Want a different life to my husband

[Victoria2220]

I just feel like writing down what is going on with me and seeing if there is any advice out there.

I have been married 4 years, together for 14 years. Assumed we would have children and a "normal" family life. I fell pregnant last year immediately after coming off the pill. I surprised myself by feeling absolutely distraught by being pregnant, I just hated it and regretted what I had done. DH admitted deep down he also didn't want a baby so I had an abortion. It was idiotic, stupid and so regretful. Worse time of my life.

A year on I have come to terms with the fact that i dont want children and will have a childfree life. I therefore want to live a free life, full of other joys and adventures. I have the money to do so.

Trouble is DH wants an entirely different life. He wants to stay in and watch TV or play sport. He plays sport all weekend and point blank refuses to do anything else. We never do anything in the evenings because he is tired from sport.He insists on sitting in front of TV all evening and refused to have dinner in the garden with me even once when the weather was nice.

He refuses to see my family because he doesn't enjoy their company, so I always have to see them on my own which makes me feel so sad and embarrassed. He hasn't seen my mum in 4 years and she lives 15 minutes away.

I can't have any friends or family round to the house because he doesn't like the disturbance. I always have to go out to see people.

Last night I said I would like to do something nice for our wedding anniversary and the look on his face, like I had asked him to do something disgusting. He made it very clear he couldn't think of anything worse. I went upstairs and sobbed for hours.

This is not the life I want. I would like the occasional weekend away, a date night once in a blue moon. I can't even tear him away from the TV to sit in the garden with me. I have a boring, quiet, sad life. I don't have children, i should be living a little.

I am not at all afraid to leave him and live alone. In fact, i'm excited! I can invite a friend round for a glass of wine or a BBQ. I might one day meet someone who isn't repulsed at the idea of going out to dinner with me.

I am however very sad, as i do love him.

I just needed to tell someone. I am not ready to tell friends and family just yet, but I will soon. I also have a good counsellor.

Thanks for listening.

I've just caught up with this thread and am puzzled by the comments that he must be autistic and therefore incapable of coping with anything he doesn't like. What absolute nonsense. DH is autistic. He would happily never see a living soul except me, DC and his dad. He gave up visiting my family years ago. But he'd never stop me from having people over because it's my home too and socialising makes me happy.

If he is autistic (nothing to say he is) it could help to be very clear and direct with him. Spell out: it's my home too. I want to invite people around when I choose, not only when you are out. That is not always convenient and it is also awkward. You don't have to join us, or socialise but you are capable of smiling and saying 'Hi' then vanishing and it would make me very happy if you did. It makes me very unhappy that you put this restriction on me. Are you aware I am unhappy about it? Now you know will you agree to change it?'

I had to do a fair amount of this sort of step-by-step explanations with DH and sometimes get very firm. Honestly it has improved our lives, our marriage and his happiness. If I had given in to him (which I did for years before I had had enough) we'd have had no DC, no holidays abroad, never moved house, never had any pets. He adores our DC, our cat, our home and our holidays. They have enriched his life. But I had to be the driver on all of them happening.

@Cowbells if you have experience with autism, you’ll be familiar with the phrase ‘If you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met ONE’. What is difficult for one person with autism might be easy for another and vice versa.

The difference is that your dh is diagnosed (I presume). The OP’s dh is not and he may not have autism, it could be something else.

Living with an undiagnosed condition with no support is very stressful. And sensory sensitivity increases when stressed.

It could well be that he might be open to a discussion about compromises. But first he needs to investigate a diagnosis so he can better understand himself and his needs.

There are some shocking attitudes on here.

@osbertthesyrianhamster what an awful ableist post. Lots of autistic people are great parents. Beggars belief 😡😡😡

Not at all. I have a son with autism. I did not say 'all autistic people would be shit parents but referred to him specifically. Beggars belief that stating such a thing when he's not even diagnosed and then say I'm abelist.

