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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Embarrassed to go outside with DP

372 replies

Embarrassedandfedup · 27/06/2021 13:24

I've been with DP for 5 years and we have a 8 week old DC. I've become too embarrassed to go outside with him. He is so rude and confrontational to people for no reason when we are out and makes a big drama out of things and it's embarrassing and I just want the ground to swallow me up when I'm there but now we have our DC and I'm worried about them seeing this behaviour. Some examples:

We went out for breakfast on my birthday, the waitress offered us a seat at a long shared table full of children and parents and I asked if we could have a more private area so I could feed DC, she said that was fine but id need to move the pram to the side. As soon as we sat down DP went on a big rant about how it's obvious she hates children, hates the fact the pram is in her way and then said aggressively "if she says anything I'll be speaking to her manager" and everytime she walked past he would glare at her then shouted "thanks for nothing" when we left later on.

Yesterday in a cafe, a mum and daughter walk infront of me as I'm pushing the pram, they obviously didn't see me and I stop so I don't hit them. DP then snaps "you could say thank you" to them, the daughter looked really uncomfortable when we ended up at the table next to them. Similar things happen if someone walks in front of us or doesn't say thank you when we let them past (usually not on purpose, they've just not noticed) he'll start getting all sarcastic or shout down the street after them, even if they are with their children. He regularly snaps "what are you looking at?" or "Can I help you?" Because he says someone gave him a "dirty look" in the street. He then says it must be because he's overweight and they hate fat people
There's always some farfetched scenario about why that person must hate him.

A group of young girls walked past us the other day and he shouted " what are you looking at you fat ugly gremlins" because he claims they looked me up and down. It's absolutely humiliating and when I ask what the hell he is playing at he says I need to stand up for myself and I'm not assertive enough and acts as if I'm the crazy one for not screaming at people in the street. I keep asking him to please not do this infront of me and DC. He even shouted at someone in the hospital corridor that their shoes were too loud!

We are going out for lunch today with my Dad who he's only met twice and I'm so worried he's going to behave like this infront of him.

Sorry for the long rant I'm just not sure what to do

OP posts:
Ladylokidoki · 27/06/2021 15:50

If it was a personality disorder/tumour/mental break down he would be able to pick and choose the people he yells at.

He also wouldn't be able to reel it in with the op.

Watermelon221 · 27/06/2021 15:52

@LolaSmiles

Women are not rehab centres for emotionally incompetent men I wish this could be pasted at the top of the relationships board.
Should be broadcast loud and clear in every educational establishment too. Get the message out loud and clear from an early age...
Watermelon221 · 27/06/2021 15:53

Oops lots of loud and clears there but you get my point!

Sleepingdogs12 · 27/06/2021 15:53

I'm another one saying please get out and get your baby to safety. He has a short fuse and no awareness or empathy. This combination with a lack of sleep and crying baby is not a good mix and he might snap.

Dontbeme · 27/06/2021 15:53

Take up your mum's offer, she must be horrified to see her daughter going through the same thing she did in her marriage. Be safe OP.

HalzTangz · 27/06/2021 15:55

Contact the landlord,put the tenancy in his name, move in with your mother.
He isn't lively at home, you have already told us he is abusive to you an the baby.

Stop finding excuses to live a miserable life with a nasty man, and go make a happy life without one.

You will meet someone new who isn't nasty and won't embarrass you, and you'll wonder why you stayed so long with the dick you are with

IAmAWomanNotACis · 27/06/2021 15:55

He will only say that shit to people who he has already sussed out are not going to turn around and wallop him., He's cruel, he's not stupid. That's why it's mainly women, men only if they have their children with them and telling an old man that it's not long until he's dead now

Honestly OP I don't know how why you don't just turn around and walk away when he pulls this shit. I strongly encourage you to do that next time - make sure you are driving, go and get in your car and drive you and your daughter straight to your mum's.

I was 20 years old when my "love of my life" boyfriend had a nasty go at his mum for no good reason other than he was drunk and showing off to his girlfriend. We were all walking to the pub for his 21st birthday meal. His dad turned around and took his mum straight home and I stopped in the street and verbally tore a strip off him. To his credit he was immediately apologetic and did his best to make amends - if he had've acted like yours and blamed you/then/minimised it I like to hope that even young and naïve me would have dumped his pathetic ass. There's no way I would have been quiet and carried on as if nothing had happened or as if I was embarrassed - the only thing I then and you now have to be embarrassed about is being associated with such an outright tosser!

As it happens he dumped me a year late r on my 21st birthday . Not before such memoreable events as ssormingo ff and ttryingt o walk home 60 miles home along the M1, because I talked to my new male housemates on a night out...

NotaCoolMum · 27/06/2021 15:57

Ummmm- sorry to say this op but he sounds like an abusive piece of crap.

SunshineCake · 27/06/2021 16:03

Please leave. You have no excuse when your mother has offered you a place. This man is not depressed etc but even if he is he is not a good person and he is not safe around a baby.

