Best friend stormed out when boyfriend arrived...

[LouLou300]

Hey, new poster. I just need help understanding this situation and would love to hear what you guys think...

On Saturday we had a small family get-together, it was a surprise do for my mother's birthday and the anniversary of my dad's passing, and luckily it turned out to be a really lovely day that led on well into the evening.

I had planned the event myself, so was at my house in the garden mostly, was just a relaxed day for everyone. My partner was working during the day but we had made plans for him to come once he had finished.

Throughout the day best friend would make little comments about my partner, for example, if someone would ask what time he is coming she would quickly chime in "oh is he definitely coming?" or "I don't think he will come" or "I doubt he'll come honestly" or worst yet, passively "I hope he doesn't".

I didn't think much of it at the time, best friend has met my partner a few times but makes it painfully obvious she dislikes him, to the point it makes me very uncomfortable. I have asked her what her reason for disliking him is and she says "I just don't" or "you could do better" and that she isn't being rude intentionally.

From my stance, there is no reason for her to dislike my boyfriend, he is so lovely and makes me super happy and my family all approve. He has never done me wrong.

Anyway, at 6:30 pm my partner calls and says he is on the way with a friend and would be 5-10 minutes etc, asked if I needed anything from the shop I said no, see you soon. I went into the kitchen to tell everyone he is almost here because everyone is very fond of him and had been asking about him all day. Everyone seemed excited.

My best friend immediately jumps out of her seat, rushes past me saying "I need to pack my bag", I follow her asking her what's wrong and why she is rushing off, she just keeps saying "nothing, it’s okay, I just need to make a move" I ask her why as the plan was for her to stay over she just says "oh no I was thinking of going home anyway", I asked her again what’s wrong and that I would like her to stay, she is just frantically packing her bag, not looking at me and just keeps saying it's fine. I hear the front door go so I leave her to it and go and greet my boyfriend and his friend.

My boyfriend and his friend arrive and are speaking with everyone when I hear some footsteps and the front door slam shut. I realize it was my best friend who left in a hurry, without saying a word. The front door is by the kitchen arch where most people were standing, she didn't say goodbye nor even acknowledge my boyfriend and his friend when she rushed past, just completely blanked everyone, including me.

I haven't heard from her since, nor have I tried to message her. I feel rather angry and annoyed at how she acted as i can't really make sense of it at all? I can't help but think not only is it disrespectful for my partner but it's also disrespectful towards me?

Everyone, including my boyfriend, asked what my best friend's hurry was, I just made an excuse and said she had to leave.

For context, I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We all sort of grew up together and were in the same circle. They have never been 'friends' but I've always expected her to be civil at least? Looking at it, my best friend has NEVER approved of any of my partners and always has some sort of problem with them. I have spoken to my boyfriend about it, he doesn't seem bothered but just tells me he thinks she's rather rude.

Any advice would be appreciated? x

”frantically packing her bag, not looking at me and just keeps saying it's fine”

This and leaving quickly without saying anything sounds that se was afraid.
Do you think your boyfriend made a move, was turned down and he threatened her.
Or maybe he attacked her.

[quote LouLou300]@FurryMcFlurry Thank you lovely! I completely understand your point, I guess I feel bad, she has been in my life a long time and I do love her but I also cant allow her toxic behavior to affect my relationship x[/quote]
My 'bff' of 20 years pulled this with every man I dated. She never like any of them. She never once could tell me anything other than 'they were off to her'. I finally had to realize that she needed to be the center of attention always. I found her telling so many lies about other things, including her partner, that I had to remove the toxicity and move on. One of the hardest things I've ever done. But, it got to a point she started saying those things about my sister who is my absolute best friend / confidant.

"From what you have described:

There is history between them;
or
She is attracted to him / she made a pass at him;
or
She recognises where your relationship is heading and doesn't like it."

Agree on the above. Also (wild speculation but thought i would add to the possible although not having read the whole thread so forgive me if totally inappropriate):

• she knows or has good reason to suspect your boyfriend is involved in something (not romantic, whether with her or someone else who is not you) she disapproves of for whatever reason (and she is worried you will get hurt or just plain does not like it

• she is in some way romantically attracted /attached to you (unrequited) and she is jealous of your boyfriend;

• she is not romantically attracted to you but she has experienced you or another one of her friends getting very attached romantically to their romantica partner and she has felt left out (and maybe jealous)

• she thought the event in question you invited her to was in some way intended for a particular section of your friends (that section not to include your boyfriend) and was proven [very] wrong and feels slighted

some of the above sound wild and i am not suggesting for a minute she is being reasonable but i thought i might mention some other possibilities.

I'd tell her that she offended you & your DP and upset your mother on a significant family occasion, and she better come up with not only an explanation for her appalling behaviour, but also a grovelling apology with a promise that nothing like that will ever happen again. Because otherwise your friendship is at an end.

