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Original poster

OH no longer wants children

410 replies

Lostat30 · 22/06/2021 01:11

Hi

Ive been with my partner 12 years, he initially wanted children "in the future". In the future is now here and he no longer wants them.

Im in my thirties and i feel like my ship has sailed. I am so heartbroken over the future i will never have. I currently feel like i wont get over him and maybe i should just stay and forget children...

Has anyone started over again (sucessfully) in their 30s when they still loved their OH?

OP posts:
moose62 · 22/06/2021 09:05

I had the same issues at 30. I gave my DH an ultimatum and he knew I meant it. I gave him 3 days to think about it whilst I stayed elsewhere and on the third day he agreed to try for a baby. We now have two children but also lost 3 to miscarriage so you do not necessarily have loads of time once you turn 30, The main point to to really mean the ultimatum and be prepared to follow it through.

Wondergirl100 · 22/06/2021 09:09

Op he is behaving appallingly!! Please walk away from him. He knows he is ruining your fertile years here - he doesn't want to have kids but he doesn't want you to leave. Sending you pics of baby stuff!! Disgusting.

Why not see a temporary separation as at least a step forward - get away from him, begin to set up life on your own.

Yes 12 years is a lot but having children is irreplaceable.

I am 43 - I have several friends who did not have babies until late 30s early 40s - was with a friend the other day who is 43 with a 8 month old, deliroiusly happy.

You have time to move on, get over him, heal the broken heart and meet someone else.

I had both mine in my mid 30s, you have time - but the longer you spend waiting for him the more you will resent him in the end.

SingingInTheShithouse · 22/06/2021 09:09

I did it in my 40s & have never been happier, so you're not too old.

He has been a manipulative prick though & kept you dangling on false promises. I couldn't love any many who thought so little of me that he thinks it's okay to do that. You deserve way better. Show him the door & get bloody angry, he deserves no less than your absolute rage for this. What a prick

Cam77 · 22/06/2021 09:11

A lot of men don't "get" the biological pressure thing. Of course they understand it as a fact, but its not a physical reality for them, so it all feels a lot more "theoretical". So at 30/31 your OH probably doesn't feel there's an urgent decision that needs to be made.

It only really "hits" men when they near 40 that they are getting a bit old to be childless (if they want a child) and so it might now be time to hurry up a bit. So, yes, unfortunately, when he hits 37/38 etc, he might have a complete change of heart/epiphany and realise that life isn't infinite and if he wants to ever see a mini-me he needs to get down to it ... and if he's not with you at that moment then that would be with a new partner. If that happens, don't take it as a slight on your past relationship - I'd say its fairly common. As the average age of first time parents gets ever later on average, this kind of situation becomes increasingly common.

Redtartanshoes · 22/06/2021 09:11

Sending You pictures of baby things, crying/ getting upset and telling you that you’ll be an amazing mother sounds like gaslighting to me.

It’s making you sad just now, but another 10
Years you’ll Be in the same position but without a baby and your chances considerably reduced… you’ll be angry and resentful. And 41.

Look up sunken cost theory. Yes you’ve given him 12 years…. Don’t give him any mors

TriangularPrism · 22/06/2021 09:12

Ignore his tears. They're purely for manipulation purposes, any sadness is just because he can't have everything his own way.

An ultimatum needs to be just that. You need to follow it through and leave.

TriangularPrism · 22/06/2021 09:12

"Go. He’ll keep you dangling for another 10 years then leave and have children with the first woman he meets. Happens ALL THE TIME."

Also this

SingingInTheShithouse · 22/06/2021 09:14

Oh & we have 2 male friends who were like this.

Both of them went off & found themselves a younger model when their DPs got older too, after stringing them along on false promises of , tomorrow, tomorrow, which of course never comes. Both have kids now, whilst their exes don't as they wasted too much of their lives on such entitled pricks. Run

Mischance · 22/06/2021 09:15

He needs a REAL ultimatum. You have done it twice and not followed through, so he does not believe you.

Make some concrete leaving plans that you can show him, so he knows what you are planning.

Half-hearted ultimatums are simply no good whatsoever.

He has messed you about right royally and needs a kick up the pants.

Clickbait · 22/06/2021 09:15

He sounds quite manipulative OP. Not to mention selfish.

You are careful of his emotional wellbeing (can't have difficult conversations as he gets upset), yet he doesn't seem to care at all about everything you are giving up for him? If you lose the chance to become a mother because of his inability to commit, wouldn't he feel bad at all?

MMmomDD · 22/06/2021 09:15

If you know you would like to have children - no man is worth giving it up for. It’s really that simple.

You met him when you were both teenagers. So he isn’t some evil ‘future faker’. It’s perfectly normal to not know or not be ready. And he is still quite young tbh.
But none of that is relevant for you.

At this point it needs to be a final decision time. Either you start trying or you go and meet someone who wants the same things as you on your timeline.

