Best friend stormed out when boyfriend arrived...

[LouLou300]

Hey, new poster. I just need help understanding this situation and would love to hear what you guys think...

On Saturday we had a small family get-together, it was a surprise do for my mother's birthday and the anniversary of my dad's passing, and luckily it turned out to be a really lovely day that led on well into the evening.

I had planned the event myself, so was at my house in the garden mostly, was just a relaxed day for everyone. My partner was working during the day but we had made plans for him to come once he had finished.

Throughout the day best friend would make little comments about my partner, for example, if someone would ask what time he is coming she would quickly chime in "oh is he definitely coming?" or "I don't think he will come" or "I doubt he'll come honestly" or worst yet, passively "I hope he doesn't".

I didn't think much of it at the time, best friend has met my partner a few times but makes it painfully obvious she dislikes him, to the point it makes me very uncomfortable. I have asked her what her reason for disliking him is and she says "I just don't" or "you could do better" and that she isn't being rude intentionally.

From my stance, there is no reason for her to dislike my boyfriend, he is so lovely and makes me super happy and my family all approve. He has never done me wrong.

Anyway, at 6:30 pm my partner calls and says he is on the way with a friend and would be 5-10 minutes etc, asked if I needed anything from the shop I said no, see you soon. I went into the kitchen to tell everyone he is almost here because everyone is very fond of him and had been asking about him all day. Everyone seemed excited.

My best friend immediately jumps out of her seat, rushes past me saying "I need to pack my bag", I follow her asking her what's wrong and why she is rushing off, she just keeps saying "nothing, it’s okay, I just need to make a move" I ask her why as the plan was for her to stay over she just says "oh no I was thinking of going home anyway", I asked her again what’s wrong and that I would like her to stay, she is just frantically packing her bag, not looking at me and just keeps saying it's fine. I hear the front door go so I leave her to it and go and greet my boyfriend and his friend.

My boyfriend and his friend arrive and are speaking with everyone when I hear some footsteps and the front door slam shut. I realize it was my best friend who left in a hurry, without saying a word. The front door is by the kitchen arch where most people were standing, she didn't say goodbye nor even acknowledge my boyfriend and his friend when she rushed past, just completely blanked everyone, including me.

I haven't heard from her since, nor have I tried to message her. I feel rather angry and annoyed at how she acted as i can't really make sense of it at all? I can't help but think not only is it disrespectful for my partner but it's also disrespectful towards me?

Everyone, including my boyfriend, asked what my best friend's hurry was, I just made an excuse and said she had to leave.

For context, I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We all sort of grew up together and were in the same circle. They have never been 'friends' but I've always expected her to be civil at least? Looking at it, my best friend has NEVER approved of any of my partners and always has some sort of problem with them. I have spoken to my boyfriend about it, he doesn't seem bothered but just tells me he thinks she's rather rude.

Any advice would be appreciated? x

I think she is just quite miserable and wants me to be too.

Sounds like that's the answer OP. I'd give her one more chance to answer the question 'WTF is your problem with me having a life that includes people other than you? Because it's really obvious that you can't stand me interacting with anyone else ever. It's immensely fucking draining and weird. Stop it.'

It may make her stop and have a look at herself, who knows. Or she's depressed and dealing with it poorly....

@WeatherwaxOn ah i see, that was so lovely of you to reach out after all that time. Very annoying that you were unable to get to the bottom of it, but i guess people can really be bitter when it comes to others' happiness?

[quote LouLou300]@youvegottenminuteslynn please do take the time to read the entire thread before commenting nonsense. READ UP and see where I said I defended him.

I can assure you, I would rip the head of a person if they were to hurt or offend him. He isn't remotely bothered by her or the fact she doesn't like him.

and again, No one was offended by what she was saying because everything she said was made up... not even remotely close to how he is.[/quote]
I'm really not speaking nonsense.

