Want a different life to my husband

[Victoria2220]

I just feel like writing down what is going on with me and seeing if there is any advice out there.

I have been married 4 years, together for 14 years. Assumed we would have children and a "normal" family life. I fell pregnant last year immediately after coming off the pill. I surprised myself by feeling absolutely distraught by being pregnant, I just hated it and regretted what I had done. DH admitted deep down he also didn't want a baby so I had an abortion. It was idiotic, stupid and so regretful. Worse time of my life.

A year on I have come to terms with the fact that i dont want children and will have a childfree life. I therefore want to live a free life, full of other joys and adventures. I have the money to do so.

Trouble is DH wants an entirely different life. He wants to stay in and watch TV or play sport. He plays sport all weekend and point blank refuses to do anything else. We never do anything in the evenings because he is tired from sport.He insists on sitting in front of TV all evening and refused to have dinner in the garden with me even once when the weather was nice.

He refuses to see my family because he doesn't enjoy their company, so I always have to see them on my own which makes me feel so sad and embarrassed. He hasn't seen my mum in 4 years and she lives 15 minutes away.

I can't have any friends or family round to the house because he doesn't like the disturbance. I always have to go out to see people.

Last night I said I would like to do something nice for our wedding anniversary and the look on his face, like I had asked him to do something disgusting. He made it very clear he couldn't think of anything worse. I went upstairs and sobbed for hours.

This is not the life I want. I would like the occasional weekend away, a date night once in a blue moon. I can't even tear him away from the TV to sit in the garden with me. I have a boring, quiet, sad life. I don't have children, i should be living a little.

I am not at all afraid to leave him and live alone. In fact, i'm excited! I can invite a friend round for a glass of wine or a BBQ. I might one day meet someone who isn't repulsed at the idea of going out to dinner with me.

I am however very sad, as i do love him.

I just needed to tell someone. I am not ready to tell friends and family just yet, but I will soon. I also have a good counsellor.

Thanks for listening.

Marriages being happy/unhappy - it’s not as binary as that. There is no perfect marriage or perfect partner. All marriages have ups and downs and go through different phases. It takes work and commitment. This is what marriage means, you work through problems together not jump ship when things don’t go as you’d like.

If the OP left and met someone new without these ‘problems’ there may well be different issues or points of incompatibility.

You’re allowed to leave a relationship if it’s no longer working for you. No matter if your partner has autism or any other disability - you don’t have to martyr yourself to it and make yourself miserable.

Oh yes get rid. He adds nothing to your life and you will be so much happier without him in it.

What a miserable git refusing to eat outside when the weather has been so lovely of late!

Whether he is autistic or not, there is no reason whatsoever that you shouldn't be free to live the life you want. You need to stand firm and demand it for yourself.

If he doesn't want to socialise or go out, that's fine, but you should be free to do so without him. You should not be prevented from inviting friends round - he can go to a different room if he must. You should be able to go on trips and holidays without him, pursue your interests without him.

If he is resistant to you having that freedom, you don't really have any choice but to leave. I think a frank conversation is needed with him, so that you both know where you stand.

@bendmeoverbackwards

Marriages being happy/unhappy - it’s not as binary as that. There is no perfect marriage or perfect partner. All marriages have ups and downs and go through different phases. It takes work and commitment. This is what marriage means, you work through problems together not jump ship when things don’t go as you’d like.

If the OP left and met someone new without these ‘problems’ there may well be different issues or points of incompatibility.

What about if she left and pursued a happy single life, doing all the things she wants?

Marriage isn't obligatory.

Go and have your adventures, you have only one life, enjoy it.

You know what you want and you have the means to do it, get out there and live life while you can.

Marriages being happy/unhappy - it’s not as binary as that. There is no perfect marriage or perfect partner. All marriages have ups and downs and go through different phases. It takes work and commitment. This is what marriage means, you work through problems together not jump ship when things don’t go as you’d like.

I'm afraid that I have had a similar response. It sounds as though he'd have been a great father and DH had they had children, but it's the OP who has moved the goal posts.

People change and want different things from life and relationships end. That's fine, but because of this I would never vow or otherwise commit to someone for life, so I have never got married.

Marriage isn't obligatory. but she did choose to marry. I'm not saying OP should stay in an unhappy marriage, it sounds as though she will be much happier without him (not so sure about him!). I just think that the wedding gets emphasised, but the marriage is never thought through.

it's the OP who has moved the goal posts

No she didn't. She says that "DH admitted deep down he also didn't want a baby". That seems pretty clear to me - neither of them want kids.

but she did choose to marry

And she's free to change her mind. I'm all for marriage when it enhances the lives of both halves of the couple. But if one half of the couple is having their life and freedom severely restricted, that isn't a compromise worth making. Nobody signs up to that with their marriage vows.

@BertramLacey

How interesting! The "always making him do stuff" sounds so familiar. I get that complaint a lot - "you always make me to things I don't want to. I would never do that to you."

But he does make you do things. He makes you eat indoors. He makes you stay at home with him. He makes you eat at the same time everyday. As an introvert I sometimes need to do nothing. At that point nothing is something, because it's what I need to do. That's what he's inflicting on you. He is altering your behaviour, therefore he is making you do something.

