Want a different life to my husband

[Victoria2220]

I just feel like writing down what is going on with me and seeing if there is any advice out there.

I have been married 4 years, together for 14 years. Assumed we would have children and a "normal" family life. I fell pregnant last year immediately after coming off the pill. I surprised myself by feeling absolutely distraught by being pregnant, I just hated it and regretted what I had done. DH admitted deep down he also didn't want a baby so I had an abortion. It was idiotic, stupid and so regretful. Worse time of my life.

A year on I have come to terms with the fact that i dont want children and will have a childfree life. I therefore want to live a free life, full of other joys and adventures. I have the money to do so.

Trouble is DH wants an entirely different life. He wants to stay in and watch TV or play sport. He plays sport all weekend and point blank refuses to do anything else. We never do anything in the evenings because he is tired from sport.He insists on sitting in front of TV all evening and refused to have dinner in the garden with me even once when the weather was nice.

He refuses to see my family because he doesn't enjoy their company, so I always have to see them on my own which makes me feel so sad and embarrassed. He hasn't seen my mum in 4 years and she lives 15 minutes away.

I can't have any friends or family round to the house because he doesn't like the disturbance. I always have to go out to see people.

Last night I said I would like to do something nice for our wedding anniversary and the look on his face, like I had asked him to do something disgusting. He made it very clear he couldn't think of anything worse. I went upstairs and sobbed for hours.

This is not the life I want. I would like the occasional weekend away, a date night once in a blue moon. I can't even tear him away from the TV to sit in the garden with me. I have a boring, quiet, sad life. I don't have children, i should be living a little.

I am not at all afraid to leave him and live alone. In fact, i'm excited! I can invite a friend round for a glass of wine or a BBQ. I might one day meet someone who isn't repulsed at the idea of going out to dinner with me.

I am however very sad, as i do love him.

I just needed to tell someone. I am not ready to tell friends and family just yet, but I will soon. I also have a good counsellor.

Thanks for listening.

[Sometimesfraught82]

* and the look on his face, like I had asked him to do something disgusting. He made it very clear he couldn't think of anything worse.*

Have you spoken to him? Sounds like he might be up for separating / divorcing too

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

The abortion may well be the best step you could ever take in life.

Leave him. Live the life you want.

[newtb]

I knew someone a little like this concerning the rigidity around mealtimes.

But, he'd spent 30 years in the Merchant Navy and was in his late 70s....my df.

Your dh sounds old before his time.

[Victoria2220]

@tenlittlecygnets

Was he always like this? If not, it can't be a personality disorder as that would have been present before.

Liking routine, eg tea at the same time, does not = being too selfish to see your mum.

Sounds selfish to me.

Op, leave and live your life!

He has 100% always been exactly like this. It's me who has changed. And it's all because I have had the realisation that I am not going to have children, so I have reevaluated my life and what I want it to be. If its going to be childfree, I want to embrace all the freedoms that come with that. Which is a world away from what he wants his life to be.

To be fair to DH, he is exactly the same man I married. It's me who has changed. This is confusing and upsetting for him as he had a wife who was happy for many years and now all of a sudden he doesn't.

[Sometimesfraught82]

He likes a routine, a very set one
He doesn’t like socialising
He loves his sport

Absolutely nothing wrong with this

What’s wrong is that it clashes with what you like.

And it doesn’t sound like either of you are actually keen on each other.

In short - it’s not working. But no one at fault

[Disfordarkchocolate]

I really feel sorry for you @Victoria2220. Ending a marriage is never easy but having to live your whole life to someone else's rules with no compromise is a waste of a life. Good luck.

[rainbowmash]

I'm so sorry OP. I really feel for you - for 12 years I was with a person on the autism spectrum BUT who also had a selfish streak and didn't believe in making an effort for other people. Looking back, I should have realised where their autistic traits ended and their laziness and self centered traits began...

I spent my entire 20s planning every holiday, maintaining our entire friendship group, and arranging every evening out while OH wouldn't even think to lift a finger for me. Towards the end, they had the nerve to call me "controlling" because I "made them do stuff"!!! In reality, without my horrible controlling ways, we'd have sat in silence in a locked room for a decade with all my birthdays forgotten.

There's a point at which you have to realise you respect their difficulties but you're not here to be a carer.

You will find the man from your fantasies - I did! I'm now with a lovely man who cares about people - the first time he surprised me by taking us somewhere because "he remembered I liked it", I was blown away because I didn't realise it was possible for someone to treat me like that.

Lots of love, OP

[Happinesscomesfromwithin]

Pack a bag and go and travel for the next year. Go and find yourself..

[BertramLacey]

How interesting! The "always making him do stuff" sounds so familiar. I get that complaint a lot - "you always make me to things I don't want to. I would never do that to you."

But he does make you do things. He makes you eat indoors. He makes you stay at home with him. He makes you eat at the same time everyday. As an introvert I sometimes need to do nothing. At that point nothing is something, because it's what I need to do. That's what he's inflicting on you. He is altering your behaviour, therefore he is making you do something.

[OneMamaAndHerGirl]

I’m so excited for your new life! Be free and happy x

[bigbaggyeyes]

It sounds like he won't change as he doesn't want to change, he sees nothing wrong in his behaviour, it might be due to a disorder or he might just be selfish, regardless of why, he simply doesn't consider your wants or needs as a result.

