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Original poster

Dating non-driver

134 replies

OkSpiritualknot · 16/06/2021 13:03

Just starting seeing someone, he's divorced, no kids, aged 51.
He doesn't drive. Has never had lessons or wanted to learn

To me, this is a bit strange. He lives about 20 miles away and catches a bus to see me. He keeps mentioning he's not tight... Which to me is a red flag.

I'm very independent, had 2 previous relationships where I've ended up being sponged off and want to avoid this happening again.

I've only had 2 dates, he's keen, but I don't feel right about this. Have others dated non-drivers and it worked out OK?

OP posts:
Peach01 · 16/06/2021 15:38

I wouldn't care unless someone was expecting me to run around after them. He's got to 51 and managed. I don't see it as a big deal.

Original poster
OkSpiritualknot · 16/06/2021 16:14

Thank you everyone for your answers. I'm going to think things over, it's not medical by the way. He said lessons are too expensive nowadays. But then I just wonder why he didn't have them when he was younger, when it wasn't so expensive....

OP posts:
Facelikeanose · 16/06/2021 19:28

If you’re fixated on this so much I’d say let him go. You don’t sound particularly arsed.

Peach01 · 16/06/2021 21:22

He's maybe not needed to rely on a car in the past either.

Lampzade · 16/06/2021 21:24

I would only be ok with this if there was a medical reason for being a non driver.
I would find it off putting if my dp/dh couldn’t drive because I wouldn’t want to be lumbered with all the driving.

Ginger1982 · 16/06/2021 21:26

Nah, I wouldn't be keen on that. Being the only driver is a massive PITA.

Purplecatshopaholic · 16/06/2021 21:28

My bf doesn’t drive. I didn’t know at first. I drive, but have no desire to be the only driver in a relationship. I put up with it but it’s total pita.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 16/06/2021 22:28

He says I'm judging him and it's not a negative. It's just like saying 'i don't speak french' same as 'i don't drive'. I'm not sure they are the same

It's the equivalent of saying "I don't speak French" when you've moved to France and lived there now for decades. If you never go to France or have cause to communicate with French speakers, it's not really a problem; similarly, if you want to live in a society where you have frequent access to the benefits of travelling in a car, you either get used to paying for taxis all the time or otherwise take some adult responsibility and prioritise learning as soon as you can, unless you have a genuine reason why you can't.

QueSeraSarah · 16/06/2021 22:29

Nope. Next...

MerryChristmasToYou · 16/06/2021 22:54

I wouldn't date someone who couldn't drive.

eleda542 · 16/06/2021 23:05

No. Could there be another reasons? Maybe disqualified from driving at some point and test required to get get licence back. Very strange at that age not to want to drive.

JamieLeeBee · 16/06/2021 23:15

@OkSpiritualknot

Thank you everyone for your answers. I'm going to think things over, it's not medical by the way. He said lessons are too expensive nowadays. But then I just wonder why he didn't have them when he was younger, when it wasn't so expensive....
Maybe, like many of us, he couldn't afford lessons in the past, or indeed the upkeep of a car...

I still can't, my daughters dad also didn't drive, I would never base a relationship on someone's ability to drive. Wouldn't even enter my mind to be that shallow.

I've recently met someone new who does drive, not that I knew this when we met. However, as much as he is happy to give me lifts places, I rarely accept as I don't expect him to. He is equally happy to run other family and friends about. Wouldn't imagine he has been slagging my inability to drive off...

MerryChristmasToYou · 16/06/2021 23:17

It's not shallow, it's a life skill that matters to me. I dated someone who didn't have a car but could drive and it was a PITA.

In fact, I find it shallow of you to judge me.

Fl0w3r · 16/06/2021 23:18

Tbh it seems like it's not just the no driving that's the issue here. You mentioned you don't feel right & raised a few points as to why you think you don't.

But listen to your gut. It's often correct. If it doesn't feel right then it's not.

