Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Want a different life to my husband

252 replies

Victoria2220 · 16/06/2021 19:30

I just feel like writing down what is going on with me and seeing if there is any advice out there.

I have been married 4 years, together for 14 years. Assumed we would have children and a "normal" family life. I fell pregnant last year immediately after coming off the pill. I surprised myself by feeling absolutely distraught by being pregnant, I just hated it and regretted what I had done. DH admitted deep down he also didn't want a baby so I had an abortion. It was idiotic, stupid and so regretful. Worse time of my life.

A year on I have come to terms with the fact that i dont want children and will have a childfree life. I therefore want to live a free life, full of other joys and adventures. I have the money to do so.

Trouble is DH wants an entirely different life. He wants to stay in and watch TV or play sport. He plays sport all weekend and point blank refuses to do anything else. We never do anything in the evenings because he is tired from sport.He insists on sitting in front of TV all evening and refused to have dinner in the garden with me even once when the weather was nice.

He refuses to see my family because he doesn't enjoy their company, so I always have to see them on my own which makes me feel so sad and embarrassed. He hasn't seen my mum in 4 years and she lives 15 minutes away.

I can't have any friends or family round to the house because he doesn't like the disturbance. I always have to go out to see people.

Last night I said I would like to do something nice for our wedding anniversary and the look on his face, like I had asked him to do something disgusting. He made it very clear he couldn't think of anything worse. I went upstairs and sobbed for hours.

This is not the life I want. I would like the occasional weekend away, a date night once in a blue moon. I can't even tear him away from the TV to sit in the garden with me. I have a boring, quiet, sad life. I don't have children, i should be living a little.

I am not at all afraid to leave him and live alone. In fact, i'm excited! I can invite a friend round for a glass of wine or a BBQ. I might one day meet someone who isn't repulsed at the idea of going out to dinner with me.

I am however very sad, as i do love him.

I just needed to tell someone. I am not ready to tell friends and family just yet, but I will soon. I also have a good counsellor.

Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
FunMcCool · 17/06/2021 12:26

Will this come as a shock to him?

khakiandcoral · 17/06/2021 12:30

We are all different, but frankly someone allergic to socialising, travelling and "active" in the most general way would not be a great father anyway.

But some posters on this forum have never been happier than during the lockdowns as staying home pottering around without seeing anyone is their idea of a dream life!

You just find to need someone compatible really.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 17/06/2021 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ivfgottwins · 17/06/2021 12:35

It was idiotic, stupid and so regretful. Worse time of my life.

The way you describe having your abortion suggests that you actually did want the baby and do want children? Also the fact you are still in counselling a year later?

Could this be a subconscious realisation that actually you don't want the same things and actually decades stretching out infront of you building your life solely around this man isn't what you want?

osbertthesyrianhamster · 17/06/2021 12:35

@khakiandcoral

We are all different, but frankly someone allergic to socialising, travelling and "active" in the most general way would not be a great father anyway.

But some posters on this forum have never been happier than during the lockdowns as staying home pottering around without seeing anyone is their idea of a dream life!

You just find to need someone compatible really.

True.
MareofBeasttown · 17/06/2021 12:45

I am wondering if my DH is autistic now. Or just old and tired:)

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 17/06/2021 12:45

I can't have any friends or family round to the house

This is the absolute clincher for me - regardless of the reason (autism or something else), you are living under a horrible level of control and restriction because of your DH. This isn't ok, and unless he's willing to change his behaviours, you don't really have a choice but to leave.

I can't even imagine not being able to invite my friends/family to my own home.

CookPassBabtridge · 17/06/2021 12:46

This was always a point of resentment for me but in the last year DP has learnt that he wants to enjoy life too. But I do feel it's generally a man/woman thing. In my experience men are more happy to stay in with their hobbies and be alone, not have a fuss, not have to get ready etc. They have their life partner, they don't have to make the effort anymore. Women want to live and experience new things, go out and have fun.. escape the dullness of everyday life, have things to look forward to, dress up occasionally.. and oh god I hate this phrase.. but "make memories" 😂😂

Original poster
Victoria2220 · 17/06/2021 12:47

@ivfgottwins

It was idiotic, stupid and so regretful. Worse time of my life.

