Do you really need friends?

HigglePiggle976 · 2021-06-16T10:25:32+00:00

Just really wondering on the psychology of it? Everyone seems to say that you should have friends, it's unhealthy not to but to be honest I can't be bothered. In my youth there'd be the usual bunch that you'd 'hang around with' but I'd always find that it was just small talk, or banter (mickey-taking). Never anyone really interested in me as a person. I'm now 25yrs+ married and have my 'friend'. I got friendly with one person (same gender) a couple of years back having mutual interest and would spend a lot of time together and enjoy conversation but then I found they they got too needy. I was getting repeated texts and attempts onto long conversations yet I am happy with just keeping at arm's length. When I flexed / stated my boundaries, sadly they got upset and left the picture. I now find again in adulthood that the 'bunch' with similar interests are the same; small-talk, banter, sport etc. Perhaps I'm wanting my cake and eat it? Perhaps they're behaving the same, wanting people at arm's length? I say, I don't need it and can't be bothered. Any thoughts anyone?

OrchestraOfWankery · 16/06/2021 11:33

I can't be bothered now either. I gradually let friendships fade. I'm old though!

I enjoyed having friends in my younger years.

OohKittens · 16/06/2021 11:34

I'm 36 I have no friends and I bloody love it. Much prefer the company of my cats and dog.

BrownTableMat · 16/06/2021 11:36

I think it’s a bit sad to put all your eggs in one basket as far as human companionship goes. What happens if (heaven forbid) something happens to your partner, or you split up? Also, men statistically die earlier than women. My mother, who’s always disdained female friendship, is having a very lonely old age in her widowhood.

I don’t think friends are a necessity, no, but I can’t imagine, personally, that I’d enjoy my life very much without them. That said, I am terminally single.

Azerothi · 16/06/2021 11:38

I had a very serious, completely life-changing accident a few years ago and lost all my friends. I wish I had never bothered in the first place, I deeply regret all the nice things I did for them.

seensome · 16/06/2021 11:39

I think we need friends, however everyone is different on how many, how often they need contact, there is a pressure for people to have plenty of friends because it's deemed odd to be a loner, personally I don't care if people think I'm more of a loner, have a few friends that I keep in touch with now and again and when I do see them I appreciate it and it really lifts my spirits up but everyday contact would be too much. I recently made a friend that would randomly call and message daily, it would far too much, weekly or longer is fine. I interact with colleagues so I have human contact and mostly that is enough.
I miss having a partner but not fussed about friends.

Insignificantintheschemeofthin · 16/06/2021 11:44

Different people have different definitions of friends don't they? And some people collect 'friends' like status symbols. I would much rather have one person I truly connect with than several 'friends' who you just tolerate for the sake of being seen to have friends.

PersonaNonGarter · 16/06/2021 11:47

I think everyone needs friends. If not today, then at sometime.

CrazyNeighbour · 16/06/2021 11:48

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DarlingWithoutYou · 16/06/2021 11:52

My partner is my everything, but I couldn't cope without a few friends too.

ComtesseDeSpair · 16/06/2021 11:57

You don’t have to have friends, no. But I think there’s a difference between feeling you don’t really need friends because you genuinely have a rich, wonderful life with just your partner, children, other family members, pets and your own company; and avoiding friendships because you think other people are always out to stab you in the back or going to let you down or won’t behave the way you think they should. The former is pretty healthy; the latter isn’t, and people who feel that way aren’t usually actually happy about themselves or their lack of friends.

I’d be lost without my friends, they’re an enormous part of my life. But then, all the friendship issues I read about on MN are completely alien to me, I don’t know what it’s like to feel like you have to put boundaries in place or believe you’re the one doing all the leg work whilst your friends take the piss or think you have to worry about being “wendied” etc - I left all that behind at secondary school and all my friendships are really enjoyable, easy sailing with mutual love and care and support.

ClawedButler · 16/06/2021 12:02

Friends mean an awful lot to me. I didn't really have a lot of friends growing up, so I really deeply value friendships as an adult. I think I am probably a bit too dependent on friendships though, and I am aware that I measure my self-worth by how many friends I have.

Lookdeepintotheparka · 16/06/2021 12:07

I have quite a few groups of friends but really don't strive to have anyone too close. They're great to meet up with and have a laugh with but I don't keep in touch with anyone on a daily basis.

I do lots of emotional support in my job at work and the selfish part of me couldn't cope with anything outside of that!

Mummytomylittlegirl · 16/06/2021 12:12

@BrownTableMat

I think it’s a bit sad to put all your eggs in one basket as far as human companionship goes. What happens if (heaven forbid) something happens to your partner, or you split up? Also, men statistically die earlier than women. My mother, who’s always disdained female friendship, is having a very lonely old age in her widowhood.

I don’t think friends are a necessity, no, but I can’t imagine, personally, that I’d enjoy my life very much without them. That said, I am terminally single.

I agree with this. PIL have no one, but Dh and our family. It’s awfully intense. I’m dreading one of them passing away…

I love my friends. I don’t have many but I really value what they bring to my life. My best friend passed away and I felt like part of me was missing, and I would be sad if DD doesn’t find some lovely, true friendships like I have had one day.

RB68 · 16/06/2021 12:12

I choose friends, I have alot of acquaintances, Hi and chat etc but just a small handful of closer friends ( 2 or 3 really) but these are phone in the middle of the night, on the run from the police, escape type friends. We have all had out issues with relationships/work and life but fundamentally we support each other and when its too much we say so or put boundaries around that support so we don't emotionally wear each other out. I do struggle finding like minded folk but I am quite forthright sometimes and it does put people off - but I can't bear fluff folk

SleepingStandingUp · 16/06/2021 12:17

We all have different needs and if you get sufficient companionship for you from your DH then that's fine. My concern for someone who relied entirely on their DP for companionship would be what happens if their partner predeceased them.