All teh people saying the bf must have slept with her and thats why shes like this.Does that include all the op other bf before.

Shes jealous and is trying to make the op choose.
And she ruined a very special occasion that to me is really unforgiveable.
I would just leave her,let her stew in her own juices and you move on and have a lovely life.You dont need her toxic behaviour.

"One of my ex friends also loved nothing more than me being in shit relationships and was quite eye rolling and negative about healthy ones I had. Ex friend. She was a prick."

I know someone who picks holes in all her friend's relationships. It's because she's desperately lonely so needs to persuade herself that their relationships/marriages are crap.

[quote LouLou300]@Rainbunny that's the thing, I have never personally seen her act this way before, it was far too dramatic...

But regardless, it was shitty to do, even if you don't like him, pop your head in and say goodbye? Ridiculous.[/quote]
She knows that this time it's serious - the most serious it's ever been. She's doing the pick me dance and wanted you to say you'd ask DP to leave, thus showing that she had control over you, a control she wants to keep. But you're carrying on being your own person. I bet you anything she expected you to chase after her when she left and beg her to come back. Well done for not doing.

Stay in control, and let your friendship with her be on your terms. And if that means that you end it so be it. There's a reason you're her only friend.

She is either jealous that you are happy, has slept with him or fancies him!

"Let’s be brutal here, often when people say “I have no friends, It’s because they’re just not nice people, and nobody wants to be friends with them because of it."

Not sure I agree with that if only because lots of nasty people have lots of friends, even if they fall out quite a bit.
A lot of people with no or few friends are extremely shy or just introverts.
In this case, it may well be a difficult personality.

I have a friend like this. It's jealousy/possessiveness. Every partner that I and any of my friends have ever had has been "not good enough". It doesn't necessarily have to be sexual jealousy, sometimes its a control thing: some people absolutely cannot stand sharing a close friend with someone else and have to engineer conflict all the time.

If you want to continue to be friends with this person: and it sounds like you do, you need to compartmentalise: just accept that you have to see her in a one-on-one situation only and not expect her to accept your bf. You may end up drifting apart from her, but really that's her lookout. She can't expect to push everyone else away and there not be consequences.

From the context in the OP, I thought maybe something happened back in the school days or similar that still sticks for her. I have someone I know whose partner I avoid in part because of vile remarks he made when we did business together many moons ago. It seems too long ago to be relevant now, especially as now they have kids together, but it sticks for me the things he said and some of his actions since. I wouldn't run out of the house or refuse an invite, but it's a bit of a struggle to small talk with him.

With the rest, I agree with others that whatever her reasons - if there even are any that are about him rather than just what she wants you to do - you don't need to put yourself out for her when she's acting like this. You sound like you have lots of lovely people around you and yeah, she's cutting her nose to spite her face with her dramatic escape.

"There is history between them;
or
She is attracted to him / she made a pass at him;
or"

These don't sound very likely to me. If they were both lying about this, she wouldn't be make a scene and drawing attention to herself would she?

"- she knows or has good reason to suspect your boyfriend is involved in something (not romantic, whether with her or someone else who is not you) she disapproves of for whatever reason (and she is worried you will get hurt or just plain does not like it"

Seems unlikely he's involved in anything illegal or very immoral according to OP's description of him.

"- she is in some way romantically attracted /attached to you (unrequited) and she is jealous of your boyfriend;"

Many people have suggested this, but I think in that situation she'd be embarrassed because her love is unrequited and she wouldn't be causing a scene and drawing attention to herself.

"- she is not romantically attracted to you but she has experienced you or another one of her friends getting very attached romantically to their romantica partner and she has felt left out (and maybe jealous)"

Yes, seems likely

"- she thought the event in question you invited her to was in some way intended for a particular section of your friends (that section not to include your boyfriend) and was proven [very] wrong and feels slighted"

Unlikely because it was a family party and OP is planning to marry the boyfriend, so he would logically be invited.

Why does anyone have to fancy/have shagged anyone?

She could just be a nasty person who is trying to create drama & get the Op to doubt her boyfriend.

I have a very good friend who has had boyfriends I didn't like.

But I could be civil & get on well enough for her sake.

Please can we have an update when you text her?!

I would take it as he sexually assaulted or made a sleazy unwanted pass at her in the past, so it gives her the creeps to be around him @LouLou300

I don't think she's attracted to him at all; quite the opposite.

Seems unlikely he's involved in anything illegal or very immoral according to OP's description of him.

@Gwenhwyfar No-one can tell most of the time, or no woman would be raped byy an acquaintance. There wouldn't be the phenomenon of everyone thinking an abuser is a great guy and not believing the victim, either.

@LouLou300 Is he of a different socioeducational background or subculture to you and her?

