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Original poster

Dating non-driver

134 replies

OkSpiritualknot · 16/06/2021 13:03

Just starting seeing someone, he's divorced, no kids, aged 51.
He doesn't drive. Has never had lessons or wanted to learn

To me, this is a bit strange. He lives about 20 miles away and catches a bus to see me. He keeps mentioning he's not tight... Which to me is a red flag.

I'm very independent, had 2 previous relationships where I've ended up being sponged off and want to avoid this happening again.

I've only had 2 dates, he's keen, but I don't feel right about this. Have others dated non-drivers and it worked out OK?

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 17/06/2021 16:25

@GoldenOmber

Well a weird guy is a weird guy, whether he drives or not. Doesn't sound like the car was inherently the problem here.

No, I don’t think the car caused the weirdness. But if they are weird in that particular way, then obviously they’re not appealing as potential partners if you don’t drive.

Presumably they could all have very happy marriages with all the posters who think men driving is inherently masculine and strong and attractive, they’d be well suited for each other!

It was a non driver who found these weirdos attractive enough to date at some point, so maybe you should ask her.
GoldenOmber · 17/06/2021 16:27

I would never ever dare a non driver (unless it’s because of medical condition)

You won’t have to worry about dating non-drivers who do have a medical condition, either.

Surprisingly enough, it’s not that appealing to hear “non-drivers are basically helpless children who can’t live independently and I’d need to ferry them about everywhere and it would be SO annoying - but you can’t help it so I wouldn’t rule you out”!

DrSbaitso · 17/06/2021 16:29

@GoldenOmber

I would never ever dare a non driver (unless it’s because of medical condition)

You won’t have to worry about dating non-drivers who do have a medical condition, either.

Surprisingly enough, it’s not that appealing to hear “non-drivers are basically helpless children who can’t live independently and I’d need to ferry them about everywhere and it would be SO annoying - but you can’t help it so I wouldn’t rule you out”!

But many people do find it annoying to be the only driver. I know I would, and I wouldn't feel kindly towards a life partner who made it that way by choice. Are we not allowed to feel that way?
GoldenOmber · 17/06/2021 16:29

It was a non driver who found these weirdos attractive enough to date at some point, so maybe you should ask her.

Ask her what? I already know some people have a weird attitude about driving, I recognise the sort of man she’s talking about.

DrSbaitso · 17/06/2021 16:32

@GoldenOmber

It was a non driver who found these weirdos attractive enough to date at some point, so maybe you should ask her.

Ask her what? I already know some people have a weird attitude about driving, I recognise the sort of man she’s talking about.

You said "Presumably they could all have very happy marriages with all the posters who think men driving is inherently masculine and strong and attractive, they’d be well suited for each other."

Odd thing to say given that it was a non driver who was attracted to them at one point, enough to find them very common, and me, a driver, who hasn't dated a person like this and finds them weird.

GoldenOmber · 17/06/2021 16:35

Are we not allowed to feel that way?

No. No you are not. The Coalition of Meanie Non-Drivers is going to make it against the law. Ner

More seriously: I didn’t say you couldn’t date whoever you wanted. I’m saying that telling non-drivers they can’t function as independent adults and then adding “but I’d date them if they had a medical reason for it!” is not quite the generous inclusive gesture I presume it’s intended as. “Oh, you can’t HELP being so pathetic, it’s okay for you!” Er gosh thanks.

GoldenOmber · 17/06/2021 16:37

Odd thing to say given that it was a non driver who was attracted to them at one point, enough to find them very common, and me, a driver, who hasn't dated a person like this and finds them weird.

Why is this working you up so much?

Some men think driving makes them seem manly and powerful. Some women think men driving makes them seem manly and powerful. Presumably they’d be happy with each other. Win-win, no?

WouldBeGood · 17/06/2021 16:39

@GoldenOmber

Are we not allowed to feel that way?

No. No you are not. The Coalition of Meanie Non-Drivers is going to make it against the law. Ner

More seriously: I didn’t say you couldn’t date whoever you wanted. I’m saying that telling non-drivers they can’t function as independent adults and then adding “but I’d date them if they had a medical reason for it!” is not quite the generous inclusive gesture I presume it’s intended as. “Oh, you can’t HELP being so pathetic, it’s okay for you!” Er gosh thanks.

I said that as I find it different as it’s not a choice.
DrSbaitso · 17/06/2021 16:47

@GoldenOmber

Are we not allowed to feel that way?

