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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Best friend stormed out when boyfriend arrived...

241 replies

LouLou300 · 28/06/2021 14:22

Hey, new poster. I just need help understanding this situation and would love to hear what you guys think...

On Saturday we had a small family get-together, it was a surprise do for my mother's birthday and the anniversary of my dad's passing, and luckily it turned out to be a really lovely day that led on well into the evening.

I had planned the event myself, so was at my house in the garden mostly, was just a relaxed day for everyone. My partner was working during the day but we had made plans for him to come once he had finished.

Throughout the day best friend would make little comments about my partner, for example, if someone would ask what time he is coming she would quickly chime in "oh is he definitely coming?" or "I don't think he will come" or "I doubt he'll come honestly" or worst yet, passively "I hope he doesn't".

I didn't think much of it at the time, best friend has met my partner a few times but makes it painfully obvious she dislikes him, to the point it makes me very uncomfortable. I have asked her what her reason for disliking him is and she says "I just don't" or "you could do better" and that she isn't being rude intentionally.

From my stance, there is no reason for her to dislike my boyfriend, he is so lovely and makes me super happy and my family all approve. He has never done me wrong.

Anyway, at 6:30 pm my partner calls and says he is on the way with a friend and would be 5-10 minutes etc, asked if I needed anything from the shop I said no, see you soon. I went into the kitchen to tell everyone he is almost here because everyone is very fond of him and had been asking about him all day. Everyone seemed excited.

My best friend immediately jumps out of her seat, rushes past me saying "I need to pack my bag", I follow her asking her what's wrong and why she is rushing off, she just keeps saying "nothing, it’s okay, I just need to make a move" I ask her why as the plan was for her to stay over she just says "oh no I was thinking of going home anyway", I asked her again what’s wrong and that I would like her to stay, she is just frantically packing her bag, not looking at me and just keeps saying it's fine. I hear the front door go so I leave her to it and go and greet my boyfriend and his friend.

My boyfriend and his friend arrive and are speaking with everyone when I hear some footsteps and the front door slam shut. I realize it was my best friend who left in a hurry, without saying a word. The front door is by the kitchen arch where most people were standing, she didn't say goodbye nor even acknowledge my boyfriend and his friend when she rushed past, just completely blanked everyone, including me.

I haven't heard from her since, nor have I tried to message her. I feel rather angry and annoyed at how she acted as i can't really make sense of it at all? I can't help but think not only is it disrespectful for my partner but it's also disrespectful towards me?

Everyone, including my boyfriend, asked what my best friend's hurry was, I just made an excuse and said she had to leave.

For context, I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We all sort of grew up together and were in the same circle. They have never been 'friends' but I've always expected her to be civil at least? Looking at it, my best friend has NEVER approved of any of my partners and always has some sort of problem with them. I have spoken to my boyfriend about it, he doesn't seem bothered but just tells me he thinks she's rather rude.

Any advice would be appreciated? x

OP posts:
MrsMaizel · 28/06/2021 15:01

@Wombat24

He's either made a pass at her now or she's shagged him in the past. Or knows something about him...
My first thought too.
LouLou300 · 28/06/2021 15:01

@chickenyhead Thank you for saying this, I think it's what I needed to hear. People have always said to me that I am a better/ more supportive friend to her than she is me, but I always looked past it because I want her in my life.

I've been with him for 5 years, I would NEVER allow him to bad mouth her to me, which is why he just accepts her behavior but I don't like the comments she makes about him and I have to defend him too. It's just disrespectful and very confusing.

OP posts:
IntroducingMyLadyGarden · 28/06/2021 15:02

Something triggered her abrupt departure. It wouldn't be unreasonable to tell her the way she left was off, and can she tell you why she did that, cos without a reason it would just be taken as rudeness. See what she says.

Wombat24 · 28/06/2021 15:02

Regardless of the reason, it's now got to a point where she has to explain. I have a track record of storming out (no excuse but I'm ND, now I know this, I have adapted situations to avoid doing it) and generally, it's embarrassing but you then have to address whatever the issue actually is...

IntroducingMyLadyGarden · 28/06/2021 15:03

I would be distancing myself if she can't share with you what her problem is.

VettiyaIruken · 28/06/2021 15:04

You need to tell her very very clearly that her behaviour is unacceptable and you don't intend to tolerate it any more. She is either civil to your partner or she can piss off.

Hagqueen · 28/06/2021 15:04

Sorry, but I disagree with approaching her about fancying you.

She can be jealous and not because she wants to be with you romantically, but she wants to be prioritised over him. She’s being a twat about it. I’d talk to her about it but tbh, she sounds pretty miserable and you’d be better off without her.

LemonTT · 28/06/2021 15:05

How come she has only met him a few times of you have been together years?