The way you describe having your abortion suggests that you actually did want the baby and do want children? Also the fact you are still in counselling a year later?

Could this be a subconscious realisation that actually you don't want the same things and actually decades stretching out infront of you building your life solely around this man isn't what you want?

No I didn't want the baby. I just felt absolutely awful as I was a 36 year old married woman, financially secure, having unprotected sex and only when I got pregnant did I realise it's not what I wanted. I just felt like the most stupid, irresponsible moron. I felt like I should be having kids, not sure why as my family don't pressure me. I guess I thought I would be missing out on something incredible if I didn't. But when I fell pregnant, I just felt like I had ruined my own life. I hated it. I don't even think it had much to do with DH.

But it has made me look at my life and what it is going to be like now, just the 2 of us forever. And i can't bear it.

OP posts:
BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 17/06/2021 12:49

And please ignore the posters accusing you of moving the goalposts, or justifying it because he 'would have been a great father', or saying that living with this level of control is a prerequisite of being married. They are talking absolute bollocks.

If I am inviting people round to my home, I obviously do my DH the courtesy of checking that the date suits us both, but that's it.

Love isn't enough. You need to be happy as well.

Original poster
Victoria2220 · 17/06/2021 12:51

I also felt terrible ticking time bomb fear about losing my fertility, so I thought we should just try. I think deep down i thought perhaps I wouldn't get pregnant because I suppose things I read made 36 sound very old to start a family, and i know so many couples struggling with infertility, i thought i'd be one of them. Getting pregnant immediately was a massive shock, but it shouldn't have been. The whole thing was so stupid.

OP posts:
BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 17/06/2021 12:51

One thing I'm interested in... you say He plays sport all weekend and point blank refuses to do anything else

Is this a team sport, or a solo one?

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 17/06/2021 12:53

Just saw that it's football. So he'll happily adjust his misanthropic tendencies in order to pursue his own hobby, but to allow his wife to have friends round?

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 17/06/2021 12:53

^ but NOT to allow

Unsure33 · 17/06/2021 12:55

@Tal45

One of the better posts .

I agree with my father we always made excuses for him and never pushed him at all . But now when I see him in a total panic if a carer changes their time of calling or if an appointment gets changed or if he can’t find a certain piece of clothing to wear I wish we had have pushed him more in the past . We all as a family just made our own lives and let him live how he could . Now looking back at it I do feel sorry for him .

Original poster
Victoria2220 · 17/06/2021 13:01

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

I can't have any friends or family round to the house

This is the absolute clincher for me - regardless of the reason (autism or something else), you are living under a horrible level of control and restriction because of your DH. This isn't ok, and unless he's willing to change his behaviours, you don't really have a choice but to leave.

I can't even imagine not being able to invite my friends/family to my own home.

I agree. His response to this point is that I can have people round when he's not in, so on Saturday afternoons when he's at football, for example. But I feel too mortified to invite my mum round when he's out all the time, she will know its because he doesnt want to see her and it makes me feel so embarrassed and I know her feelings are hurt by it. I will have friends round sometimes when he is out, but the more fairweather ones who just stay for a cuppa and then go home. My close friends and I always prefer to have a bottle and put the world to rights, but I have to go to theirs or go out to do that, he gets too agitated by the disturbance and i just feel so worried about it i would rather go out.
OP posts:
MareofBeasttown · 17/06/2021 13:04

I also think women don't have the option of opting out of basic societal obligations. I had to be social when my kids were young so they could make friends. I don't think mothers get the luxury of saying "Oh well I can't people any more."

Now they are older, I am social with my mom and her sisters and the wider network of family and friends. I don't mind actually because I think people who rely completely on their spouses are buggered if the spouse dies or leaves them. No man or woman is an island.

ivfgottwins · 17/06/2021 13:06

@Victoria2220

Just the two of us forever. And I can't bear it?

that is what being childfree and in a relationship means though? So there is some realisation (and fear?) that you have committed to this childfree life with him particularly?

