Embarrassed to go outside with DP

[Embarrassedandfedup]

I've been with DP for 5 years and we have a 8 week old DC. I've become too embarrassed to go outside with him. He is so rude and confrontational to people for no reason when we are out and makes a big drama out of things and it's embarrassing and I just want the ground to swallow me up when I'm there but now we have our DC and I'm worried about them seeing this behaviour. Some examples:

We went out for breakfast on my birthday, the waitress offered us a seat at a long shared table full of children and parents and I asked if we could have a more private area so I could feed DC, she said that was fine but id need to move the pram to the side. As soon as we sat down DP went on a big rant about how it's obvious she hates children, hates the fact the pram is in her way and then said aggressively "if she says anything I'll be speaking to her manager" and everytime she walked past he would glare at her then shouted "thanks for nothing" when we left later on.

Yesterday in a cafe, a mum and daughter walk infront of me as I'm pushing the pram, they obviously didn't see me and I stop so I don't hit them. DP then snaps "you could say thank you" to them, the daughter looked really uncomfortable when we ended up at the table next to them. Similar things happen if someone walks in front of us or doesn't say thank you when we let them past (usually not on purpose, they've just not noticed) he'll start getting all sarcastic or shout down the street after them, even if they are with their children. He regularly snaps "what are you looking at?" or "Can I help you?" Because he says someone gave him a "dirty look" in the street. He then says it must be because he's overweight and they hate fat people
There's always some farfetched scenario about why that person must hate him.

A group of young girls walked past us the other day and he shouted " what are you looking at you fat ugly gremlins" because he claims they looked me up and down. It's absolutely humiliating and when I ask what the hell he is playing at he says I need to stand up for myself and I'm not assertive enough and acts as if I'm the crazy one for not screaming at people in the street. I keep asking him to please not do this infront of me and DC. He even shouted at someone in the hospital corridor that their shoes were too loud!

We are going out for lunch today with my Dad who he's only met twice and I'm so worried he's going to behave like this infront of him.

Sorry for the long rant I'm just not sure what to do

I dont think i've commented on mn in maybe 8 years give or take. But for this thread - and i dont slways agree with walking out - you need to walk out. Aggression is not static, it will get worse. And your LO will either become like him, or the opposite; timid and fearful and putting up with poor partners down the line. For LO & yourself, you do beed to see it is aggression not normal irritation, and find the strength to leave. Leaving is a new beginning, try to see it that way, rather than the end.

that is no way to live op.

I suspect he has a very insecure and weak personality and that he really doesn't know who he is. Also he has a lack of boundaries.
My ex husband was like this. Used to fall out with loads and loads of people and really our lives were dominated by him and his moods. He was also very obsessive and compulsive and lent on me a lot emotionally. I spent a lot of time cringing and feeling unsafe.
Please be careful, as things got worse and worse, there was a lot of coercion and domestic abuse . By this time we had children. His behaviour has become worse and worse and has resulted in only being allowed indirect contact with his children.
I fear this will not end well. Please feel free to PM me.

Your mum has given the perfect solution, grab it for your daughters sake. The man you thought you loved has gone ,this is the real him now and you owe it to your child to leave before she is damaged by him.
Are you afraid of him turning that aggression and temper on you? Or is it a misguided sense of responsibility for him? Whichever it is, you must bring it to a close.
He can't be helped if he won't help himself, and he has no respect for anyone. Call Womens Aid if you need to talk things through about strategies for leaving if you think he will not take it well ( judging by his overreacting to pretty much anything, he probably wont).

I've been on mumsnet for years, have read a lot of harrowing things on here but this is the first one to have ever made me cry (and fuck anybody blaming an upset woman on her hormones!). I'm properly crying for you.

He is awful. This behaviour has come on since you had a child - as domestic abuse often does. Please leave him - you have a place you can go, you are in the town with your support network etc etc. Please get up and take your darling child out of this toxic environment. It won't get better. It WILL get worse.

please take up your mum's offer

His behaviour, and his mental health - they are NOT your responsibility to put up with or fix. Only he can ever do that.

Your responsibility is to ensure the welfare of your child.

You arent being treated well by this man

And if i was you, i would never leave my child with him
He sounds unhinged

Women are not rehab centres for emotionally incompetent men.

