OH no longer wants children

[Lostat30]

Hi

Ive been with my partner 12 years, he initially wanted children "in the future". In the future is now here and he no longer wants them.

Im in my thirties and i feel like my ship has sailed. I am so heartbroken over the future i will never have. I currently feel like i wont get over him and maybe i should just stay and forget children...

Has anyone started over again (sucessfully) in their 30s when they still loved their OH?

You need to find your anger op. This guys has stolen 12 years of your life on a lie. Maybe he genuinely doesn't want kids and wanted to keep hold of you so has lied and told you enough that you wanted to hear to keep you. Sending you the pics of prams etc is so manipulative.

He IS a twat.

@Lostat30

Thank you all for your replies

"The OP could have dealt with this better by setting a timeline, something like "I would like to have a child before I am thirty. If, later, you are not committed to starting a family by then, we need to reconsider our relationship." However, all is not lost. It sounds like she is finally grasping the nettle"

In reply to the comment above - I had this conversation with him and he kept informing me he wanted children but not yet and would get visibly upset informing me how much he loves me, how ill be an amazing mother etc. He would then send me photos of baby things etc, pictures of prams, baby names, nursery ideas etc.

I informed him my cut off was 30. He suggested trying when I turned 30 then backtracked again, well I'm now 31 and still here

I've had the ultimatum conversation a couple times but he gets upset and then I shelve it. It feels impossible to untangle myself right now as 12 years is such a long time, we haven't fell out of love and he is still my best friend. He isn't a twat, i kinda wish he was so leaving him wouldn't feel so hard right now.

He gets upset as it gives him what he wants. You to shut up about babies.

Yes, you do need to leave him.

And yes, he is a twat. A selfish twat who has led you along, hoping the sunk cost fallacy would persuade you to stay. Don't let it.

Leave now whilst you have plenty of time to start afresh.

To be fair to your partner OP it does look like you met when you were 19, in which case I can understand he may not have thought this through. Right now though, if he is still uncertain you do need to consider what you do. If you really want children and he does not, or if he is uncertain then you need to take a clear decision to go. I emphasise this is no one's fault and you can remain friends, but you still need to go and start afresh with someone who shares your desire to start a family. This will be hard. But deep down you know you have to do this.

You're only 31. If you leave now, you still have years to find the right person, to be sure that he's right, and to have kids. Don't panic, you got this!

The one thing I would say is: be very, very careful about him changing his mind. I've seen this happen before. Men who don't want kids change their minds when the woman threatens to leave, go along with the pregnancy and even get caught up in it, fall in love with the child, and for about 20% of them it ends happily ever after

... but the other 80% get bored and resentful when the going gets tough with sleepless nights. They don't enjoy it and throw themselves into work, hobbies, whatever, to avoid family life - often becoming the main breadwinner as a way of dealing with the guilt of being miserable and still providing for family they don't want to be around. And everyone is stuck in this horrible situation for years on end, unless a divorce happens.

@Lostat30

I've no real answer for you, because you're having to choose between the man you love, and a future without children.

I would, however, ask you to consider whether or not your H ever had any intention of having children ? was he deliberately avoiding the discussions/decision because he already knew the answer, but was keeping you there with purposefully 'vague' suggestions of 'maybe', 'one day', 'in the future' etc etc.

If you truly suspected he was perhaps doing this (in retrospect), then how much does his love actually mean putting you first, and ensuring your happiness really ?

If you think he's perhaps been happy to 'string you along' on purpose, then I'd be advising you to leave him and seek a partner who truly loves you, and wouldn't be happy to sacrifice your life dreams/goals for their own selfish reasons.

If you truly love someone, you'd 'set them free' if you knew their goals weren't the same as your own.........................

You can't have an ultimatum conversation "a couple of times", OP.

Those conversations were suggestions, not ultimata. There's no going back from an ultimatum! It is ultimatum time, for sure, if you want to give him one last chance to step up, but you need to build your ultimatum from steel, not plasticine.

An ultimatum is not an invitation to negotiate, nor a suggestion, not a request. I gave my partner an ultimatum (not on the baby issue) and he whined that he had no choice: he had of course; he could take it or leave it. He knew I meant every word and he knew what I wanted was what I'd always wanted and that it was perfectly reasonable to want it. He had a clear take it or leave it choice, and he had a time deadline with a date on it. If I'd given him any wriggle room, we'd still be stuck.

The enraging thing is he's so much happier now and he says I should have given him the ultimatum years ago!

At 31 you are far too young to think your ship has sailed.

If your partner is definitely 'no kids', think seriously about leaving him. You will get over him eventually and meet someone who does want children.

Good luck.

You're 31, still enough time but you will have to move on from this guy which will be hard I'm sure

Draw a line and go. It will be tough but you know you want a child. The life you want is there for you so take that step. Don't let him mess you about any longer.

This relationship is over. Of course it’s hard, you’ve spent all your adult life with this person. But you also have 50 or so years ahead of you, without kids if you stay. Best of luck!

Left a 10 year relationship at 29, met DH 8 months later. Had DS at 35, got married last week. You've got plenty of time, but you do need to leave now, as you want fundamentally different things.