In which case I would end the relationship? You will end up resenting him for not giving you the exciting childfree life you had planned or you will resent him for not being supportive through your fears about having a baby when you did get pregnant and deciding to keep it? Either way I think the relationship is over. You've been together 14 years.....he isn't going to change now

Mayhemmumma · 17/06/2021 13:16

It sounds like you want out but from another perspective, if you really love HIM, can't you go out without him? Sounds like he'd be happy and he'll chat to you about it but not want to go himself.

I go to the theatre, cinema, days and evenings out with friends and family without my husband I've even started going on short holidays. I adore my husband, he works six days a week and is always helping out his friends and family and bring self employed means he is just really busy. I got fed up of waiting around for him to join me, he too isn't keen on all the things I enjoy - and vice versa! Couldn't you go out whilst he does his sport stuff? Leave him at home if you know he won't like the timing of your meal out? Etc

Me and my husband have a very happy home life together but I need to do other things for me too I've realised and we're both happier, we do have children so our time together is with them too so slightly different but yeah try doing the things you want without him perhaps?

Original poster
Victoria2220 · 17/06/2021 13:19

@Mayhemmumma

It sounds like you want out but from another perspective, if you really love HIM, can't you go out without him? Sounds like he'd be happy and he'll chat to you about it but not want to go himself.

I go to the theatre, cinema, days and evenings out with friends and family without my husband I've even started going on short holidays. I adore my husband, he works six days a week and is always helping out his friends and family and bring self employed means he is just really busy. I got fed up of waiting around for him to join me, he too isn't keen on all the things I enjoy - and vice versa! Couldn't you go out whilst he does his sport stuff? Leave him at home if you know he won't like the timing of your meal out? Etc

Me and my husband have a very happy home life together but I need to do other things for me too I've realised and we're both happier, we do have children so our time together is with them too so slightly different but yeah try doing the things you want without him perhaps?

I do go out without him a lot. And for the most part I am happy to. I also go on holiday with friends. But it's the exteremity of it all, I always have to go alone. He never joins me. He never will. And we can't even do anything just the 2 of us. It's stay indoors forever or do every single thing without him.
OP posts:
ivfgottwins · 17/06/2021 13:26

I do go out without him a lot. And for the most part I am happy to. I also go on holiday with friends. But it's the exteremity of it all, I always have to go alone. He never joins me. He never will. And we can't even do anything just the 2 of us. It's stay indoors forever or do every single thing without him.

He doesn't sound like a husband or a friend and certainly not a life partner.....he sounds like a housemate sorry

(You can't rely on friends and family filling in for the things he doesn't do in your relationship- unless all of your friends are going to remain childfree too?)

Unsure33 · 17/06/2021 13:29

@Victoria2220

You are right as that is what my mother did. She went out and found her own friends . I don’t think my dad was capable of change . But she loved him and in every other respect to her he was and still is a good husband.

He hates new people coming into the house but once he knows them he will chat about his hobby , he was into amateur radio and he is extremely clever .He knows about every country in the world and loves quizz shows . But won’t go out the front door unless you drag him 🙂

I think you have a hard choice .

bendmeoverbackwards · 17/06/2021 13:45

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

but she did choose to marry

And she's free to change her mind. I'm all for marriage when it enhances the lives of both halves of the couple. But if one half of the couple is having their life and freedom severely restricted, that isn't a compromise worth making. Nobody signs up to that with their marriage vows.

True but before walking, maybe the thing to do is explore a possible diagnosis with her dh. This might lead to dh getting support and it would help to explain his behaviours. He might feel less anxious if there is a reason for his behaviour and be willing to make some compromises. Isn’t it worth trying to do this first?
Umberellatheweatha · 17/06/2021 13:51

Pft. No. Her mum hasn't been over in years because of him. Has HE done anything to get a diagnosis and help to make life easier in that time for his wifes benefit? Has he buggary!

I think she has made enough 'compromises' for him.

bendmeoverbackwards · 17/06/2021 13:54

@osbertthesyrianhamster

I'm afraid that I have had a similar response. It sounds as though he'd have been a great father and DH had they had children, but it's the OP who has moved the goal posts.

Someone this rigid is not 'great father' material. And if he does have autism, there's an increased risk of having a child with it, who might have far lower functioning levels than he and need care all his/her life.

@osbertthesyrianhamster what an awful ableist post. Lots of autistic people are great parents. Beggars belief 😡😡😡