If a friend of mine spoke of a partner of mine, who treated me well, the way you've described here, it wouldn't matter if she said it to his face or not or if he said it didn't bother him, she wouldn't be my best friend anymore.

she has said quite a few disgusting things about him to me. About his family, not looking like they have much money. His job is rubbish, to her, when in fact he has a very good job that earns him a very good salary. She says he is a loser, although I can't see how? he has his own place, earns a decent wage, and is a very likable person, we always go out and he is always treating me randomly. Also, weird but everyone who meets him says he is handsome and well-mannered, whereas she says he's ugly and that she doesn't know what I see him.

@Immunetypegoblin
That's the only way I can think of putting it lol. I just want a peaceful life tbh, to I can see its all just drama, so how do I say to her if you continue this way, I don't want to be around you and my boyfriend certainly doesn't need to be around it either.

Sorry to derail the thread but @YanTanTethera123 - you could have said "She is throwing a strop" but you had to use the derogatory term "throwing a paddy". I can't quote your post but it is an offensive term to use.

Back to the main topic now - I do hope @LouLou300 that you're able to get to the bottom of whatever is causing your 'friend' to behave as she is doing and in doing that, I hope you're friendship can continue.

I think she wants you to be her single friend.

Shes never really accepted him as your partner, hence hardly ever meeting him and continuing to act like you’re single, but she also has to realise now that after 5 years you’re likely to be talking about moving in/marriage/family etc and that will scare her, so she’s upping her campaign.

I don’t know how old you are but she’ll probably think that as you get older it’ll be harder for you to find a new partner. And that’s what she wants.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

No, it is nonsense. I asked for advice on my situation, but you instead tried to pick apart my loyalty which is laughable.

Understand that you do not know me at all, so the advice was asked for but in regards to your opinion on my loyalty, keep that one to yourself.

I'm an incredibly loyal person, unfortunately, which is why I'm in the firing line and protecting both of them. I realize I cannot do that anymore and that she is the problem.

When I ask she just says she won't spend time or be around with someone she doesn't like. I'm getting sick of it.

"Unfortunately, friend - as you don't appear to like many people, & I am not prepared to stop seeing people I like, you are cutting your nose off to spite your face. Unless you are prepared to be more flexible & polite, you are going to be seeing a lot less of me.
That's not an ultimatum btw - it's logistics. I am no longer prepared to curtail my own life & relationships in order to pander to your selfishness."

It will sting her, but ... frankly the only hope this friendship has of for survival is some radical honesty, which she seems unwilling to give you.
She didn't care about hurting you or your mum with her ludicrous disappearing act.
& she doesn't care much about your happiness either. You being happy with other people, no matter how much you try to include or make separate time for her, runs counter to the exclusive relationship with you that she feels entitled to.

I suspect she is escalating & will become more toxic over time.
Maybe she would benefit from counselling, but you are not a counsellor OP, & it's not your job to agonise over her behaviour.
You've tried that, it hasn't changed anything.

If she wants you in her life, she needs to make some of the compromises - right now, it's all down to you.

Oh I have a friend like this. Although in her case she just hates men and never has anything good to say about any male.

Your friend is a possessive drama llama. You don’t need that.

@LookItsMeAgain I am sorry that you got offended, i missed this comment completely.

Thank you, I have decided I will leave it for a couple of days and will wait for an apology. If not, I will instigate the conversation about where we go from here in our friendship.

@LouLou300
I'm not surprised she's hard work, she seems like everyone should pander to her. If you're happy then don't let her immaturity spoil it

@ChargingBuck

When I ask she just says she won't spend time or be around with someone she doesn't like. I'm getting sick of it.

"Unfortunately, friend - as you don't appear to like many people, & I am not prepared to stop seeing people I like, you are cutting your nose off to spite your face. Unless you are prepared to be more flexible & polite, you are going to be seeing a lot less of me.
That's not an ultimatum btw - it's logistics. I am no longer prepared to curtail my own life & relationships in order to pander to your selfishness."

It will sting her, but ... frankly the only hope this friendship has of for survival is some radical honesty, which she seems unwilling to give you.
She didn't care about hurting you or your mum with her ludicrous disappearing act.
& she doesn't care much about your happiness either. You being happy with other people, no matter how much you try to include or make separate time for her, runs counter to the exclusive relationship with you that she feels entitled to.

