Embarrassed to go outside with DP

[Embarrassedandfedup]

I've been with DP for 5 years and we have a 8 week old DC. I've become too embarrassed to go outside with him. He is so rude and confrontational to people for no reason when we are out and makes a big drama out of things and it's embarrassing and I just want the ground to swallow me up when I'm there but now we have our DC and I'm worried about them seeing this behaviour. Some examples:

We went out for breakfast on my birthday, the waitress offered us a seat at a long shared table full of children and parents and I asked if we could have a more private area so I could feed DC, she said that was fine but id need to move the pram to the side. As soon as we sat down DP went on a big rant about how it's obvious she hates children, hates the fact the pram is in her way and then said aggressively "if she says anything I'll be speaking to her manager" and everytime she walked past he would glare at her then shouted "thanks for nothing" when we left later on.

Yesterday in a cafe, a mum and daughter walk infront of me as I'm pushing the pram, they obviously didn't see me and I stop so I don't hit them. DP then snaps "you could say thank you" to them, the daughter looked really uncomfortable when we ended up at the table next to them. Similar things happen if someone walks in front of us or doesn't say thank you when we let them past (usually not on purpose, they've just not noticed) he'll start getting all sarcastic or shout down the street after them, even if they are with their children. He regularly snaps "what are you looking at?" or "Can I help you?" Because he says someone gave him a "dirty look" in the street. He then says it must be because he's overweight and they hate fat people
There's always some farfetched scenario about why that person must hate him.

A group of young girls walked past us the other day and he shouted " what are you looking at you fat ugly gremlins" because he claims they looked me up and down. It's absolutely humiliating and when I ask what the hell he is playing at he says I need to stand up for myself and I'm not assertive enough and acts as if I'm the crazy one for not screaming at people in the street. I keep asking him to please not do this infront of me and DC. He even shouted at someone in the hospital corridor that their shoes were too loud!

We are going out for lunch today with my Dad who he's only met twice and I'm so worried he's going to behave like this infront of him.

Sorry for the long rant I'm just not sure what to do

@Embarrassedandfedup

My dad probably isn't the best person to speak to about it as he was very angry when I was younger and regularly got drunk and angry infront of me when I stayed at his house. He also had another DC with another woman when I was a teenager who ran away from him with the DC about 6 months after birth. I'm not sure he would recognise the unhealthy things my DP does when he has been similar himself in the past.

He's had a lot of therapy but not sure I would feel comfortable discussing it with him. My mum has seen first hand what my DP is like and says he is a lot like my dad

You have ended up with a wrongen like your dad. Stop the cycle. Leave your partner so your DD doesn't repeat it and end up with a horrible bully too.

Now he is rude, unemployed, doesn't see the point in anything, has no optimism, is negative about everything, anything positive I say is shut down. He's like a different person.

His behaviour is appalling, but I wonder if he's embarking on some kind of a nervous breakdown, brought on by his depression.

He needs to see someone before his behaviour/symptoms worsen.

@Ladylokidoki

Our life together is all I have really known and it's very scary to know it's all going to change. I'd have to rehome our cats too which makes me so sad but my DD is the most important thing in the world to me and having her has really put everything into perspective

How old are you that your life with him is all you have ever known?

How old is he?

I'm 23 and we met when I was 18 and had just finished sixth form. He is 27.

@User135644

Now he is rude, unemployed, doesn't see the point in anything, has no optimism, is negative about everything, anything positive I say is shut down. He's like a different person.

His behaviour is appalling, but I wonder if he's embarking on some kind of a nervous breakdown, brought on by his depression.

He needs to see someone before his behaviour/symptoms worsen.

That's what his parents suspect to but I've asked him to get help and he doesn't see that it's urgent so I've given up hassling him about it

He won't change.

You need to make the changes for your child.

Don't be embarassed .!
Be angry .
Be empathetic of the people who he abuses .
Be mortified .

He then says it must be because he's overweight and they hate fat people Nope it's because he's a vile abusive twat .

"No , you being fat has nothing to do with them treating you like this DH . You being a bastard is more likely"
Then leave him standing open mouthed like a guppy .

You are far to young to spend your life this way.

And you did know life before him. Its just been a long time.

Don't put your child in the position of having these issues when she is older, where she thinks this is how men treat their partners.

You both (not just your child) deserve more.

I was 18 when I met mine. Finally walked away at 34. With 2 kids. Trust me when I say, I am not special or have anything you don't. You CAN do this. You will be ok. Don't waste your life.

Sounds like he is very angry about something that he is unable to confront.

If he is only lashing out at people that he can intimidate its classic bullying.

I think you have two choices here, either help him to work on whatever issues he has or if he won't then you should distance yourself from him.

Sooner or later somebody will bite back which could put you all in danger.

Interested to hear if he has the balls to treat your father in this manner.