We don't even know if this person has autism.

But it doesn't bode well for a parenting to be very rigid in thinking and so controlling, autism or no.

And it's a fact that people with autism have a greater chance of having a child with autism. That's not ableist, that's true. And since it's a spectrum condition, it's impossible to tell what functioning level a person will have until he/she is born and here.

It's an inconvenient truth, but a truth nonetheless.

MN loves an armchair diagnosis, Cowbells.

@osbertthesyrianhamster you talk about autism as of it’s a negative thing. It isn’t always. People think autism = non verbal, needs life long care etc. Lots of autistic people are proud of it and of the wonderful talents that it sometimes brings. In face the D of ASD is being dropped because it’s no longer seen as a disorder. And there are some companies especially in the US that actively seek out autistic people because they look for particular skills.

And I disagree that this people with ‘rigid thinking’ won’t make good parents. We all start parenting life with no skills and adapt as we go. And autistic parents adapt too.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

MN loves an armchair diagnosis, Cowbells.

I’m not diagnosing anything. I’m saying that he has some autistic traits that should be investigated. It could be autism, a personality disorder, something else or nothing. But isn’t it worth looking into if it will help the marriage?

No, you construed it as negative. I stated fact: that if indeed this person even has autism, and this we do not know, and procreates, which it appears they don't want to, it's a fact that there is an increased risk of having a child and no way of knowing if any child might have very high care needs. And honestly, children are not an experiment to see if a person adapts, because quite often enough, NT or neurodivergent, a person does not when kids come on the scene.

I’m not diagnosing anything. I’m saying that he has some autistic traits that should be investigated. It could be autism, a personality disorder, something else or nothing. But isn’t it worth looking into if it will help the marriage?

No, because the OP has stated she no longer wants to be in the marriage. She doesn't to help it, she wants to end it. And ultimately, the looking into needs to come from him. He's an adult. Women are not rehab centres for other people.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

MN loves an armchair diagnosis, Cowbells.

Agree. If a woman had said that she would not allow her husband to have any friends over and she hasn't bothered to make polite conversation with his mother for 4 years, she would be told she is controlling/ lazy, not autistic.

I feel too mortified to invite my mum round when he's out all the time, she will know its because he doesnt want to see her and it makes me feel so embarrassed and I know her feelings are hurt by it. I will have friends round sometimes when he is out, but the more fairweather ones who just stay for a cuppa and then go home. My close friends and I always prefer to have a bottle and put the world to rights, but I have to go to theirs or go out to do that, he gets too agitated by the disturbance and i just feel so worried about it i would rather go out

Potential autism aside, this is no way to live. It sounds lonely and miserable.

My ex husband was a bit like this. He only wanted to do what he wanted to do, mostly sport to an obsessional level, never instigated any social life for both of us but was happy to disappear all day on his own. What I found strange was he wasn't interested in other people at all although spent a lot of time at cricket and then golf. Going anywhere with him was like pulling teeth as he would walk around in silence or passive aggressively delay going out until it was too late. It took him around ten years to even acknowledge my best friend when she came to the house and he would avoid arriving dinner party guests by showering at the last minute. He would try to get them quickly drunk or turn the music up really loud to avoid talking to them. He didn't really want children and had very little to do with our child throughout her childhood. Mine doesn't sound as rigid as your husband but there are similarities with the insular nature of your relationship. I could sense his anxiety about other people although he would never admit it, and like yours, he could spend hours talking on the phone, just no comfortable in person.

What I discovered much later, after much therapy on my own, was that he had a dismissive avoidant personality. He liked having me at home, just couldn't cope with intimacy or having to spend time with me. Do you think he might have the same issues? You end up a virtual prisoner of their way of living. Leaving is the only option and life will be much freer as a result.

Women are not rehab centres for other people

What a depressing statement. Nor are men. Nor are anyone. But a marriage/partnership is about being there for each other through thick and thin. Getting through illness or tough times together.