In my youth... Never anyone really interested in me as a person
I got friendly with one person... too needy... I am happy with just keeping at arm's length.
Whenn I flexed / stated my boundaries, sadly they got upset and left the picture.
Well at the start you comment about people not being interested enough in you bit when someone is, you don't want them to be. Seems like anyone being friendly can't win.

If you're happy, it's fine

GloriousMystery · 16/06/2021 12:21

@ComtesseDeSpair

You don’t have to have friends, no. But I think there’s a difference between feeling you don’t really need friends because you genuinely have a rich, wonderful life with just your partner, children, other family members, pets and your own company; and avoiding friendships because you think other people are always out to stab you in the back or going to let you down or won’t behave the way you think they should. The former is pretty healthy; the latter isn’t, and people who feel that way aren’t usually actually happy about themselves or their lack of friends.

I’d be lost without my friends, they’re an enormous part of my life. But then, all the friendship issues I read about on MN are completely alien to me, I don’t know what it’s like to feel like you have to put boundaries in place or believe you’re the one doing all the leg work whilst your friends take the piss or think you have to worry about being “wendied” etc - I left all that behind at secondary school and all my friendships are really enjoyable, easy sailing with mutual love and care and support.

Yes, this.

It also sounds to me, OP, as if you're actually extremely inexperienced with friendships, if what you mention is a casual group when you were very young and one individual friend when you were older, plus your spouse.

That's really not a lot to base your understanding of friendship on, far less to dismiss it as 'too much bother'. Like @ComtesseDeSpair, I simply don't recognise the high-drama, endlessly fraught friendships described on here -- my oldest friends are very scattered all over the world these days, but they enhance my life endlessly, and, having just moved countries before the first lockdown, one of the nice things about emerging from restrictions in a new place is the idea of making new friends. I met someone for coffee last week, and she was wonderful.

Surfisup · 16/06/2021 12:22

I have lots of friends and cherish them all.
School friends for 40 years.
Mum friends for 20 years.
Friends from my uni days and druggy days
Two very close friends
And my best friend, my partner.
Still see them all.

shockingblue · 16/06/2021 12:22

I'm not bothered at all. The Friends I have like to make comments about town I live in, my home, where I go away to and what I eat there.
Never happy for anything I do so could take or leave my friendships now.

Bluntness100 · 16/06/2021 12:23

I think if you’re happy it is fine, for me this wouldn’t work, I value my friends and my social life, it’s important to me.

VettiyaIruken · 16/06/2021 12:24

Depends on the person. Some people need them, some people want them, some people aren't bothered one way or the other and some people would rather stick forks in their eyes.

corahallett · 16/06/2021 12:29

I have, in theory, plenty of friends - if I make an effort there is always someone I can meet up with, talk to etc. However in practice I find friendships at that level quite hard going as I don't always feel like I get much out of it, it's very surface level. I would love to have just one or two friends that I felt more of a connection/bond with, but I have moved around a lot, and keeping friendships going long distance seems to be hard for people with young families and busy lives, and I've found that once I've moved (again!) I'm kind of out of sight out of mind.

I'm at my happiest just with DH, but I'm fully aware that it's an 'all my eggs in one basket' scenario as someone has said above, particularly as I don't have DCs and am not close to my (very small) family. If there was an emergency, I literally have no-one I am close enough to that I could call to come and help. It does concern me.

I just seem to find it hard to find similar people to connect with, I'm very laid back, quite quiet and introvert, and low drama, and a lot of the people I know are the opposite, and as a result friendships seem too much like hard work.

shockingblue · 16/06/2021 12:30

Ps also I don't measure my self worth on how many friends I have.
I could have a lot more. The opportunities have/are there but I like to keep people at arms length.
Have been let down before and don't want or need the hassle now.
I am happy and if I change my mind in the future I can make friends then.

yellowDahlia · 16/06/2021 12:33

I don't have many close friends, but I do find myself wishing I had more. I would like to be able to chat with friends I could confide in and really connect with - a lot of my existing friendships are quite superficial, although I'll take responsibility for that as I'm an introvert and it takes a bit for me to open up with people.

Maybe it's the lack of human interaction during the past year but I'm definitely missing having that connection with someone who isn't DH or another family member.

I see pics of others out for drinks with their friendship groups or even doing holidays or other activities (pre-covid obvs) with their best friends and I feel a bit sad that I don't have someone like that.

So yeah, I think friendships are important but I do recognise that wish to have them on your own terms. Unfortunately it doesn't always work that way.

ValleyClouds · 16/06/2021 12:35

@Azerothi

I had a very serious, completely life-changing accident a few years ago and lost all my friends. I wish I had never bothered in the first place, I deeply regret all the nice things I did for them.

This happens to the majority of people with long term illness or disability.

It takes acquiring one to recognise how many friendships are actually transactional/currency and based on what you can OFFER rather than WHO you are.

NormHonal · 16/06/2021 12:36

I've been guilty in my younger years of prioritising my partner, but having grown older and moved around a few times, I appreciate my friends more. I don't need lots and lots of them, but have found that putting all of my eggs in one basket is risky. Casting my net a little bit wider (3-5 trusted people who I invest time and effort into within boundaries) works well for me - discussing all of this with a counsellor has been very helpful. The friendships don't have to be for life, they can be anchored on an activity, child or school, although you do get those rare gems that tick multiple boxes and stick around. Those people: You miss them when they're gone.