DH doesn't love me anymore. Feel like I want to die

[zgirldreamsoftulum]

That's it really. Can't go on like this. I'm so sad. Been crying all afternoon in front of the kids. I'm so sad. I don't know what to do.

Ah op I have been through this . What exactly did he say ? Mine used to emotionally abuse me by saying it . I was in hell of a mess . Hated myself went to the doctors crying saying I was too ugly and wanted to change certain things about myself . Turns out he just fancied saying it !

Do you go to church? There are all kinds of support in church (any denominations will do) Do you have a bible? "When you bow down before the Lord and admit your dependence on him, he will lift you up and give you honour." James 4:10

@suggestionsplease1 I think he absolutely is contemplating separation. He's been hanging in here for the kids and because he thinks it's the right thing to do but he doesn't think of me romantically anymore. So the counselling will be to try to work things out amicably and practically. I'm heartbroken. I think he is too.

@zgirldreamsoftulum

No RL support. No one I can tell. My head is pounding, chest is tight and feel breathless. He's saying he wants counselling but not so we can stay together but with an 'open mind'. He was unfaithful 18 months ago. We had counselling then but it was awful so we ditched it. I wanted to try again with a new counsellor but he didn't. He's been very depressed and lost a lot of work. We have a child with SEN. The last 18 months at times it's been unbearable and we've really struggled as a family. But today for the first time he said he doesn't love me like he used to and he isn't attracted to me any more. I feel like I've had the stuffing knocked out of me. He's gone out this afternoon and I've just been crying all afternoon in front of the kids. They're clearly really upset and confused but I can't pull myself together. I don't know what to do. I've nothing left.

I'm so sorry, he's been emotionally abusing you for a long time by the sounds of it. OP, being in the eye of the storm with him there, it's making it so much worse on you and extending the pain massively. Is there a way you can get him & his stuff out of the house so you have time & space to process, & space away from him & his constant emotional turmoil which must be torture right now? You'll feel a lot of relief to be away from all of that I think, & you'll feel a lot better very quickly if you get that space to think. I'm really sorry you're going through this.

You have to understand op that he is manipulating you.

His words and actions have you in turmoil and you feel you are loosing control.
What do you think is happening?...

Do you think he is seeing someone
Do you think he could be pining for someone.
Is he trying to control the relationship because you have pulled away since his betrayal 18 months ago.
Is he threatening splitting up to just put the fear of God into you so he is able to live his life question free from his actions.
Is he wanting to split for someone else or just to be single.

Horrible questions but questions that must be whirling through your head. It sounds as though he is not actually giving you any real resons for the marriage to end and that must be confusing and cruel.

To have you permanantly on edge wondering what will happen next.
To feel your future lies in the hands of this heartless man is soul destroying.
You are not strong enough for couples councelling at the moment, he will manipulate the narrative, he is the one who is confusing you, turning you into a wreck not knowing which way to turn.

Ask yourself, why is he wanting to destroy you as a person because that's what he is doing.
To me it sounds as though he wants to mess you arround for a while whist he plays away or test the waters elsewhere but keeping you terrified in the background so will accept him back at any cost if needs be.
He doesn't want to help you with councelling, it is only to confuse you further and make you appear unhinged to a profesional person thereby bolstering his abuse.

I think he is playing a game with you, don't fall for it op, you will get through this, his actions now, will in the future be crystal clear to you and you will wish you had been more decisive.

Easier said than done, but whatever his motives are, you will not forget this time, he has been a cruel, unkind partner and he knows it.

You are worth more than this, you are worth more than him, talk to others in RL, do not put your trust in him anymore.

If he goes, see a solicitor, if you kick him out, see a solicitor.
Ball rolling action, I think he is trying to keep you in a permanant state of limbo at the moment and that's for a reason.
x

I'm sorry op, it sounds like he has already made his mind up and is trying to soften the impact for you, which ultimately will just drag things out and prolong you recovering and moving on.

My ex dh told me he didn't know if he loved my anymore and i spend a few weeks in such a state, wondering why, what had I done, could we fix things...
Then I discovered he was having an affair and it made things a lot easier in a way. I packed his bag and began to move on with my life.

4.5 years later I still mourn the end of my marriage but glad I'm not where I was in those initial few weeks.

You poor thing, it's really hard.

