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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH doesn't love me anymore. Feel like I want to die

173 replies

zgirldreamsoftulum · 27/06/2021 16:42

That's it really. Can't go on like this. I'm so sad. Been crying all afternoon in front of the kids. I'm so sad. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Hiphopboppertybop99 · 27/06/2021 20:22

I don't have any other advice than what PPs have said, but didn't want to read and run. How are you now OP? How are your kids?
Sending Flowers

Classicbrunette · 27/06/2021 20:39

It’s so sad zgirl, I’ve been through it too. But stay strong and see a solicitor because there’s no going back from this. I can promise you’ll come through this stronger than ever. He owes you big time, so delve in and know what savings and pensions there are so you are informed. If the children are under 18 you should keep the house. Don’t leave the home and stay somewhere else.

Post on here as there are those who can advise you every step of the way. Stay strong 💐

Loveandlust · 27/06/2021 21:03

@Dillydollydingdong I'm not sure that hiding her feelings in order to prevent her partner from feeling guilty is a great idea. Why tiptoe around him when he hasn't taken much consideration of her feelings? She's allowed to be hurt by what he has said/done and there is absolutely no shame in feeling the way she does. She shouldn't need to hide that from anyone. Hair, makeup and new clothes are very superficial and if that's all he needs to be tempted back to the relationship the. It won't last long if that's all its based on. Gosh if he wants to 'get away' because she's falling apart at the breakdown of their relationship then that says a lot more about his character than hers. What kind of partner wouldn't want to support their other half when they are down? A crap one.

HmmmmmmInteresting · 27/06/2021 21:12

My thoughts are

He's probably cheating again.

Counselling is a good idea, but for you, not couples counselling. He's already said he doesn't think it will work, which means he doesn't want it to- don't put yourself through that.

Discuss the arrangements with the kids asap. Tell him it's 50/50 because you need to work now you're going to be single if you don't already. Men seem to think leaving means leaving you AND the kids. Er, no, mate. We both made them.

I agree with PP who said don't fall apart in front of him. Try and seem together and getting on with your life. I don't say this as a ploy to get him back (although it does often make them realise what they're missing when they expected you to fall apart because they know you so well- you seem like a new person) but because faking it til you make it is a thing and in years to come when you are over him you will be so glad you kept your dignity. Fuck him Angry

CorianderBee · 27/06/2021 21:21

I have so much sympathy for you OP. Please talk to your mum. It doesn't matter if she's known him for ages, you're her child and he's hurt you.

Original poster
zgirldreamsoftulum · 27/06/2021 21:24

Notnastypasty and 2lips I'm so sorry this has happened to you too. hiphopbopperty, thank you! I got home and the kids were bathed and in bed. They were pleased to see me. Older DC asked me again what was wrong. DH's said sorry for hurting me. He hasn't unsaid any of the things he said but he knows he's hurt me. I just can't bear to be near him. Am in the bathroom with the door locked. Going to try to go to bed early.

OP posts:
Original poster
zgirldreamsoftulum · 27/06/2021 21:25

Corianderbee I just don't want my mum to interfere. And TBH I don't want her to know in case we stay together

OP posts:
Hiphopboppertybop99 · 27/06/2021 21:50

Glad your children were ok OP. I can understand you not wanting to be near your husband this evening. I hope you can try and get some sleep and do second PPs advice in speaking with your GP and / or samaritans about how you are feeling and what's happening if you don't have anyone IRL. If your husband is adamant on separation they will help you deal with it. Flowers

Classicbrunette · 27/06/2021 21:57

If it were me I’d be speaking to him on a needs only basis from now on !
Are you going to send him to sleep on the sofa ? I would.

MrsMaizel · 27/06/2021 21:58

You won't believe us but you will get over this ! You have had the carpet pulled from under your feet and you are trying to catch up . Physically you will feel awful and for a long time too ( sorry but I won't lie) . You have a long road ahead of you but you will get there . In time you will be glad that he has gone . Someone told me this at the time and I didn't believe them either .

mrssmith45 · 27/06/2021 22:00

I'm so sorry to hear this OP. My dp left me about 6 months ago. The past few months we have been seeing each other a bit and he stayed over last wknd. Last night I found out he was with someone else. I have been a complete mess today and feel your pain. I am going to call my gp tomorrow as I don't feel like I can carry on any longer. It's awful. Please get in touch with your gp if you are having thoughts like this. I know in my heart I'm better off without him even though I love him so very much but it doesn't make it any easier I'm afraid. Take care of yourself x