AnyFucker: My father has been like this all my life. I realised when I was a young child that not all parents are like this. I am now low contact with both of them because I cannot stand his company and my mother didn’t protect me from it.

OP I clearly remember AnyFucker talking about her childhood and the scars it left.

The point I want to make is that if your father bullies and mistreats you and your mother doesn't protect you - it's very difficult to forgive her. I remember my dad shouting and bellowing at me at the dinner table and mum pretending it wasn't happening and then later saying, 'What's the matter with you?' when I was crying.

Please don't let your beautiful baby grow up with a bullying father and a timorous mother as a role model.

Or he could just be a common or garden prick.
There’s a guy like that near us, so far he’s driven his car at a fellow dog Walker, shouts abuse at anyone talking as they walk by his house, fronted up to my dh(who is a quiet chap) and has threatened physical violence to several women. For him it’s roid rage and coke. But mainly being a cock. We all walk past in groups with out phones out now and report him every time.

If a random bloke called my teenager an ugly fat gremlin in the street she'd come home in tears;she's super sensitive about how she looks and as her parent I'd be fuming;if I'd have been nearby then your DH would have ended up on his arse.

Honestly he's going to end getting punched in the face by someone.No wonder you don't like going out with him;I definitely can't blame you.

Has he always been like this or maybe abit and it's been ramped up?;is he depressed/suffer from MH issues?

You'll be fine on your own with you daughter, it'll take time to adjust but better that than find yourself asking the same thing again in a few years and again and again, your daughter is very young and can adjust.

He really needs to get some help and he can still do that when you are not with him.

You've been together for several years and this behaviour has ramped up in the last 6 months.It's common for abusive men to start during pregnancy and the postpartum phase because they think they've got their partner trapped.

He may well have a range of complex issues, but it's very convenient that he managed to be charming in the early days and knows to be nice enough to win you back round. He's doing it just enough so he can dismiss your concerns as being 'hormonal' and then he can use his issues to guilt you into staying.

You're worth so much more OP.

He's not on amitriptyline is he? I know somebody who had to swap from that to another antidepressant because it sent them exactly how you describe.

Hoping for your and your child's sake it's that easy for him to sort...

DH Father was a bully but not on this kind of level. He retired to Spain thankfully so we hardly ever saw him. I was actually rather relieved when he died. DH sister is also a bully and just like her Father. Take up your Mums offer of help and good luck. Don’t let your little one have their life shaped by him.

I'm really sorry that you're dealing with this. It sounds as though he suffers major self-loathing, which he projects outwards.

He gets really irritated by her crying, will groan or sigh or snap "for fuck sake" if she's headbutting but when I say she's not doing it on purpose she's just a hungry baby he will tell me to shut up and he knows that. If she cries in the morning when he's still asleep he will just get out of bed and walk out the bedroom.

This just isn't OK. It's emotional abuse. Hate to say it, but it's likely he's a narcissist. There's nothing that you can do other than plan a quiet exit.

He may well be depressed but he’s also an aggressive bullying prick. Who the fuck shouts down the street to young girls calling them ugly gremlins, swears at their own baby crying etc? Being an all round arsehole does not go hand in hand with depression. You’ll not have a happy or particularly safe life with him OP. You and your baby deserve so much better.

Next time he does something like that, shout at him. "What is wrong with you? Those people are minding their own business doing nothing wrong, have you lost your mind?" and if the people he's been aggressive to are still in earshot, tell them to please ignore him, ask if they're alright, etc. If he's blustering or trying to keep on with his nonsense, SSSHH him like a child and put yourself between him and his victims until they get away. And then leave without him, even if that means getting a bus or a taxi home. Do this EVERY SINGLE TIME.

And also, get your shit in order and LEAVE him.

You are an idiot to stay even a day longer with a fuckwit like this.

He is a psycho, a nasty piece of work and more fool you that you're still there and have brought a BABY in to this madness. Honestly. Get out. Get your baby away.

And FWIW, you walk along with this man while he's saying this stuff and you're likely to get your head kicked in too when he insults the wrong person. Don't think they will ignore you. You're guilty by association unfortunately.

Weed smoker?

He seems to be confusing assertiveness with being a bit of a tosser.

I am so sorry OP. This man is clearly very harmful to you and harmful to be around.

Get some help from Women's Aid and make your plans to leave. Would you want your child to be with someone like this?

"...might snap at me to move if I'm in his way sometimes or tell me to stop talking or be quiet..."

He's angry, aggressive and must be making you very unhappy.

You know what's important for a man - to have some self-control and respect.
Assertiveness isn't about shouting the odds and 'appearing' to be in control. It's about remaining calm, being sensible and getting things done with least fuss.

He needs to shut his gob, and exercise his mind more.

Keep any plans to leave secret. Be careful.