With that in mind, he won't change, do you want to be with this person over the next 40 years, do you want to be like this for the next 40 years, into your retirement? I know you love him, but do you love him enough to give up the life YOU want?

[notapizzaeater]

He sounds like my ASD adult son except my son will do things for other people as that's expected in life and he's been told since he's a child you have to give and take, not open to debate. If he's been allowed to do this for years it will be very hard (nee impossible) to make him change and tbh it wont do either of you any good, he will be stressed all the time and you will be too. Unless you are happy having totally separate life's then walk away. You are a long time dead, do you really want to miss all these things ?

[Longdistance]

He sounds very self centred and it’s his way and nothing else. He sounds utterly miserable. I’d leave too.

[Frauhubert]

My god this sounds like such hard work. All the house rules, set routines, tantrums and ‘quirks’. I could honestly not stand 7.15pm dinnertime for more than 3 days alone. Not to mention everything else. You are not really a wife he loves and adores for who she is and would jump into fire for you. You are his ‘routine’. The thing makes him comfortable and cosy. You are his 7.15pm dinnertime. Or a house furnishing. Leave yesterday. It sounds like you could have such a wonderful life without this dead weight you have been carrying around.

[Umberellatheweatha]

Good on you for deciding what you want in life and going for it!

I want to be children and have adventures too! Just hoping I meet a mr right who wants the same thing someday. But tbh, I'm happy enough to do it myself anyway.

[Umberellatheweatha]

*to be child free

[KeepingTrack]

And it's all because I have had the realisation that I am not going to have children, so I have reevaluated my life and what I want it to be.

I don’t want to be harsh but I don’t think your reaction has anything to do with the abortion.
Rather I think that you would come to that place anyway, children or not. Because this is who you are. If you had carry on like this, at some point, you would have realised how empty your life is. Maybe in 5 years time, maybe in 15 years when the dcs would have been older.

I suspect the abortion has been a trigger for you to open your eyes sooner than you otherwise would, rather than you having massively changed.

The next steps though is either to separate or for you to accept that you can get all those adventures, meals out etc… but wo him ever.

[Iwonder08]

OP, it is completely irrelevant if your DH is autistic or has any other explanation. You are in charge of your happiness, there is no point of staying with someone who makes you cry. His way of life is perfectly OK as long as he is not dragging anyone else with him.
Don't waste time and arrange your life in the way that wouldn't involve sobbing for hours in your bedrooom

[osbertthesyrianhamster]

Please, please, please leave him. This is no way to exist.

[HoldontoOneMoreDay]

I'm really curious as to how you got together - did you date? Go out and see people? Go to the cinema/out for meals? Did he manage all that?

But anyway. You can leave a relationship just because you're unhappy. That's perfectly OK and something they don't tell women.

I would be really glad you had the lockdown experience because it's shown you for your relationship to work, it has to be totally on your DH's terms. As long as you were fitting into his every need (through the circumstances) you can be happy. So the reverse is also true - if you don't bend, you can't have a happy relationship. That makes the choice quite binary I think - continue to bend for the rest of your life, or leave him and find a place where you can be just 'you'.

[HoldontoOneMoreDay]

@KeepingTrack

And it's all because I have had the realisation that I am not going to have children, so I have reevaluated my life and what I want it to be.

I don’t want to be harsh but I don’t think your reaction has anything to do with the abortion.
Rather I think that you would come to that place anyway, children or not. Because this is who you are. If you had carry on like this, at some point, you would have realised how empty your life is. Maybe in 5 years time, maybe in 15 years when the dcs would have been older.

I suspect the abortion has been a trigger for you to open your eyes sooner than you otherwise would, rather than you having massively changed.

The next steps though is either to separate or for you to accept that you can get all those adventures, meals out etc… but wo him ever.

I agree with this @KeepingTrack - I also don't think it's uncommon that counselling opens huge cans of worms. My friend is having counselling for something totally unconnected to her relationship and has just left her husband of 25 years. When you start to explore your feelings you can't go 'oh I'm going to explore that bit of my life but I'm definitely not going to think about this part.' It just doesn't work like that.

[burritofan]

”you always make me to things I don't want to. I would never do that to you."
He does, though. He makes you eat at rigid times, makes you live a life that suits him not you, (tries to) make you change a table booking for someone else’s birthday.

He does lots of this but chooses not to see it as affecting your life.

[SoMuchForSummerLove]

My best friend had a marriage just like yours. Her husband did get an adult diagnosis of Aspergers, which certainly explained a lot, but then she went to counselling to work out if she wanted to adjust who she was to suit him.

Turns out, she didn't! And now she's incredibly happy in a much freer relationship.

There's nothing to keep you exactly where you are. You want different lives, so you should both live the lives you want, separately.

[YellowFish12]

I think it is amazing you have come to this decision. Leave. Be free. Have the life you want.

[khakiandcoral]

Bloody hell, I wouldn't even want a life like that, and I have 4 kids in tow! I have more freedom than you have! That's not a life.

You can't help if you have changed.

You have a choice of settling in a miserable existence, resent it and ruin your life and future

or you can have a frank discussion with your husband explaining you need more. If he is not willing to change (which in fairness, he doesn't have to) and understand the consequences, then... you are likely no longer suited for each other.