Want a different life to my husband

[Victoria2220]

I just feel like writing down what is going on with me and seeing if there is any advice out there.

I have been married 4 years, together for 14 years. Assumed we would have children and a "normal" family life. I fell pregnant last year immediately after coming off the pill. I surprised myself by feeling absolutely distraught by being pregnant, I just hated it and regretted what I had done. DH admitted deep down he also didn't want a baby so I had an abortion. It was idiotic, stupid and so regretful. Worse time of my life.

A year on I have come to terms with the fact that i dont want children and will have a childfree life. I therefore want to live a free life, full of other joys and adventures. I have the money to do so.

Trouble is DH wants an entirely different life. He wants to stay in and watch TV or play sport. He plays sport all weekend and point blank refuses to do anything else. We never do anything in the evenings because he is tired from sport.He insists on sitting in front of TV all evening and refused to have dinner in the garden with me even once when the weather was nice.

He refuses to see my family because he doesn't enjoy their company, so I always have to see them on my own which makes me feel so sad and embarrassed. He hasn't seen my mum in 4 years and she lives 15 minutes away.

I can't have any friends or family round to the house because he doesn't like the disturbance. I always have to go out to see people.

Last night I said I would like to do something nice for our wedding anniversary and the look on his face, like I had asked him to do something disgusting. He made it very clear he couldn't think of anything worse. I went upstairs and sobbed for hours.

This is not the life I want. I would like the occasional weekend away, a date night once in a blue moon. I can't even tear him away from the TV to sit in the garden with me. I have a boring, quiet, sad life. I don't have children, i should be living a little.

I am not at all afraid to leave him and live alone. In fact, i'm excited! I can invite a friend round for a glass of wine or a BBQ. I might one day meet someone who isn't repulsed at the idea of going out to dinner with me.

I am however very sad, as i do love him.

I just needed to tell someone. I am not ready to tell friends and family just yet, but I will soon. I also have a good counsellor.

Thanks for listening.

The OP has already decided of her own accord that this relationship is over. No one encouraged her. She has made up her mind she is too unhappy to continue in the marriage.

And yes, anyone who is that unhappy should move on because they're also doing their spouse a favour to find someone more suited to him/her.

And again, for some people marriage is simply a legal contract without huge loaded emotional promises and connections.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

Won’t or can’t? Without a diagnosis it’s hard to say for sure.

Irrelevant if she isn't happy living like that anymore.

That’s true, if the OP is sure the marriage is over that’s fair enough. But to paint her dh as some awful selfish person who MAY have an undiagnosed condition is awful.

@saraclara

A lot of them are also hypocritical when genders are reversed. If people shouldn't bother with commitment, what's wrong, for example, with a man divorcing his wife because she's put on weight after having baby and he wants to have sex with a slimmer, different woman? After all she's changed, and his feelings have changed and he deserves to be happy, right?

None of those changes restrict the spouse or prevent them living a normal life. The OP can't even eat a few minutes later than the required time. He won't go out with her, she can't take him anywhere, she can't share family time with him, he has totally rejected her family and friends. She has no social life with him.

Is astonishing that you're likening that kind of control to a spouse putting on a bit of weight .

The point is that if , one doesn’t believe marriage is a commitment ( which is the view of these other posters), everything is therefore subjective. There's no right or wrong. If marriage shouldn't be a commitment, who's to say a husband in that scenario is wrong to divorce because his wife put on weight? If his wife's weight is making him unhappy, why can't he leave his marriage?

Who's saying he can't get a divorce, Sarah. He's not happy, he'll make her miserable, too, by staying. No one should be shackled for life to a person who makes them miserable.

@SarahDarah I very much agree with you.
It easy to judge when you hear only one part of the story.. of course I would tell people only what I want to tell.. we never read the other side in order to really make a full picture... and even then you can never know a dynamic in a relationship.

@SarahDarah, I have an issue with your idea of commitment.
Being committed doesn’t mean you should accept anything and everything.

Tbh I actually feel quite strongly about telling people like the OP it’s ok to leave BECAUSE I’ve done the commitment/until death us do part in my marriage and it was a disaster.
Being ‘committed to my marriage’ only served to reinforce a martyr mentality. It made me feel I never had a reason good enough to leave. It made me ill. And tbh made a good 15 years in my life much harder than it needed to be.
When you arrive at the point where your lifes are taking such different paths, trying to suck it up/compromise etc… just leads to resentment, unhappiness and divorce later down the line.

That’s very different than putting on weight from pg tbh.
But even if you equate putting weight on with some life changing illness/accident, I believe it’s still ok to say ‘that’s enough’ when it means the impact on your life isn’t acceptable anymore.
Yes I always saw myself as someone who would step up. But sometimes that stepping up is actually asking too much. It’s ok to acknowledge that and move on.

[quote oannic]@SarahDarah I very much agree with you.
It easy to judge when you hear only one part of the story.. of course I would tell people only what I want to tell.. we never read the other side in order to really make a full picture... and even then you can never know a dynamic in a relationship.[/quote]
That much is obvious. Even though you could argue that some situations are quite clear cut (eg DV).

