DH doesn't love me anymore. Feel like I want to die

[zgirldreamsoftulum]

That's it really. Can't go on like this. I'm so sad. Been crying all afternoon in front of the kids. I'm so sad. I don't know what to do.

@zgirldreamsoftulum Our stories are so similar. The first couples session we did was just so painful for me, but for my husband it was also painful and difficult but he said he felt relief at getting everything out. I think hearing the whole truth has helped me to accept how things turned out, although it broke me at the time.

I absolutely get the ok but completely not ok thing too.

OP with regards to work, I negotiated with my manager that I would come in when I felt I could and stay off if I couldn’t. Sometimes I’d manage half a day and have to leave. However that way I still had some kind of routine and distraction rather than being at home in a state all day every day.

I did get a fit note from my GP too so work knew I was experiencing stress.

I’d really recommend negotiating something similar with your manager so you can be at work when it is therapeutic for you but leave when it gets overwhelming. This was an absolute godsend for me (and stopped me from hitting the bottle at 9am)

Sending you much strength xx

@PeridotPenelope thanks for sharing. My manager at work has been absolutely brilliant

@zgirldreamsoftulum Really glad to hear that. Although being at work can sometimes feel awful and there were times when I had to make a rapid exit, having the flexibility to come in and keep things ticking over when I felt able was brilliant for me. Sitting at home was destroying me but at the same time being at work all day felt overwhelming, exhausting and I was unable to focus for long.

I’m so glad you have a supportive manager. It makes such a difference. My manager didn’t even ask questions - she said ‘be where you need to be’. I’ll always be grateful for that flexibility which saw me through the absolute worst few months of my life.

Take care of yourself. You will regain your strength and your power in time xx

@Mrsnippycat how are you doing? Thinking of you

[quote zgirldreamsoftulum]@Mrsnippycat how are you doing? Thinking of you[/quote]
@zgirldreamsoftulum

That's very kind of you to think of me!
I'm doing ok, thank you. The Citalopram is starting to work so I'm feeling a bit less anxious and sleeping better. I still function day to day - memories make me sad and thinking of the future is still scary. But I do feel that I'm getting there now.

How are you? I'm glad you have a good manager, that will definitely help.

@Mrsnippycat glad to hear the citalopram is helping abs you're sleeping. Do you have people around you you can talk to? I had couples therapy again tonight and agin it ended awfully. I cried a lot but am feeling weirdly okay.

I do, people have been very kind and supportive. Some have been a real let down though! I do need to get better at asking for help and opening up more though.

Are you having any counselling on your own?

@Mrsnippycat yes I had a session recently but it was a one off. I'm trying to get another appointment with the counsellor. Also rung the Samaritans a coupleOf times when I thought I was cracking up.

I'm sorry some people are rubbish. I told a really good friend and even though she was lovely and listened when she ventured a comment about the situation I felt really annoyed with her. It's so personal.

I'm not ready to tell anyone else in RL about it as I'm still not sure what's actually happening or when. And for example I would want to tell the children what's happening before other people. But when I think about telling them it breaks my heart.

Yes absolutely, I didn't tell many people when we were at the trial stage, only once it was definite. And for you of course the children need to know first. That will be hard for you, but you'll get through it.

Does your employer have an Employee Assistance Programme? I think you maybe answered that on another post. I had 6 sessions with a counsellor through mine and it was excellent. That said, my husband also tried to use his and they were terrible - he called them at his lowest point and was assessed and told he would be fast tracked, they only called him back last week so a month after he got in touch. He's been seeing a private counsellor thankfully but I was shocked at the difference in service. Anyway I digress. If you have access to an EAP, give them a call. They generally have a helpline as well if you need to talk.

