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Original poster

Want a different life to my husband

252 replies

Victoria2220 · 16/06/2021 19:30

I just feel like writing down what is going on with me and seeing if there is any advice out there.

I have been married 4 years, together for 14 years. Assumed we would have children and a "normal" family life. I fell pregnant last year immediately after coming off the pill. I surprised myself by feeling absolutely distraught by being pregnant, I just hated it and regretted what I had done. DH admitted deep down he also didn't want a baby so I had an abortion. It was idiotic, stupid and so regretful. Worse time of my life.

A year on I have come to terms with the fact that i dont want children and will have a childfree life. I therefore want to live a free life, full of other joys and adventures. I have the money to do so.

Trouble is DH wants an entirely different life. He wants to stay in and watch TV or play sport. He plays sport all weekend and point blank refuses to do anything else. We never do anything in the evenings because he is tired from sport.He insists on sitting in front of TV all evening and refused to have dinner in the garden with me even once when the weather was nice.

He refuses to see my family because he doesn't enjoy their company, so I always have to see them on my own which makes me feel so sad and embarrassed. He hasn't seen my mum in 4 years and she lives 15 minutes away.

I can't have any friends or family round to the house because he doesn't like the disturbance. I always have to go out to see people.

Last night I said I would like to do something nice for our wedding anniversary and the look on his face, like I had asked him to do something disgusting. He made it very clear he couldn't think of anything worse. I went upstairs and sobbed for hours.

This is not the life I want. I would like the occasional weekend away, a date night once in a blue moon. I can't even tear him away from the TV to sit in the garden with me. I have a boring, quiet, sad life. I don't have children, i should be living a little.

I am not at all afraid to leave him and live alone. In fact, i'm excited! I can invite a friend round for a glass of wine or a BBQ. I might one day meet someone who isn't repulsed at the idea of going out to dinner with me.

I am however very sad, as i do love him.

I just needed to tell someone. I am not ready to tell friends and family just yet, but I will soon. I also have a good counsellor.

Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
Original poster
Victoria2220 · 17/06/2021 07:28

@WeMarchOn

I hate saying this as It annoys me when people do BUT i would say he could possibly be autistic. (I'm autistic btw)
Yes, when I talk to my counsellor about it she will sometimes refer to her autistic clients and how they react or deal with being asked to do things outside of their structure. A few weeks ago we went out for my sisters birthday. My sister is the one member of my family he will socialise with. She is very similar to me and she is one person in our lives who can come round to the house and spend the evening with us without it upsetting him. Anyway, he was pleading with me to change the table booking to 6.30 so he could eat at the usual time. Of course i said no because we are not 80 years old and it was my sisters birthday, not his,told him to stop being so ridiculous. It was like he was panicking about it. This is what he is like.
OP posts:
June2021 · 17/06/2021 07:33

People want and need different things and experiences in life. You can love someone and later find out that you grow in different directions.

Tell him how you feel. If no compromise that suits both of you can be sorted then it is separation and separate ways. You may both meet more suitable people or not but separation seems the answer.

SamusIsAGirl · 17/06/2021 07:34

He could be autistic but he is also very selfish and when you build a life with someone, autism is no excuse to be selfish.

June2021 · 17/06/2021 07:34

@Victoria2220

Just read your update. The panic about things changing and pleading for a 'normal' eating time does sound like the autistic spectrum or anxiety around change to routines.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 17/06/2021 07:34

Op he will only get worse .....if that is possible as he already sounds dull and selfish.
Don't have any more regrets, life is way too short for that xx

June2021 · 17/06/2021 07:35

@SamusIsAGirl

He could be autistic but he is also very selfish and when you build a life with someone, autism is no excuse to be selfish.
Panic and pleading don't sound like selfish behaviours, that sounds different IMO
Lampan · 17/06/2021 07:38

He might say he would never make you do anything you don’t want to do. And maybe that’s true. But can’t he see that he’s actually preventing you from doing loads of things that you DO want to do, and that’s just as bad! Although it might not be the stereotypical ‘controlling’ behaviour, he is still very much limiting your life with his preferences and dislikes.
You will love being single, especially after a relationship like this 🙂

Unsure33 · 17/06/2021 07:45

My father has been like this all his life . Especially the timings thing .

He has to have his meals at set times . Never would go out anywhere .

Hates strangers in the house .

This has become a problem now my mother has an illness and her needs are different so he cooks two dinners as he does not want his at the same time as hers ( she has care visits)

My mum loves him though and carved out her own life besides his .

Funnily enough I did an on line spectrum test for him and he got a very high score and I was borderline .

I know it does come across as selfishness but it took 3 years to get him to move to more appropriate accommodation. And last week it took 2 hours to get him out of the flat on to a balcony . Because he had other things to do .