No. No you are not. The Coalition of Meanie Non-Drivers is going to make it against the law. Ner

More seriously: I didn’t say you couldn’t date whoever you wanted. I’m saying that telling non-drivers they can’t function as independent adults and then adding “but I’d date them if they had a medical reason for it!” is not quite the generous inclusive gesture I presume it’s intended as. “Oh, you can’t HELP being so pathetic, it’s okay for you!” Er gosh thanks.

You feel very strongly about this, and given how happy you claim to be about not driving, it's hard to see why.

Not driving usually does impact upon the other person, sometimes pretty greatly. It's not unreasonable not to want a relationship with someone who is happy for this to be the case if they're doing it by choice. You say we're all accusing you of being pathetic and dependent, but then you try to claim we would be suited to weird men...even when the people who have been dating such weirdos are non drivers.

I think I remember you from other driving threads. Your husband drives, doesn't he?

GoldenOmber · 17/06/2021 16:48

I said that as I find it different as it’s not a choice.

Yes, I appreciate you know it’s not a choice. I’m saying that I wouldn’t want to date someone who thinks that non-drivers can’t live functional independent adult lives in the first place.

GoldenOmber · 17/06/2021 16:49

You say we're all accusing you of being pathetic and dependent, but then you try to claim we would be suited to weird men

No, I’m not.

I think I remember you from other driving threads. Your husband drives, doesn't he?

No, he doesn’t.

WouldBeGood · 17/06/2021 16:49

Seems fair @GoldenOmber 😃

VienneseWhirligig · 17/06/2021 16:51

DH was a non driver when we married, but he had taken his test previously and failed, then became a single dad and couldn't afford it any more. He ended up passing at 45 and was really proud of himself. I can't drive for medical reasons so we were both used to public transport and cabs, and walking places. It was fine. I'm on my own now and manage. Having said that, I live in a city. More rural and it is probably much more of a problem.

GoldenOmber · 17/06/2021 16:58

And I have no issue with someone saying “I live a very car-centric life and I’d only want to be with someone who had the same approach.” Like if you were a vegan who only wanted to date other vegans, or if you loved going wild camping every weekend you wouldn’t be that interested in someone who hated the outdoors.

There’s a difference, though, between that and “urgh no, I could never date a non-driver because they can’t function by themselves and I’d have to do everything for the entire family and it’s such a basic life skill and I see non-drivers as so immature and weak”, etc etc.

billy1966 · 17/06/2021 17:00

There is nothing manly about it.

It's about independence.

I would not like to be married to someone who couldn't be arsed to get their test, therefore leaving all the responsibility of driving to me.

I never came across a man who was precious about it.

Driving is a very handy skill and is the reason so many parents give the lessons as gifts to their children if they are able.

GoldenOmber · 17/06/2021 17:01

Actually my husband can drive to be fair, he’s got a license, he just doesn’t any more. Not sure if that means he’s a driver or not? (Apologies if I took a driving man off the market Wink )

LittleTiger007 · 17/06/2021 17:02

It’s the “I’m not tight” comment and the fact that something seems off… this would make me move on by.

DrSbaitso · 17/06/2021 17:02

@GoldenOmber

You say we're all accusing you of being pathetic and dependent, but then you try to claim we would be suited to weird men

No, I’m not.

I think I remember you from other driving threads. Your husband drives, doesn't he?

No, he doesn’t.

Oh, sorry. On the first point, I got the impression from comments like "telling non-drivers they can’t function as independent adults... I presume it’s intended as 'Oh, you can’t HELP being so pathetic, it’s okay for you!'" and "Presumably they could all have very happy marriages with all the posters who think men driving is inherently masculine and strong and attractive, they’d be well suited for each other". I'm sure you can see why.

On the second, I must be confusing you with someone else who always pops up all over any thread about driving.

DeRigueurMortis · 17/06/2021 17:10

My first reaction is that it would put me off.

I think I relate being able to drive with independence and I'd worry that I'd end up becoming the "taxi".

That said I thinking further on the issue, it can be a bit more nuanced.

For example why don't they drive? A medical condition? Or just have never wanted to?

Where people live is a factor. In a big city/London with good public transport then there are good reasons not to own a car and hence never learning to drive.

So I suppose I'm not sure if I'm honest (in general terms) but from what you've posted it does seem odd that he's saying he's not "tight" but lessons are expensive as if that's the reason.