One thing that might help you both - start to visualise what life would look like on your own. Work out a plan - who would move out, how you pay the mortgage/rent, would you be entitled to any benefits as a single parent, whether either of you would need to work more/less/different pattern etc. If you never need to use it, it won't matter that you've thought about it, and if you do, then you've already worked out some of the practicalities. It will help you with feelings of panic about the future if you have some idea of what life would be like.

You can do this with him or on your own - there are pros and cons of both options, tbh! But start off as a thought experiment only.

Oh @zgirldreamsoftulum sending you so much love. I'm in the middle of a marriage breakdown too. I felt so much lighter once I took control of the situation. That's not to say I haven't sobbed in the car/to my boss/to my mum but having a plan helped.
Here's what I did:

1. Speak to the GP. Something for the anxiety or to help you sleep can be invaluable. In my area we can self refer for therapy also.
2. Speak to a good divorce lawyer. They can be bloody expensive but you can arrange a litigation loan if needs be, to be paid off once there is a financial settlement.
3. Tell your husband that you will expect him to have the children 50:50 and to that end you will both need somewhere to live that accommodates them, and is close to school etc. Show him some properties on Rightmove.

I can almost guarantee this will shock him. He has NOT been thinking about the cold hard realities.

1. Talk to someone. I have been astonished how supportive people are - even colleagues or school mums who I don't know that well.
2. Try to picture yourself in 2 years time. Where will you be living, what will you be doing? Working PT? Taking up mountain biking? Give yourself a positive future to look forward to.

I know you're in bits but you WILL feel better. Keep posting on MN too, there is tons of support.
Hang in there

@DearTeddyRobinson thank you for your advice. Do you have children? How did you tell them? What did you tell them? I don't think I can do this.

Hi @zgirldreamsoftulum yes we have kids. We haven't told them yet which i think is a mistake. They've picked up on the tension and have been quite unsettled and unhappy. We are going to sell it to them that they will have 2 happy homes, and honestly I'm seriously considering getting a dog. They're desperate for one and I think it will be therapeutic for them.
How old are your DCs?

@DearTeddyRobinson they're in year 1 and year 6. I think they'll be very unsettled by it. DH and I need to sort things out first but frankly I feel like making him tell them.

He gets to tell the kids. That’s on him. OP, you need to see a solicitor, have you got a job? Your thoughts shouldn’t be on this man, but on how your life will be in future.

I would let the school know too. They might be able to give some support. I think it's right that your DH does the heavy lifting but it's important the kids think that you will both be happy, rather than worrying about mummy being sad/daddy leaving you & them. It's enough disruption in their little lives. But equally don't doubt your own ability to comfort and guide them through this.

I could be totally wrong here but is it the case that he's not feeling passion, rather than not loving you? Is this basically what he's said - that he can't imagine a future without feeling passion?
Can you think of anyone who could sit him down and have a chat with him about this, because the waxing and waning of passion within a marriage is a totally normal thing! Does he not know this?!

It’s clearly more than that Dawn , the bloke is a cheater, and he wants out of the marriage he broke. He’s been pretty clear.

@Onthedunes

You have to understand op that he is manipulating you.

His words and actions have you in turmoil and you feel you are loosing control.
What do you think is happening?...

Do you think he is seeing someone
Do you think he could be pining for someone.
Is he trying to control the relationship because you have pulled away since his betrayal 18 months ago.
Is he threatening splitting up to just put the fear of God into you so he is able to live his life question free from his actions.
Is he wanting to split for someone else or just to be single.

Horrible questions but questions that must be whirling through your head. It sounds as though he is not actually giving you any real resons for the marriage to end and that must be confusing and cruel.

To have you permanantly on edge wondering what will happen next.
To feel your future lies in the hands of this heartless man is soul destroying.
You are not strong enough for couples councelling at the moment, he will manipulate the narrative, he is the one who is confusing you, turning you into a wreck not knowing which way to turn.

Ask yourself, why is he wanting to destroy you as a person because that's what he is doing.
To me it sounds as though he wants to mess you arround for a while whist he plays away or test the waters elsewhere but keeping you terrified in the background so will accept him back at any cost if needs be.
He doesn't want to help you with councelling, it is only to confuse you further and make you appear unhinged to a profesional person thereby bolstering his abuse.

I think he is playing a game with you, don't fall for it op, you will get through this, his actions now, will in the future be crystal clear to you and you will wish you had been more decisive.

