Best friend stormed out when boyfriend arrived...

[LouLou300]

Hey, new poster. I just need help understanding this situation and would love to hear what you guys think...

On Saturday we had a small family get-together, it was a surprise do for my mother's birthday and the anniversary of my dad's passing, and luckily it turned out to be a really lovely day that led on well into the evening.

I had planned the event myself, so was at my house in the garden mostly, was just a relaxed day for everyone. My partner was working during the day but we had made plans for him to come once he had finished.

Throughout the day best friend would make little comments about my partner, for example, if someone would ask what time he is coming she would quickly chime in "oh is he definitely coming?" or "I don't think he will come" or "I doubt he'll come honestly" or worst yet, passively "I hope he doesn't".

I didn't think much of it at the time, best friend has met my partner a few times but makes it painfully obvious she dislikes him, to the point it makes me very uncomfortable. I have asked her what her reason for disliking him is and she says "I just don't" or "you could do better" and that she isn't being rude intentionally.

From my stance, there is no reason for her to dislike my boyfriend, he is so lovely and makes me super happy and my family all approve. He has never done me wrong.

Anyway, at 6:30 pm my partner calls and says he is on the way with a friend and would be 5-10 minutes etc, asked if I needed anything from the shop I said no, see you soon. I went into the kitchen to tell everyone he is almost here because everyone is very fond of him and had been asking about him all day. Everyone seemed excited.

My best friend immediately jumps out of her seat, rushes past me saying "I need to pack my bag", I follow her asking her what's wrong and why she is rushing off, she just keeps saying "nothing, it’s okay, I just need to make a move" I ask her why as the plan was for her to stay over she just says "oh no I was thinking of going home anyway", I asked her again what’s wrong and that I would like her to stay, she is just frantically packing her bag, not looking at me and just keeps saying it's fine. I hear the front door go so I leave her to it and go and greet my boyfriend and his friend.

My boyfriend and his friend arrive and are speaking with everyone when I hear some footsteps and the front door slam shut. I realize it was my best friend who left in a hurry, without saying a word. The front door is by the kitchen arch where most people were standing, she didn't say goodbye nor even acknowledge my boyfriend and his friend when she rushed past, just completely blanked everyone, including me.

I haven't heard from her since, nor have I tried to message her. I feel rather angry and annoyed at how she acted as i can't really make sense of it at all? I can't help but think not only is it disrespectful for my partner but it's also disrespectful towards me?

Everyone, including my boyfriend, asked what my best friend's hurry was, I just made an excuse and said she had to leave.

For context, I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We all sort of grew up together and were in the same circle. They have never been 'friends' but I've always expected her to be civil at least? Looking at it, my best friend has NEVER approved of any of my partners and always has some sort of problem with them. I have spoken to my boyfriend about it, he doesn't seem bothered but just tells me he thinks she's rather rude.

Any advice would be appreciated? x

@Coconuttts hey, I did answer this a few comments up. She has always been invited and included but refuses if he is there or if there is going to be a group. She just won't come or be around him.

@starfishmummy god, this doesn't sound good when writing it down but she doesn't like my other friends either although she can stomach being in the same room as them, unlike how she is with my boyfriend.

I feel like she doesn't really have much nice to say about anyone.

" I would NEVER allow him to bad mouth her to me"

But you're accepting him saying that she has "a stick up her arse" - which is badmouthing her to you...? When your best friend has said she simply doesn't like/trust him, and done a hasty flit from a party that it's clear she was hoping (desperately, I'd say) he'd not show up at.

either he's made a pass at her, made her feel deeply uncomfortable/unsafe in his presence, or she knows something about him - but doesn't want to be the one to break your heart.

But I'd look at the language each has used. One dismisses it as "I just don't like [them]" and the other essentially says "they have a screw loose, no one but you likes them, you can't trust them...". One of those genuinely has your best interests at heart, and the other is covering tracks and trying to isolate the source who might tell you the truth one day.

You might have been with your boyfriend for 5 years, OP - but that still doesn't mean that you can trust them wholeheartedly, I'm afraid. And the words you're claiming he's said, the language being used, your best friend's flit from your home...? Either way, you're being played for a fool.

Anyway, she just clearly has the hots for him. She panicked that you would be able to tell, so she left. That's what I think.

@WeatherwaxOn this is really interesting and sounds fairly similar.

In the first couple of years of me and my boyfriend dating, if me and best friend were out she would continue to try and set me up with guys, even though I was in a relationship. All of my other friends think he is great and is happy for me. I don't know why she can't?

I would bet solid money there is nothing between them.
Maybe if she'd fine before and suddenly changed.
She has form for disliking previous boyfriends and friends, you've been with him 5 years and she's been like this all along. Something would have come out if they'd been together so long ago.
She's just a possessive friend. They exist.

Have you and your DP discussed moving in together or marriage etc? It sounds like a form of jealousy, that he is 'taking you away from her'.

@contrary13 Thanks for your comment.

I completely get what you're saying. I mean I'm not brownie pointing things but over the 5 years, she has said quite a few disgusting things about him to me. About his family, not looking like they have much money. His job is rubbish, to her, when in fact he has a very good job that earns him a very good salary. She says he is a loser, although I can't see how? he has his own place, earns a decent wage, and is a very likable person, we always go out and he is always treating me randomly. Also, weird but everyone who meets him says he is handsome and well-mannered, whereas she says he's ugly and that she doesn't know what I see him.

I don't tell my boyfriend about any of those comments and in all honesty, he doesn't mention her at all, only in response to me having to apologize for her rude behavior.

Am I still overlooking it?

I have a friend like this. She doesn’t have a lot of other friends so when I have had a partner in the past her first response is to pick them apart and be scathing, which is very upsetting.

