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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH doesn't love me anymore. Feel like I want to die

173 replies

zgirldreamsoftulum · 27/06/2021 16:42

That's it really. Can't go on like this. I'm so sad. Been crying all afternoon in front of the kids. I'm so sad. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
66babe · 27/06/2021 18:47

We are listening @zgirldreamsoftulum ...

picklemewalnuts · 27/06/2021 18:52

How did it happen Zgirl, that you ended up with no other support? Has he made it hard for you to stay in touch with family or have friends?

NotaCoolMum · 27/06/2021 18:53

I’m so sorry @zgirldreamsoftulum you’re not alone. Keep posting and we will offer virtual hugs and hand holds for as long as you need them x

Original poster
zgirldreamsoftulum · 27/06/2021 18:59

Picklemewalnuts no he hasn't made it hard. I just don't really have other friends that I can talk to about this. I'm a very private person. And I've always been closer to him than anyone. I don't want to talk to my mum as it feels complicated - they know each other. We will have been together 20 years next month. The last 18 months of pandemic we've become quite isolated. We've both suffered job losses in the last 5 years. We live in London. A lot of our friends moved away or we just grew apart. I've always struggled a bit with friendships. He's been my best friend more than half my life.

OP posts:
MrsUnderkracker · 27/06/2021 19:02

@honkytonkheroe

Sadly this happened to my sister. Her husband told her that he had been having an affair for the last 6 weeks with someone from work. She had just left her job to look after the kids (18 months and 3) and he encouraged her to do it knowing he was going to leave her. She was distraught. She had counselling and the best bit of advice she was given was to make sure that every time he saw her she was very together. To make him want her back but to play the long game. She did this and he did want her back. By then, she no longer wanted him. She later met someone else who is lovely and she is very happy with. There will be a future for you, you will be happy again but you deserve better than him. Get yourself together (if only for the sake of your kids), find a counsellor for just you and prove to him that he was wrong and was lucky to have you and build a future for you and your kids without him.

I am sorry this has happened to you.

Happened to my sister too and this poster has it spot on.

picklemewalnuts · 27/06/2021 19:02

ThanksThanks

MrsUnderkracker · 27/06/2021 19:03

@zgirldreamsoftulum

Picklemewalnuts no he hasn't made it hard. I just don't really have other friends that I can talk to about this. I'm a very private person. And I've always been closer to him than anyone. I don't want to talk to my mum as it feels complicated - they know each other. We will have been together 20 years next month. The last 18 months of pandemic we've become quite isolated. We've both suffered job losses in the last 5 years. We live in London. A lot of our friends moved away or we just grew apart. I've always struggled a bit with friendships. He's been my best friend more than half my life.

Huge hugs to you lovely.

Keep posting. Keep taking

💕

Original poster
zgirldreamsoftulum · 27/06/2021 19:07

Thank you all for your kindness.

OP posts:
Looley · 27/06/2021 19:08

He has you feeling so down on yourself . Please don’t be. He either means what he says or he is just saying things to hurt you and your children. It’s natural to feel sad and grieve your relationship and grieve all the hurt he has caused and can’t undo. All the things you will no longer do together. It’s so hard isn’t it . But you aren’t alone - there are many of us out here just like you. Sending virtual hugs x

FlowerArranger · 27/06/2021 19:08

I know you don't want him to go.
And you think he is your best friend.

But you need to get out of this mindset and find your anger.
Trust me on this: what you will be forced to go through in the next few months will be so much less hard to bear if you are angry rather than sad.

CHUMPLADY can help you. Check out her website and you'll find your constructive anger and determination. Not today or tomorrow, not next week, but you will if you keep working at finding your strength.

Hen2018 · 27/06/2021 19:10

I don’t know what to say apart from I am thinking about you.

