Do you really need friends?

[HigglePiggle976]

Just really wondering on the psychology of it?
Everyone seems to say that you should have friends, it's unhealthy not to but to be honest I can't be bothered.
In my youth there'd be the usual bunch that you'd 'hang around with' but I'd always find that it was just small talk, or banter (mickey-taking). Never anyone really interested in me as a person.
I'm now 25yrs+ married and have my 'friend'.
I got friendly with one person (same gender) a couple of years back having mutual interest and would spend a lot of time together and enjoy conversation but then I found they they got too needy. I was getting repeated texts and attempts onto long conversations yet I am happy with just keeping at arm's length. When I flexed / stated my boundaries, sadly they got upset and left the picture.
I now find again in adulthood that the 'bunch' with similar interests are the same; small-talk, banter, sport etc.
Perhaps I'm wanting my cake and eat it? Perhaps they're behaving the same, wanting people at arm's length?
I say, I don't need it and can't be bothered.
Any thoughts anyone?

I’d be very miserable without my friends. We have a whatsapp group and talk nearly every day (and other friends I speak to less often) and go on trips, holidays, out for drinks, meals, to visit each other etc. I had an awful time with friendships at school and was bullied but my adult friends really enrich my life - it’s not surface level small talk, it’s everything from passionate debates to supporting one of us through a crisis to sharing silly memes or asking advice.

While friends have come and gone and some have let me down, no one has let me down or disappointed me as much as romantic partners. In my experience these cannot be relied on - partners come and go but friends are there to help you pick up the pieces

This is interesting
It’s always me planning the coffee or get together.
I often wonder who would contact me if I stopped contacting them.
I worry I force the relationships ,and that they would naturally fizzle out if I didn’t keep asking people for a get together.
I also always put huge effort in to birthdays,Christmas presents, always going the extra mile ,yet never having the same returned
Makes me sad

Interesting thread. I'm old and am lucky enough to have a partner who is my best friend. I'm not sure I have other friends. Acquaintances yes, friends no. I don't really get friendships. Don't know how to maintain them.

I dunno. I had a massive letdown from someone I thought was a close friend in my early 20s (she basically dropped me and said some really hurtful things when I was struggling with severe depression and suicidal feelings) and I think that sort of reset my attitude to friendships. I don’t really depend on them, I don’t feel entitled to their time or support, they’re just a really nice to have and I cherish any connection we make and realness we share, if that makes any sense? I think very few people manage the Hollywood ideal of a group of close female friends who you can always rely on and will always be there for you. I take my love, connection and support (and I hope give it) where I can, and don’t expect more than people can give, and that seems to work for me. I don’t have masses of friends and I’ve never, even in childhood, really had a ‘gang’ or group of friends, but as an adult as I’ve gone on I’ve gathered some immensely wonderful and precious people who really enrich my life, individually, and I hope I offer them something too.

I wouldn't say I have (or ever have had) close friends. BUT. I keep in sporadic touch with some people from Uni 20 years ago, and I have 'mum friends' from school who I'll go out for coffee or breakfast with (well, when we can), or we'll take the kids out on playdates together etc. and I do enjoy a chat and the occasional company - but we all also have our own lives so don't feel snubbed if someone doesn't respond immediately, or goes quiet for a couple of weeks.

Cynically, these are my most valuable friends, as they're the ones I'll call if I need help with the kids some time (eg. I have my vaccine this week, so one of them is picking my kids up from school for me), and they can call me similarly if they need a favour.

I'm still smarting from breaking up with my ex, who I thought was a fantastic friend, but turned out to have been hiding that he was a total prick for 15 years (kicking myself, because others already had that opinion of him, but I thought I was special), so I'm not sure I'm ever going to be a 'best friend' type of person ever again.

@Silvercatowner

Interesting thread. I'm old and am lucky enough to have a partner who is my best friend. I'm not sure I have other friends. Acquaintances yes, friends no. I don't really get friendships. Don't know how to maintain them.

I feel like this about relationships. It’s a mystery to me how anyone finds it easy to meet someone who wants to be with them, uncomplicatedly expresses that, doesn’t lie, change their mind, not know what they want, panic about commitment, disappear into the ether, not step up when needed… every single romantic encounter I’ve had has been negative and unhealthy, without exception. I’m pretty good on the friends front but I’ve accepted I’m going to be single forever and be eaten by pugs

I really value my friends, they add a lot to my life and I hope I am a good friend to them.

I think it's very easy to say 'you don't need friends' because you've got a DH/DP but what happens if he dies or leaves you (or you leave him)? I would never rely totally on one person to fulfill all my emotional & social needs. I am a early 60s and I see many people totally 'alone' in life because they have never bothered to make friends. My own mother is late 80s but has a rich and rewarding lifestyle - mainly due having so many friends - and even when she moved 5 years ago she still made the effort to join things and make new friends in her 80s.

