lot of care & energy into being a good friend who finds solutions.
Whereas she is being totally inflexible, at the very least ungracious, & at worst is asking you to choose her over your b/f.
The dramatics at the party were disgraceful.

LouLou300 · 28/06/2021 16:28

@ladymalfoy45 It was yes, I do class her as family and she is very well integrated with us all. He too is very close with my family, my mum and dad both loved him dearly.

I have them both on social media, they don't have each other on anything at all and that's my point, I'm all ears if you genuinely know something, otherwise grow up.

OP posts:
LouLou300 · 28/06/2021 16:31

@ChargingBuck Honestly you have been incredibly helpful.

I agree, a step back is needed and a firm word because she isn't acting or behaving like a friend.

It can at times be suffocating, i am her only friend and i do like to support and be there for her but if she cant accept me and my partner are moving on, then she has to accept she can't be part of our lives.

Thats the biggest problem, if she doesnt find how she acted at the party in the wrong, then i have no words.

OP posts:
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