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Original poster

Dating non-driver

134 replies

OkSpiritualknot · 16/06/2021 13:03

Just starting seeing someone, he's divorced, no kids, aged 51.
He doesn't drive. Has never had lessons or wanted to learn

To me, this is a bit strange. He lives about 20 miles away and catches a bus to see me. He keeps mentioning he's not tight... Which to me is a red flag.

I'm very independent, had 2 previous relationships where I've ended up being sponged off and want to avoid this happening again.

I've only had 2 dates, he's keen, but I don't feel right about this. Have others dated non-drivers and it worked out OK?

OP posts:
CandidaAlbicans2 · 17/06/2021 09:38

The reason behind it, and his attitude to not being able to share driving, would determine whether I found the man attractive or not. If he couldn't for medical reasons and was sensitive to the fact driving comes as a cost (not just financially) to me, then it could be OK if we lived in a metropolitan area. However, where I live there isn't decent public transport, and as I don't want to always be the designated driver in a relationship, it wouldn't work for me.

Woeismethischristmas · 17/06/2021 09:45

I didn’t used to drive, lived centrally in a city with good public transport. Bought a house in the country and learnt to drive. I don’t think it matters unless you’re having to drive him around. Is he tight though? That would put me off entirely.

Beautiful3 · 17/06/2021 09:45

Personally I wouldn't want to date someone who didn't drive. It would put me off. Before I'd go out with someone I'd want to know that they have a job and can drive.

wherewildflowersgrow · 17/06/2021 10:02

I think the real issue here is not the driving but the fact your instincts are against him. Definitely bin.

LonstantonSpiceMuseum · 17/06/2021 10:09

I don't drive, will learn eventually but manage my life without needing to (strategicly placed for work, childcare schools, live in big city etc)
I'm very organised when it comes to transport, food deliveries and willing to get the odd taxi for trips out.
Many people live like this, 30/40 years ago cars were much less common - and I grew up in the countryside.
You have to accept that you just can't do all the things you want, when you want all the time. This is fine for me, but not others who might want to live life differently
It depends if he is just lazy or prefers a different lifestyle! Then maybe you're just not compatible. Always a good conversation to have early on in the relationship.

ravenmum · 17/06/2021 14:47

@DrSbaitso

Being with a driver was always quite annoying as they expected to go everywhere by car and you'd feel like they were in charge, or you should be the grateful little woman being picked up by the man with his Richard-Gere-style white limousine-slash-horse, and you had to hang around waiting for them.

You dated some weird people.

You think it's unusual for people with cars to expect to drive everywhere, or you think it's unusual for a man with a car, picking up a woman with no car, to feel like they are a big strong masculine man and in charge of the situation?

Considering the number of people on this thread who have said they wouldn't date a man who can't drive as he's not masculine enough for them, I get the impression that the latter is a point of view that's relatively common among both men and women.

ravenmum · 17/06/2021 14:49

(The extreme nature of my own experience may be partly down to the fact I am in Germany - so far almost all the men I have dated have been into some kind of powerful vehicle in a big way. British motorways don't allow for quite the same level of posing.)

DrSbaitso · 17/06/2021 14:53

You think it's unusual for people with cars to expect to drive everywhere, or you think it's unusual for a man with a car, picking up a woman with no car, to feel like they are a big strong masculine man and in charge of the situation?

All the men I've dated in my adult life were drivers, and none of them expected me to be the "grateful little woman being picked up by the man with his Richard-Gere-style white limousine-slash-horse", or any of the other weird stuff you describe. They were just drivers. Like me. It's a pretty common life skill. I can't see the amount of whatever the heck it is you describe in it.

You dated some very weird people.

GoldenOmber · 17/06/2021 15:00

and none of them expected me to be the "grateful little woman being picked up by the man with his Richard-Gere-style white limousine-slash-horse", or any of the other weird stuff you describe. They were just drivers. Like me.

It is a thing with some men, though. Perhaps easier to notice if you aren’t a driver yourself? “We should go everywhere by car because it suits me, but also I expect you to be suitably grateful for me ferrying you around and will make a big fuss of it in front of others,” sort of thing. It is weird.

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/06/2021 15:12

@GoldenOmber

and none of them expected me to be the "grateful little woman being picked up by the man with his Richard-Gere-style white limousine-slash-horse", or any of the other weird stuff you describe. They were just drivers. Like me.

It is a thing with some men, though. Perhaps easier to notice if you aren’t a driver yourself? “We should go everywhere by car because it suits me, but also I expect you to be suitably grateful for me ferrying you around and will make a big fuss of it in front of others,” sort of thing. It is weird.