@CallMeNutribullet

You need to find your anger op. This guys has stolen 12 years of your life on a lie. Maybe he genuinely doesn't want kids and wanted to keep hold of you so has lied and told you enough that you wanted to hear to keep you. Sending you the pics of prams etc is so manipulative.

He IS a twat.

I'm so disagreeing with you. This is not about anger, her husband has the right to be ambivalent about having children, and to finally say no. It's his decision.

It's up to the OP to make her own when she knows now her husband doesn't want children. HER decision.

He probably thought he would want kids in the future because society gives us the idea that's what will happen. I wouldn't be holding anger that he misled you. None of us can know the future. Better he be honest now than go ahead and have kids then regret it like so many have done.
He has his choices and you have yours if you really want kids I'd split up and move on and potentially follow it as a single mom

Oh it is so hard OP; and he is entitled to change his mind (though it does seem like he might have known all along how he feels...). Do any of his friends have children? Or nieces/nephews?

I met my husband when I was 21 & he was 25. He said he "thought" he wanted children, and we kind of lived our lives, went travelling, bought a house, got married etc. For me at 30, it was the obvious and only next step for me in life. When I discussed it with him, he said he "was happy with how things were" and "wasn't sure he wanted them any more". I was in the same position as you, so happy in the relationship but mourning my childless future! After six months of casual discussions here and there, I told him I understood how he felt but that he had to understand I had a body clock that was ticking. We had an awful bitter week of arguments and I said I would leave if he didn't want kids, as it was a deal breaker for me. It was absolutely awful.

He agreed reluctantly. After months of stress, I am now pregnant, he sobs at every scan, constantly sends me links to baby things and is getting the nursery ready on his weekends. He is definitely more excited than me! I know everyone is different but I hope he comes around, for both of your sake! Just wanted to give you reassurance that he has changed his mind once, he might change it again. Big hugs xxx

I'm sorry but you have to firm up your own feelings now. Ultimatums are just that - you don't have more than one.

Obviously having children is exceedingly important to you. If you want them, you need to accept that you won't have them with this man, and move on. I can't pretend it will be easy, but it will be worth it in the long run I hope.

Met my husband at 31. Kids at 35, 37 and 40.

He's not her husband. The man has known very clearly op wants kids for years and has fobbed her off for years, knowing full well that women's fertility has a shelf life. Good men don't do that.

Of course it's ops decision, however I definitely wouldn't recommend sacrificing having kids for someone who could leave you at 45 and impregnate someone else.

@DeeCeeCherry

Future-Faker. 12 years..! He's kept you dangling on a promise all that time.

He's devious. I'd dump him. Never love a man more than you love yourself. You can and will get over him, you'll be devastated at first but if you're afraid to go through the heartbreak stages then in later years with this man you've only sorrow and regret to come.

Sounds as though he was a teenager when they began dating. I wouldn't hold someone to their beliefs about parenting at 19 or 25. He's reached his 30s and now has a better idea of the life he wants. That's not "future faking," it's growing up.

At least he is honest.

@Usernameisgone

Honestly leave. I had a ex very similar. Every year was we will try next year its not right now. 12 years I waited. In the end I left! Aged 33 met a new lovely partner and now we are TTC. Its not to late. But you have to give him a ultimatum and stick with it....

It's terrible to try to persuade and wheedle someone reluctant into parenthood.

Think of the offspring's welfare, not the would-be mother's. It is the offspring whose welfare is at stake.

I suspect he has his head in the sand rather than actively trying to mislead you. That still doesn't get you where you want to be though.

I think at this stage, you're asking him the question the wrong way round. You've asked him to let you know if he knows he doesn't want children. He probably thinks he might do/does want them but not now so he can honestly tell you that it's not that he never wants them.

What you want to know is, having waited and reached (gone past) your deadline, what is stopping him starting to try right now. If there's a genuine reason why now doesn't work but 3 months' time does, that might be fine but if he isn't up for starting now, he needs to be able to explain to you what it is which is stopping him.

You've still got plenty of time but if your OH isn't ready now given the time you've been together then you need to decide if you are happy to wait in the knowledge that he may never be ready either at all............ or with you.

Just break up with him and get on OLD. Stop wasting even more time by giving him brainspace. I bet 100% that he will be married with two kids within a couple of years of you breaking up - men like this never not want kids, they just want kids with someone else. You need to just find someone else.

@DancyNancy

He probably thought he would want kids in the future because society gives us the idea that's what will happen. I wouldn't be holding anger that he misled you. None of us can know the future. Better he be honest now than go ahead and have kids then regret it like so many have done. He has his choices and you have yours if you really want kids I'd split up and move on and potentially follow it as a single mom

Exactly.

Though I can't condone deliberately being a single parent. Kids deserve better.

I'm sorry OP, it's crappy and he really should have given more thought to his actual feelings rather than just keep pushing it back.

You need to make a call sooner rather than later. 31 is young enough to meet someone new and have a baby. 39 less so.

Just leave. Otherwise it will be too late and you will end up resenting him eventually.

Plenty of fishies in the sea. As a PP said, never love anyone more than you love yourself.