I love my friends dearly, they are like sisters to me. I'd be extremely sad not to have them.

I have loads of friends. Most of them I guess kind of superficial. Well, that's not the right word but many of them may well fade away as life goes on and we move on.

I have a handful who would absolutely be there for me in need, and whom I absolutely respect and adore. Even the ones who have the potential to 'fade away' are still lovely people and I feel sure if I needed them they would step up.

@Summersnake

This is interesting It’s always me planning the coffee or get together. I often wonder who would contact me if I stopped contacting them. I worry I force the relationships ,and that they would naturally fizzle out if I didn’t keep asking people for a get together. I also always put huge effort in to birthdays,Christmas presents, always going the extra mile ,yet never having the same returned Makes me sad

I'm the same, except I don't make an effort for Christmas and birthdays because that just leads to me feeling used.

Coming out of lockdown I think I'm going to start implementing a '3 invitation rule'. If I get "not next week I'm too busy" 3 times in a row when I suggest meeting up, I'm going to not contact the person again. I think that's fair. I don't feel like I want to make all the effort any more.

If someone asked me to meet up and I couldn't do the suggested week I'd make an alternative suggestion myself. Or if I was going to be busy for an extended period of time I'd say so and I'd make sure to remember to get back in touch with the person when life was quieter and suggest a meet up then. I wouldn't wait around expecting the other person to contact me all the time. So I don't think it's unreasonable of me to expect others to also make the effort to get in touch.

The ones who don't bother to reply at all within a week I'll let them go and not contact them again.

I think if someone doesn't want to put any effort into the friendship and take some of the responsibility for making it happen then neither do I. I won't have hard feelings about it all. If people decide to contact me in the future, even years later, I'll be happy to meet up, but they'll have to make the first move.

I agree with the PP who said about friendships often being transactional. When I stopped running round after others, helping them out with endless favours or going places they wanted to go but I didn't, I discovered a lot of them no longer had time for me.

@Silvercatowner

Interesting thread. I'm old and am lucky enough to have a partner who is my best friend. I'm not sure I have other friends. Acquaintances yes, friends no. I don't really get friendships. Don't know how to maintain them.

What do people on here mean when they say "I'm old"? 60? 70? 80? Older??

I have seen it a few times.

I love my small number of close friends. And have lots of fun spending time and doing stuff with a wider circle of friends too. If anything ever happened to DH then I know there would be people there for me. I'm quite close to my sisters too but my friends are nearby. And actually, my close friends are better at giving emotional support eg when my parents died than my DH is (not that he isn't lovely). But more generally, it would just be a bit dull if I only ever had intimate conversations with other other person. And if I didn't have a range of people I could do different things and talk about different stuff with at different times. My DH (and my children and sisters) are not the be all and end all !

But everyone is different, obviously .

I like low maintenance friends who are happy with low contact and don’t take it as an insult if you are too busy. I texted my friend today to see if she wanted to meet up tomorrow we are both on taxi duty for our sons who are friends, I would not have been upset if she couldn’t meet up but will enjoy a good natter since she can. We are close enough to be there in a crisis but don’t Ned to reaffirm every 5mins. Most of my friends are like this.

I ask the question because my other half says that it's unhealthy.

Then you best take heed, as he's obviously not that happy with the status quo and is concerned.

I don't think you need to have tons of friends, or spend masses of time with them, but it's good to have other people to bounce things off and other perspectives. Otherwise you're in a bubble.

The thing is we don’t all meet people who are interesting, supportive etc etc.

My DS and I have what we jokingly call a natter (it’s from “this country” if anyone saw it or remembers, Kurtan and his nan!). We start off on one topic then go off on wild tangents. But we can talk for literally hours. I’ve tried doing that with friends I’ve had and it’s like I hit a brick wall. And inevitably they just bring the conversation back to work (always a favourite topic it seems!) men or some drama they’re going through.

DD and I have a love of different countries, cultures etc and can also talk for hours about things related to that, or good books we’ve read, etc. We both like crafting so talk about that. Again something I’ve never found in a friend.

DSis and I share the same awful mother, something none of my friends can relate to, so we are each other’s support in that. Plus we just get each other’s humour and laugh a lot.

I genuinely can’t find better friends than those family members. It’s not that I wouldn’t like to. I got quite excited thinking I’d made a friend not too long ago. Until I realised she was one of those people who whatever you or your family did or were doing, either she or her family had already done it 10 times better! That was that one dead in the water!

It just becomes disheartening in the end. Like that search for a great partner. At some point you just give up and make the best of what you do have.

