Want a different life to my husband

[Victoria2220]

I just feel like writing down what is going on with me and seeing if there is any advice out there.

I have been married 4 years, together for 14 years. Assumed we would have children and a "normal" family life. I fell pregnant last year immediately after coming off the pill. I surprised myself by feeling absolutely distraught by being pregnant, I just hated it and regretted what I had done. DH admitted deep down he also didn't want a baby so I had an abortion. It was idiotic, stupid and so regretful. Worse time of my life.

A year on I have come to terms with the fact that i dont want children and will have a childfree life. I therefore want to live a free life, full of other joys and adventures. I have the money to do so.

Trouble is DH wants an entirely different life. He wants to stay in and watch TV or play sport. He plays sport all weekend and point blank refuses to do anything else. We never do anything in the evenings because he is tired from sport.He insists on sitting in front of TV all evening and refused to have dinner in the garden with me even once when the weather was nice.

He refuses to see my family because he doesn't enjoy their company, so I always have to see them on my own which makes me feel so sad and embarrassed. He hasn't seen my mum in 4 years and she lives 15 minutes away.

I can't have any friends or family round to the house because he doesn't like the disturbance. I always have to go out to see people.

Last night I said I would like to do something nice for our wedding anniversary and the look on his face, like I had asked him to do something disgusting. He made it very clear he couldn't think of anything worse. I went upstairs and sobbed for hours.

This is not the life I want. I would like the occasional weekend away, a date night once in a blue moon. I can't even tear him away from the TV to sit in the garden with me. I have a boring, quiet, sad life. I don't have children, i should be living a little.

I am not at all afraid to leave him and live alone. In fact, i'm excited! I can invite a friend round for a glass of wine or a BBQ. I might one day meet someone who isn't repulsed at the idea of going out to dinner with me.

I am however very sad, as i do love him.

I just needed to tell someone. I am not ready to tell friends and family just yet, but I will soon. I also have a good counsellor.

Thanks for listening.

[TinaTurnoff]

Your relationship may have seemed happy during lockdown because it sounds like that’s the type of life he wants for you as a couple - no obligation to see family, no social outlets, lots of staying at home. It’s depressing, though, and it brings you down. He sounds entrenched in his ways, and stubborn to boot, resistant to the simple, normal things like going out and doing things together. How unfulfilling if you are seeking a freer life to be stuck with a glump who prefers the sofa. Create your own outlets - I did a college course which introduced me to a whole new circle and unexpectedly gave me a huge confidence boost that positively impacted on all areas of my life. Find a new tribe, reconnect with family, get busy planning.

[saltncheese]

It sounds like you've outgrown him.
It's wonderful you are child free and you can leave and start a new chapter.
You can both be really happy then, pursuing your own passions and interests.

[Opentooffers]

I've got an ex BF a bit like this, not quite the same as he doesn't play team sport so less interactive, does lots of gym and swimming. He was ideal in lockdown, as we get on great on our own, but never wants to mix with my family and friends, mixes little with his own. Stick him in front of a random unknown in the street and he will always be up for chat and banter. His issue is social anxiety, but not with strangers, just family and friends. I think it's from past abuse that he's never addressed. Not saying this is your DHs problem, just understand how someone can be great for lockdown, but you can't see long term how it would work. I'm more reserved with strangers, but I love to socialise with family and friends and don't intend to stay in once restrictions are lifted.

[Windmillwhirl]

You ate fundamentally different and that's OK. Go live the life you want. People will think what they like, but your happiness trump's that. Go for it!

[Windmillwhirl]

are trumps

it's early

[Shelddd]

I probably have a different opinion on this than most here will.

If you don't have kids there really is no point in trying to work it out in a marriage/relationship, if you're unhappy just leave. Sounds like you aren't quite compatible in life goals and I don't see the point in your case of compromising. It doesn't seem like you're equally comprising either it's all coming from your side.

I'd probably just get on with it sooner rather than later.

[Quirrelsotherface]

Does he have social anxiety perhaps, or could he be on the spectrum, or both? The having to eat at 7.15 every evening and never wanting to go anywhere could indicate there's something else going on for him. Does he socialise with his sporting team mates? Does he work?

[OutComeTheWolves]

I have a friend who was in a similar situation to you only her dp broke up with her because 'she was always making him do stuff'.

It was horrible for a while then she met someone else online etc etc. What I always remember is a day i randomly ran in to them; dh and I had gone for a meal to a fairly rural country pub and they walked past. It turned out they'd been on a hike. There's no way her old partner would've dreamed of spending a Saturday afternoon hiking in Yorkshire and what struck me at the time was I'd known her and her old partner as a couple for years yet I'd never seen her as happy with him as she was with this random new guy that she'd met just a few weeks previously.

They're married now and have a life that I'm quite envious of - always off on a hike or a stay in an air bnb somewhere. But the change now she's with someone on her wavelength is astonishing.

[tortoiselover100]

LTB

[Victoria2220]

@OutComeTheWolves

I have a friend who was in a similar situation to you only her dp broke up with her because 'she was always making him do stuff'.

It was horrible for a while then she met someone else online etc etc. What I always remember is a day i randomly ran in to them; dh and I had gone for a meal to a fairly rural country pub and they walked past. It turned out they'd been on a hike. There's no way her old partner would've dreamed of spending a Saturday afternoon hiking in Yorkshire and what struck me at the time was I'd known her and her old partner as a couple for years yet I'd never seen her as happy with him as she was with this random new guy that she'd met just a few weeks previously.

