DH doesn't love me anymore. Feel like I want to die

[zgirldreamsoftulum]

That's it really. Can't go on like this. I'm so sad. Been crying all afternoon in front of the kids. I'm so sad. I don't know what to do.

I can only urge you look at Chumplady as a previous poster has advised. At the moment, it feels like you have no power in this but you do. Take control, don't let him dictate what happens when.

While it will hurt, you will feel better if you feel like you have some agency over your life.

How are you OP?♥️

@SMITH92 thanks for asking. I called in sick today and spent the morning in bed crying. DH was kind and did all the homeschool stuff with the child who is isolating. We talked this afternoon. He apologised for hurting my feelings. He said he doesn't want to just throw away all the great things we have but he feels really unhappy and like something has to change and wants to talk about it. He still loves me but feels as though there's no passion left. He can't imagine another 20 years like this. We've contacted some counsellors. Big challenge will be finding time between work and kids (one who is self- isolating). I feel exhausted. But a bit better than yesterday. We can't resolve it overnight and life has to go on in the meantime. I really appreciate all the kind (and firm) words on this thread. It's helped me feel a bit less alone.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you but prioritising someone who has treated you like an option, never ends well. He was might have been your bf but you weren’t his. I suggest you prioritise solo counselling ASAP, so you have the space to work through this without him pushing his agenda. Prioritising your mh, is how you prioritise your kids.

The pick me dance is never a good look and only hurts you in the long run.

@zgirldreamsoftulum
Please heed what @AgentJohnson and others said. We've been there; we are trying to help you!

You have to take charge of your own life instead of letting him mess you around like this.
Rip the plaster off, otherwise your pain will wear you out slowly but surely, and eventually you'll lose your self respect.
I'm sure counselling will help you, but it has to be on your own.

If he does talk you into going to counselling together, make 100% sure you get to go firdt and explore your feelings about him in depth!

But I really, really wouldn't go with him: not until you've had some sessions alone to work out where you're coming from and what you want from the relationship. How could it ever be helpful to have to sit and listen to him explain to a stranger that he doesn't feel any passion for you?!

I'm so sorry OP.

I'm a month on from this exact conversation and my husband moving out after 20 years together. He also suggested couples counselling, to 'help us understand what we both want and need'. We went, and he knew before we went in that he was going to use the session to end the marriage. Get a counsellor, but just for you. Don't indulge him in this.

The last 4 weeks have been an absolute rollercoaster with some seriously dark moments, but I am a little bit stronger every day.

Look after yourself, and your kids. One day, hour, minute at a time.

Oh @Mrsnippycat I'm so sorry to hear that. Hope you're okay. Your post makes me feel quite afraid to be honest.

Oh gosh I'm sorry, that wasn't my intention at all.

I was absolutely terrified at first. This will pass. The strength is in there but you're still in shock at what's happened and the lack of clarity of not really knowing his intentions.

You can do this, whatever the outcome. You can.

@Mrsnippycat thanks for posting your experience. I'm so sorry it's been so difficult. I really hope counselling might help in my case, but perhaps I'm being naively optimistic. After 20 years and for the person I love most in the world aside from my children I feel like it has to be worth a try. But I hear you. And I'm
scared of it hurting. I really love him and want to grow old with him.

To be honest if he was unfaithful 18 months ago I'd have ended it then
Prolonging the agony and trying to forgive is almost a go ahead to do it again
I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation but I think you know the outcome here - end it yourself and take control
Sending big hugs 🤗

[quote zgirldreamsoftulum]@Mrsnippycat thanks for posting your experience. I'm so sorry it's been so difficult. I really hope counselling might help in my case, but perhaps I'm being naively optimistic. After 20 years and for the person I love most in the world aside from my children I feel like it has to be worth a try. But I hear you. And I'm
scared of it hurting. I really love him and want to grow old with him. [/quote]
At this early stage you still want to keep him regardless of any shit that has gone on and yes you will be scared of a future without him in it . It's only natural . We've all been there . However don't become a begging puppy who will do whatever he wants . Hopefully you will eventually think - WTF I don't deserve this !

@zgirldreamsoftulum

I understand after 20 years you really love him bit unfortunately if he's slept with someone else I doubt he really loves you especially if he's "keeping an open mind"
Why would you want to grow old with that - ask yourself that

Please be kind to yourself and end it you deserve better

@zgirldreamsoftulum how are you feeling today? I managed to get an appointment with my gp today and he has given me some mild sleeping tablets and antidepressants. I was so against it at first but I don't know what else to do. He has also referred me to a councillor which may take a while but just taking that step has made me feel a bit more positive. Have you spoken to your dh today?