Scoobysdoo · 28/06/2021 15:06

I don't think she fancies you, if she did I think she'd stay and try to compete for your attention. It wouldn't be this reaction.

She knows something. Something has happened and she can't deal with it, either controlling her anger or upset when she's around him so she removes herself from the situation. I don't think either one is going to be truthful with you on this, is there another person close to her that might be able to help?

SpindleWhorl · 28/06/2021 15:06

@MrsTerryPratchett

Looking at it, my best friend has NEVER approved of any of my partners and always has some sort of problem with them

Either she's the type of 'friend' you need to outgrow who doesn't want the best for you, or you pick shit boyfriends. What were the others like? And does she ever have a partner?

Yeah, I'm with MrsTerry.
LouLou300 · 28/06/2021 15:07

@LemonTT Generally she is rather anti-social but has never come across in this way before. If he is there or if we make plans as a big group, or even for her to come over to the house whilst is home, she just refuses. When I ask she just says she won't spend time or be around with someone she doesn't like. I'm getting sick of it.

OP posts:
LouLou300 · 28/06/2021 15:09

@Scoobysdoo Honestly, no. I only have those two I could ask and I've tried that and they both play coy.

I know her very well, if he has made a pass at her and she rejected, she would tell me in a heartbeat, I know she would.

OP posts:
Bluedeblue · 28/06/2021 15:09

Whitney, Robyn and Bobby Brown. Just sayin.

LouLou300 · 28/06/2021 15:11

@Hagqueen That's fine, I also agree with you. I don't believe she fancies me at all.

I think your right in that she wants to be a priority in my life, but I also never push her out and try and include her in everything but if it involves him, she refuses to co-operate.

OP posts:
ILoveYou3000 · 28/06/2021 15:11

She sounds jealous. She wants you all to herself, and when your bf is around she has to share your attention. You were supposed to chase after her on Saturday, you didn't so she's punishing you by not being in contact. Her running off like that was all to get your attention back on her.

Scoobysdoo · 28/06/2021 15:11

why is he being coy? that would be an alarm bell for me

HoikingUpMyBigGirlPantss · 28/06/2021 15:12

Maybe she fancies him (or doesnt want to share your time together with him) and acts badly to precipitate a reaction from you. If she wont apologise or tell you honestly then I think the relationship with her has run its course.

LouLou300 · 28/06/2021 15:12

Bluedeblue oh god. lol.

OP posts:
doorornottodoor · 28/06/2021 15:12

She sounds petty, immature and jealous. What does she bring to your life? I couldn’t be friends with someone who couldn’t be happy for me.

postcardhell · 28/06/2021 15:14

I think you should ask her to tell you exactly what the problem is or how can you continue with a friendship that involves this kind of behaviour? Either talk to her face to face or send her an email/text if that's easier.

Given that she's been similar with previous partners, it does sound like a jealousy or insecurity issue - maybe she's not secure about the friendship, or she resents the relationship, or she has sexual feelings for either your partner or you? Leaving like that isn't even subtle - it sounds more like she's trying to create a drama for some reason, especially as she'd been signposting it with all the comments about him arriving. If she wanted to slip away unnoticed, she wouldn't have waited and created a drama about packing her stuff, etc.

She might pretend it's nothing, in which case you need to decide whether the 'friendship' is worth continuing, because she clearly has some issue and ought to at least be honest with you.

LouLou300 · 28/06/2021 15:15

@Scoobysdoo maybe not so much coy on his part, he has commented that she doesn't like him, which he says is unfair and rude. I've pushed and asked him why that is, he says he doesn't have a clue...
He has no problems with me inviting her anywhere, doesn't seem uncomfortable or on edge at all, it just her with the problem.

OP posts:
Coconuttts · 28/06/2021 15:15

How have you been with him 5 years, you all grew up together, but they've only met a few times? I'm puzzled.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 28/06/2021 15:15

I think she's jealous, either she fancies you, or him, or doesn't want you to be happy in a relationship so that you pay more attention to her.

WeatherwaxOn · 28/06/2021 15:16

@Wombat24

He's either made a pass at her now or she's shagged him in the past. Or knows something about him...
Not so sure. When I first got together with my now DH one of my friends intensely disliked him. He wasn't from our area, nor from our social circle, and is younger than me. For the first year she kept telling me "I could do better" and several times tried to set me up on a date with someone else. If we were all together she'd barely speak to him and would leave at the earliest opportunity. It caused us to fall out quite spectacularly as I realised that she'd only enjoyed my friendship for the previous few years as I was the 'single friend' that she could drag here there everywhere and sound off to.

Decades later DH and I still together, friend and I reconnected and occasionally catch up but now live at opposite ends of the country.

starfishmummy · 28/06/2021 15:16

If she has been like it with your previous boyfriends, I'd say it is some form of jealousy either because shendoesnt have anyonenor fancies you herself.

How does she behave with your other friends?

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