Dating non-driver

OkSpiritualknot · 2021-06-16T12:03:59+00:00

Just starting seeing someone, he's divorced, no kids, aged 51. He doesn't drive. Has never had lessons or wanted to learn To me, this is a bit strange. He lives about 20 miles away and catches a bus to see me. He keeps mentioning he's not tight... Which to me is a red flag. I'm very independent, had 2 previous relationships where I've ended up being sponged off and want to avoid this happening again. I've only had 2 dates, he's keen, but I don't feel right about this. Have others dated non-drivers and it worked out OK?

Auntienumber8 · 16/06/2021 13:12

If he isn’t expecting to be picked up or expects you to drive to him each time the it’s ok though his non driving is a pita. Its the I’m not tight comments. I had a friend at University who would announce I’m not getting drunk tonight, she always did. They sort of say it to convince you and also themselves.

Lampan · 16/06/2021 13:19

I’ve dated a non-driver and I would have to think carefully about doing it again. Fine if he’s making the effort to get to you at the moment but any days out etc you would have to drive. It put me off, I didn’t want to be like his mum or something ferrying him around. Any trips away, holidays etc you would have to drive. Maybe I’m really fickle but I find it off-putting.
Also agree the ‘I’m not tight’ comments are a red flag. Why does he have to point that out? People don’t usually talk about things they are not, why would it even occur to him?

Bluedelphinium · 16/06/2021 13:21

Well, I can't drive due to medical reasons and I always make the effort to do my share of travel to a partner's area and am very independent getting myself around. I would personally love to drive if I could though so it's a bit different to choosing not to but maybe there's more to it that he's not told you if you've just met.

As for the 'I'm not tight', possibly it's like someone saying 'I'm a nice guy', as some tossers tend to, protesting too much
It might be linked to the driving though, and he's anxious to let you know he wouldn't expect you to do all the driving or that he hasn't declined to learn because he didn't want to pay. If everything else seems good then probably just wait and see what his actions are like.

seensome · 16/06/2021 13:27

It didn't for me, not the reason we split but definitely caused pressure on the relationship, I live in the country so getting public transport is not reliable and slow, we didn't have much of future as he wasn't willing to drive and didn't want use the public transport, i had to give lifts to and from the train station, nearest 7 miles away.
Never again but that's due to my location.

If he can easily get the bus to yours then I don't see why not, only if he puts in the effort and doesn't expect you to keep going over to his.

TheLeadbetterLife · 16/06/2021 13:29

It is weird. When I met my husband he didn’t drive - he soon learned and took his test because, well, it’s an important life skill isn’t it?

Maybe he did drive and lost his licence?

ComtesseDeSpair · 16/06/2021 13:57

DP doesn’t drive (he can, but is from the US and has never gotten around to getting his UK one) so I do all our driving (although it isn’t very much, we live in London.) It’s never occurred to me to think of it as a negative, he propels himself about and can always sort trains and taxis if he needs to. Now we live together I prefer it to be honest - since I’m always driving, I get to choose our car and didn’t have to compromise.

As long as he doesn’t expect lifts from you then I can’t see it’s a problem in anything but psychology: I know some women have this “man must do manly things, driving manly” attitude towards driving (hence still more usual to see the man doing the driving in a couple or family even if both drive.)

“I’m not tight”, what’s the context? Is he trying to assure you that even though he doesn’t drive he’s still capable of paying for a bus ticket or something? Or is it about other aspects?

XChocolate1cheesecake · 16/06/2021 14:03

I don't drive and i find it quite mean to see you driving places as an issue. I always pay for dinner instead or provide petrol money. If the guys nice why judge him based on this.

DrSbaitso · 16/06/2021 14:08

It would put me off but if we weren't sharing a family life together, it might not be a deal breaker. Depends on where you live, your lifestyle, the nature of your relationship and how much it impinges upon you.

I do like men who are practical and proactive, though, so this would be a minus for me and I wouldn't blame you for being put off by it.

I'd probably want to know why he never wanted to learn.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 16/06/2021 14:11

Nope, not for me. And as for the 'I'm not tight' comment, erm.

I'd stop seeing him.

JustAnotherOldMan · 16/06/2021 14:12

Think it depends where you are really, in a metropolitan area with good public transportation links, then probably not much as of an issue, but in the shires the ability to drive is pretty key to daily life, unless you want to waiting for busses / lifts / paying for taxis etc

Cinni23 · 16/06/2021 14:14

I'm married to a non-driver. He gets a train to work, I drive so we can take the kids for days out at the weekend and go on holiday in the UK easily. Honestly never bothered us.

Lunettesloupes · 16/06/2021 14:14

If you’re not keen, drop him. Why would you keep seeing someone you’re not keen on?

Cinni23 · 16/06/2021 14:18

@ComtesseDeSpair

DP doesn’t drive (he can, but is from the US and has never gotten around to getting his UK one) so I do all our driving (although it isn’t very much, we live in London.) It’s never occurred to me to think of it as a negative, he propels himself about and can always sort trains and taxis if he needs to. Now we live together I prefer it to be honest - since I’m always driving, I get to choose our car and didn’t have to compromise.