I can now see why the divorce rate is so high. No-one wants to put time and effort into their marriage. People think life is better without their partner and whilst sometimes it is, sometimes it's not.

OP regarding your dh's agitation to noise/disturbance, this is a very real thing for some people. My dd has misophonia, it was so bad she couldn't eat any meals with us for 2 years. Her hearing is super sensitive and she can hear noise from downstairs when she's in her room and it's highly upsetting for her. She can't help it so we have to work round it.

You can't just 'get over' noise sensitivity, for some people noise is physically painful.

No, you construed it as negative

Where have I done this? @osbertthesyrianhamster?

@Unsure33

My father has been like this all his life . Especially the timings thing .

He has to have his meals at set times . Never would go out anywhere .

Hates strangers in the house .

This has become a problem now my mother has an illness and her needs are different so he cooks two dinners as he does not want his at the same time as hers ( she has care visits)

My mum loves him though and carved out her own life besides his .

Funnily enough I did an on line spectrum test for him and he got a very high score and I was borderline .

I know it does come across as selfishness but it took 3 years to get him to move to more appropriate accommodation. And last week it took 2 hours to get him out of the flat on to a balcony . Because he had other things to do .

When he has a hospital appointment he starts to prepare a week before even what he will wear and get very stressed about timings .

We have lived with him like this all our lives and just thought he was shy .
I don’t know what your answer is . My mum just got on with a different life alongside his because she loves him . But I am not sure if he can change ?

I like this perspective. It's possible to stay with someone difficult simply because you love them. What happened to "For better, for worse"?

Maybe find a best friend (or your sister?) you can go on adventures with so you can continue to enjoy the love and companionship you have with your DH.

I am astounded that you have handed over control of your life to this man.

Your life sounds miserable and he sounds like a house share rather than a husband.

That you have allowed him to control who comes to your home is so awful.

You desperately need counselling to help you understand how controlling this relationship is.

This is a deeply unhealthy relationship.

What happened to For better, for worse?

I think marriage vows like this are such bollocks. It’s too vague, the definition is open too wide to interpretation.

What does ‘worse’ mean? If things start out good and then get worse, how much worse does it have to be before it’s worse enough?

And worse in what way? Falling on hard times kind of worse, sure, you muddle through together as a team.

But worse as in he won’t let her have family or friends to the house? He refuses to go out with her ever? He has no interest in her life outside of him? He refuses to see her parents? Does he need to beat her or cheat on her for it to be worse enough? I don’t think that kind of ‘worse’ is something that should be endured as a consequence of being married.

It’s like ‘in sickness and in health’. Well, what’s the definition of ‘sickness’ here? It would be cruel to leave someone for having the disease of cancer. But alcoholism is also a disease - should you put up with that? What about psychosis? Depression where the sufferer refuses to seek treatment? Hoarding?

Sometimes other people’s sicknesses have a negative impact on those around them. In that case I don’t think people should be held to their marriage vows and forced to put up with it.

It’s sad to lose a relationship with someone you love, despite a multitude of “reasons” why you probably shouldn’t love him.

It’s OK to be sad, you won’t be sad forever I can 100% promise.

Be sad now, get your counsellor, reconcile yourself to the idea that this relationship and part of your life has ran its course.

Allow yourself to grieve the end, don’t force yourself to “move on” before you’re ready. Although, do ensure you can see and feel the steps and progressive you’re steadily making.

By what you’ve said, you’re making the right decision and a life of fun, joy, love and adventure is ahead of you but it’s totally reasonable that you have conflicting feelings about it - we are complicated beings and love is a complex place. Just because he’s a miserable git and you’re not compatible doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to feel both sadness and happiness / relief at the same time.

Good luck OP

But a marriage/partnership is about being there for each other through thick and thin. Getting through illness or tough times together.