GoldenOmber · 16/06/2021 23:29

If you really really care deeply about it, drop him and move on. You don’t value the same things and you aren’t going to see eye-to-eye.

I’m a non-driver, for a proper medical reason and everything. I wouldn’t particularly want to get into a relationship with someone who really cared all that much about their partner driving.

GoldenOmber · 16/06/2021 23:33

Also, to be honest, if I’d been on two dates with someone and we’d already had what sounds like multiple conversations about why I didn’t drive, I’d be taking that as my cue to move on already.

again2020 · 16/06/2021 23:39

There's something a bit unmasculine about a man who doesn't want to learn to drive. Sorry if that makes me sound like an arsehole 🙈

Lampzade · 16/06/2021 23:41

@again2020

There's something a bit unmasculine about a man who doesn't want to learn to drive. Sorry if that makes me sound like an arsehole 🙈
I know exactly what you mean
TedMullins · 16/06/2021 23:44

Oh ffs not this again. It’s not a moral failing not to drive. Maybe he does have a medical reason and doesn’t want to disclose it, maybe he/his parents could never afford it, maybe he’s always lived places where the public transport was reliable, maybe he has tried to learn and just couldn’t do it, some people can’t get their heads around it for anxiety or coordination issues and would frankly be dangerous on the road. I’m a single adult living in London and I’d say about 50% of the other adults I know are non drivers. Although I do agree it would be silly as a non driver to choose to live somewhere rural with bad transport. If you don’t like him, move on, but I do think if you were really into him it wouldn’t be an issue.

VestaRose · 17/06/2021 00:02

My dp doesn't drive and it's a massive pain, so much that I drove myself to hospital in labour and home with my newborn the same day. He expects lifts, as his mother obliges taking him to work etc (he's 44). I also hate having to do the shopping etc as he doesn't drive. Resentment creeps in.
I wouldn't recommend it!

Hidehi4 · 17/06/2021 00:10

My son will never be able to drive due to a brain injury which left him with seizures. I pray to god he will meet someone who isn’t as narrow minded as some of these comments.

Enough4me · 17/06/2021 00:13

I stopped dating a man and pulled back from a friendship due to expectation that because I own a car and can drive I should take on the role. My date said he wasn't going to learn as he could run between places (but expected me to be the driver for dates and he'd drink), the friend thought I would accept her using me as a free door to door taxi for shopping. Neither offered me petrol or parking money.

I think he is tight & he expects you to run a car and be the driver.

Vikingintraining · 17/06/2021 00:15

I don't drive, never had lessons, never thought about it. I get around perfectly well on bike and public transport. Why is it strange? It's not compulsory to drive.

Geanna2 · 17/06/2021 00:21

Bit shallow really.

Providora · 17/06/2021 00:23

@TedMullins

Oh ffs not this again. It’s not a moral failing not to drive. Maybe he does have a medical reason and doesn’t want to disclose it, maybe he/his parents could never afford it, maybe he’s always lived places where the public transport was reliable, maybe he has tried to learn and just couldn’t do it, some people can’t get their heads around it for anxiety or coordination issues and would frankly be dangerous on the road. I’m a single adult living in London and I’d say about 50% of the other adults I know are non drivers. Although I do agree it would be silly as a non driver to choose to live somewhere rural with bad transport. If you don’t like him, move on, but I do think if you were really into him it wouldn’t be an issue.
It's not a moral issue (for most anyway, I think the whole 'masculine' argument is utter bollocks!) it's a practical one.

It wouldn't bother me at my stage in life when kids are more or less grown up and I rarely need my car anyway because of where I live. If my partner and I are going out for dinner/drinks, neither of us drive.

But if I was younger and looking for someone to start a family with it'd be a huge issue, because I'd be locking myself into decades of being the only person responsible for ferrying everyone everywhere and doing the in-person shopping. That's a big ask.

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