OH no longer wants children

[Lostat30]

Hi

Ive been with my partner 12 years, he initially wanted children "in the future". In the future is now here and he no longer wants them.

Im in my thirties and i feel like my ship has sailed. I am so heartbroken over the future i will never have. I currently feel like i wont get over him and maybe i should just stay and forget children...

Has anyone started over again (sucessfully) in their 30s when they still loved their OH?

He's wasted enough of your life OP, get the hell out of there! If he really loved you he would have been honest with you, not wasting your time with lies. He's known all along that you want children, so it's just unforgivably deceiptful for him to have done this to you. Be very focused, find someone who wants children - you still have time, but I would get cracking now, you don't want to waste any more time.

I only met my husband when I was your age and we didn't have DC until 6 years later! You have plenty of time to meet someone else. Even if you were 39 (and didn't have any fertility issues) you'd still be in with a decent chance to meet someone else and start a family. Don't sell yourself short, if you want children you are too young to give up on that idea

I agree. I know someone who met their husband at 39, married at 40 and had babies at 41 and 43. Both babies conceived very quickly and born healthy at term with no complications.

The low rates you see published for conceiving at 40 are based on women who have been TTC for years who have known fertility issues. They are not for healthy women who have just started to TTC because they had not met the right man.

Oh I feel sorry for you being in this situation. I know two couples who were in a similar situation and both broke up with their spouses after many years of marriage. In my experience the urge to have children is strong so I do think you'll end up resenting him.
As other posters have pointed out he has strung you along. Sending you baby photos etc was cruel imo. It was just to make you excited and for you to believe him. I also agree with the poster who commented about you not being married yet.12 years is a long time for that not to have happened.
It does seem he's not as committed to you or your future as you are. It will be really difficult but I think you have to move on and find someone who wants the same as you or indeed decide to have a child on your own. I hope it works out for you. It's a horrible dilemma.

He's behaving like a dick. So hes changed his mind abut kids, he's entitled to do that. However, a decent man would let you go so that you can get on with your life, instead of crying over it and staying.

I'm 50, so many people I know have been fucked over by men like this. They fall into 2 categories the permanent stringer alongers who have multiple relationships with women in their 20 and 30s, promise kids and marriage and then just move on to the next one when the pressure starts to build. The second category are I don't want kids meaning I don't see my future with you and kids. They tend to get married and have kids pretty quickly with someone else after they leave when their new relationship is all rosy.

You should ditch him today.
At least its summer now so its more amenable to moving and starting over, rather than doing it in the bleak mid winter or around Xmas.

Awful situation but you do need to leave if you can’t imagine a life without children. Someone I know was left dangling until she was 42 so for her, it was too late and she’s had to accept a child free life. Don’t leave it that long, at 31 you definitely have enough time to find someone else and have children.

I met dh when I was almost 31. You have time.

I too met, married and had a baby in my 30’s. I was almost 38 when I had my DD.

I had a really strong urge to be a Mum and it's not something that I could ever have denied myself. It wasn't an easy journey either with tough pregnancies and a stillbirth. But it was so fundamentally a part of me, I couldn't have sacrificed it for anyone.

Listen to your gut OP. You're 31, and have maybe 4 years of fertility left? You still have time but you need to also grieve this relationship and what could have been. He's strung you along for such a long time, and that's cruel to have done. Go easy on yourself

@Cam77

I think it’s quite offensive to suggest that women wait until their thirties because that’s what their friends do.

I just meant its the socially acceptable norm. Though that would have been obvious. Most of us conform or at least try to most important social norms. In the West, women waiting till 30+ to have their first child is completely acceptable, even encouraged. LIkewise for men at 35+ or 40+

It wasn't obvious, as you literally said:

"it seems many women don't want to think about children until 30+ as thats what they see many of their friends doing"

Women 'don't want to think about children until 30+ AS that's what they see friends doing'

Bit of a difference between 'it's the social norm to have kids older in Western countries' and 'the reason they don't have them younger is because their friends don't'.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I’d leave. You do most likely have time on your side with your fertility. I’m sorry he’s put you in this position.

Leave now. The shock of it may make him change his mind or it will cement what he's saying. Either way, at 31 you still have plenty of time. I met my OH just before I turned 34 and had my DD at 38 and I'm am SO thankful I never settled down with the numpty I went out with before him.

Every day you wait to leave makes it harder.

@Starlia

Deal breaker for me. Especially if you've been open and honest about it and he has been stringing you along. 31 is still young. You do have time. And yeah, even if I loved him, I would leave and start again.

this. Don't waste any more time. Absolutely rubbish that he's strung you along like this.

you've got time though. I met my DH at 31 and had kids at 35 and 37.

