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Original poster

OH no longer wants children

410 replies

Lostat30 · 22/06/2021 01:11

Hi

Ive been with my partner 12 years, he initially wanted children "in the future". In the future is now here and he no longer wants them.

Im in my thirties and i feel like my ship has sailed. I am so heartbroken over the future i will never have. I currently feel like i wont get over him and maybe i should just stay and forget children...

Has anyone started over again (sucessfully) in their 30s when they still loved their OH?

OP posts:
bigbaggyeyes · 22/06/2021 10:43

You have your answer now op. You either stay and be childless or leave and have the opportunity to have dc.

You are still young enough, but I'd say you need to leave soon with the chance of either meeting someone and having a family or doing it on your own via a doner.

SingingInTheShithouse · 22/06/2021 10:47

You've allowed him to take your power. You need to take it back.

Yes it feels daunting, it always does when you've put your needs second to his for so long. You have been conditioned for so long into not believing you are worth more.

But you are worth more, way more & though you don't see it right now, step away & you will soon see him for the manipulative POS we see only from your few posts. Many of us have been there & have friends who have done, or suffered this. You've done all you can with this man, he isn't ready to grow up & likely never will be. You will soon see that & resent him for stringing you along & trust me, when your eyes open wide to him & his games, it's really isn't hard to get over. Take yourself away for a few days if you can & get some planning & thinking space & start talking to friends too.

It's not the end of something that's giving what you want, it's the beginning of getting the life you want & deserve. It really does get much better. Grab your power back with both hands & kick him into touch. Make him leave for starters if you can. This isn't your fault. It's his.

SunshineCake · 22/06/2021 10:49

I would leave. I spent a couple of years with someone who didn't want marriage or children and I felt he was enough for me. We broke up over something else, thank God, and on the day I met my now husband I asked if he wanted marriage and children. I wasn't going to waste any more time and no man is worth such a compromise.

My friend discovered after she was married that her h didn't want kids. She chose to stay and has never forgiven him.

You would be a fool to stay. He's not the only man and he is not worth missing out on children for.

Gograce · 22/06/2021 10:51

Either leave and have children. Or sacrifice not having any children and stay. Either way you need to stop holding out on your oh changing his mind because let's be honest it's gotten this far down the line and you dont have children and that speaks louder than his words like "maybe". You need to decide what's more important to you.

Annofgreengables25 · 22/06/2021 10:55

I wouldn't bother will an ultimatum, do you really want to have a child with a man who has been pressured into it? The crying, sending you pictures of prams and saying that you'll be a great mum is pure manipulation. RUN!

Wheresthebeach · 22/06/2021 11:00

@Annofgreengables25

I wouldn't bother will an ultimatum, do you really want to have a child with a man who has been pressured into it? The crying, sending you pictures of prams and saying that you'll be a great mum is pure manipulation. RUN!
Couldn’t agree more. You are still young - leave even though it’s hard. The sending pics and crying is awful.
Blueskytoday06 · 22/06/2021 11:05

Don't give him another 12 years. You want different things and as sad as it would be to walk away you still have the option of children if you decide you want to. Not with him tho.

YellowFish12 · 22/06/2021 11:08

@Annofgreengables25

I wouldn't bother will an ultimatum, do you really want to have a child with a man who has been pressured into it? The crying, sending you pictures of prams and saying that you'll be a great mum is pure manipulation. RUN!
^This

You don't want to have children with a reluctant man who will dump all the child-stuff on you and tell you "but YOU wanted them".

31 is young enough to find someone else. Several friends have met and married and had children after break ups in the early 30s.

You have to be SUPER proactive tho and SUEPR brutal on online dating - not interested in marriage and kids in a reasonable timeframe?> NEXT

bringincrazyback · 22/06/2021 11:09

Why are some people calling the guy selfish? Simply because he doesn't want children?

FunMcCool · 22/06/2021 11:12

@Lostat30

Actually op I would say he is a test. He had said he’s ready, he’s said he’s not, he cries when you tell him what you want. He sends you pics of baby things when he’s known he doesn’t want kids. That’s cruel and he’s putting himself before you. Leave him you’re still young you still have a lot of time.

cocoloco987 · 22/06/2021 11:12

Why are some people calling the guy selfish? Simply because he doesn't want children?

