Want a different life to my husband

[Victoria2220]

I just feel like writing down what is going on with me and seeing if there is any advice out there.

I have been married 4 years, together for 14 years. Assumed we would have children and a "normal" family life. I fell pregnant last year immediately after coming off the pill. I surprised myself by feeling absolutely distraught by being pregnant, I just hated it and regretted what I had done. DH admitted deep down he also didn't want a baby so I had an abortion. It was idiotic, stupid and so regretful. Worse time of my life.

A year on I have come to terms with the fact that i dont want children and will have a childfree life. I therefore want to live a free life, full of other joys and adventures. I have the money to do so.

Trouble is DH wants an entirely different life. He wants to stay in and watch TV or play sport. He plays sport all weekend and point blank refuses to do anything else. We never do anything in the evenings because he is tired from sport.He insists on sitting in front of TV all evening and refused to have dinner in the garden with me even once when the weather was nice.

He refuses to see my family because he doesn't enjoy their company, so I always have to see them on my own which makes me feel so sad and embarrassed. He hasn't seen my mum in 4 years and she lives 15 minutes away.

I can't have any friends or family round to the house because he doesn't like the disturbance. I always have to go out to see people.

Last night I said I would like to do something nice for our wedding anniversary and the look on his face, like I had asked him to do something disgusting. He made it very clear he couldn't think of anything worse. I went upstairs and sobbed for hours.

This is not the life I want. I would like the occasional weekend away, a date night once in a blue moon. I can't even tear him away from the TV to sit in the garden with me. I have a boring, quiet, sad life. I don't have children, i should be living a little.

I am not at all afraid to leave him and live alone. In fact, i'm excited! I can invite a friend round for a glass of wine or a BBQ. I might one day meet someone who isn't repulsed at the idea of going out to dinner with me.

I am however very sad, as i do love him.

I just needed to tell someone. I am not ready to tell friends and family just yet, but I will soon. I also have a good counsellor.

Thanks for listening.

Do it. Get advice. Find out the actual truth of the financials.
Sit him down and tell him. Make it a shit sandwich of the fact that you love him but you are going. You plan to stay in touch with him because you love him and want to amicably split.

Whatever you do, don't read anything by Robert James Waller as it will have you packing a suitcase and walking into the blue! Do it at your own pace but as there are no kids in the mix it can be quick I imagine.

Don't feel guilt. He knows what he is and he probably knows what he isn't. In a way you will be doing him a favour too. He won't be able to see that when you have the conversation and it will take him years to realise but he will realise.

One day you will sit and talk to him about all the things you have done and you will both know it was the right thing.

To ancient evenings and distant music.......

This might be a difficult question but were you horrified at the idea of being pregnant or what having a child with your husband would mean? Your life sounds so restricted by him and you shouldn’t have to live like that. Not seeing your mum for 4 years is just bloody rude really. I suspect you’ve had to compromise so much over the years.

Why, in 14 years have you never discussed all this with him? Why on earth did you marry this man? Was his behaviour not obvious in all this time? It sounds like you have absolutely nothing in common and Im curious as to how you ended up with each other at all. To be honest he does not seem to give your needs any consideration. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Im afraid I cannot comment on the abortion as having never been in that situation, I feel it really needs someone who has, to talk about that with you. I've got to say you may benefit from counselling as I get the impression you are still struggling with your abortion decision. Im very sorry you are so unhappy. Some couples do follow different interests, but still make time to do things together. I find it sad that your husband does not want to go even for a meal to mark your anniversary. A wedding anniversary is special and an obvious celebration. You need to sit down and talk to him about all this and give him a chance to change his behaviour. If he loves you, he will do this. If it changes nothing, you need to decide what you want to do. Good luck however your life goes.

Well done for having the insight to make both those decisions. I remember how I felt once I realised that even though my exh had cheated on me, that I had wanted to be free for so long before that. The reclaiming of my space, my life (even as an happier at home introvert) was amazing. I now have a fantastic (to me) child free life with a man who wants the same things as me in life.

@HollowTalk

You have one life. You can't possibly spend it with this man who can't even have his dinner at 7:05 pm or sit in the garden to eat without it being a huge problem. Set yourself free and forgive yourself the abortion as well.

Yes. This man is clearly not a terrible person, and these 'quirks' (to put it mildly) are clearly a coping mechanism that he can't help.

But you cannot be imprisoned by them. You need to live. You need to see people. You need to explore the world.

You're making the right decision. The abortion was also the right decision, in hindsight. He would never have coped with parenthood, and you would be even more tied down.

Good luck!

It's not easy to break up a marriage but without children, in your case, I suspect you are likely to find a way more compatible partner. You may love him but you are not enjoying a rewarding loving life together.

