Want a different life to my husband

[Victoria2220]

I just feel like writing down what is going on with me and seeing if there is any advice out there.

I have been married 4 years, together for 14 years. Assumed we would have children and a "normal" family life. I fell pregnant last year immediately after coming off the pill. I surprised myself by feeling absolutely distraught by being pregnant, I just hated it and regretted what I had done. DH admitted deep down he also didn't want a baby so I had an abortion. It was idiotic, stupid and so regretful. Worse time of my life.

A year on I have come to terms with the fact that i dont want children and will have a childfree life. I therefore want to live a free life, full of other joys and adventures. I have the money to do so.

Trouble is DH wants an entirely different life. He wants to stay in and watch TV or play sport. He plays sport all weekend and point blank refuses to do anything else. We never do anything in the evenings because he is tired from sport.He insists on sitting in front of TV all evening and refused to have dinner in the garden with me even once when the weather was nice.

He refuses to see my family because he doesn't enjoy their company, so I always have to see them on my own which makes me feel so sad and embarrassed. He hasn't seen my mum in 4 years and she lives 15 minutes away.

I can't have any friends or family round to the house because he doesn't like the disturbance. I always have to go out to see people.

Last night I said I would like to do something nice for our wedding anniversary and the look on his face, like I had asked him to do something disgusting. He made it very clear he couldn't think of anything worse. I went upstairs and sobbed for hours.

This is not the life I want. I would like the occasional weekend away, a date night once in a blue moon. I can't even tear him away from the TV to sit in the garden with me. I have a boring, quiet, sad life. I don't have children, i should be living a little.

I am not at all afraid to leave him and live alone. In fact, i'm excited! I can invite a friend round for a glass of wine or a BBQ. I might one day meet someone who isn't repulsed at the idea of going out to dinner with me.

I am however very sad, as i do love him.

I just needed to tell someone. I am not ready to tell friends and family just yet, but I will soon. I also have a good counsellor.

Thanks for listening.

Changing is not a bad thing. It’s a positively necessary part of human evolution.
Relationships change. People change. This is not bad.

Thank you everyone. I have been in floods of tears all day. But strangely I feel really strong and clear in my head. I don't know what happened but I am suddenly crystal clear in what I need to do. It's so liberating.

One huge thing for me that I am worried about is my two beautiful doggies who I love so so much. He will want them and so do I. My heart is breaking into a million pieces thinking about losing my two girls, my little heartbeats at my feet.

@bendmeoverbackwards

Women are not rehab centres for other people

What a depressing statement. Nor are men. Nor are anyone. But a marriage/partnership is about being there for each other through thick and thin. Getting through illness or tough times together.

I can now see why the divorce rate is so high. No-one wants to put time and effort into their marriage. People think life is better without their partner and whilst sometimes it is, sometimes it's not.

OP regarding your dh's agitation to noise/disturbance, this is a very real thing for some people. My dd has misophonia, it was so bad she couldn't eat any meals with us for 2 years. Her hearing is super sensitive and she can hear noise from downstairs when she's in her room and it's highly upsetting for her. She can't help it so we have to work round it.

You can't just 'get over' noise sensitivity, for some people noise is physically painful.

So, in summary, the OP is expected to bend over backwards (apt username!) to accommodate her husband's quirks and desire for control, but her husband isn't expected to make any adjustments at all?

She must never invite her friends to her own home, and must put up with this for the sake of the sacred marriage, but he can live his life exactly as he chooses, making no concessions for her?

Have I got that right?

@Victoria2220

Thank you everyone. I have been in floods of tears all day. But strangely I feel really strong and clear in my head. I don't know what happened but I am suddenly crystal clear in what I need to do. It's so liberating.

One huge thing for me that I am worried about is my two beautiful doggies who I love so so much. He will want them and so do I. My heart is breaking into a million pieces thinking about losing my two girls, my little heartbeats at my feet.

Now imagine if you had children with him then!

Good luck

If he hasn’t changed and always been like this, then it may be difficult for him to grasp. However fact he looked so disgusted when you mentioned celebrating anniversary would indicate he may not be very sad about the news.