I completely agree with you. This is something I really struggle to get him to understand. As far as he's concerned, I am free to do whatever I want, I don't have to eat the same time as him if I don't want to, I can go outside whenever I want, I can go away places with my friends. He doesn't understand why I can't be happy doing all these things without him and just leave him indoors in peace. He feels like I am constantly pressuring him to do things he is "uncomfortable" with and why can't I just leave him be. So now, that's exactly what I've decided to do.

I didn't read this properly and now see that he won't allow you to have your friends over, and he hasn't seen your mom for 4 years even though she is close. I would get rid, autistic or not. This is no life.

No she didn't. She says that "DH admitted deep down he also didn't want a baby". That seems pretty clear to me - neither of them want kids.

I'm reading it as she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. Now it's changed to, "I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him now we've decided not to have children". He wants to stay together.

...I'm all for marriage when it enhances the lives of both halves of the couple. But if one half of the couple is having their life and freedom severely restricted, that isn't a compromise worth making. Nobody signs up to that with their marriage vows.

Well, technically, it's exactly what people are signing up for. That's literally what marriage is.

But I do agree @BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand, OP should cut her losses and move on.

@MareofBeasttown

I didn't read this properly and now see that he won't allow you to have your friends over, and he hasn't seen your mom for 4 years even though she is close. I would get rid, autistic or not. This is no life.

Yes, this is one of the things that makes me most unhappy. I also hate the way it makes other people feel, like he hates them and they don't understand why. He doesn't hate them, he just struggles to engage with a lot of people so just wants them kept well away from him. It makes things so awkward for me and I feel so sad always going to family things on my own.

Just popping along to say well done, OP, for recognising all these things! And please be brave in following through with ending the relationship and going and finding your future happiness. I did!

The two nights after The Conversation, we stayed apart, and I think that was a big part in making it “stick”. I think if we’d had to go to bed together the next night I might have crumbled. I felt like doing so multiple times in the weeks afterwards when we had to remain living together! But those first two nights, letting the decision and the new reality sink in, were really useful I think.

I left a lovely man behind, but my life is so much more FULL now!

So I have always done my own thing (my DH is autistic) and as I said we have been together 20+ years. Sometimes when DH has a social event he needs support with I will go with him. But he’s happiest on his own with a VERY small group of friends (not even in double digits). It’s always worked very well.
As I said before DH is ferociously clever and hugely professionally successful (he’s a primary care physician and does science alongside it- he’s won some big awards for his work where we live in the US). This means he has to interact socially quite a bit and this makes him anxious. I am happy to be the person who cuts him all the slack.
In return when he’s with me he’s kind and chatty and funny and very good company.

To me it’s not that he hates anybody- it’s that he hates the small talk and the socialising. He’s an incredibly empathetic physician who works in a very difficult community setting for our city’s public health department. And yes so I suppose he does want ‘people kept well away from him’ in his downtime to use the OP’s language. But I see that as his need for quiet time. As with the OP’s DH he’s happy for me to have people around- he will sometimes go off on his own if it gets too much. I never apologise for this- it’s what he needs as an autistic person and I never apologise for his autism. It is who he is. I am also not embarrassed. I just say ‘X needs to step away for a bit.’ And my friends are fully on board with this (and if they judge him then bollocks to them really).

I don’t mind going to family things on my own- and now we have kids I take them. Again, I guess because this is the only version of DH I know, it works for us.

If it doesn’t work for you then please do walk away. It is very hard being in a relationship with a non NT person and it takes a thick skin (ie not to take stuff personally) and a lot of communication. But if this is not making you happy, you should strike out on your own, absolutely.

That's literally what marriage is.

That's not what my marriage is. My life and freedom are not restricted by being with my DH. We both support each other to enjoy our lives to the fullest we can.

What a bizarre statement to make!

I think it might be good to point out to him that his problems may be down to autism before you leave him, as it's going to be quite a shock for him.

I think it was his reaction to my suggestion that the two of us do something nice together for our anniversary that was the final straw for me. Over the years I suppose I have accepted that he doesn't do parties, socialising, drinking etc. And there have been many years where I just accepted that's who he is and I love him anyway. However, I was really hoping he would be OK doing something just the 2 of us, but even that was too much for him, which made me lose all hope.

Now I can see the next 40 years stretched out like this, with no kids, nothing changing, and quite suddenly I just want to run away screaming.

Wait and be amazed by how many people stand up to applaud you, and ask why you didn't do it years ago!

I think in earlier years, when I just assumed we would have a family, before I realised my true feelings about having children, I thought i'd picked a great man. Dependable, reliable, trustworthy, organised, clean and tidy, does more than his fair share around the house. I was happy I had a reliable one while my friends couldn't get their husbands out of the pub. I didn't think too much about the downsides. Now, that's all I can see.

Good luck OP x

@Victoria2220

I think it was his reaction to my suggestion that the two of us do something nice together for our anniversary that was the final straw for me. Over the years I suppose I have accepted that he doesn't do parties, socialising, drinking etc. And there have been many years where I just accepted that's who he is and I love him anyway. However, I was really hoping he would be OK doing something just the 2 of us, but even that was too much for him, which made me lose all hope.

Now I can see the next 40 years stretched out like this, with no kids, nothing changing, and quite suddenly I just want to run away screaming.

And you do not need to justify that to anyone, to apologise for it or to feel guilty about that. AT ALL. It all makes you desperately unhappy. So leave. Only you can make yourself happy, but you can't do it living like this and with someone with whom you are totally incompatible.

See a solicitor today. Don't look back.