They're married now and have a life that I'm quite envious of - always off on a hike or a stay in an air bnb somewhere. But the change now she's with someone on her wavelength is astonishing.

How interesting! The "always making him do stuff" sounds so familiar. I get that complaint a lot - "you always make me to things I don't want to. I would never do that to you."
I told him last night that he will also be happier single. He won't have anyone trying to make him do things, won't that be lovely for him.
That's a lovely story about your friend. I have a secret fantasy about meeting a man after all this who I can go on little adventures with.

[oannic]

I wanted to write that he's an introvert but as you wrote that he doesn't even want to eat dinner with you outside means he just doesn't want to make an effort.
It's normal in relationships to have different hobbies but we also need to make an effort for the loved ones.

I would talk to him and give him options.. one weekend you do what he wants, one weekend what you want. And I might suggest for you to do something by yourself.. go do take dance lessons, make some new friends, go on weekend getaways with girlfriends.

This way you find a compromise with him by doing what he wants and what you want and you also start "living" a bit more.

If he appears repulsed at the suggestion then if I were you I might reconsider if this is how I want to live my life.

Good luck!

[Victoria2220]

I do think there is something along those lines going on with him. He doesn't socialise with him team mates because they all go out to get wasted and DH doesn't drink (hates the taste) and really doesn't like being around drinkers, so he comes straight home after a game whereas they all go to the pub.
He works, he has worked from home for many years and does well for himself. Ironically he spends endless hours and hours, most of the day it seems, chatting with his work colleagues on the phone, he's glued to the phone with them. But he won't meet up with them because of alcohol and they wouldn't stick to his rigid time schedule etc, which would make him really stressed and upset.

[PragmaticWench]

You can love someone but not love the lifestyle they want to have. In a way it's harder to leave in that situation, but staying to live a limited life isn't going to make you happy.

[DinosaurDiana]

You don’t want to waste your life on someone that doesn’t want the same as you.
Just be prepared for the fact that if/when he does move on to another relationship, that might involve him having children, and you need to be prepared for your feelings on that. And your feelings might be different to your thoughts now.

[Tvscreen]

I have been reading your posts OP and just want to say good for you for taking steps to create the life you want and recognising when something isn’t making you happy and working for you. You sound very level headed and fair about the whole thing. I wish you all the very best.

[InTheDrunkTank]

OP it would be a more difficult decision if your DH was a lovely caring person who just wanted different things from life but he sounds like a selfish prick who doesn't care much about you. Rid yourself of him and go for the life you want. Not wanting children means there's no deadline to find someone else you can do all the things you want to do without a partner, and if you find a partner that's great too.

[Dozer]

Loving him isn’t a good reason to stay. His behaviour sounds v difficult - controlling. Would get legal advice and leave asap.

In the meantime would have friends over etc when you like, despite his preferences.

[Standrewsschool]

Your dh sounds a bit like friends of mine. They’re now divorced. He wouldn’t let friends around, didn’t like seeing certain family members etc. He was a bit more sociable than your dh, but also resented doing things. When you met him, he was a charming, affable person, but controlling behind the scenes.

Your dh also sounds controlling, in a passive, understated way.

You know you can’t live like this. Good luck for the future.

[adhdpunchbag]

I agree with your counsellor. Not a personality disorder but probably autistic. Anything outside of the life he has created for himself is seen as a threat and therefore stressful for him. No reason why you can't split up but remain friends but you might struggle to find a way to spend time with him once you are no longer living together as there isn't much you have in common with him.

[Standrewsschool]

@oannic

I wanted to write that he's an introvert but as you wrote that he doesn't even want to eat dinner with you outside means he just doesn't want to make an effort.
It's normal in relationships to have different hobbies but we also need to make an effort for the loved ones.

I would talk to him and give him options.. one weekend you do what he wants, one weekend what you want. And I might suggest for you to do something by yourself.. go do take dance lessons, make some new friends, go on weekend getaways with girlfriends.

This way you find a compromise with him by doing what he wants and what you want and you also start "living" a bit more.

If he appears repulsed at the suggestion then if I were you I might reconsider if this is how I want to live my life.

Good luck!

That’s a good idea. Before you decide to separate, have one last ditched attempt. You say you love him, so it would be a shame if the rest of the marriage is good. If he is unable or reluctant to change/compromise, then the cards are on the table.

[Dozer]

Why would OP making ‘one last effort’ help? When her H is unwilling to change anything at all for her sake, or even eat a meal with her?

[Fooshufflewickjbannanapants]

What @Dozer said!!!! What is to be gained? Go live your life @Victoria2220

[Palaver1]

OP you are both suffering,I can’t imagine how you must both feel.My soon to be ex as I got my financial agreement signed yesterday.
Was like this to a degree.
I can count the times we went out to the cinema or to had a meal .
When we had our daughter with additional needs .
It was very clear he is on the spectrum.
His not as kind as yours is ,here it’s complete silence or complaints.
loves gym doesn’t have friends etc.
I hate him for all this 27 years gone but there is no other happiness than being free to breathe without him.
You and only you can decided on what you want but he will not be able to change much.
Take care

[DoingItMyself]

Goodness gracious. You two are so absolutely incompatible that there's nothing to do here except split up as soon as possible.

Or, as we say on mumsnet, LTB.

(Don't waste another day of your life.)

[WeMarchOn]

I hate saying this as It annoys me when people do BUT i would say he could possibly be autistic.
(I'm autistic btw)