Dating non-driver

[OkSpiritualknot]

Just starting seeing someone, he's divorced, no kids, aged 51.
He doesn't drive. Has never had lessons or wanted to learn

To me, this is a bit strange. He lives about 20 miles away and catches a bus to see me. He keeps mentioning he's not tight... Which to me is a red flag.

I'm very independent, had 2 previous relationships where I've ended up being sponged off and want to avoid this happening again.

I've only had 2 dates, he's keen, but I don't feel right about this. Have others dated non-drivers and it worked out OK?

@Hidehi4 whilst I can’t speak for all womankind, I know I’d never resent someone who had a medical reason they couldn’t drive and I’m sure many others would feel the same. Can’t learn is very different to won’t learn in my eyes.

OP, I think you need to consider what you find attractive in a partner. I really value independence and driving represents an aspect of that for me so it’s directly linked to how attractive I might find the person. That will be much less important to others, you need to consider your own position on that one.

However, I do agree with others, you’re asking the question because you’re not quite feeling it!

I'd be locking myself into decades of being the only person responsible for ferrying everyone everywhere and doing the in-person shopping.

You wouldn’t, though? Because presumably the hypothetical non-driving partner has found ways of getting himself to places and buying food without a car, so they could just carry on doing that?

I have been with a non-driver for 17 years. I drive, but he is rarely in the car and only is mostly when going on family days out or going on a UK holiday. He rarely asks for lifts, as he is a fitness freak and prefers to bike everywhere. He just isn't interested in learning to drive!

I don't see it as a problem unless he is constantly expecting you to pick him up and drop him off. But that's me. If you do see it as a problem, which it appears you do, then don't pursue anything with the guy.

@GoldenOmber

I'd be locking myself into decades of being the only person responsible for ferrying everyone everywhere and doing the in-person shopping.

You wouldn’t, though? Because presumably the hypothetical non-driving partner has found ways of getting himself to places and buying food without a car, so they could just carry on doing that?

I wouldn't want my hypothetical partner to just get himself around though, I'd want him to take joint responsibility for the children.

I can only reflect on my own experience in that regard, and my kids' lives would have been quite different if they could only go to places their parent could take them to on public transport.

It would have really limited their hobbies and sporting opportunities in particular. For example, the better they became at a sport, the more distant places they needed to travel to for competition, often very early in the morning. I'm very glad the driving could be shared between two people, especially when two kids had to be in different places at once.

@Dontforgetyourbrolly

You are just not into him are you ?regardless if 100% of mumsnetters tell you a non driver is fine , why would you continue seeing someone you think is a bit weird ?

Another MN saying it would be a deal-breaker for me to get into a relationship with someone make or female who couldn't drive and/or wasn't trying to learn.

I love driving and getting out and about - I'm looking for someone similar.

Just read that it's too expensive to take lessons - that would definitely put me off as I like eating out when dating and holidays/short trips (costs split 50/50) so I doubt he could afford his 50% share of that either.
Or he just wants to sit home in front of the telly?

I can't drive due to a neuro condition; my husband is pretty cool about it; we're 10 years in and it hasn't caused a problem yet!

How sad. Global warming is a danger to the world and a lot of the gases destroying the ozone layer are coming from cars, but every adult in the UK is supposed to drive and have a car. I despair

it's not medical by the way. He said lessons are too expensive nowadays.

That and the 'I'm not tight' comment would put me off.

I only know a few non-drivers and they tend to be less independent in my experience. I’m sure there are plenty who get around just as much as if they had a car, and who don’t expect either you come to them or you pick them up, but I haven’t met them personally.

Being with someone of a similar level of independence to me who is also as active and travels as much as me is important. Presumably to non-drivers who never take lifts, being with me when obviously I don’t care as much about the environment as them would be a deal-breaker. It’s all about what you value and think is important. Not shallow at all.

I can only reflect on my own experience in that regard, and my kids' lives would have been quite different if they could only go to places their parent could take them to on public transport.

It would have really limited their hobbies and sporting opportunities in particular. For example, the better they became at a sport, the more distant places they needed to travel to for competition, often very early in the morning. I'm very glad the driving could be shared between two people, especially when two kids had to be in different places at once.

My parents didn't drive - for legitimate reasons - but it was only when my DSis and I I got our own licences that we realised how much we'd missed out on. Our parents realised then too. It couldn't be helped, but our lives and activities had been so limited, but we'd never known just how much. Who was it who said "I've been rich and I've been poor: rich is better" ? I'd say the same about driving - you can manage without it, but I don't understand why anybody would choose not to learn, if they were able to.

Being in a car and driving is a relatively risky activity, typically the most dangerous activity one does in a day. Driverless cars are safer so maybe he's ahead of the times.

Anything carries a risk, but I wouldn't describe driving as particularly risky or dangerous. It sounds a bit defeatist to see it that way.

How sad. Global warming is a danger to the world and a lot of the gases destroying the ozone layer are coming from cars, but every adult in the UK is supposed to drive and have a car. I despair

Nobody is saying that everybody with a driving licence has to drive everywhere and constantly - it's just having the option for when it's the most practical solution. Surely it makes more sense for as many people as possible to be able to make essential journeys by car rather than a proportion of people driving absolutely everywhere, however frivolous and unnecessary their car journeys?

