OH no longer wants children

[Lostat30]

Hi

Ive been with my partner 12 years, he initially wanted children "in the future". In the future is now here and he no longer wants them.

Im in my thirties and i feel like my ship has sailed. I am so heartbroken over the future i will never have. I currently feel like i wont get over him and maybe i should just stay and forget children...

Has anyone started over again (sucessfully) in their 30s when they still loved their OH?

Well, I'd sit him down and say I want to start a family NOW. If he's not on board he needs to speak up and say it clearly so you don't waste any more time.
He might be a good partner in other ways but since having a baby is important to you and he doesn't want to, I think it's time to part. Good luck, you're still very young.

I got married at 31 the first time and had my children after that . He sounds like a selfish man .

@MrsTerryPratchett

31 I'd leave.

Sorry it's really shit.

And there's every chance he'll find a 25 yo and have two kids you know. Happens all the time.

Completely agree. You are 31, you still have a few years ahead of you to meet someone else and raise the family you want. What you don't have is more time to waste on someone who's led you on to finally decide he doesn't want kids.

He can have kids in his 60s if he changes his mind. You don't have that option.

Leave.

My husband could never make up his mind on this, so then I said we are having kids and that's what happened. I think you need to be straight and tell him you want to have a baby now. Don't leave it pretty late like I did, the younger you are the better.

I was in your position, in that my DH was stalling about having a baby. I am older than Dh so I was getting really worried while he wasn’t feeling ready. Really I think there is no right time, once you get past a certain age, there is only do you ever want a baby ? And if the answer is yes, then crack on. You need to say this to him, as he may be waiting for some magical time when he no longer finds it daunting or worrying.
With my DH what made the difference for him, was looking at all the positives when he had previously looked at all the negatives, and a few of his friends having babies. If your DH is the same age as you his friends may only be starting to think about babies, so it still seems all in the future.
DH and I had so many arguments about it, that I made the decision to shelve it for six months, and that if he hadn’t made his mind up either way we would have to split as I was then 38. He decided he did want children, we married when I was 39 and I got pregnant a few months later at 40, had another baby at 43, both times I got pregnant very easily but I would rather not have had them so late. It is such a difficult situation when you love the person and are otherwise very happy.
I think at 31 you can have some serious talks now, that you are not prepared to give up having children and that he must not keep stringing you along, ask him if he wants children ever, and if he does then what is he waiting for ? Then agree to leave the topic for six months for him to think about it, and if he is still unsure then I think you will have to end it.

He's a classic future faker, and a cruel and manipulative one, too. Getting all upset so you back away and shelve the topic works well for him, doesn't it? And sending you baby pictures etc is just dangling your dream forever out of your reach.

You do know you haven't actually given him an ultimatum yet? Anything he can answer with a "...but not yet!" is the wrong question.

He needs to hear, "I'm ready now: your choice is 100% in or 100% out."

100% in is start TTC. 100% out is any other answer including delay. Give him a month, max, and make it clear there's no discussion or negotiation. He makes his own mind up. You don't need to hear him dithering or begging you to coax him. He needs to hear that 100% in means never saying "You wanted this baby; I didn't" and committing to the nappies and night waking etc as a full partner. He needs to hear that you'll miss him if he's out, but not as much as you would have done if you'd split 12 years ago, because he has shown himself to be dishonest and uncaring. And he needs to know that the future you want is the one you always said you wanted; the one he claimed he wanted too, until it looked like being real.

I think you're going to have to walk away, honestly. You love who he said he was, not who he really is, don't you? He's been slowly suffocating your dreams for over a decade now; it shouldn't be too hard to fall out of love with him.

You’ve actually got plenty of time but he’s really unhelpful isn’t he
What’s going to change his mind now?
I would be reevaluating the relationship too op - very sorry

It is not too late for you to have children.

Have you tried telling him that either you try right now, or you will leave the relationship. No more discussion about “Maybe one day”or ‘Yes, but next year.”

Otherwise decide if you love him more than you want a baby.

Don't let him waste a second more of your precious fertility!!

I know I need to leave him, its just such a hard step to take

I feel for you. Leaving someone you love because you have different life priorities is one the hardest decisions to make. Tougher still, is regretting sticking with him giving up something so powerful as to having children.