I personally would never expect someone to leave their LT partner because MN said so.
What most people get is someone independent to confirm what they knew already. Which is that they don’t need permission from anyone to leave an unhappy relationship. That it’s not shameful. They don’t have to feel deeply guilty etc…

@KeepingTrack I agree with you but it still MN.. you wouldn't believe how many people actually follow the advice.. and mostly the one that says what you already believe (or want). I mean we all do this... if I believe in something I will search only sites that agree with me.

What I do find good is that many times the opinions are different, which might help OP to really think things through.

I believe that marriage is a commitment. It's a legal contract after all.

But I also believe that you can choose to end that commitment if it is making you unhappy to continue.

I work for a living. I have signed a contract, which commits me to working certain hours, on tasks which my employer can set based upon business need. But if my work was making me unhappy, or my employer's behaviour was unreasonable, or even if I just got a better offer, I could leave and go elsewhere. I'd have to work my notice etc, but that is the extent of my obligation.

A marriage is a commitment, yes. But that doesn't mean that it's an irreversible decision which you must stick with no matter how unhappy it makes you.

I wonder about the normal family life you wanted and the fact that you " fell pregnant"

This seems at the core if it .

The OP was pretty clear about how she got pregnant. She came off the pill. I dont think it's fair to imply she's abdicated responsibility on that front.

She had unprotected sex and then realised it was a horrible mistake.
I feel this was a turning point.

If you are unhappy, there is no point in staying

He won't change

You can change things for the better by leaving

Then do OP. Run and scream. You don't owe him an explanation. You're not happy. That's as simple as it needs to be. Don't waste another moment. You made the right choice not to have a baby with this man. It would have been a complete nightmare.

Wishing you the best of luck OP, it's never easy ending a relationship knowing you will hurt someone but I think you are doing the right thing. You can still achieve a full and happy life.

The look of disgust your husband gave you when you suggested celebrating the anniversary

Has he always been like that?

Being ‘committed to my marriage’ only served to reinforce a martyr mentality

I don't think it's about being a martyr. Overcoming problems in a relationship can be enormously rewarding for both parties. Of course both parties would want the marriage to work and be prepared to put in work and compromise. Sometimes a marriage ends up being stronger than ever.

I've heard of marriages surviving infidelity. For many people, myself included, this would be a deal breaker but I've read about people rebuilding their marriage after an affair with the result of the relationship being stronger.

Marriages/partnerships DO go through phases. A bad phase doesn't always have to mean the end.

OP, I can understand the desire to have a life.

I was with an abusive man for 30 years. That aside, he was somewhat similar to your husband.

He had no life apart from a hobby one night a week. Expected that our days off would always coincide, and we would do everything together. Didn't like my family much, and huffed for Britain if I dared invite someone to the house. Wanted dinner at 6:30 every evening, could never have it later.

Wouldn't allow me to have a drum kit, even with space in the garage and practice pads to muffle the sound. Would never have supported me doing anything if it involved money.

I felt stifled, or smothered, and I finally left with the DC 4 years ago.

I can do what I want, the DC are cheering me on. They refused to see their dad, he abused them too.

But I am not the person I was when we left. I'm growing even in my early 50s. I have a drum kit and finally learning to play. I am doing an Access course and will be applying to uni for next year. I am planning a small break alone next year, planning on going to festivals, and so much more.

Meanwhile, my ex was devastated, he'd assumed that because he was happy, we should have all been happy. He died last year, natural causes, so I no longer need to look over my shoulder.

Go ahead and look forwards to that new life.

@Sometimesfraught82

The look of disgust your husband gave you when you suggested celebrating the anniversary

Has he always been like that?

No, that's new. I think I hung on all these years because we could still do things just the two of us. Now that is gone too...what's the point.

Op your dh sounds insufferable. I am an introvert and I felt suffocated reading your posts. You have given this man 14 years of living the way he wants you to, you have paid your dues to this marriage! Go out and live your life. I find it baffling that he participates in a very social hobby like soccer but has cut off from everything sociable related to you- he is utterly selfish. You are financially secure, have a good circle of friends and family - go out and make the most of it. And yes 14 years ago you chose him - but people grow and learn with time. You are allowed to change your mind as you grow. Please you have given this 14 years, time to move on.

@Victoria2220 how has it gone?? You okay?

Sounds like leaving him is for the best. Deciding to not have kids and spending your life at home is not the life you want! I'm with you op, enjoy the perks of not having children... Meals out, holidays etc!

He sounds absolutely awful. Selfish and unwilling to compromise or do anything to make you happy.

Are you sure that it's kids you don't want or just kids with him/to be tied to him forever. I think he would have been an awful father.

Did you leave Op @Victoria2220 ? Hope you are doing really well and enjoying life!

Yes I'd love to know if she got out too, she deserves so much more x