As long as he doesn’t expect lifts from you then I can’t see it’s a problem in anything but psychology: I know some women have this “man must do manly things, driving manly” attitude towards driving (hence still more usual to see the man doing the driving in a couple or family even if both drive.)

“I’m not tight”, what’s the context? Is he trying to assure you that even though he doesn’t drive he’s still capable of paying for a bus ticket or something? Or is it about other aspects?

This is basically exactly how I feel about being the only driver in my relationship! My parents found it bizarre when I was learning to drive because they couldn't fathom why he didn't do it instead. The only reason they felt like this is pure sexism. My dad was married to a non-driver for years without giving it a second thought.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 16/06/2021 14:23

@XChocolate1cheesecake

I don't drive and i find it quite mean to see you driving places as an issue. I always pay for dinner instead or provide petrol money. If the guys nice why judge him based on this.

How's it mean? You can't ever drink if you're driving (in Scotland the drink drive limit is very low), so can't ever share a bottle of wine over dinner or get a taxi or Uber. And I like to take turns driving.

Slimmingstar · 16/06/2021 14:31

It’s a no from me if it’s a choice not to drive. It really restricts what you can do when you’re away on a break, even if you live in a city.
I lived in London and was between cars.
Not a problem, I thought. I’ll use public transport to get to an attraction I wanted to visit just outside the M25.
A 25 minute drive took about 2 hours on public transport, then another 2 back. Lots of walking between stops and waiting around for buses….. very cold too.
A car is an essential wherever you are, albeit not everyday, I think.

LonginesPrime · 16/06/2021 14:32

He keeps mentioning he's not tight... Which to me is a red flag.

Well, that doesn't sound ideal, does it?

I've dated a couple of people who couldn't drive - one didn't drive for medical reasons, was very independent and had all their journeys planned out, never ever asked for lifts and their being a non-driver made zero difference to our relationship.

The other was like an adult baby and had never really caught on to adulthood in general - I ended up doing the thinking (and driving) for both of us, but if it wasn't the driving, it would have been something similar anyway.

I wouldn't take the non-driving in itself as a red flag - it depends entirely on the person's personality and how they manage their life generally.

Umberellatheweatha · 16/06/2021 14:40

If the bus route is fine then it's fine. I live in a city and the lsst 4 guys I've been on dates with were non drivers. As am I. So it's not a rare thing really.

But I would be worried about mentionitis about not being tight. Two dates in though it's just a but of fun though so I'd just play it by ear.

AnotherGo · 16/06/2021 14:46

Oh GOD> This is such an issue in my house

My DH never learnt to drive (41, lived in London whole life, never bothered). We moved to countryside last year and now he can't get a test because of covid backlog. And i'm not sure he would pass anyway. It's become such an issue, as I drive DH and DC everywhere, and I want to go back to work from mat leave and for him to take the DC for 3 months but how can he - if he can't drive them anywhere? So I am going to stay off work longer and keep driving DC everywhere just cos he can't drive? We have had so many rows about it, as he sees it a practical problem that he can't help (e.g. he can't help backlog/covid) but i can't help but think WHY DIDN'T YOU DO IT IN THE LAST 40 YEARS?

He says I'm judging him and it's not a negative. It's just like saying 'i don't speak french' same as 'i don't drive'. I'm not sure they are the same

Also my family is so judgemental of people that can't drive i lied to my mum and said he could. And now we have to make up elaborate stoires about why it's alwasy me behind the wheel

HAHAHAHAH

So in short - it actually does make life quite complicated when you're trying to share the responsibilities - so if were planning on it becomign more serious it could be an issue.

pointythings · 16/06/2021 14:48

My late husband was a non-driver. We lived in different countries when we started seeing each other and he absolutely did more than his share of the travel because he was earning and I was a broke student. It wasn't a problem. When we started living together in the UK, I converted my license and I was always the driver. His non-driving stemmed from an extremely traumatic car accident in his childhood so I totally got it. It made life a little more tricky at times, but we worked around it and it wasn't what broke us up.

Livandme · 16/06/2021 14:49

It's a huge no from me. I got sick of doing all the driving and I don't actually mind driving.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 16/06/2021 14:52

You are just not into him are you ?regardless if 100% of mumsnetters tell you a non driver is fine , why would you continue seeing someone you think is a bit weird ?

MadMadMadamMim · 16/06/2021 14:55

Not for me.

It's rural round here. 20 miles is incredibly difficult and time consuming by bus. I could not be arsed to be the only one able to drive, particularly because he says he's never wanted to learn. He'd quickly become a nuisance because he couldn't make it to places on time.

To me, that suggests someone who expects others to run round after them. It's a deliberate decision to lack independence.

CatalinaCasesolver · 16/06/2021 14:56

I love driving but I got really fed up with being the only driver in my last relationship

Lan2020 · 16/06/2021 14:56

I wouldn't want to date someone who didn't drive, if it was due to a medical condition and not through choice then maybe I'd feel different.

It depends on where you live and how easy it is to get around as I can imagine in some cities walking or public transport may be easier.

I live in the middle of nowhere though, so we can't even get to a shop without driving. I don't kind driving but I don't love it and wouldn't wan the responsibility to always fall to me because someone else didn't feel like learning.

Mummytomylittlegirl · 16/06/2021 14:56

That would really put me off. I’d feel like I was their Mum driving them places!