66babe · 27/06/2021 22:05

So sorry @mrssmith45
That must be awful for you too
Take care 💐

Original poster
zgirldreamsoftulum · 27/06/2021 22:09

mrssmith I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

OP posts:
mrssmith45 · 27/06/2021 22:09

@66babe thank you. I have never felt heartbreak like this before. I have no idea how I'm going to even start getting over this. I just want to fast forward time and all be ok x

66babe · 27/06/2021 22:11

I get that .. unfortunately it won't be like that
Just take each day as it comes and be kind to yourselves , both of you

mrssmith45 · 27/06/2021 22:12

@zgirldreamsoftulum it is just an awful situation to be in. I hung on for months hoping we could make it work and now I feel so much worse. I think I would be over if by now if I had moved on with my life back then. I obviously don't know what your dh is thinking/feeling but I would say you have to put yourself and your dc first. If he says he doesn't love you I don't know if you can come back from this. It's so hard and I know how you feel, all you want is them x

Original poster
zgirldreamsoftulum · 27/06/2021 22:20

@mrssmith45 I'm so sorry. I feel like my DH is almost pushing me to do something first. He's seemed unsure about us for more than a year, been depressed, irritable, unkind (but we all have a bit - it's been a tough period). Then today just came out with it. Yet he's still here. I just don't know what to do. I love him. I love our kids. I've built a life around us and I have nothing else. I've asked him what he wants and he can't even tell me.

OP posts:
mrssmith45 · 27/06/2021 22:25

@zgirldreamsoftulum before he left I went through months of him telling me he wasn't sure what he wanted but he knew he loved me. Even though he left 6 months ago he still hasn't taken his stuff which made me feel like he would come back. It's awful. He totally messed with my head. I wish there was something I could say to make it better x

RiverSkater · 27/06/2021 22:32

Empathising her too, the physical pain is as real as the emotional.

Can you ask him to leave. To give you space? Saying that to you and still being in the house and fudging around what he wants is frankly cruel.
Can you be together enough to say to him, please go, as painful as it will be?

Italiangreyhound · 27/06/2021 22:33

zgirldreamsoftulum I am so sorry, this must be so hard.

Please, please look after yourself, eat if you can, sleep when you can. Try and look after yourself.

Thinking of you.Thanks

1AngelicFruitCake · 27/06/2021 22:36

Take care of yourself, you’ve had a terrible shock. Do everything you can to stop yourself falling apart in front of your children, that is a lot for children to have to deal with.

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 27/06/2021 22:39

It’s interesting that you say you feel he is almost pushing you to act first... that’s a classic move from someone having or just about to have an affair, he wants to clear the field but doesn’t want to be the bad guy and wants it to be mutual and consensual.
I don’t know - he’s putting you through a lot here. Can you ask him to leave to get some space?

Original poster
zgirldreamsoftulum · 27/06/2021 22:40

@1AngelicFruitCake my kids watched me crack up a bit this afternoon. I really don't feel proud of it but I lost it a bit. One of them is at home as there was a Covid case in the school bubble so won't have space from then tomorrow either. @Riverskater I don't want to ask him to go. But I'm feeling a bit tortured by it.

OP posts:
WinterSunglasses · 27/06/2021 22:44

@zgirldreamsoftulum

66babe he said he'd like us to do counselling but was at pains to say he isn't sure it'll work. I'm frustrated as I feel we should have had counselling much earlier but it's been very difficult as for most of the pandemic we haven't had the childcare to be able to do it. No indication he plans to move out.
Make a list of practical questions, like how he wants to approach finding another place to live, how to divide up time with the kids so you each do 50/50. I know you'll be dying inside to even think of it, but when you raise these things, it makes them realise they will still have responsibilities and they can't expect a magically better, carefree life.

@honkytonkheroe's post is spot on. Read this and aim for this. I know it's tough. I also second the chumplady.com site which has many stories of people going through this hellish experience but coming out better off in the end. And get yourself a counsellor, just for you, so you can talk about your life to someone who's just focused on you.

PeridotPenelope · 27/06/2021 22:47

I’m so sorry you are in this position.

Just take each hour, each minute, at a time.

You aren’t alone and you absolutely will be happy again.

Do small things to look after yourself. A cup of tea, a biscuit, a TV programme or film, applying a lovely scented body moisturiser... Small things make a difference.

Flowers for you and sending you much strength. You will get through this.