Probably because he waited 12 years to tell her and only did so when pressed rather than letting her know immediately when he came to the decision- knowing it was something very important to her

LittleTiger007 · 22/06/2021 11:12

I’m so sorry OP. I know you love him but I would have to question whether he loves you after messing you about like this.
I was widowed in my 30s (childless) married again in my 40s and have just had a healthy baby.
Good luck on whatever you decide. Flowers

FunMcCool · 22/06/2021 11:14

Is a twat*

1940s · 22/06/2021 11:16

Deal breaker. Mainly because of the resentment that he's kept you dangling for all that time. I've seen it time and time again. And the pattern usually goes that the couple break up and within 18 months he is happily with someone else and has consented happily to having children with them...

Clickbait · 22/06/2021 11:16

Why are some people calling the guy selfish? Simply because he doesn't want children?

No, because of this bit in the OP's post:
"he kept informing me he wanted children but not yet and would get visibly upset informing me how much he loves me, how ill be an amazing mother etc. He would then send me photos of baby things etc, pictures of prams, baby names, nursery ideas etc.
I informed him my cut off was 30. He suggested trying when I turned 30 then backtracked again"

He's thinking of himself here, not the OP. He's manipulating her to make her stay with him.

mynameisbrian · 22/06/2021 11:17

If it was me I would be telling him having children is a relationship decider for you and if he isnt wanting DC you need to move on. I note that you arent married either , are you happy with that too?

Vetyveriohohoh · 22/06/2021 11:19

Definitely leave him and start again. Take your future into your own hands. I only met DH at 27 and had DC at 30. You have time now, if you leave it much longer you really are eating into that opportunity.

Regardless, I wouldn’t be able to forgive him for misleading you for so long.

SingingInTheShithouse · 22/06/2021 11:19

I left a relationship like this at 38, at 39 I ended up visiting an old friend in holiday town. We ended up going on a pub crawl which ended in a shock drunken fumble. Next morning HE asked me if I wanted kids & marriage as he knew me well enough to know we were perfect for each other, if we wanted the same things. We've been very happily married with an amazing DD for nearly 20 years now.

The guy I left also married & had a baby within a year of me kicking him out, he's been through several more & more dumped kids since then I hear too. Apparently now my kids have grown ill be interested in him again. He's actually said this to a mutual friend 😂😂😂. He even had the cheek to try & contact me recently too. It's all about them, don't waste your time. My marriage & family are still way better than anything I ever had with him. Honestly, you will look back & think the same. Stay strong

Bollindger · 22/06/2021 11:22

Two children no IVF , both born about 35, you have time.
Men who you meet who are childless in their 30's are ready to adult.

BountyIsUnderrated · 22/06/2021 11:22

Please ltb and begin the life you deserve. You will forever regret never having children if you want them.

3scape · 22/06/2021 11:24

You have time. There's no point in making someone live a life They don't want. True for both of you.

ihtwsf · 22/06/2021 11:25

Why are some people calling the guy selfish? Simply because he doesn't want children?

He's not selfish because he doesn't want children. Nobody has to have a child if they don't want to. He is selfish because he has been future-faking for 12 years, promising to have a child with the OP at some point, claiming he wants children, yet now he is still "not ready".
He does not want children but he enjoys his lifestyle with the OP, presumably loves her and wants to be with her so keeps her hanging on waiting to have children when he has no intention of doing so.

That's why he is selfish.

Hard as it is, OP needs to leave him and find someone who does want to have children with her.

mam0918 · 22/06/2021 11:26

Im not in this situation but I decided long, long ago (before I had kids) that if I didnt have anyone that would have kids with me then I would go it alone.

You dont need a man to be a mother, some of the best mothers I know where single mothers but dont let some man rob you of your chance at children.

That said at 31 you still have time to start again too.

cocoloco987 · 22/06/2021 11:27

Men who you meet who are childless in their 30's are ready to adult.

Or unfortunately like OP's partner who have been dumped finally for still not being ready to adult. Hopefully with hindsight on her side this should be easy to spot though

Classicbrunette · 22/06/2021 11:27

I know women to have healthy children in their 40s, so there’s time for you yet.

It’s not fair on you, he’s been very mean.