When he has a hospital appointment he starts to prepare a week before even what he will wear and get very stressed about timings .

We have lived with him like this all our lives and just thought he was shy .
I don’t know what your answer is . My mum just got on with a different life alongside his because she loves him . But I am not sure if he can change ?

Unsure33 · 17/06/2021 07:49

I would just like to say my dad is not selfish and yes he does panic about things a lot , every day .

We just did not realise growing up what he was going through .

He was just our dad .

Sometimesfraught82 · 17/06/2021 07:51

Do you work?
Do you have friends?
Hobbies?
Exercise?

You say you love him.
Not my definition of love but there we go.
So if you’re not going to leave him

Then you need to encourage him to get mental health support
And you need to build a life

Fabiofatshaft1 · 17/06/2021 07:52

Write a list of things of WHY you love your husband.

Then share it with us.

prettyvisitor · 17/06/2021 07:52

Quite honestly I would leave. You've made the decision to remain child free so you can have adventures, having an occasional date night is not being adventurous. He won't change! Go now while you've still got time to enjoy your life.

tenlittlecygnets · 17/06/2021 07:55

Was he always like this? If not, it can't be a personality disorder as that would have been present before.

Liking routine, eg tea at the same time, does not = being too selfish to see your mum.

Sounds selfish to me.

Op, leave and live your life!

RestingStitchFace · 17/06/2021 07:57

This is not a life you want. If you stay with this man you will miss out on so much and one day will look back and regret all the things you could have done.

Llamadog · 17/06/2021 08:00

I think that the questioning about autism isn’t really relevant. Whether or not your husband has autism or a personality disorder you are unhappy and want a different life. You can love someone but still have a relationship that doesn’t work for you.

Cam77 · 17/06/2021 08:01

And he is very engaged with me in general, literally follows me around the house asking me about my day, but he will absolutely not do anything he doesn't want to do. He won't budge an inch to do something I would like to do.

He's "engaged" with you only on a very superficial level unfortunately. He wants nothing to do with your parents, friends, or the future you dream of.

BrownEyedGirl80 · 17/06/2021 08:02

I think you know what you need to do.You only get one life and you should make yourself happy.

Lovemusic33 · 17/06/2021 08:03

I left my dh for similar reasons but took me a lot longer, there was a big age gap and I felt he he wanted different things to me, he spent a lot of time staying in watching tv, didn’t like going out or visiting family. We had 2 dc’s which made leaving more tricky. I love my life now, being single, I have friends, hobbies and the kids are happier (now teens), I regret not leaving him sooner.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 17/06/2021 08:05

he just doesn't like anyone's company but mine and he hates leaving the house unless it's to go to the football pitch or golf course.

This stands out from everything else you’ve said. Yes, he may have many good qualities. But he will drain the life out of you.

AnxiousWeirdo · 17/06/2021 08:12

God this sounds like my relationship. Reading it from someone else makes me question why I'm here at all...

supermoonrising · 17/06/2021 08:16

Regardless of the reasons for his behavior, the fact of the matter is he is (presumably) sufficiently content with how things are, while you are not. So basically your options are: A) remain unhappy and unfulfilled, B) convince him to change and Do More Stuff, C) split up
But the sounds of it B) may be difficult to achieve, although is it possible he doesn’t realize how unhappy you are? Do you only express your unhappiness privately?

HelloMissus · 17/06/2021 08:17

Leave him.
He may be autistic. He may be anxious. He may have many issues that are not his fault.
But they do not mean you have to live like this.
No one has a responsibility to remain with someone who makes them miserable, whatever the reason.

If the pandemic has taught any of us anything it’s that life is short and precious and often uncontrollable. Take charge of the things you can control.

Original poster
Victoria2220 · 17/06/2021 08:20

@Lampan

He might say he would never make you do anything you don’t want to do. And maybe that’s true. But can’t he see that he’s actually preventing you from doing loads of things that you DO want to do, and that’s just as bad! Although it might not be the stereotypical ‘controlling’ behaviour, he is still very much limiting your life with his preferences and dislikes. You will love being single, especially after a relationship like this 🙂
Yes, this! This is exactly the point I try to get across to him.
OP posts:
Original poster
Victoria2220 · 17/06/2021 08:22

@Sometimesfraught82

Do you work? Do you have friends? Hobbies? Exercise?

You say you love him.
Not my definition of love but there we go.
So if you’re not going to leave him

Then you need to encourage him to get mental health support
And you need to build a life

Yes, I have a successful business, good friends, lots of exercise. I will quickly and easily build a fulfilled life without him, no problem.
OP posts:
Sometimesfraught82 · 17/06/2021 08:23

Well brilliant

So what’s the issue?
You love him? Given his face when you suggested doing something for your anniversary, he sounds far from happy in the marriage himself