But from some of the comments on this thread, it also goes the other way: some women consider driving manly, masculine, a sign of being an independent adult, and would feel like a man’s mummy if she was driving him somewhere (but presumably wouldn’t make them feel like daddy’s daughter if they were the one being driven.)
ComtesseDeSpair · 17/06/2021 15:13

Back in the real world, I do our driving and hence we have a Lotus Elise because as the driver the car is my choice and I’ll hear nothing from DP about being practical or sensible. It’s a win for me.

ravenmum · 17/06/2021 15:26

@GoldenOmber

and none of them expected me to be the "grateful little woman being picked up by the man with his Richard-Gere-style white limousine-slash-horse", or any of the other weird stuff you describe. They were just drivers. Like me.

It is a thing with some men, though. Perhaps easier to notice if you aren’t a driver yourself? “We should go everywhere by car because it suits me, but also I expect you to be suitably grateful for me ferrying you around and will make a big fuss of it in front of others,” sort of thing. It is weird.

Yes, probably because I don't have a car myself it makes some men feel all the more masculine picking me up. One even took me to the car showroom on a date! Maybe also an age thing? The Richard Gere comparison is obviously mine - the scene from Pretty Woman? It was a life goal for some men in those days. It may not be 1990 any more, but the men I'm dating learned to drive back then, and some part of them may well be stuck there.
GoldenOmber · 17/06/2021 15:30

some women consider driving manly, masculine, a sign of being an independent adult, and would feel like a man’s mummy if she was driving him somewhere

Yes I find that a bit odd too tbh, but each to their own.

billy1966 · 17/06/2021 15:30

Driving is a basic skill IMO.

I wouldn't wish to be the only driver in a relationship.

I would be wary of anyone telling you they are NOT tight.
Only tight people do that.

Wilma55 · 17/06/2021 15:42

My ex was from Birmingham and worked in London so never bothered learning to drive - also liked a drink. I bought him driving lessons for his birthday and he soon passed his test. Shortly after we split up he was banned for driving over the limit.

FakeColinCaterpillar · 17/06/2021 15:50

I’ve got 2 good friends whose husbands don’t drive. Where we live public transport is slow and crap (I know as I passed my test relatively late).
The main issue for them is picking up ALL the children’s activities, parties, when they are sick from school.
One of them works a fair distance away involving a train and a bus. It means he gets home late every night as his journey takes so long so can’t do pickups, meals. His wife had to take older child to Cubs a few days after giving birth as he couldn’t take them. I know she was furious and told him he had to learn. He hasn’t

Wannabegreenfingers · 17/06/2021 15:52

Another no from me through choice. Medical reasons is different.

Saying I'm not tight would raise suspicions, but I'd give it a few more dates if this is the only issue

WouldBeGood · 17/06/2021 16:03

I would never ever dare a non driver (unless it’s because of medical condition)

Can’t be arsed with non-drivers, and it’s inevitable you become the taxi service and general go to for anything needing fetched/bought or done.

PurpleWh1teGreen · 17/06/2021 16:04

Have a party animal friend who didn't drive and spent her twenties being ferried around by a succession of men. She admitted it was fun, saved her money and meant she got to drink a lot on nights out. She then settled down and had a child in her thirties and basically grew up. She soon learned to drive.

My worry with a 51 year old who didn't drive would be to ask if they'd ever grown up. As PP have said, fine if they have always lived in a city but a Dad living in a rural area who didn't drive would make me think cocklodger.

Wannabangbang · 17/06/2021 16:06

I don't drive, never have. Tried lessons when i was younger and realised it wasn't for me. The expense of a car takes so much finance away. If i met a new partner i wouldn't expect them to drive me anywhere but I would expect them to take me at face value and not judge me as weird. Just see how it pans out, give him a chance.

DrSbaitso · 17/06/2021 16:10

@GoldenOmber

and none of them expected me to be the "grateful little woman being picked up by the man with his Richard-Gere-style white limousine-slash-horse", or any of the other weird stuff you describe. They were just drivers. Like me.

It is a thing with some men, though. Perhaps easier to notice if you aren’t a driver yourself? “We should go everywhere by car because it suits me, but also I expect you to be suitably grateful for me ferrying you around and will make a big fuss of it in front of others,” sort of thing. It is weird.

Well a weird guy is a weird guy, whether he drives or not. Doesn't sound like the car was inherently the problem here.
WouldBeGood · 17/06/2021 16:13

People always come on these threads and say they don’t expect to be driven, but that’s not how it works out. If one person has a car snd can drive it’s inevitable.

Wannabangbang · 17/06/2021 16:15

I don't think that's true, I've managed without help of a car with a family. We always catch buses, taxis or trains, never relied on anyone to ferry me about as I'm still independent.

WouldBeGood · 17/06/2021 16:16

I dont mean people can’t manage without a car @Wannabangbang but in relationships or friendships it happens

GoldenOmber · 17/06/2021 16:19

Well a weird guy is a weird guy, whether he drives or not. Doesn't sound like the car was inherently the problem here.

No, I don’t think the car caused the weirdness. But if they are weird in that particular way, then obviously they’re not appealing as potential partners if you don’t drive.

Presumably they could all have very happy marriages with all the posters who think men driving is inherently masculine and strong and attractive, they’d be well suited for each other!