Your job is to raise your child in the most healthy and safe environment you can and not to fix a fully grown adult male.

Is he from a different country or culture if he has no family nearby?

Does he take drugs or mix medication?

Why are so many men like this?

If he is like this now he will get worse when your dd is older and starts irritating him more. I say that from bitter experience.

@Embarrassedandfedup

I'm also expecting that one day he will do this to the wrong person and will get smacked!

I hope he does, he might learn to keep his opinions to himself then

He sounds like a man that is ready to SNAP.

Pleas go to your mums, but go when he's not around OP, safer I think.

Oh OP you so much life ahead of you, please don’t let it be destroyed be staying with this awful man. You know he’s not going to change. As you say, it’s best to go now while DD is small.

OP please go to your mums. You can look for a charity to re-home your cats and there is no shame in admitting you are not able to care for the cats.

"...he was really charming and polite when we met, this has only come about in the past 6 months I would say." So once you were expecting his baby, he changed? You know that is very common. For men to change when their partner has a baby.

"He is very unhappy, he has a lot of self-esteem issues, lots of issues with being bullied in the past etc. And I do recognise that he will get really angry over something minor and actually he is probably projecting but that's not OK, I have self esteem issues and I don't shout at people."

Yes, most of us manage to manage our own feelings of anxiety and insecurity without taking it out on others.

"He has previously been on medication for depression and anxiety, stopped it last year and bas been in counselling for the past 8 months but has just quit it as he says it's pointless and the counsellor is useless."

It's really his issue for him to solve. I have OCD and have had a lot of counseling. I am currently on meds for depression. Whenever I have any issue, I see the GP and get help so my husband and kids do not need to suffer because of my issues.

There is no shame in having mental health issues, but it is wrong to sit around waiting for someone else to sort it out while subjecting your partner and child to your 'wrath'.

You said "I keep urging him to ring the GP back and find something else but he keeps putting it off..." Maybe he doesn't feel the need to sort his life out. When you leave, he will have a perfect reason to sort things out. But even if he does, you are under no obligation to return to him. Your obligation is to your child. She and you yourself as the priority.

"If someone spoke to him like that in the street I'd imagine he'd go and hit them or something so I don't know why he thinks it's okay to do it."

So he would think it is OK to hit someone in the street if they did not thank him when he 'let' them walk in front of him. That's pretty fucked up. I am worried he is going to start something in the street in front of you and your child. Please do get to safety and then he can work out his own issues and you can focus on yourself and your child.

Sorry tat was long, but well intentioned!

OP, please take up your mum's offer. Reading all your posts, you need to get out now. Your posts show that his behaviour is escalating, and I think you and your DD are no longer safe.

Get in touch with your landlord about cancelling or being taken off the tenancy, and mention it's for domestic abuse, because you are being abused here.

Youur DD should grow up in a calm home, and you'll never have that while being with this abusive bully.

If it's a recent change in personality perhaps he has a brain tumour.

He's probably just a bullying arse, though.

People who treat others in this way must be deeply unhappy with themselves.
However, that is no excuse.
Anyone who is rude to employees (a situation where they know the other person can't respond) is a coward and a bully.
Is this the example you want to set your children?

OP, you are young and it sounds like you have a place to go, so please do. Your life is only just starting, you have just one tiny one who isn't attached to a school or anything - it is, in some ways, about an easy situation as you can get to move out with a child, especially when the option is family.

Go to your mum’s. You’re stuck in the situation and you need to break out and you have a way. You don’t need to put up with feeling uncomfortable and frightened.

He might just be an arse
But he might need a medical check
Can his parents raise it with him?

Sounds like a personality disorder to me and one for which he will never seek treatment. Please note that I am not saying everyone with a personality disorder acts in this way, because they do not

Does he confine his angry, vicious outbursts for women and children? I bet any money that he does. Cowardly b'stard. I hope he does accidentally pick the wrong person one day and gets what's coming to him ...

He is aware enough of his situation to choose to be rude to employees in restaurants, women, men with kids and old men. All people who will (traditionally) not retaliate with rude words and/or fists.

Women are not rehab centres for emotionally incompetent men
I wish this could be pasted at the top of the relationships board.