Spacecadet58 · 27/06/2021 16:04

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. As an ex mental health professional I do have serious concerns about his mental health, and without intervention is it unlikely to get better. Could you, with maybe some of his family sit down and explain calmly your concerns about his behaviour and ask that he gets help fast with your support.
Some MNs on here are so harsh and unkind, but I presume you do, or did, love this man and given that he was ok until 6 months ago at least support him and get him help. Only after this should you consider leaving. However, if you feel unsafe get out now and get help from afar.
Good luck x

INeedNewShoes · 27/06/2021 16:08

If he is irritated by your tiny helpless baby at 8 weeks old, God help you and the baby when they become a toddler and exhibit behaviour that is genuinely irritating.

Seriously, this does not bode well.

I'd be extremely worried about what the future holds if you stay with a man who is behaving like this now.

He sounds utterly foul.

lalafafa · 27/06/2021 16:09

Don't ever leave your baby alone with him.

Katkinsgreyy · 27/06/2021 16:14

He sounds like a bully. Picking on women, children and elderly men!

What positives does he bring to your life? I feel like nothing could be worth putting up with his nasty behaviour.

Muchmorethan · 27/06/2021 16:14

You leaving may be the wake up call he needs to seek help. ... he may then once again become the man you fell in love with.

However it's NOT your responsibility to make him a well or a nicer person - that's entirely up to him.

The only responsibility you have is to your child...

Leave whilst you can

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 27/06/2021 16:15

He is OK with me, might snap at me to move if I'm in his way sometimes or tell me to stop talking or be quiet but thats about it

No, not OK at all! I’m sorry he’s got problems, but he has no right to take it out on you, much less DD. You’ve grown too used to his bad temper. I had a boyfriend like this once, and the relief after I left him was like being able to breathe again.

Tordub · 27/06/2021 16:19

Anger often stems from anxiety/ control issues, I used to be like this myself and can still be a bit snappy. My dad is also like this and gets into fights with strangers.

I went to CBT and it helped me so much, do you think he’d engage in CBT or is he reluctant to get help?
It sounds like he has low self esteem and thinks everyone’s out to get him. The walking out of the room when baby is crying is ridiculous, and needs to be dealt with, I’d worry about your child when she starts talking, whining and tantrum-ing.

VerticalHorizon · 27/06/2021 16:20

He is OK with me, might snap at me to move if I'm in his way sometimes or tell me to stop talking or be quiet but thats about it

OMG, those things are horrible. There is nothing 'ok' about that in any way whatsoever.

Do you know that it's not normal to be treated or talked to that way?

Sometimes, someone can say something abrupt, or perhaps carelessly (that's normal), but snapping at someone to move? being told to shut up?

Do you have a shotgun, and do you know how to use it? ;-)

wewereliars · 27/06/2021 16:21

Spacecadet58 your advice is irresponsible here. She should leave immediately, she has a volatile aggressive partner and a tiny baby. He has already expressed anger at normal baby behavour FGS.

It's not the OPs job to fix him.

grapewine · 27/06/2021 16:22

He sounds an awful human. I hope he gets smart with the wrong person and gets what's coming to him. Twat.

Get yourself and your daughter away from him.

Dragongirl10 · 27/06/2021 16:28

LTB

lap90 · 27/06/2021 16:30

@Embarrassedandfedup

I'm also expecting that one day he will do this to the wrong person and will get smacked!
Perhaps smack some sense into him.

He sounds vile.

00feckingbollocks · 27/06/2021 16:35

Are you frightened of him OP? I think this sounds like a situation which is going to get worse and that might happen very quickly.

Italiangreyhound · 27/06/2021 16:36

OP it is not your responsibility to fix him.

wishawish91 · 27/06/2021 16:37

He has never shouted at me. He gets really irritated by her crying, will groan or sigh or snap "for fuck sake" if she's headbutting but when I say she's not doing it on purpose she's just a hungry baby he will tell me to shut up and he knows that. If she cries in the morning when he's still asleep he will just get out of bed and walk out the bedroom.

He is OK with me, might snap at me to move if I'm in his way sometimes or tell me to stop talking or be quiet but thats about it

I tend to just stay* *

Darling, this behaviour is abusive whether you see it as that or not. It's not okay to talk to you like that, tell you to be quiet, snap for fucks sake because your baby is headbutting, talk to members of the public like shit.

My guess is that he only talks to females like this for a reason, one day he'll run into the wrong female to fuck with (somebody like me who'd tell him to have a good hard look at himself and to stop being so rude) or a male who will lose his rag and it become physical.

The fact you say "I tend to stay" is worrying, you're not happy, you are emotionally abused by this man, which can become physical and he embarrasses you in public. Get rid. Please.

wishawish91 · 27/06/2021 16:39

@Cazzovuoi thank you for saying what I was about to say!

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