I completely understand you still wanting to try. I did too, in spite of everything he said that told me otherwise. We were together 20 years too, you do desperately want to keep hold of that, and the vision you had of the future.

What would you advise a friend in your situation?

@motogogo

My exh told me he didn't love me years ago, I clung on, trust me it's not worth it, they do not change. My situation was similar in that I had a sn child and couldn't imagine going it alone. Despite being happy now, there's a bit of me that thinks I have missed out on so much, including potentially more children - rationally I couldn't have met dp earlier because he too was in a long marriage hanging in but I wistfully wonder...,

Do not rush, but use this as a line in the sand to think about you and your future happiness

Mine said he thought he didn't love me anymore. Refused to talk about it. I tried to pretend nothing was wrong. Broke me. Another saying clinging on isn't worth it. It will eat away at you. All 3 of our DS have SEN. I wish I'd left when he said it. Getting my ducks in a row now, 2 very tough years later.

@mrssmith45 I'm glad to hear your GP was helpful. Hope you get the counselling soon and that you're okay.
I cried all morning but I spoke to DH this afternoon. It's pretty bad. But we've agreed to have counselling. He's been really quiet and distant.

@Mrsnippycat I think I'd advise a friend to try counselling to try to work things out. What would you advise? Would you have done things differently?

@LunaAndHer3Stars I'm so sorry to hear it's been so tough. I think I've been pretending for a while too.

I don't think I regret trying - it's natural to want to save something so special after such a long time. That said, I do think I could have spared myself some pain by listening to what he wasn't saying, rather than what he did say - plus of course adding my own positive spin on that. The brutal honestly that came out of that counselling session was hard to take after convincing myself it could be a magic bullet and we would be fine again.

Remember, he has been feeling and thinking like this for a while and you are now playing catch up.

@Mrsnippycat thank you

I get why you want to try counselling. I'd recommend setting some boundaries to protect yourself. Like giving it maximum of X amount of time and if things haven't improved a lot by a specific date, give yourself permission to say enough. Start to gather what you need for seperation, just in case. Don't let him pile the blame on you. Dh gaslit me and I ended up agreeing to try harder. He made it feel like everything was my fault. He made me feel worthless. If he starts doing these things then he's not trying to fix your marriage and he's not worth waiting around for, hoping everything gets better, while he treats you badly.

[quote zgirldreamsoftulum]@NewlyGranny it really hurts that he wants counselling to explore our feelings but was so adamant that it doesn't mean he's committed to staying together. It makes me think he's really considering not being together. I feel as though he's halfway to giving up before we've even tried [/quote]
I think you have to be open to the fact that he is seriously considering not being together. It is the the most gut wrenching thing, but burying your head in the sand is not going to serve any purpose.

This train is in motion. And it only needs one person to decide the outcome of a relationship. That doesn't mean things are necessarily going to end, but you have to get on board with where your husband is at (and I don't mean you have to acquiesce to anything, but you have to hear what he is saying and recognise any one person in a relationships gets to determine what is working for them and when they consider they can't make things work any more.)

So to that extent I think you do have to try the counselling. It may be that you are at an impasse and things just aren't working any more - I think you mentioned that your husband had said something about passion - is your sex life something that needs addressing?

Obviously there could also be someone else in the picture somewhere. Have you asked him about this? That takes some strength too. But whatever the situation is I would hope that the counselling could give you some understanding and control over the situation.

I'm so sorry to hear this. Similar has happened to me a few years ago. Go and see your GP and don't be afraid to accept pharmaceutical help to help you make good decisions. And go and see a counselor on your own to help you make good choices for you. I really don't suggest engaging in counseling with your H. He is likely to lead you a right merry old dance. See if there is anyone who you can reach out to. They may not be a friend now but people will still want to help you - I promise.

You are just going to torture yourself by going through this counselling with him in the house.

If he doesn't think he wants this anymore tell
Him to put his money where his mouth is and get out. He needs to see how green the grass is on the other side (not very green). Right now he's able to break your heart and stay in his nice comfortable house with his kids like nothing has changed? and meanwhile you're crushed and looking for any small sign he's changed his mind?

Tell him to leave, and start to process it's over. If the counselling works then fine but when it doesn't you'll be x number of months further down the line to feeling normal again.

Put you and the kids first. Even if you don't believe you want him to leave, put on a brave face, get him out, and cry behind a closed door when he's gone. And tell your mum!!

All the best to you xx