DH doesn't love me anymore. Feel like I want to die

[zgirldreamsoftulum]

That's it really. Can't go on like this. I'm so sad. Been crying all afternoon in front of the kids. I'm so sad. I don't know what to do.

I had this happen with an ex and I was given the don’t let him see you cry speech because if you do want him back, what is going to tempt him back more, a crying, emotional mess or someone is together and strong. We weren’t together long, but I did follow the advice as I was in love, I went to the hairdresser, got new clothes and as we worked near to each other, I knew he would see me, I also made plans and started an exercise class. He did admit he had made a mistake but I realised he wasn’t worth it.

I think now might be a time to give yourself a mini life makeover, get a schedule sorted out so you can have some me time to go for long walks, run, gym or phone up an old friend, go to a class or anything new and different.

Give yourself time to heal and do self care things, you won’t heal overnight and you will still be in shock, but it will start the process x

I'm a very private person. And I've always been closer to him than anyone

I learned that being a ‘private person’ was affecting my mental health - in a bad way. Learn to reach out. Take baby steps but honestly, try to reach out to people. I had the whole ‘ex is my best friend’ thing too and I cried reading your post as I get that … but I’m sorry to say it’s not healthy. This might be your time to work on your life outside of him. Not today or tomorrow I know but start sowing the seeds and you may well be amazed who is out there waiting for you.

P.S. I think you’d be playing a dangerous game trying to show him what he’s missing etc. You’re in a very vulnerable place right now and you’re best to be authentic. Pick up the phone to a friend or a mental health service. Ring the GP. Take what they prescribe.

Please remember:

You are valuable. Your life is valuable. You matter. He’s one person of the billions in the world.

It sounds complicated and after 20 years it must be painful.

You must be reeling with his words and are in shock, so first things first, try to eat, drink and rest as much as possible.
He has given you this information yet you say he is not leaving. Is he saying these things to hurt you as you have not forgiven him for the one night stand because that is cruel.

I would be asking him calmly, ok you say you no longer love me and do not find me attractive so what are you going to do?
You have a right to know his plans and intentions. Whatever his reasons you do need to remind him of his parental obligations, where will you live, how will you work when you have the children 50% of the time, all reasonable questions that will bring him back to reality.
You are thinking of the worst, yet you do have power in all of this, you just don't see it yet.
You have put all your eggs into one basket trusting him as your best friend and confidant and he maybe exploiting that.
Forget trying to bend over backwards to make him stay or appease him if he doesn't, he sounds manipulative and someone who has taken your confidence.
You will become stronger.
Keep posting, you will get good advice on his exploitative ways.

I'm so sorry.

But as someone said up-thread, you need to get angry. You need to stop looking at him through those rose-tinted glasses. This guy cheated on you and has opted out of the life you created together!
Write a list of all the bad things about him, because at times like this we tend only to remember the good, so everytime you miss him, get out your list and remind yourself of all the bad things too. You going to have to fight your way through this, and you will. Do it for your children and do it for you - I promise you'll be okay, like millions of women before you and no doubt millions of women after.

Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry. I can feel your pain and hurt from your posts. Sending and a promise that it won’t stay this bad. In the meantime keep talking with us. Mumsnet is great for private people who need a friendly ear and a kind word xxx

Honestly, don't let him be 'all unsure' in your home. Tell him to piss off for goodness sake.

He was shagging around in the not so distant past and now he doesn't love you anymore. But he's giving no signs he wants to move out? Only because it doesn't suit him just yet

Please - stop breaking down in front of your kids and find some of your self respect and fight. Where is your anger here? He's shagged someone else that you know of ( probably others) and you're letting him run the show.

I know this stuff is really horrible and tough to go through. But don't try and cling on to a man who's making it clear he doesn't want to be clung on to.

Tell him to stay elsewhere for now and consult a solicitor. To do anything else is to prolong the agony for yourself

Counselling is a great idea, OP, but not as a couple. I'd tell him you'll go to counselling by yourself as there's no point going together unless you are both committed to finding a way through this. It could be awful to go together if he's going to sit there and pour out all his feelings of falling out of live with you and wanting out! You definitely don't need to sit through that.