My sister did this to her ex-OH. When they first met, he told her that he'd left his ex because she'd decided she didn't want children, whereas he really wanted kids. He then asked my sister (who had always said to me that she didn't ever want children) if she wanted children in the future because he didn't want to waste time dating someone who didn't want the same future as him. Anyway, she said yes she did want children because she liked him so much and didn't want to stop dating him. They were together for around 10 years and in that time she pushed the time frame for starting a family back over and over again- just let me get a new job, just let me get a pay rise, just let me get a promotion, just let me move to another job, just let me go on holiday with my friends one more time...my family all spoke to her about how cruel she was being to him and she either flew into a rage with us or just shrugged it off. Anyway, after they'd been together for a decade she announced that she hadn't been happy with him for about 6 years, and that she'd met someone else and was leaving him. He was obviously distraught as he thought they were in the same page. Anyway, after a year with this new person she's decided that actually she now kind of wants children and they'll be ttc this year. I feel absolutely heartbroken for her ex who is in his 40s now and still childless. Obviously the fertility clock ticking for him is less severe than for a woman, but it doesn't change the fact that he was honest from the start with what he wanted and was lied to and had his time wasted for a decade, or that he wanted kids in his 30s and he'll be pushing 50 by the time he has a child.

I would speak to your oh, op, and lay your cards on the table, and if he cannot commit to ttc any time soon then it's best to move on now whilst you're still young, rather than waiting until you're at the end of your fertile years to leave him. It's so hard, and I know how heartbreaking this must be for you, but you can't have a happy future relationship with a man who doesn't want children. The resentment would be too great.

So, think about it this way - you stay with your DP for another 10 years, and you're in your 40s. You finally make the decision to leave, and maybe find another partner who does want children, and let's face it men in that age category may be on their 2nd families. Maybe you have fertility issues, maybe you won't.

I knew a couple of women who have left their partners as they didn't want children. One stayed friends with the ex DP and the other didn't (mostly as he then went and had children with another woman very very quickly)

There is some truth in the saying about when someone is trying to tell you who they are, believe them.

He doesn't want children.

Oh no! I'm so sorry. It's very clear you're aware that your dear partner has filled your bucket of hope. What an arse!
I do hope you do what is best for you and not live your life with regret.

Oh love, I was in your shoes at 28. In fact I made a mumsnet thread about it. Follow your gut OP, this isn’t the right man for you. And yes, the heartbreak is devastating, at the time it felt like it could never get better. But 2 years later and it has. 100x better.

You have spent 12 years with your DH without children. Maybe he wasn't sure at first but by now it is pretty clear which way he is heading: he doesn't want children with you. You aren't compatible in a way that is so profound that if you stay it will slowly kill your love for him. 31 is plenty of time to grieve, move on, find a new relationship or decide to start a family by yourself.

I had my first at 38 with a partner I had been with a long time. The difference is that neither of us knew what we wanted til a lot later than you did, and then it turned out we wanted the same (DH later than me and then it took a while to conceive). I have another friend who split a long-lasting relationship in her thirties for this reason. She felt very sad at first but is now happily married with children, he is in a relationship and childfree.

It is heartbreaking but you will recover. Now you know where you both stand you can move on.

He isn't a twat, i kinda wish he was so leaving him wouldn't feel so hard right now.

Oh but he kind of is a twat in what he's done. He's wasted years of your life when you could've been TTC.

But 31 is nothing. Dump him ASAP and get yourself someone who's on the same page as you xx

It was an ultimatum for an answer as I informed him I need him to be 100 % in, so if he knows he does not want children, I need to know so we can pull the plaster off. However he would say he does but he's not ready yet, even told me he was ready at one point!

I know I need to leave him, its just such a hard step to take 😪

So, he’s now told you that he doesn’t want children. Did he then also say “and I know you do, so we’ll have to split up” or did he try to convince you to stay together without kids? Or just drop the bombshell and not have the courtesy to discuss the implications?

Leave now. At 31 you are still young and have every chance of meeting someone you wants the same things you do. Never compromise your future for a man.

I know several men who did this to wonderful women (who they didn't deserve), and then very quickly moved on and had a family with someone else. Total bstrds.

@Lostat30 - not sure if this has been suggested but how about relationship counselling, even if it is just to give you clarity and closure.

Most posters here are suggesting you dump him to move on and find someone who wants the same thing. But obviously it's easier said than done, as you clearly love him and probably share so much else that's worth staying together for. It's heartbreaking to have to call time on an otherwise good relationship over one (albeit fundemental) difference. However as others have said, the trouble is you'll come to resent him if you have to give up your dream of having a baby to stay with him.

Good luck.

I’d be fuming, it very much reads like he has strung you along for 12 years. Leave now.

Agree. Tell him you want to TTC in the next 6 months and if he's not in you'll go it alone.