Hi ... I am going threw the same at the min been together 7 years and this is the 3rd time he has done it to me he just goes to work and texts me saying he don't love me anymore and says really hurtful things like this time it was am a fat mess and fat lazy bitch I have 3 children my youngest is his and I work part time I gave my all to him I would do anything for me .... I just want him to come home but there is no point as he has been chatting to girls online for years sending them pics of himself and then sending him pics .. I just don't get it ... how are you doing now I hope u are doing better xx

@skinnycat89

I'm sorry you're going through this too, please don't take him back again - you deserve so, so much better than to be treated like this, let alone the things he says to you.

@skinnycat89 I'm so sorry to hear this. It sounds as though he's said things which are not only hurtful and disappointing but deliberately cruel. It must be so painful. Thinking of you and sending

Yeah they were hurtful he was drunk when he said it but that's not the point I just feel really alone and in pain and don't no what to do with myself x

@skinnycat89 that feeling will pass, you will get through this. Him being drunk is not excuse for what he's done and said.
You're not alone, come here anytime, we all know how you're feeling.

@Mrsnippycat how are you? After 2 couples counselling sessions it's pretty clear my DH has no intention of us staying together. He says we need to have a lot of hard conversations but he's waiting for me to finish work (I've requested a period of unpaid leave to sort my life out which starts soon) before we tackle it. Since the first conversation at the end of June, he's really distanced himself from me. Won't hug. Won't look me in the eye. He went out at bedtime tonight and shortly after one of my DCs woke up with a nose bleed just as the other was finally dropping off. I'm so tired and so ready for these searingly hot, loveless, miserable Sunday to end and I just bawled my eyes out in front of both of them. Feel like I'm coming unglued. I really don't want this to hurt them but I'm such a mess I can't keep the tears on in front of them.

@zgirldreamsoftulum I'm so sorry he's still causing you so much upset. Could you insist on bringing these conversations forward? You already know the outcome, getting the conversations done would let you have your leave to sort your new life out. Also it would hopefully bring forward him moving out - I know it's not what you want but I promise you will find it easier not having him around. That said, while he is there, he needs to be pulling his weight and not leaving everything to you.

Thank you for asking how I am - I feel bad for saying this to you but I'm actually good. I feel like I'm in a positive place and I'm starting to feel more excited about the future on my terms. I hope you are in this place soon too, you deserve this.

Oh @Mrsnippycat that's so good to hear! I'm really glad you're feeling better. Reassuring too as I know from these posts how tough it been for you. How are your DCs doing?
DH and I have. Trip planned next weekend with the kids. Neither of us is feeling it but the kids are so looking forward to it and friends are involved too. I'm super busy this week so my sense is after that trip things will properly start to unravel. But I'm not very good at putting on a brave face in the meantime. Doesn't help that I'm always at home.

@zgirldreamsoftulum Ok, so in advance of getting back from the trip make sure you're ready to hold your own in any discussions and don't be lead by his narrative- create your own. Think about what you want the outcome to be and what you need going forward.
Getting away from home for a bit and being busy will do you good. Try to find a little bit of happiness in every day that you've created for yourself.
We don't have kids which is a good thing but we do share a lot of animals so we see each other a few times a week, it's civil, even friendly. There's nothing there now though.

Thanks @Mrsnippycat. But the problem is my desired outcome is us getting through this and being happy. I have no desire for this relationship to end. I don't want to be separated from him. That's the problem. He's saying the relationship isn't working and he doesn't see us being together any more. And I'm just shattered by it.

Sadly that not going to happen.
You need to think of a future where you are able to keep it together for the kids and feel strong enough not to be manipulated by him again.
The kids must be upset/ worried about all the crying in front of them

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced.

Please listen to the advice you’ve had here, start planning your life without him. No matter what happens you’ll thank yourself for it. I’m still stuck almost 6 years since he left. Please don’t be me! I wish I’d known about mumsnet then x

His not you best and only friend,
It’s hard but trust others you will get over it.
Please pull yourself together in front of the children.
One day not now but soon you’ll look back and smile.
Having a child with addditional needs is so hard and it does impact on relationships