A good counsellor can help you put yourself back together and go on without this half-hearted man who has stopped appreciating the treasure he won when he secured your love.

When I had marriage problems my counsellor wouldn’t see me on my own. He said he would have to see us together to solve the problem.

I don’t know what to say other than sending you lots of love and hugs OP. What a horrible situation, and 20 years is a very long time!

Good morning OP. Thinking of you.

Thank you @Pulloverjumperorsweater

Thanks everyone for your support

Yes , hugs and nothing but kind wishes from here too 💐💐💐

Op - you need to be your own best friend right now. Your dh is no longer in your side.
You need to ask him to leave.

Sorry you are going through this too.
. I am going through the same thing except my wife definitely has not had an affair. We just have completely different parenting styles and we argue. Said to me that's it I've had enough. Removed her wedding rings etc.
She said she wants to separate but is still living here.
I am absolutely broken as I don't want this to happen. We've been together 24 years.

@Googleboxfan I'm so sorry to hear that. It sounds as though we're in similar situations. DH and I have worked so hard at parenting together and it's been really tough as my younger child has additional needs. We're both exhausted. And it feels as though there's nothing left of us.

@Egghead68

. I expect he has got someone else unfortunately. It’s probably nothing to do with you at all.

I hope you have some real-life support. Be kind to yourself.

You have no idea if he has someone else

@NewlyGranny it really hurts that he wants counselling to explore our feelings but was so adamant that it doesn't mean he's committed to staying together. It makes me think he's really considering not being together. I feel as though he's halfway to giving up before we've even tried

He wants you to end it because he's too cowardly to do it himself. I would bet my bottom dollar there's somebody else in the picture.

In honesty I think you're clinging to a sinking ship and you need to get it together fast and look after your position financially.
You have children depending on you here.

It's horrible isn't it? But I'm living proof that when one door closes another opens. I thought I was on the scrap heap when exh announced his departure, but I'm now living with my partner having more fun, a better relationship, far more loving and attentive. I don't want to think what lockdown would have been like with exh!

You need to get over the shock but then you need to sit down with your h and workout a pathway that protects you and kids, he owes you that much! I have a private settlement not through the courts that means I'm financially independent (fairly high earner) and exh was generous

My exh told me he didn't love me years ago, I clung on, trust me it's not worth it, they do not change. My situation was similar in that I had a sn child and couldn't imagine going it alone. Despite being happy now, there's a bit of me that thinks I have missed out on so much, including potentially more children - rationally I couldn't have met dp earlier because he too was in a long marriage hanging in but I wistfully wonder...,

Do not rush, but use this as a line in the sand to think about you and your future happiness

[quote zgirldreamsoftulum]@NewlyGranny it really hurts that he wants counselling to explore our feelings but was so adamant that it doesn't mean he's committed to staying together. It makes me think he's really considering not being together. I feel as though he's halfway to giving up before we've even tried [/quote]
I think this is the coward's way out . My ex H said the same thing too but it never materialised .

@BatFaceGirly sounds harsh but is absolutely right.
Don't let him muck you about any more.
Even if he stayed, you'd be wondering about next time.

You know you will get past this. You are in shock and grieving.

Change is hard. Even more so when it isn't what you want. Right now just be kind to yourself. Eat and drink when you can.

So many of us have walked this path. And know how utterly devastated you feel.

But right now you need to get through this how ever that looks. The children need you to be ok. So they know things will be fine. If you fall apart they will too.

Call your gp. And organise counselling for you. You need to get through this bit so you can come out the other side.

Get legal advice
Claim any benefits you maybe entitled to
CMS
Contact. Do not let him skip off into his new life without any of the responsibility.

Start packing his stuff. Clear space in the cupboard garage etc and begin to put his belongings together. He wants it this way. So let him see the reality of his decisions.

I'm a few years down the line. And the children and I are the happiest we have ever been. It hasn't been easy to get to this point. But we have got there day by day.