There are few decisions in marriage/partnerships that are essential for a woman - whether or not to give up childbearing because their husband doesn't want children is one of them. Only you know if you want children so much that the regret of not having them because he has decided against them his, will damage your emotional well being and marriage in the future.

Not an easy decision but one that you need to be very clear about what you want as an individual and most of all , as a woman.

I would leave, your only 31 and could easily find someone else willing to have children or even do it alone. Good luck to him finding someone between 25 and 35 that doesn’t have or want children.

I did!!!

I met my husband at the same age as you. It’s been a true fairy tale for me really. Swept off my feet

I had a man do exactly the same as you. Who I was with from 17 for some 12 years. Though I always knew he didn’t want children. But that’s the point that I got too and thought no. I do and I’m refusing to have a life without them. So we broke up and a few years later I met my husband

Was amazing. He treats me more than I’ve ever had. He’s a wonderful man and I feel so lucky every single day. I went onto have the children I wanted later in life. I’m also truly blessed with them! I hone educate and I wouldn’t wish for anything else. I feel very settled.

Go get it. I went over and over and over with what do I want more. Can I live without him. Turns out my maternal pull was stronger than my relationship. Though we still speak occasionally. He’s happy. I’m happy. It’s great.

@NewlyGranny

He's a classic future faker, and a cruel and manipulative one, too. Getting all upset so you back away and shelve the topic works well for him, doesn't it? And sending you baby pictures etc is just dangling your dream forever out of your reach.

You do know you haven't actually given him an ultimatum yet? Anything he can answer with a "...but not yet!" is the wrong question.

He needs to hear, "I'm ready now: your choice is 100% in or 100% out."

100% in is start TTC. 100% out is any other answer including delay. Give him a month, max, and make it clear there's no discussion or negotiation. He makes his own mind up. You don't need to hear him dithering or begging you to coax him. He needs to hear that 100% in means never saying "You wanted this baby; I didn't" and committing to the nappies and night waking etc as a full partner. He needs to hear that you'll miss him if he's out, but not as much as you would have done if you'd split 12 years ago, because he has shown himself to be dishonest and uncaring. And he needs to know that the future you want is the one you always said you wanted; the one he claimed he wanted too, until it looked like being real.

I think you're going to have to walk away, honestly. You love who he said he was, not who he really is, don't you? He's been slowly suffocating your dreams for over a decade now; it shouldn't be too hard to fall out of love with him.

👆100% this.

@Harriedharriet

Run, don't walk.

My brother did this to a wonderful woman. She left him but too late. He is now doing it again. He moves the goal posts everytime she brings it up. Just a tiny bit. It keeps her hanging on, and it is heartbreaking.

Your man will not change.

Let go and grab your future.

I'd be sure to tell her that he's done it before and tell her to dump him asap.

@Lostat30 no point hoping he'll change his mind. He's been a prick to keep you waiting this long, no doubt knowing all along he won't change his mind. He's told you he doesn't want kids, you do want kids, so there is only one option and that's to split up and do it asap. Yes it will be hard but if you stay you'll end up resenting him anyway and most likely splitting up when it's too late for you to have kids with someone else.

This happened to me. Virtually identical! Waited until we got married to tell me actually he didn’t want children. Within 3 years I was married again with a baby. I’m happier than I ever was with him, and for me I could not give up on my dream of a family. I know it doesn’t feel like it at the time but it was genuinely the best thing that ever happened to me. You are a similar age to what I was when it happened and you have lots of time. It’s awful I know, I felt angry, led on, humiliated. But I spent time by myself, dating and then completely fell in love. You deserve to have the happiness you want for yourself xxx

Do not get strung along for years OP. I know its hard but if he doesn't want children, keeps moving the goal posts, keeps says next year etc. you will get strung along for YEARS until it might well be too late. Men think its super easy to get pregnant - its often not - and their view is distorted because they don't have a time frame they need to work within. Tell him you either you start trying now or disentangle yourself. Prioritise your future, not his. Also consider getting fertility tests done so you know what your state of play is.