Similarly, we should all be responsible with our water use and not waste it, but that doesn't mean it's a good thing that so many people in the world have no access to clean, safe water at all.

@TedMullins

Oh ffs not this again. It’s not a moral failing not to drive. Maybe he does have a medical reason and doesn’t want to disclose it, maybe he/his parents could never afford it, maybe he’s always lived places where the public transport was reliable, maybe he has tried to learn and just couldn’t do it, some people can’t get their heads around it for anxiety or coordination issues and would frankly be dangerous on the road. I’m a single adult living in London and I’d say about 50% of the other adults I know are non drivers. Although I do agree it would be silly as a non driver to choose to live somewhere rural with bad transport. If you don’t like him, move on, but I do think if you were really into him it wouldn’t be an issue.

All this is true. But being a co-parent with a non-driver is a hassle; every single time my kids need to be taken or picked up from somewhere, whatever time it is, or wherever they need to be, it's me who has to drop whatever I'm doing - making dinner, sleeping, in the middle of a film, entertaining friends - it's me who has to take them. It also means I can never have a drink when we go out as a couple, unless we go on public transport. And when we're on holiday in a remote location I don't like to drink either, just in case there was some kind of emergency and we urgently needed to get somewhere.

I wouldn't want my hypothetical partner to just get himself around though, I'd want him to take joint responsibility for the children.

Hmm. I do feel that I take joint responsibility for my own children, so my view on this is going to be somewhat different. Still, it feels like quite a leap from “occasionally we’d need to get to county-level hurdling tournaments in the middle of nowhere” to “therefore, my partner would be unable to take joint responsibility for our children.”

Presumably if you or your partner lost the ability to drive, you wouldn’t be saying “sorry kids, life’s over” - you’d just mix up responsibilities (driving parent does more of the far-away sporting competitions while non-driving parent does more of the school runs), or get a taxi to 50% of those fixtures?

Having been the solitary driver for nearly 30 years I can confirm that it destroys your soul. Holidays abroad, family bbqs, day trips- never able to have a glass of wine or two. Also once DP has one or two, there is no consideration about me or anything about agreed time to go because they are having a good time. Every weekend consumed with ferrying kids to sports and the added insult of 'driving isn't taxing'. If I could have my time over I would never be with anyone who couldn't drive.

I’m being sexist but if a man can’t drive he seems a bit weaker in my eyes. Dump him

Deal-breaker for me. I want the driving to be shared.

I suspect some of you may have ‘selfish partner’ issues rather than ‘non-driving partner’ issues as such.

It is perfectly possible to be a non-driving adult with a family and still do all the normal family things you might want to do - go out for drinks with someone who also gets to drink, take children to things, go on holidays, etc etc etc. I know, because I do it. And yes I have a medical reason for not driving, but everything I do is equally available to people who just choose not to.

If you’re running round like a blu-arsed fly doing everything for everyone and never even getting a glass of wine while your partner sits on the sofa/barstool going “sorry, love, you’ll have to take this one - can’t drive, remember?” you’re being taken for a ride.

I can’t really argue with the idea expressed by a pp that my children’s lives are actually hugely deprived in a way that I can’t see, because how can you possibly disprove that? (“No, they aren’t.” “Yes they are.”) I guess if I was to say “your children have very sedentary and inactive lives being driven about everywhere, and you just can’t see it because the car is such a fundamental part of your lives” you would equally disagree and it would be equally impossible to have a conversation about it.

My bf and I are both in the same position: got our licences years ago, lived in a city that didn't require a car, got out of practice. (Had a car with exh but he always had it and we couldn't afford a second car.) Neither of us has a car, we have not driven for years.

I'm really enjoying being with a fellow non-driver. We get out and about all the time - transport is excellent here. Being with a driver was always quite annoying as they expected to go everywhere by car and you'd feel like they were in charge, or you should be the grateful little woman being picked up by the man with his Richard-Gere-style white limousine-slash-horse, and you had to hang around waiting for them. With two non-drivers you just meet at the bus, tram or train and set off. You can sit and have a nice chat, both drink alcohol if you like :) and you are equal.

Also, no boring "masculine" "Me man, me have big car" posing.

So I'd advise your guy to find someone who doesn't drive either :)

My now DH was a non driver when we met and for the first year or so. I encouraged him to learn and he did.

I dated (now married) a non driver and taught him to drive myself.
It's fine to be a non driver if you have other arrangements that work.

Being with a driver was always quite annoying as they expected to go everywhere by car and you'd feel like they were in charge, or you should be the grateful little woman being picked up by the man with his Richard-Gere-style white limousine-slash-horse, and you had to hang around waiting for them.

You dated some weird people.

@Hidehi4

My son will never be able to drive due to a brain injury which left him with seizures. I pray to god he will meet someone who isn’t as narrow minded as some of these comments.

That is different @Hidehi4.

Someone not being able to drive because of a medical reason is not the same as someone who never got round to learning.

I hope your son has a full and happy life and meets someone wonderful who makes him happy.

Would turn me right off. I love driving and would rather always be the driver.... but I have 2 kids already...

A couple of female friends who didn't learn to drive, found that when they had babies, it made life a lot easier, and learnt in their 30s. I did not judge them. They had no need to drive before ferrying DC around became an issue. They both said it was difficult. Well done them for learning.