JustAnotherOldMan · 22/06/2021 09:16

@tillytown

Neither of you is wrong, but you do have different, and irreconcilable, life goals. He lied to her for 12 years, he is very much in the wrong.
This is a bit strong, who at 19 really has a plan for life and can tell at what age they have decide to start a family
Cam77 · 22/06/2021 09:16

In modern developed countries, it seems many women don't want to think about children until 30+ as thats what they see many of their friends doing .... and many men dont want the fun to stop till 35+ or even 40+, as again thats what they see many of my friends doing.

Of course when the man and woman are the same age this causes serious issues.

Jigglywobbly · 22/06/2021 09:17

Is this just a commitment issue ? Do you want to get married? If yes, why hasn’t he asked in 12 years? I’d want to be married after all that time and having dc in a financially secure position.
He has kicked the dc can down the road enough. May be you leaving will help him reevaluate his life and what’s important or may be it won’t. Either way, you can’t carry on like this. You need to make a decision ASAP. It doesn’t matter how great he is, he’s kept you hanging on something so important to you and moved the goalposts constantly and that’s not the sign of a great partner tbh

Ourlady · 22/06/2021 09:18

That's just plain nasty sending you pics of baby stuff, leading you on to just say he's not ready when you push it
I would give him one final ultimatum, you start tryIng now or your out.

Beautiful3 · 22/06/2021 09:19

I'd leave. Children are a deal breaker for most women. Don't leave it too late as you need time to meet someone else and get to know them before trying.

Twoforthree · 22/06/2021 09:22

Don’t leave it too late.

PassionfruitOrangeGuava · 22/06/2021 09:22

@Cam77

In modern developed countries, it seems many women don't want to think about children until 30+ as thats what they see many of their friends doing .... and many men dont want the fun to stop till 35+ or even 40+, as again thats what they see many of my friends doing.

Of course when the man and woman are the same age this causes serious issues.

I think it’s quite offensive to suggest that women wait until their thirties because that’s what their friends do.

More likely it’s the reality that it takes a long time to get an education and to get your career to a point where you’re financially stable enough to support a child, attain secure housing, and find the right partner. And that there’s been a real sea change in the mentality of men, instead of getting married and having children in their early to mid twenties that’s seen as preposterously young and so many aren’t willing to even consider that level of commitment until they’re into their thirties.

The women I know who had kids late didn’t just forget to have them, or feel like they had to fit in with their social circle. They’d have had them sooner if they’d had a partner willing to commit, and the resources to do so. For the odd one it wasn’t about resources and was more about wanting to really succeed professionally first for the sake of their career rather than as a means to increased stability and resources.

CallMeNutribullet · 22/06/2021 09:22

OP from experience (this has happened to a couple of friends) he wants out of the relationship and is too cowardly to do it himself.

A good friend was with a guy for 10 years throughout their 20s/yearly 30s. They were engaged, always talked marriage and babies. He started saying he was depressed, he didn't want to get married, didn't want kids and eventually she had to end it.

In under a year he was married to some girl who was a "friend" my friend always had concerns about.

HeartShapedBalloon · 22/06/2021 09:24

I was 34 meeting my second husband, 35 having a baby with him. You've got plenty of time! Dump the asshole.

Cam77 · 22/06/2021 09:24

If he's previously categorically stated "I don't want kids ever" Id be very wary about him having a Sudden Change of Heart.
Being cautious about it or saying maybe in two years is different to him just clearly stating his position like that. If thats what he did, it sounds like you should respect his decision and call a close to the relationship as it would be in everyones best interest.

Crowsaregreat · 22/06/2021 09:24

Not an easy situation OP but I think you're set up for heartache either way - better heartache at 31 with a good decade to find someone who does want kids than heartache at 38 or 39 when he's strung you along a bit longer and you're still in the same boat. I know it's easier said than done, but if you want kids then you need to take action.

MondayYogurt · 22/06/2021 09:25

How old is he? It's really quite cruel to tell a 19 year old for 12 years that something will happen and then to take it away entirely.

At 31 you can definitely meet someone else and have children. My male friend just split from his GF because she doesn't want kids and he does.

You can take control of your life now.

Cam77 · 22/06/2021 09:26

I think it’s quite offensive to suggest that women wait until their thirties because that’s what their friends do.

I just meant its the socially acceptable norm. Though that would have been obvious. Most of us conform or at least try to most important social norms. In the West, women waiting till 30+ to have their first child is completely acceptable, even encouraged. LIkewise for men at 35+ or 40+

Jigglywobbly · 22/06/2021 09:27

@HeartShapedBalloon

I was 34 meeting my second husband, 35 having a baby with him. You've got plenty of time! Dump the asshole.
It really isn’t as straight forward as that. Having been through the mill on this - everyone’s fertility is different. Op could have a fertility check at a clinic to establish things like amh, fsh , how many follicles she has etc to give a bit of confidence but these things can drop every 6 months/year. You really don’t know what your fertility is going to be like . After 35 it drops fast that’s widely known. That’s why it’s important that op makes a decision now