I felt devastated when a partner left me (this was years ago but somehow the break up that hurt me the most). I actually had chest pains for a fortnight. If it’s any consolation, nothing horrible happened to me physically, it was just incredibly upsetting, so i understand you feeling breathless.

Giraffe11 · 27/06/2021 19:12

I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. But please, do try and talk to someone IRL. Tell your mum, it doesn’t matter if she knows him, or they go way back. I know you say you are a private person, but there are times when you need support and this is one of them x

Original poster
zgirldreamsoftulum · 27/06/2021 19:25

Hen2018 I'm so sorry you went through this too. I feel physically broken. Like someone's punched me in the gut. When he got home I came out as couldn't bear to look at him but and soon I have to go home but don't feel I can face him or the children. I don't have the energy to speak to him anymore. But I can't pretend things are normal. I'm just so hurt.

OP posts:
koalaroobear · 27/06/2021 19:32

Sending a hug x

Whydidimarryhim · 27/06/2021 19:35

So sorry this is happening to you.
It’s painful but I think he may have someone else.
It’s not fair on you for him to stay. Could you tell him he needs to move out. It’s painful I know. 💐

66babe · 27/06/2021 19:36

What does he want to happen next @zgirldreamsoftulum ?

vivainsomnia · 27/06/2021 19:37

Sending you a hug too. Nothing much that we can say to make it better. Being told your marriage is over because the love isn't there, out if the blue, when you still love them deeply is devastating.

Despite being of no comfort right now, the pain will get better with time. It always does.

Original poster
zgirldreamsoftulum · 27/06/2021 19:41

66babe he said he'd like us to do counselling but was at pains to say he isn't sure it'll work. I'm frustrated as I feel we should have had counselling much earlier but it's been very difficult as for most of the pandemic we haven't had the childcare to be able to do it. No indication he plans to move out.

OP posts:
66babe · 27/06/2021 19:51

Going for counselling is an excellent idea .. please take up this offer for both of you
It will help you both to explore the feelings and anxieties you have
I think we underestimate the affect of this Pandemic on us all , who knows what's round the corner for us all .. it's been an awful times hasn't it ?

2lipsinamsterdam · 27/06/2021 19:53

@zgirldreamsoftulum

66babe No one I can talk to. He's my best (and only) friend.
When I told my counselor the same thing she said that my ex was my only friend because he had isolated me from friends and family for years. Contact The Samaritans, they won't judge you but they will listen, also have a word with your GP too. Talking about what's happened to you and how you feel will help you enormously. Flowers
Dillydollydingdong · 27/06/2021 20:04

I know it's very early days and you're obviously devastated, but can I suggest you try hard not to fall apart in front of him? That just makes the partner feel guilty and uncomfortable, and want to get away. What you need is to look smart and together, so that he can see what he's missing. Hairdresser, makeup, maybe new clothes - good luck OP. Be kind to yourself.

faithfulbird20 · 27/06/2021 20:05

Why does he matter so much? Why does his opinion matter? He's just a guy. There's plenty of men out there.

faithfulbird20 · 27/06/2021 20:09

He cheated on you. I'm sure he's done it again. He sounds horrible and pathetic. You're just used to him that's why you feel sad. There are stages of love and separation and you'll naturally get past each stage. I can't remember what it is but shock is first and it ends with you back on your feet happy as Larry getting over him. Please don't worry there's more to the story then it seems from his side. Maybe he's found someone else. Tell him you don't love him either.

Londontown12 · 27/06/2021 20:14

@honkytonkheroe that’s absolutely the best advise I’ve seen on here !!
Lots of love to u op I hope u be ok xx

Notnastypasty · 27/06/2021 20:14

Just wanted to say I’ve been here. It’s truly awful, I went into actual shock and struggled to even sleep, eat or drink for a week. I couldn’t see how I would ever be ok with it or feel better.

But here I am 6 years on happier than ever. I’m happily single and he’s married again with more children. However bad it seems now, you will get through it and you will be ok Flowers