I suspect she is escalating & will become more toxic over time.
Maybe she would benefit from counselling, but you are not a counsellor OP, & it's not your job to agonise over her behaviour.
You've tried that, it hasn't changed anything.

If she wants you in her life, she needs to make some of the compromises - right now, it's all down to you.

This is perfect, that is the saying I was looking for!! cutting her nose off to spite her face. It does just boil down to selfishness... it makes me sad that i would lose a friend but evidently, i have been blind-sighted by her due to our history, ive allowed myself to overlook it.

[quote LouLou300]@youvegottenminuteslynn

No, it is nonsense. I asked for advice on my situation, but you instead tried to pick apart my loyalty which is laughable.

Understand that you do not know me at all, so the advice was asked for but in regards to your opinion on my loyalty, keep that one to yourself.

I'm an incredibly loyal person, unfortunately, which is why I'm in the firing line and protecting both of them. I realize I cannot do that anymore and that she is the problem.[/quote]
I don't know why you're being so intense about this as I'm responding to you on a discussion forum so telling me to keep stuff to myself is a bit strange. I'm not calling into question your fundamental integrity as a human being for goodness sake. I'm saying that for me, and I think many other people, I do consider it disloyal of a partner to stay friends with someone who repeatedly criticises and mocks their partner's family, job and even looks. I don't understand how staying friends with someone like that is loyal to your boyfriend. You seem to think I'm an arsehole and I'm sorry if I came across that way. I just can't get my head around saying it's horrible of me to question your loyalty when you're friends with someone who has shit talked your boyfriend for years.

@Anythingelseintheboxpandora haha, I see. I think she is a drama llama yes. I don't want to be around it anymore, we aren't in school. I assumed she would stop her shitty behavior but the storming out proves me wrong.

@RaginaFalangi Thank you, I don't plan to allow her to spoil it, i am super happy, i just wish she could be too x

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I don't think you're an asshole at all, but again you've missed the point.

I don't need direction on how to be a loyal girlfriend from someone I don't know on the internet, I asked people to advise on why my best friend stormed out on my mother's birthday and the anniversary of my dad's death.

I'm defensive because lord knows I did have my partners back and I definitely defended him, so if you question that, that's absolutely fine, but keep that to yourself, respecfully.

[quote LouLou300]@youvegottenminuteslynn

I don't think you're an asshole at all, but again you've missed the point.

I don't need direction on how to be a loyal girlfriend from someone I don't know on the internet, I asked people to advise on why my best friend stormed out on my mother's birthday and the anniversary of my dad's death.

I'm defensive because lord knows I did have my partners back and I definitely defended him, so if you question that, that's absolutely fine, but keep that to yourself, respecfully.[/quote]
Agree to disagree, I haven't missed your point I just didn't agree with it. Everyone has varying thresholds for different things, loyalty included.

The main thing is that you and your boyfriend are happy but this friend is toxic. Life's too short for toxic people and she's benefiting from a friendship she doesn't deserve.

It sounds like she has taken advantage of you being forgiving and hopefully you can see now that her time should be up.

The last thing you'll want is her at your wedding, so if that's on the cards it's a good motivation for you to call it quits with her sooner rather than later, as hard as it will be as you've known her so long.

She's a mean girl who hasn't grown up. Try not to feel an obligation to her based on the fact she hasn't got other close friends - it sounds like she's made it that way.

I haven't read the whole thing but this thread reminds me of a friend I had who did the same when I had a boyfriend....only we were 15 at the time not adults! She just didn't like him but couldn't give any reason and would be rude to him. She was very pleased and back to normal when we split up.

One thing I notice with idiots like your friend who need to grow up is that they have to air their disapproval in a silly childish drama display.
Why make silly comments when your boyfriend is mentioned, why make such an exhibition of packing a bag whilst pretending she was just leaving because she wanted to go home and why stamp up the hallway and bang the door so you know she's gone.