If you need time to decide, start doing what you want to do. Go on adventure holidays, walking weekends, meet-ups etc. Live as you would if you were single. He might get a wake up call and start to join you and you might jointly discover a new fulfilling way of living. Or you might meet someone more suited to you. Don't waste your life slumped in front of the TV on hot summer nights. hoping he'll change.

Obviously the relationship is no longer working but I’m not sure that the DH is as controlling as posters are claiming. As the OP says he is behaving the same way that he always has and he doesn’t stop OP from doing what she wants.

I know a lot of men who are similar. It seems to come more obvious and more of a problem when they retire. 😕

You say that you love him,however you are very unhappy! He sounds very set in his ways, although presumably still quit a young man! I think having a few days away from him, will help you to think more clearly about your future together .Marriage is a partnership ,it shouldnt be all about what he wants .

Also, I honestly think you need to stop living entirely by his rules. Just invite friends over. You can BBQ and drink wine in the garden if he is slumped in front of the TV. You won't be in each other's way. Never wait for permission to live well. Just live well. You are harming no one. But not to live well, when you can, is harming you.

Invite some friends around this weekend.

My DH is autistic and we have been together for 20 years+ since our late teens. Yes, so changing things like that would make DH visibly panic too. I get it, and I wouldn’t do it.
Here’s how we make it work:

• some things are harder for DH than others. Socialising in particular. He does it in small doses for me. He would happily let me socialise with whoever and whenever. I have a much bigger friends’ circle than he does.
• he has always made an effort with my parents because that’s important to me.
• we have kids. He is an amazing father but also truly enjoys children. It is the zone where he can let go of himself a bit. I don’t know how or why. He is a much more natural hands on parent than I am. He is actively involved with school stuff, does all the mental load and does a lot of the actual childcare stuff as well.
• he is super supportive of my career. He has turned down great jobs because it hasn’t worked for me or my career.
• and yes like the OP’s DH, I (and the kids) are enough for him. He doesn’t need or want very much more. But being a good husband is extremely important to him.

He’s kind, funny, clever. He has a limited set of interests- photography, hiking, stand up comedy. I have a much broader set of interests. We do some stuff together and many things apart but we are both quite similar people (in roughly the same jobs, we have the same views etc) and I don’t feel like his autism controls my/our life in any way. It’s the only version of him I have known and I haven’t changed all that much. We set our mutual boundaries early on and it’s worked. He’s still my favourite adult to hang out with.

It’s controlling, for example, to never want OP’s family or friends to visit the shared home.

We don’t do date nights, DH would struggle. But we never have. We met at Uni and we never ‘dated.’ We were friends. We were super nerdy and hung out together and did stuff together.
But if I had a DH who would only ever watch TV that would be hard. DH is the opposite. He hardly ever watches TV so if I want some conversation is always happy to oblige. But yes, he would find the ‘let’s spontaneously do X thing’ quite hard.

We do holiday and he plans it meticulously and I leave it to him. He’s interestingly, as I said, flexible about the kids and their routines. That’s almost like his outlet where he can ‘break’ his own rules. So if the kids mess up his plans he doesn’t mind. But when it was just us he wanted us to get to the airport at a certain time and not doing so would stress him out so we would get there at that time. I have never found DH embarrassing though. He is who he is.

You have one life, go live the life you want! So many people can’t, it’s a privilege you can.

Maybe he’ll be part of that, maybe he won’t. Xx

@adhdpunchbag

I agree with your counsellor. Not a personality disorder but probably autistic. Anything outside of the life he has created for himself is seen as a threat and therefore stressful for him. No reason why you can't split up but remain friends but you might struggle to find a way to spend time with him once you are no longer living together as there isn't much you have in common with him.

I agree, it does sound like autism to me. Would he look into a possible diagnosis OP?

I disagree with many of these comments tbh. Your partner can’t always fulfill all your emotional needs. There are some very happy marriages where each partner does things separately. If he is autistic he might not be able to cope with so socialising and visitors, he’s not saying no just to be awkward.

OP do you go out and do things with friends/family?

My FIL hates going to the cinema/theatre or much socialising, my MIL loves it. On the face of it it seems like they don’t have much in common. They have been married 60 years!

@SamusIsAGirl

He could be autistic but he is also very selfish and when you build a life with someone, autism is no excuse to be selfish.

What a horrible post. @SamusIsAGirl maybe you should educate yourself about autism so you can stop judging people with a disability. Would you judge a wheelchair user who can’t use the stairs? Are they selfish for finding somewhere with a lift?

OP if you love this man which you claim you do, instead of discussing possible diagnoses with your counsellor, look into getting your dh some support?

I am staggered about the selfishness on this thread. No wonder the divorce rate is so high. There are 2 people in this marriage. We have only talked about the OP’s needs and wants. What about her dh who is clearly struggling? Having an undiagnosed condition is extremely stressful. He sounds like a good man who clearly loves OP.