Oh for god sake bin him. I can forgive a lot but I couldn't forgive a man treating my fertility like a game. They can, you see. The wankjob could marry at 55 and effortlessly have kids with a 30 year old. You're 31. Same as me. While I already have kids, I know I've got maybe around 10 years to have another one if I want. Bags of time but time passes fast. Blink and you'll have spent another 5 years with this cruel man so leave asap if he won't commit now

@Lostat30

I'm 31, I've discussed this numerous times with him and his answer tends to the the same that he "might" want them in the future, it used to be that he "does" want them but it changed when i decided i was ready. That's not a good enough answer anymore for me :(

Get out now and you have plenty of time. I had both of mine over 35. If you stay you'll waste your remaining fertile years on a future faker - he has stolen from you and it's time to get angry and leave.

OP, as hard as it is and no matter how upset he gets, you need to have that make or break conversation with him. You need to decide whether you want him without DC, or whether you want to have DC with somebody else. If the latter, then you need to tell him that it is over because you want DC and he doesn't.

Don't be fobbed off by him any more. You are only 31 so still have plenty of time. I met my XH when I was 30, married at 33 and had DC at 36. I also married him knowing that he might not be able to have DC, and made the decision that I would rather be with him than have a child as I was not maternal. (As it happens, he walked out when DC was 4, so I ended up with the child and not the bloke, but I wouldn't have it any other way now).

A friend went out with a man for 12 years and he kept stringing her along, he wouldn't even live with her in a house that she bought. She eventually left him , met somebody else and married them. She never had DC though as he didn't want any. He did change his mind but by then she was 40 and she had mc's and never had a child. It has affected her massively. Don't be that woman. (The first man inevitably met somebody younger, got her pregnant and moved in with her).

I am so sorry for you OP. He sounds like he has been a complete twat in regards to this, and let's be clear, stringing you along on children is huge. I am sure there are multiple questionnaires which throws up 'red flags' in your relationship and the children question is usually number 1.

I know other posters have said don't give an ultimatum but it looks like you are going to have to make a decision as, unfortunately, your DP has been dodging this and messing you about for 12 years.

You need to decide whether your need for children is greater than your need for him. You cannot pressure him to have children as you need a partner who will 100% support you and not be half-hearted on this. He sounds really emotionally stunted.

Also you might want to look into freezing your eggs

I had my dc at 30 and 33. I've friends who had their first at 39, 41, 45 you have plenty time to meet someone genuine who wants the same things as you. Don't stay with the man who has deceived you all this time. The resentment will grow, especially when friends and colleagues of the same age around you get married and have dc

My friend had been with her DH for 15 years before they got married in their mid 30s. Very quickly they got divorced because it was clear that he wasn't going to give up working away as he had promised, when they had kids. Friend then met someone quite quickly got married again and had kids straight away, they have two lovely DCs now.

@AgathaAllAlong, @Cocogreen, @ScrollingLeaves

The OP has already issued the ultimatum and the time has passed. She told him she wanted to start TTC at 30. He pushed her again. She is not 31.

Please RTFT (at least the OP's update) before you advise to "have a conversation with him" .

OP, he does not want children with you. It is really hard to end something when you have invested so many years in it, I know, but listen to those of us who are nearly old enough to be your mum - leave him now and you will be able to meet a new man and have the life you really want.

I could list the number of family, friends and acquaintances that have done just this and I will only say - those that stayed are still childless and too old to have a child now, those that left have met someone and had a child.

We really need to teach our daughters that if a woman wants children she needs to find a man who commits to this - and set a firm deadline. We do not have the luxury of time.

OP I have a son who turned 40 this year. He is splitting up with his wife of 10 years because they want different things, one of them being that he wants to be a parent and she doesn't.
It has been heartbreaking all round, I love my DIL, we are a very close family but he is adamant about having DC's, and cannot see a future without a family of his own.
Its a tough decision to make
Good Luck

I agree with everyone here saying leave him, if you want children and he absolutely doesn’t, then you are only wasting time now with him.

The other thing to consider is that at any point in the next 40 or so years he could decide that he does want children and he could go off and have them with someone else. How devastated would you be then, as you do not have that luxury of time.

You could also consider the options of freezing your eggs if you are worried about future fertility? You could also look at sperm donors etc as there are options for you to have children on your own.