Other than that, she's either jealous of you having a relationship, or wants you to be single so you can hang out together more/ is nostalgic for the single life you had.

Or is secretly attracted to women and wants you for herself, I guess.

I would take it as he sexually assaulted or made a sleazy unwanted pass at her in the past, so it gives her the creeps to be around him

@me4real
Thats some jump.@LouLou300 her friend is the one with the problem,not only with this bf but with all of them.Shes even jealous of other friends. I think it says a lot about this site ,when the man even when innocent is the first to be blamed.

Your friend reminds me of myself at age 12. I didn’t understand how to be a good friend and just couldn’t share. It took being dumped by a few friends to snap me out of it.

Incidentally I don’t understand why so many posters are desperate to make out that ALL OP’s previous partners were some kind of deviants and the “friend” is a hero fighting from the shadows in OP’s corner. She ain’t Batman

I think she is jealous and doesn’t want to share you with a fella.

Does she have a fella?

Why don't you stop trying to figure her out and instead figure out what you want? Do you have fun with her and want to spend time with her one to one, in a superficial way where talk of your relationship/your DP is off the table and you never invite her to group things? Do you want to drop her because she's rude you your DP? I don't think she's ever going to give you an answer or want to be around him, so I think you should let go of that option.

Hey everyone, still here just on my way home from work.

Thank you for all of your comments.

They have never hung out alone, as far as I am aware. If they have ever been in contact it’s been with me or with the group. I would hate to think of any of those possibilities happening and if they had then of course I’d have her back but unless I’m made aware of the actual concern or issue I can’t help but step away from her currently.

He also is very non-confrontational and avoids drama, so to him it’s just whatever, his attitude is he doesn’t care enough to lose sleep over it, which I love that about him. Where as I am the type to want to get to the bottom of it.

It has been playing on my mind and the not attending the reunion does say to me that she is embarrassed of her behaviour possibly? I do agree with others that it’s disgusting how she has acted.

When I do text or if I hear from her then I will be sure to update you. I would text now but I feel like emotions are too high and I don’t want to react out of anger rather than sense.

I agree with @thepeopleversuswork eg all about control. This feels to me like that intense type of girlfriend relationship you maybe have in your early teens eg 14/15 where you are possessive of your best friend, demanding and jealous. It sounds like she hasn’t grown up.
I really don’t see that she is frightened at all as per some posts, she is trying to create the drama.
It’s really awful to just leave and create that drama on your whole family not just you.
I think you should question your relationship with her completely.
If something had gone on with him she would say something by now - it’s 5 years.
Honestly I would concentrate on your relationship with your boyfriend.
This will only get worse if you move on and say get engaged so step back now.

@Sundayspilot thank you for your comment.

Honestly, okay, we didn’t work out but they really weren’t bad guys, and none of them were ever abusive or violent. Just a little unserious.

As others have said; she has been with guys who I haven’t been as fond of but I would never have been rude to them.

Her behaviour does sound immature; we are in our 30s!

@Gilly12345 hey; no she is single and doesn’t have a partner at the moment

@AmberIsACertainty thank you for this. In an ideal world of course I’d have my partner and my best friend get on and we would all be fine but I think your right in that she is not going to change.
She has no reason to dislike him (I’m saying this because she hasn’t actually given me one) and it’s unfair and disgusting that she would continue to act that way with him.
I do feel angry about it and I’m disappointed that she thinks she can treat my boyfriend like that. I think she has been so used to her behaviour and not being called out for it she thinks she can act that way with my life too and it’s not on.

@KindChick

I agree with *@thepeopleversuswork* eg all about control. This feels to me like that intense type of girlfriend relationship you maybe have in your early teens eg 14/15 where you are possessive of your best friend, demanding and jealous. It sounds like she hasn’t grown up. I really don’t see that she is frightened at all as per some posts, she is trying to create the drama. It’s really awful to just leave and create that drama on your whole family not just you. I think you should question your relationship with her completely. If something had gone on with him she would say something by now - it’s 5 years. Honestly I would concentrate on your relationship with your boyfriend. This will only get worse if you move on and say get engaged so step back now.

I agree. You have to look at the pattern. If she really had grounds to dislike him she would likely have said so when probed. Some people do set the bar very high when judging their friends' partners and that's a good thing, by and large. But if its absolutely all your friends and every partner you've ever had, its her, not them.

I also agree with you that some people never grow out of these very intense friendships which develop among teenagers and younger women. I think these can sometimes almost be a substitute for romantic love at a time when boys aren't mature enough to offer the stability you need. That can be a very positive thing. But its not realistic to expect that level of intensity to survive for life. And anyone who tries to stop you being friends with everyone else clearly doesn't have your best intentions at heart.

It may be time to consider that you may have outgrown this friend. Regardless of the situation with your boyfriend. She sounds very claustrophobia inducing.