Easier said than done, but whatever his motives are, you will not forget this time, he has been a cruel, unkind partner and he knows it.

You are worth more than this, you are worth more than him, talk to others in RL, do not put your trust in him anymore.

If he goes, see a solicitor, if you kick him out, see a solicitor.
Ball rolling action, I think he is trying to keep you in a permanant state of limbo at the moment and that's for a reason.
x

All of this

[quote mrssmith45]@zgirldreamsoftulum before he left I went through months of him telling me he wasn't sure what he wanted but he knew he loved me. Even though he left 6 months ago he still hasn't taken his stuff which made me feel like he would come back. It's awful. He totally messed with my head. I wish there was something I could say to make it better x[/quote]
I'm so sorry mrssmith he's been very unkind by keeping his options open. He doesn't want you but he doesn't want you to move on. I know it's hard but it's probably best for you to make the first step.

OP it doesn't sound like he really sees a future with you. I second seeing an individual counsellor to help you to reach some kind of acceptance and build a new life without him.

Thanks everyone. I had a counselling session today. Feeling calmer. Still very sad but a bit better. I really appreciate everyone having taken the time to post.

So pleased to hear that counseling has helped. Keep on going! I am amazed at how closely these men stick to the script. "Oh I'm so unhappy. Oh it's all your fault. Oh I'm going to maintain power and control for as long as I can. Oh actually all of this is down the fact I fancy sleeping with someone else"
Once I saw this with my ex I cut him off at the knees by saying 'ok. When are you leaving? I want a date in the next fortnight' and then tell him to make plans to sleep in another part of the house or outside in the car until then. I made the mistake of not being clear about this and there he was comfy in bed every night. I took to sleeping at work on the floor of my classroom, going back to the house at 6 to be there when the kids woke up. And you know, he couldn't have seemed to care less about where I was sleeping and why I couldn't stand to be in the same space as him. Never said a word. I know you consider him to be your best friend but it's likely that man has gone and he needs to see your game face.

Fuck then why do they always have to say they don't find you attractive any more? It's so cruel and unnecessary. Really feel for you Op xx

@zgirldreamsoftulum

How are you doing?

@zgirldreamsoftulum
Just leaving these for you 💐❤

I cried all morning but I spoke to DH this afternoon. It's pretty bad. But we've agreed to have counselling. He's been really quiet and distant.

@zgirldreamsoftulum - I hope you are heeding the advice you have had. I hope you'll find the strength to focus on your own needs.

It's over as far as he is concerned. Right now he is just trying assuage his guilt and try to keep you calm as he doesn't want to deal with a huge blowout.

Keep going to your individual counselling sessions, but tell him to move out. Him being with you but not WITH you is just an ongoing torture for you. Once he is gone you'll be able to see clearer.

I'd also add that your counselling should focus on the future rather than the past. Your counsellor ought to help you develop strategies for enhancing your emotional strength and self esteem, rather than going over the minutiae of your relationship and over-analyzing stuff he's done and things you could have done.

Thanks. @Mrsnippycat I'm okay but not iykwim. We had an initial session of couples counselling. Was painful for me. He felt like a weight had lifted. I'm thinking of asking for time off work to focus on my personal life.

You won't be ok going to couples councelling.

You are sat there with a rational 3rd person and him, he is wanting a totally different thing from these sessions, he wishes to assauge his guilt, you want to make him understand how much he is hurting you.

The greatest councillor on earth could not help you both in that situation and with him being more rational than you at the moment, gives him a distinct advantage at coming across as more reasonable.

I know you probably feel it may give him a light bulb moment and come to his senses, but it won't. He is on a selfish path at the moment and that will not end until the fat lady sings.

All of this is very manipulative and will make you ill.
You really need to detatch from him, he cannot help you, you musn't place any trust in him.

You will be ok, you will get through this, it's extremely hard when a loving partner suddenly changes acting roles and becomes the enemy, it takes a while to get your head round the new dynamic.

But you must at the moment try, and I know it's so hard to be as hard as possible, treat him as a stranger try not to show you're upset in front of him.

They feed off this and I believe it makes many of them even more cruel in their treatment of you. He's a bastard at the moment so treat him like one.

Solo councelling in future, the couples councelling will just feel like you have been kicked in the stomach every time.
Many of us have been there.