To you. To others, nothing is worth being desperately unhappy and miserable. The OP did not ask for advice to stay with this person who is making her life utterly joyless. She just said she needed to tell someone.

And again, not everyone uses the same language to marry. We stuck to the legal language necessary to marry as we don't believe in God or vague, ambiguous promises, or being miserable for years and years with someone.

It might be possible but possible doesn’t mean you should.

There is only one person you have complete accountability to in life and that is yourself. Who wants to lay on their death bed and say “I was bored and sad and lonely and controlled for 1/2 of my life…. But at least I stuck to my word” - martyr much.

It is totally wrong that one persons “quirks” (it’s control but I’m being diplomatic) should ditacte their partners and families lives. If they cannot compromise or change then it’s beyond reasonable that the other people will choose to leave.

You can’t hold someone to ransom over a vow. It’s medieval.

Sorry that was at @NoVegPlease comment

@CroneAVirus

What happened to For better, for worse?

I think marriage vows like this are such bollocks. It’s too vague, the definition is open too wide to interpretation.

What does ‘worse’ mean? If things start out good and then get worse, how much worse does it have to be before it’s worse enough?

And worse in what way? Falling on hard times kind of worse, sure, you muddle through together as a team.

But worse as in he won’t let her have family or friends to the house? He refuses to go out with her ever? He has no interest in her life outside of him? He refuses to see her parents? Does he need to beat her or cheat on her for it to be worse enough? I don’t think that kind of ‘worse’ is something that should be endured as a consequence of being married.

It’s like ‘in sickness and in health’. Well, what’s the definition of ‘sickness’ here? It would be cruel to leave someone for having the disease of cancer. But alcoholism is also a disease - should you put up with that? What about psychosis? Depression where the sufferer refuses to seek treatment? Hoarding?

Sometimes other people’s sicknesses have a negative impact on those around them. In that case I don’t think people should be held to their marriage vows and forced to put up with it.

Very true, Crone, and if you do in fact use loaded language like this or believe in it, then how about the fact that he promised to 'love, honour and cherish' her and is doing none of that.

I'm so glad people are no longer forced to remain in toxic, awful relationships because of someone else's idea of morality.

I think a lot of people have missed that it is the OP who has changed - her husband has always behaved like this and she chose to marry him and commit to him the way he is.

@Victoria2220 you say it's you who's changed. why have you changed? Has the trauma of the abortion been the trigger?

@osbertthesyrianhamster @CroneAVirus people freely choose to make those vows to each other. Of course no one knows the future - the whole point of commitment is that it's future facing.No one is forced to marry, and if they were forced, the "marriage" would be invalid anyway.

Naturally people (man or woman) should be held accountable for the vows they themselves freely chose to make. Otherwise what's the point.

@SarahDarah

I think a lot of people have missed that it is the OP who has changed - her husband has always behaved like this and she chose to marry him and commit to him the way he is.

@Victoria2220 you say it's you who's changed. why have you changed? Has the trauma of the abortion been the trigger?

I have changed because I have reevaluated my life and what I want it to be. I would like a relaxed life with fun, laughter, friends, trips and a welcoming home. These things have now become really important to me because they will now form the centre of my life as I won't be having children. so therefore i want to enjoy life to the full.

This is different to before, where I was happy in my cosy bubble with my husband and our dogs, staying in and making a nice home, yes he was awkward and unsociable but it didn't overly worry me. Now, it upsets me terribly. His behaviour is the same. What i want and how i react to it has changed. The abortion triggered it because it made me realise what i really wanted out of life.

You know, Victoria, that your changing and no longer being happy to stay in this relationship is perfectly valid and you don't need to justify it to randoms or apologise for it. You are free to leave and I would, too (well, I'd have never married someone like this, I like a lot of spontaneity and flexibility in life). You'll probably wonder why you didn't do it sooner. Do see a solicitor. Best of luck in your new life.