I think I'd still have in the back of my mind though that if the relationship progressed and we moved i. together that I'd probably come to resent being the only driver and likely be the one to carry all the (significant) costs of car ownership.

GoldenOmber · 17/06/2021 17:11

Presumably they could all have very happy marriages with all the posters who think men driving is inherently masculine and strong and attractive, they’d be well suited for each other". I'm sure you can see why.

If you are one of the posters who finds men driving to be really manly and attractive, why wouldn’t you be happy with one of the men who thinks driving makes them manly and attractive? I’m not saying “all drivers must date weirdos”, I’m saying that if you think men driving is sexy and strong then you’ll presumably get along well with the men who share that view.

I must be confusing you with someone else who always pops up all over any thread about driving.

You’re not the poster who told me once that she couldn’t believe my husband didn’t drive me about everywhere and I must be lying about it, are you? Grin

SenselessUbiquity · 17/06/2021 17:22

"I suspect some of you may have ‘selfish partner’ issues rather than ‘non-driving partner’ issues as such."

But sometimes they go together. OK, some boys / young men come from privileged backgrounds where their parents got them driving lessons or maybe even cars for their 17th birthdays, and so the fact that they can drive just means that they were treated lavishly by their parents. But some men (and women) didn't get that. From that set of people, some of us put money aside weekly from (low paid, if you are young) jobs and committed to learning to do something useful that required you to get up early on a Saturday and spend time and money on that rather than in a bar. I did that - it cost a fortune - I was not a natural driver, I took 3 tests and spent AGES learning and felt the hugest relief when it was done.

Some people, in exactly the same boat, didnt bother.

One of them was my ex. he was a selfish lazy man who always had a reason why his inadequacies were someone else's fault. the driving thing was "my parents never had a car when I was growing up" so he felt he had no one to teach him (I never got in my parents' car once as a pupil and paid for every single lesson from my first steady job). When I was expecting dc1 he booked (and paid for, with family money) a course of 10 lessons, told me he was going to ace it, did the first one at 9am on a Saturday, found it really hard, sacked off the next one with a hangover, can't remember what happened with the rest but he never went to a single other driving lesson.

Yep he's a dickhead qua dickhead rather than simply a non-driver, but he was the same dickhead who couldn't be bothered to do anything hard when he was 40, as when he was 20.

aurynne · 17/06/2021 17:30

It really depends on what kind of life you live.

I love hiking and exploring nature. Most of the places I get to, public transport doesn't. You cannot take the bus to the beginning of a remote track. You cannot decide, in the spur of the moment, to drive up that road and see where it gets you. You cannot just dash to the supermarket in a minute to get some milk, unless you live next door to the supermarket, unless you have a car.

Yes, you can live without one, but personally my car has given me amazing experiences and makes my life easier. I wouldn't choose to live without one and I wouldn't choose to be someone's chauffeur just because they cannot be arsed to drive themselves. The same way i wouldn't be a partner's interpreter forever while living in a foreign country when i have made the effort to learn the langiage and he hasn't. You cannot expect to reap the rewards of a skill which requires a lot of work to acquire when you never actually put the work in. Life is tough.

A non-driving partner would soon become a pain in the arse, because I would want to share the driving and I would still expect to get to places fast, and not wait 5 hours for a person to arrive using public transport when it takes me 30 min to get there. So no, I wouldn't consider a non-driving partner. If it's not an issue for them, they are welcome to look for another non-driving partner and enjoy endless bus trips forever while I actually use the best part of the day for more interesting things.

PurpleWh1teGreen · 17/06/2021 17:43

I suspect some of you may have ‘selfish partner’ issues rather than ‘non-driving partner’ issues as such

Unfortunately, they can go together. A non-driver could be - but isn't necessarily - a sign that someone doesn't take adulting seriously. I'd need to know they were otherwise competent.

ravenmum · 17/06/2021 18:19

It was a non driver who found these weirdos attractive enough to date at some point, so maybe you should ask her.
Who's she, the cat's mother? Grin
Have you never heard of the idea that some men use their car as a penis extension? Or about the men posing with their cars on OLD? What part of the world do you live in where men who use their cars as status symbols to impress women are considered such weirdos that they are shunned by society? I'd love to join you there! Honestly, where I live, in my age range, if I turned down all the men who got off on having powerful cars, the dates would be few and far between.

ravenmum · 17/06/2021 18:22

Oh, and I'm not a non-driver as such; I can drive, and drove for years. I once drove a Trabant from Germany to the UK in shifts with my ex :) I just don't have a car any more.