She clearly wanted to make sure that even though she was gone everyone knew she wasn't there and might spend time talking about her. If she doesn't like your partner and can't decide why she can deal with it herself without the drama.

She sounds like a right knob, fuck her off

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Yes, I understand. As I mentioned, I am very protective of those I love. If it had been anyone else, my reaction would have been very different but when it's someone you've known for 25 years, I can assure you there is a part of you that doubts they can be that malicious, and in all honesty, I was avoiding a fallout because I love him but I also love her. However, I can assure you I defended him and told her I don't appreciate her shitty comments, she hasn't commented anything negative in a long time which is why the storm out came as such a shocker.

I do agree and after this thread, i realize i have been too much of a good friend to someone who wasn't reciprocating at all which is rubbish but it cant continue, your right she is acting like a mean girl and is ruining her own life. Unfortunatly.

Has she behaved like this in any other situation during your friendship? I suppose I'm asking if her behaviour is out of character?

If she's not a drama queen usually, then her extreme reaction really does seem significant. My friends have dated men I haven't liked, even married men I disliked but I'd never behave like that!

I'd really be wondering what has provoked her extreme reaction. I'd be worried about the worst possibilities but also it's possible that she just really really dislikes him? Maybe he bullied her at school or something. I hope you find out OP!

@Rainbunny that's the thing, I have never personally seen her act this way before, it was far too dramatic...

But regardless, it was shitty to do, even if you don't like him, pop your head in and say goodbye? Ridiculous.

OP, this woman has no friends, is single, and you are her only friend. Why do you think that is?

Let’s be brutal here, often when people say “I have no friends, It’s because they’re just not nice people, and nobody wants to be friends with them because of it.

This woman is vile, and you are allowing yourself to be a victim of that.

I am by no means suggesting that you’re not loyal to your BF here, I see from your previous posts that you are, but if my partner had a friend who was constantly vile to and about me to the point they stormed out if I entered the room, I would question whether I wanted to stay in the relationship with someone who didn’t do anything about it.

It wouldn’t be a case of offering up ultimatums, I would simply walk away because a relationship just doesn’t have a future if one party allows others to be so vile about another.

When we have posts on here from posters saying their ILs are horrible to and about them, the consensus is always that “you have a dh problem, not an IL problem,” when the DH refuses to stick up for them or to challenge the behaviour.

This woman isn’t a friend. But you need to be careful that she doesn’t drag you down with her and become your only friend as well because other people don’t want to be around her because of what a vile person she is and how you don’t challenge her on it.

I'm going to guess that while she wants you to be happy as an abstract thought, she is struggling with the changes that brings.
You are moving on to a new phase of your life, married, kids - and whether it is intentional or not, it is hard to find time to maintain your friendships to the same level as to when you were single.
You simply don't have the same amount of time.
So my guess is that she's is hurting over the loss of your friendship and her companion - particularly as you say she never likes any of your boyfriends.

@LookItsMeAgain I'm sure it wasn't done intentionally, a lot of people genuinely have no idea - I didn't myself know that some people considered that word offensive until quite recently.

From what you have described:

There is history between them;
or
She is attracted to him / she made a pass at him;
or
She recognises where your relationship is heading and doesn't like it.

It is interesting that she is not now going to the reunion (presumably your boyfriend was never invited). She probably recognises that her behaviour at the party was out or order, but rather than face it and apologise she is hiding away.

I would not chase her for an explanation, you have tried previously and haven't got anywhere. I wouldn't push for an apology either, if she is embarrassed at her rudeness, it will only make things worse.

Continue to invite her to things, with and without your boyfriend, and let her choose what she wants to do, it is her loss. One day an opportunity will present itself and then you can tell her that you love her but her behaviour is driving you away and if you have to choose, it won't be her. An earlier PP put it very eloquently. Good Luck

@ YellowBeryl but she doesn’t have any other friends, has always hated all of OP’s boyfriends and other friends. She is simply an unpleasant human being and everyone else has seen straight through her enough to not want anything to do with her.

OP needs to do the same ideally, but if she can’t, then she needs to accept that she may stand to lose other friendships and even her relationship over it.