Good luck

if you do in fact use loaded language like this or believe in it, then how about the fact that he promised to 'love, honour and cherish' her and is doing none of that.

I'm so glad people are no longer forced to remain in toxic, awful relationships because of someone else's idea of morality.

Well said!

'For better for worse' is bullshit. Domestic violence or drug abuse would be 'worse', are women expected to stay and put up with that?

Funny how it's always the woman being asked to compromise her happiness for the sake of the vows, and not the man. He vowed to care for her, but doesn't even want to have a nice meal to celebrate their anniversary. He won't even let her invite her friends to her own home FFS!

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

if you do in fact use loaded language like this or believe in it, then how about the fact that he promised to 'love, honour and cherish' her and is doing none of that.

I'm so glad people are no longer forced to remain in toxic, awful relationships because of someone else's idea of morality.

Well said!

'For better for worse' is bullshit. Domestic violence or drug abuse would be 'worse', are women expected to stay and put up with that?

Funny how it's always the woman being asked to compromise her happiness for the sake of the vows, and not the man. He vowed to care for her, but doesn't even want to have a nice meal to celebrate their anniversary. He won't even let her invite her friends to her own home FFS!

Completely agree.

I do not agree with the giving up and leaving him.
In a relationship we must be free.. that means that each individual should be allowed to have his/her own passions and does not mean that the other one should follow them. Of course it is great when that happens but that doesn't mean things should finish.

My husband and I have different hobbies plus I am an introvert and he's an extrovert but the relationship doesn't force us to change, we remained the same people as before plus we love and respect each other. If he doesn't want to go out and and the same time doesn't interfere with you going out by yourself then what is stopping you?

Like I said, if you work out a compromise to do stuff together, like going out or visiting your relatives together and at the same time let him be how he is then nothing needs to break.

In the end the decision is yours and I wish you best of luck!

I do not agree with the giving up and leaving him.

It's a good thing she didn't ask for anyone's approval. Or advice to compromise her life even more when he's unwilling to do any such. He won't even go out to dinner with her for their anniversary much less go and see her relatives.

Thank you everyone. I have been in floods of tears all day. But strangely I feel really strong and clear in my head. I don't know what happened but I am suddenly crystal clear in what I need to do. It's so liberating.

Perhaps the tears are tears of relief? Or letting go of what you've lost? Or a bit of both?

"Like I said, if you work out a compromise to do stuff together, like going out or visiting your relatives together and at the same time let him be how he is then nothing needs to break."

The point is, there is no compromise to be had. OP has tried. He cannot and will not "go out or visit relatives together", not now, not ever.

There's just no way for OP to "let him be how he is" without being alone in all social engagements or adventures or trips for the rest of her life.

@YerWanIsGettinNotions

"Like I said, if you work out a compromise to do stuff together, like going out or visiting your relatives together and at the same time let him be how he is then nothing needs to break."

The point is, there is no compromise to be had. OP has tried. He cannot and will not "go out or visit relatives together", not now, not ever.

There's just no way for OP to "let him be how he is" without being alone in all social engagements or adventures or trips for the rest of her life.

Yes, this is exactly the problem and the reason I am leaving. There's no alternative.

[quote SarahDarah]**@osbertthesyrianhamster* @CroneAVirus* people freely choose to make those vows to each other. Of course no one knows the future - the whole point of commitment is that it's future facing.No one is forced to marry, and if they were forced, the "marriage" would be invalid anyway.

Naturally people (man or woman) should be held accountable for the vows they themselves freely chose to make. Otherwise what's the point.[/quote]
Agreed @SarahDarah if you don’t want to stick to the vows, don’t get married.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

I do not agree with the giving up and leaving him.

It's a good thing she didn't ask for anyone's approval. Or advice to compromise her life even more when he's unwilling to do any such. He won't even go out to dinner with her for their anniversary much less go and see her relatives.

Won’t or can’t? Without a diagnosis it’s hard to say for sure.