In sickness and in health and all that.

I wonder why some people bother to get married at all quite frankly. Suppose your partner had a life changing accident or illness? Would you leave because you now can’t live the life you want?

@bendmeoverbackwards

I am staggered about the selfishness on this thread. No wonder the divorce rate is so high. There are 2 people in this marriage. We have only talked about the OP’s needs and wants. What about her dh who is clearly struggling? Having an undiagnosed condition is extremely stressful. He sounds like a good man who clearly loves OP.

In sickness and in health and all that.

I wonder why some people bother to get married at all quite frankly. Suppose your partner had a life changing accident or illness? Would you leave because you now can’t live the life you want?

Yes, I'd leave if I were unhappy and wouldn't want a person who's unhappy staying in a marriage with me. We didn't go in for all those loaded vows with religious connotations, had a civil wedding, you can leave all that guilt-ladden God bothering stuff off and still be legally married.

The OP's husband sounds a lot like my son and tbh, he's very hard work and I only do it because he's my child.

This man is an adult. Women are not rehab centres for men HE has to own anything he believes is a problem, it's not for her to sort! If he doesn't see a problem, well, there you go, but even if he did, he's the one who needs to be proactive about diagnoses and support.

No one should have to stay with someone who makes them unhappy.

Move on, OP. You deserve what makes you happy in life as much as he does.

I have been married to DH for 24 years. He is an introvert and does a v hard job, and has got more introverted and wedded to the couch in his 50s. I am an extrovert and hate watching TV in the evenings and have a lot more energy. We compromise; we go out once a week for a meal, movie, or to see friends. The rest of the time I go out in the evenings on my own. I am not sure I could stand this 'old before his time" at your age though. In our 30s we were going out a lot and travelling even more.

I thought autism before I got to the point where anyone else suggested it, having a ds and probable OH with asd myself. If it can't work for you OP then be gentle with him, he's not doing any of these things to hurt or ruin your life, those routines really help him feel safe.

That said I think it's really important for autistic people to challenge themselves sometimes, my son would never leave the house if he had his way! I think it's easy for anyone to feel safety from a routine and that is 100x more the case with someone who is autistic - but sometimes if you can push yourself (or someone pushes you) then you find you can cope and do enjoy things you never thought you would. I have found this with both my son and husband.

Does he know how desperate you feel? Can you ask him if he is able to make any compromise knowing that you are considering leaving, for example could you go on a holiday that allows him to do his favourite hobby? Would he go on a holiday that means he can do his hobby and you can lie by the pool? If you said all meals could be at a set time? Can you push him in other ways - what's his favourite meal to eat out and his favourite place to eat it? Could he do that but at a different time? If you can just keep pushing one little aspect at a time while keeping others familiar you might find you can slowly widen what he can cope with. If he's not interested then obviously you can't make him and it's obviously going to take you both putting in a lot of effort to find a way forward that works for both of you.

If he is autistic and starts to understand why he feels and does the things he does then it might help him understand himself and that could really potentially help your relationship, if it's not too late already.

I think talking to him about all this is key though - and understanding that relationships are about compromise on both sides.

@bendmeoverbackwards

I am staggered about the selfishness on this thread. No wonder the divorce rate is so high. There are 2 people in this marriage. We have only talked about the OP’s needs and wants. What about her dh who is clearly struggling? Having an undiagnosed condition is extremely stressful. He sounds like a good man who clearly loves OP.

In sickness and in health and all that.

I wonder why some people bother to get married at all quite frankly. Suppose your partner had a life changing accident or illness? Would you leave because you now can’t live the life you want?

You can't compare lifestyle choices with the consequences of an accident or an illness.

We are talking about being compatible. Being married doesn't mean being a martyr, resenting being stuck in an unhappy marriage is doing favour to no one, neither the OP or her husband!

Do you think it will make him happy to have a partner staying because of a sense of obligation? Do you think it's fair that you are denying HIM the chance to meet the right person?

You can split up from good men (or women)in a civilised manner, you don't have to be a twat about it.

You wouldn't tell a wife married to someone stuck in "student life" to stick up with him if he refused to grow up, would you? And she would still be the ones who changed!

He sounds like he doesn't need a wife, he needs a dog. Who would love routine and having him around all the time.

@khakiandcoral so a possible autism/personality disorder is a ‘lifestyle choice’?? 🙄

@givemushypeasachance

He sounds like he doesn't need a wife, he needs a dog. Who would love routine and having him around all the time.

OP has described him as funny, chatty and positive who is happy in the marriage.

at some point an adult needs to take responsibility. No one should be forced to do anything, but you can't ask people to give up their life. What steps is he taking to manage his problems?

It's easy to play the moral ground card when it's not YOUR life!

That is grim.

Don’t wait - crack on and leave him, the sooner you start building up a life the better.