She has admitted it’s fear and jealousy. She always thinks that she and I are both into middle age and single for most of it so we will be around for each other as we get older and any partner leaves her potentially alone.

I think you might be the social prop, her social life, and she’s threatened more and more by your DP as it gets more serious. But I agree this has crossed a line and it’s essential that she explains her behaviour. It’s not acceptable to just say ‘I dont like him’. I don’t like a lot of people but I don’t do a drama Queen flounce out in a childish look at me manner. I think she needs to put up or shut up. Explain herself or stop the dramatics. Or sadly you will be seeing her very much less as you’re daft if you compromise on time seeing DP to see her nursing her grievance like a wee Gollum.

@KatherineJaneway Yes actually, we want to try for children but want to be married first. We have been looking at rings recently but I'm in no particular rush.
Bestfriend does know this, however, I feel like I can't speak and be happy about it because she shoots me down.

I had a "friend" like this who had known all along that my ex had been seeing another woman and she never told me. She fobbed me off with that one and stupidly I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
When I met someone new, ( we've now been together 28 years!) she disapproved massively, started throwing tantrums and then turned up one night at my door, uninvited, with a box of chocolates and a bottle of wine to inform me that we were going to get this "sorted" by which, as the next ten minutes unfurled, plainly meant that she was going to persuade me to end it with him.
I told her to leave and haven't seen her since.
I just think she was very bitter and preferred me when I was unhappy.
I agree with @deydododatdodontdeydo.

Yeah, having read more of your replies OP, I don't think that he is the problem here from your side.

She may be scared that you are moving on in your life and she isn't. She may just be possessive and be an attention sponge, who knew if she acted that way she would ruin your party. She may be jealous.

None of these are great tbh. But maybe not insurmountable, if she can rein herself and her attention seeking in. I wouldn't chase her. She owes you an apology. Reasonable people don't behave that way.

Best friends and partners are not in competition. They are 2 equally important distinct roles.

@Itsnotmyjob Thank you for this, I did giggle.

How did you approach the situation with your friend? I do think a conversation needs to be had, especially after how she stormed out on Saturday, making a commotion.

It would hurt to have to take such a massive step back from her, I've always tried to include her but I guess she doesn't want to compromise unless it's benefiting her.

They’ve definitely shagged in the past or something like that. Your OP screamed that to me.

[quote LouLou300]@starfishmummy god, this doesn't sound good when writing it down but she doesn't like my other friends either although she can stomach being in the same room as them, unlike how she is with my boyfriend.

I feel like she doesn't really have much nice to say about anyone.[/quote]
Not good is it?

I had a friend like this. She is jealous of your relationship and will never be happy for you. She may ease of when she has a relationship of her own.

@chickenyhead Thank you, your lovely. I think you have nailed it. I will try and have another conversation about it with both of them when the time is right but I do believe I'm owed an apology for how she acted.

@starfishmummy When you relay all of the information and you look at it, no it doesn't look good.

It's just a real shame.

@contrary13

" I would NEVER allow him to bad mouth her to me"

But you're accepting him saying that she has "a stick up her arse" - which is badmouthing her to you...? When your best friend has said she simply doesn't like/trust him, and done a hasty flit from a party that it's clear she was hoping (desperately, I'd say) he'd not show up at.

either he's made a pass at her, made her feel deeply uncomfortable/unsafe in his presence, or she knows something about him - but doesn't want to be the one to break your heart.

But I'd look at the language each has used. One dismisses it as "I just don't like [them]" and the other essentially says "they have a screw loose, no one but you likes them, you can't trust them...". One of those genuinely has your best interests at heart, and the other is covering tracks and trying to isolate the source who might tell you the truth one day.

You might have been with your boyfriend for 5 years, OP - but that still doesn't mean that you can trust them wholeheartedly, I'm afraid. And the words you're claiming he's said, the language being used, your best friend's flit from your home...? Either way, you're being played for a fool.

Is that you, OP’s soon-to-be-ex best friend?

She sounds toxic and deeply unpleasant, @LouLou300… what on earth do you get out of this relationship? When she said that she hoped he wouldn’t come, how did you not say ‘what the fuck is your problem?’?? How have you not pulled her up before on her dreadful behaviour?

Not so relevant but Bestfriend and I went to the same primary school, which some of the old group were arranging to have a sort of reunion so we are all in a Facebook group message.

Bestfriend was keen on going, but I've just noticed she messaged in the group on Sunday evening saying she won't be attending.

So now she is avoiding me too??? what??

Dear Loulou it sounds like you've answered your own question - if she has never liked any of your boyfriends and doesn't like any of your other friends then the issue has to be her. She could be jealous or in love with you herself? I think you need to have a frank conversation with her. It's going to be super awkward but you need to find out whether your friendship with her is worth saving. It doesn't sound like she's much fun to be around if you are walking on eggshells the whole time!

Do you think perhaps that she is jealous of you for being happy and with a handsome man who has a good job?

Your friend is a drama queen. She is trying to gaslight you because she doesn’t like your boyfriend. If she wants to tell you why she ran out she will. But I’m sure it’s nothing more than her wanting attention. I assume she is single?

Next time you see her, tell her she embarassed you (and herself) by the dramatic exit at your party. That sort of behaviour is not acceptable in polite society. She can either apologize, or explain the real truth behind her not liking your boyfriend.

@DrinkingWishingSmokingHoping Oh that made me laugh.

Your very right and I should have definitely nipped it in the bud a long time ago. I guess I'm just so used to her negative comments about people, they go in one ear and out there which i know is terrible on my part too.

Looking at it, other than our history, I don't know what she brings to the table friendship-wise. I feel as though it's very one-sided.