The OP has described her dh as funny and chatty and said they are close. He’s being painted in a pretty bad light!

Won’t or can’t? Without a diagnosis it’s hard to say for sure.

Irrelevant if she isn't happy living like that anymore.

There isn't, Victorian. You need to leave to be happy.

I agree, in the end it's OP's decision.
My point was just that in a relationship is not a rule that we need to do what the other one wants/likes. As long as no abuse is involved and there is still love, attraction and respect then each can have their own hobby. But that is of course just my opinion.

And yes OP if there is absolutely no compromise that can be done then I agree you need to think of yourself and your needs.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

I do not agree with the giving up and leaving him.

It's a good thing she didn't ask for anyone's approval. Or advice to compromise her life even more when he's unwilling to do any such. He won't even go out to dinner with her for their anniversary much less go and see her relatives.

Yes it is a good thing, that's why I also wrote:

In the end the decision is yours and I wish you best of luck!

Luckily I am not Christian and did not promise to stick to my husband for better or for worse. If this level of controlling- could even be called abuse- happens, I am walking out the door.

The thing with marriage vows that include 'until death do us part' and 'for better or worse' is that you have to bear in mind when they were written and why. They are medieval vows so were written when life expectancy was much lower, life was harder, and you were promised some sort of lovely, heavenly after life. Now we know 'till death do us part' might mean 60 years of this shit and you don't want to put up with it. We don't need this as the glue to hold society together.

People will still want or even need to get married, because it brings better legal protection than partnership does. However, there's no particular reason that I can see to stay in a marriage if one or other person is miserable. It's not the 14th century, or the nineteenth century. It's the 21st century. You can have the legal protection of marriage and you can divorce if the marriage is unfixable and you've grown too far apart.

I’ve been in a similar (but not the same) position as you, including having dogs that I adored, ultimately I had to leave as well. Devastated to leave the dogs and mourned for them every day for a year but it got easier. Funnily enough, my ex and I are now the closest of friends - he even came to my wedding.

It was just what I had to do.
Good luck OP

[quote SarahDarah]**@osbertthesyrianhamster* @CroneAVirus* people freely choose to make those vows to each other. Of course no one knows the future - the whole point of commitment is that it's future facing.No one is forced to marry, and if they were forced, the "marriage" would be invalid anyway.

Naturally people (man or woman) should be held accountable for the vows they themselves freely chose to make. Otherwise what's the point.[/quote]
The point is that marriage has important legal connotations and confers some important legal rights cheaply and easily. In fact, you don't have to make any vows other than that you are legally able to marry and you take X as your spouse. All the rest of the vows are not required to enter the legal institute of marriage, which is the entire point for some - to be legally married due to the rights it carries.

@bendmeoverbackwards

The OP has described her dh as funny and chatty and said they are close. He’s being painted in a pretty bad light!

@bendmeoverbackwards but this is mumsnet...sadly a lot of posters aren't satisfied unless they're goading a stranger on the internet to divorce their husband/break up their families for any sort of disagreement. I don't know what's going on in some people's lives that they enjoy doing this. These are real people and real relationships/families here. Things are different if you've taken the step to marry instead of just cohabit with someone.

A lot of them are also hypocritical when genders are reversed. If people shouldn't bother with commitment, what's wrong, for example, with a man divorcing his wife because she's put on weight after having baby and he wants to have sex with a slimmer, different woman? After all she's changed, and his feelings have changed and he deserves to be happy, right? 🙄

A lot of them are also hypocritical when genders are reversed. If people shouldn't bother with commitment, what's wrong, for example, with a man divorcing his wife because she's put on weight after having baby and he wants to have sex with a slimmer, different woman? After all she's changed, and his feelings have changed and he deserves to be happy, right?

None of those changes restrict the spouse or prevent them living a normal life. The OP can't even eat a few minutes later than the required time. He won't go out with her, she can't take him anywhere, she can't share family time with him, he has totally rejected her family and friends. She has no social life with him.

Is astonishing that you're likening that kind of control to a spouse putting on a bit of weight .