@Meruem you're onto something there. Chatting rubbish I call it, where the conversation goes wherever and you talk about whatever and it's not deep and serious. Not many people seems to want to do that any more and I hadn't noticed. Like the world has somehow got more serious and all anyone wants to talk about is their dramas. That's why some people seem so draining isn't it. I especially find it a problem because I don't lean on friends for emotional support, it's not something I find helpful generally. So it's all one way with the dramas and I come away from the meet up feeling like they just used me for venting. I can't talk about my hobbies either, nobody cares what I'm doing and if I raise the subject I find I get asked to make people things (and for free sometimes!). People can't seem to understand that not everyone is trying to monetize their hobbies.

Perhaps it's a combination of social media and "its good to talk" that's killed conversation? People post their personal news and opinions online and assume that everyone sees it, then use their meet ups with friends for mental health support.

I'm 27 and don't have any friends which is my choice. I'm quite happy in my own wee bubble. I take after my mum who's exactly the same. My DH has a few friends which is fine i don't mind being around them at all but we don't see them very often anyways as everyone just kinda gets on with their lives.
I couldn't think of anything worse than having friends to be honest

Tara I think that's a really sad comment, my DS is a little younger than you and I would be so disappointed if he didn't have any friends. His life seems so much richer for having friends - he's just sent me a photo via WhatsApp of himself and friends who have all travelled to play a cricket game tonight, they all looked happy and excited, he's visiting another friend next weekend, he has a wedding the following weekend, friends at home and in his Uni town, and from where we lived ten years ago.

Both my DH & I have friends we've known for years - I am still friends with someone I met a nursery school (50+ years ago ).

I would never cope without my friends.
I have 3 friends that I would class as sisters and another 3 that I know I could call at 3am and they would be there for me. I'm lucky to have a big circle of people I love spending time with and a smaller circle who would drop everything for me as I would them.
I'm 42 now and one friend is from when I was 17. The others have been my friend for 7+ years.

Until 5 years ago I would have said that I didn’t bother for last 20 years - however I found out my H had let me down badly many years before and I realised I had no one to bounce off , no one to meet up with if we split up. I decided not to split but did make it my mission to make some friends even in my mid 50’s- which I have done and they have totally enriched my life - don’t rely just on one person- if it goes pear shape it really does help to have others in your life

Of course you don’t “need” friends, I don’t have any (not through choice) and cope fine with it. Most people think it’s weird/odd though

@Ragwort

Tara I think that's a really sad comment, my DS is a little younger than you and I would be so disappointed if he didn't have any friends. His life seems so much richer for having friends - he's just sent me a photo via WhatsApp of himself and friends who have all travelled to play a cricket game tonight, they all looked happy and excited, he's visiting another friend next weekend, he has a wedding the following weekend, friends at home and in his Uni town, and from where we lived ten years ago.

Both my DH & I have friends we've known for years - I am still friends with someone I met a nursery school (50+ years ago ).

Okay, and? Your son is clearly a different person. Why was any of that relevant to @TaraW20 though?

I don't believe it's the case that all people absolutely need friends, even if it's the norm for the majority.

I have one person I'd categorise as a friend and I meet them in person roughly once per year for a few hours. That's plenty for me in terms of catch-up, and I'm honestly not interested in seeing them any more frequently than that. My partner is by far and away the person I spend most time with, but even then we do not live together, neither of us have any desire to, and we rarely spend more than two days per week together. Sometimes it's two or three weeks entirely between spending time together because that's what suits us.

I honestly don't enjoy the company of most people and would rather go without entirely than feel obliged to do the friends thing when I'm really not in the mood. I find other people flaky and irrational for the most part, so I don't really have the patience for the times people might go looking for emotional support etc. Fine, I understand why people might look for that from another human being, but I'm not the one they should be looking to. I'm no contact with my family for similar reasons. I honestly can't be bothered spending time with people I have nothing in common with simply because of some weird notion that I have to purely because we share some DNA. I wouldn't choose to spend time with them if they were just randoms, so why should I because we're related.

I think what it boils down to is that on balance I find other people far more irritating than I ever crave company, so I'm far happier just doing my own thing without any of the obligations that come with friendships. I'm not in any way a spiritual or emotional person myself, so I don't feel any need to have other people around for emotional support either, being that I just don't get emotional or upset.

I just think talking as though having friends is horrifying is bizarre. One thing to be solitary, but another to say "I can't think of anything worse"

And while op may be happy as she is, her partner obviously isn't with their situation, as he's saying it's unhealthy. Which may mean he feels under pressure or even smothered from being her sole focus and sole support. Or he's feeling something missing that he needs as well. If he's not happy, then it needs working on in same way, otherwise

I don't have masses of friends, but I have a few, and we dip in and out of each other's lives, which suits me.

This is an interesting question. As humans we have a complex brain, emotions, feelings, 4 lobes of the brain which are responsible for emotional responses.

We are higher beings. And if you don't utilise those aspects, then surely you aren't living life to the fullest?

Are you not friends, don't require friends because of previous damage? In which case maybe therapy is the answer?