Do you really need friends?

[HigglePiggle976]

Just really wondering on the psychology of it?
Everyone seems to say that you should have friends, it's unhealthy not to but to be honest I can't be bothered.
In my youth there'd be the usual bunch that you'd 'hang around with' but I'd always find that it was just small talk, or banter (mickey-taking). Never anyone really interested in me as a person.
I'm now 25yrs+ married and have my 'friend'.
I got friendly with one person (same gender) a couple of years back having mutual interest and would spend a lot of time together and enjoy conversation but then I found they they got too needy. I was getting repeated texts and attempts onto long conversations yet I am happy with just keeping at arm's length. When I flexed / stated my boundaries, sadly they got upset and left the picture.
I now find again in adulthood that the 'bunch' with similar interests are the same; small-talk, banter, sport etc.
Perhaps I'm wanting my cake and eat it? Perhaps they're behaving the same, wanting people at arm's length?
I say, I don't need it and can't be bothered.
Any thoughts anyone?

Usually when your useful the "friends" are there , sometimes when you hear and observe the whole x said then y said ect, you start to realise, the main person you can count on, is yourself.

Maybe people's expectations of friendship is a bit off here? I don't "rely on" my friends, but they add to my life - someone to do stuff with, to talk about things, to have a laugh with. I don't expect them to always agree with me or to be a perfect support system and never let me down. They'll have their own opinions and foibles and weaknesses. Like I do. They'll have limited emotional resource and time. Like I do.

I have a group of good friends and we all meet up once every few months and are in very regular touch via a WhatsApp group, but I wouldn't want anymore than that as I like to have my space - if I made a new friend who started ringing me twice a week for chit chat I'd run like the wind.

I also never ever confide in friends about love / relationships / exes / feelings. I know that probably sounds weird but it's an area of my life that is extremely private and sensitive. I'm sure friends mean well but I often see them jumping down each other's throats with judgements and opinions on these types of subjects. That kind of stuff is only shared with Mum or put anonymously on here after yet another name change!!

@category12

Usually when your useful the "friends" are there , sometimes when you hear and observe the whole x said then y said ect, you start to realise, the main person you can count on, is yourself.

Maybe people's expectations of friendship is a bit off here? I don't "rely on" my friends, but they add to my life - someone to do stuff with, to talk about things, to have a laugh with. I don't expect them to always agree with me or to be a perfect support system and never let me down. They'll have their own opinions and foibles and weaknesses. Like I do. They'll have limited emotional resource and time. Like I do.

Agreed. I think much of the content on these threads reveals a really skewed attitude to friendships. Both heavily over-idealising (3am callouts, lifelong devotion, fixed messaging response times, total emotional support, invites you to absolutely everything) and extremely cynical and negative (every one is flaky, a user, evaporates the second someone more interesting shows up).

All of my friends have somehow betrayed me by either stealing from my house when I was kind enough to put them and their kids up for frequent weekend visits, or have been openly unpleasantly jealous, or most recently, texted me to tell me they can't be bothered to wait for me to invite them to my new house and need to make new friends.

So sad and hurt from being used and shat on that I keep people at arm's length these days and have little confidence in meeting new people and making new friends.

@category12

Usually when your useful the "friends" are there , sometimes when you hear and observe the whole x said then y said ect, you start to realise, the main person you can count on, is yourself.

Maybe people's expectations of friendship is a bit off here? I don't "rely on" my friends, but they add to my life - someone to do stuff with, to talk about things, to have a laugh with. I don't expect them to always agree with me or to be a perfect support system and never let me down. They'll have their own opinions and foibles and weaknesses. Like I do. They'll have limited emotional resource and time. Like I do.

I think you may be right. I come from a large family. My siblings were my friends all through childhood. Being family, they actually cared and didn't take the mickey but we had great fun together. My parents, like you mention, didn't really have a big circle of friends. We weren't used to seeing adults bantering etc. As such I was / am never good at it.

@Meruem

I think you learn about friendships in early life and through watching your parents and their friends

I agree with this. My mum had no friends at all. My dad had “drinking buddies” but they weren’t real friends. All through my childhood we never once had people over or went to other people’s houses. Me and DSis were never allowed friends over to play and on the odd occasion we were invited elsewhere, my mum would refuse as she didn’t want to return the favour at a later date. Even as a teen I couldn’t mix outside of school as we lived rurally and I’d have needed lifts etc which they weren’t willing to provide. I had a really isolated childhood.

When I had my own DC I did put a lot of effort into making life a lot more social for them. I always said yes to friends coming over or them going to places. We mixed with other families etc. It’s only once they became adults that I started retreating again. I think this is my “default” but I did make the effort for the DC.

I think you may be right. I come from a large family. My siblings were my friends all through childhood. Being family, they actually cared and didn't take the mickey but we had great fun together. My parents, like you mention, didn't really have a big circle of friends. We weren't used to seeing adults bantering etc. As such I was / am never good at it.

I'd rather have friends with different interests that I can meet up with occasionally (with no pressure) than a romantic/sexual relationship. A friend with those benefits but not the conventional ones, IYSWIM.

When I read the dating/OLD threads here, I admire the stamina that people have for the endless scheduling and the negotiation of boundaries and I know that I'm not prepared to do that.

Somebody asked me out recently, and given our ages, I'd far rather it had been an opportunity to meet up casually, see an exhibition and take it from there. It wasn't so I had to turn it down. But I do get that some people don't want to waste time developing friendships when they're on the hunt for a partner, especially if they're retired (I'm not nor will be for a while yet).

Close friends are weight in gold. I feel incredibly fortunate that when my marriage broke up, my closest girlfriends were there for me to help me to get through it all.
I think there are friends and friends. It’s the ones I have the deepest connection with that I know they would drop anything to help me and I can trust them with anything.

I love my friends, my H loves my friends, I love his, we all have a great time when we see each other. It's not all the time but the change of adult scenery is a breath of fresh air.

One adult isn't enough for me, perhaps I am the needy one! Who cares.....I buy the best presents though.

I absolutely love my friends. They are brilliant and have been there for me through the good and bad times. Speaking of bad times, I had one close friend and she has had an affair with my ex. I have to say she's been hideous since. I think her insecurity around me made the split much worse which did result in me & the DD's being homeless and sleeping on a very close friends floor. I still feel slightly sorry for her as he's just so awful. It's funny but this hasn't soured my experience of friendship it's made me realise just how much you need people when life throws you a curve ball.

I'm an introvert but definitely like having friends and seeing them always gives me a little boost mentally

I have friends dotted around the world but I hardly talk to them, I'm the same as you I just can't be bothered, I have my darling husband and he's enough for me.

when you have an experience of being crapped on by a partner and it’s all very become very codependent do you realise that having someone close to talk to becomes important , especially if you don’t have good understanding female family members to turn to — I decided to make some new friends more of a priority and H less of a constant priority and I’m so glad I did— they have enhanced my life more than they will ever know.

Personally I think now I’m older putting all your friendship/companionship eggs in one basket of your DH/ partner may well come back to bite you on the arse— and it has done other people I know too - Male and female —certainly did me. I make a great friend these days because I really value it.

Robin Dunbar:

One of the surprises of the last decade or so has been the number of studies showing that how many friends we have and especially the quality of those friendships has more effect than anything else on our mental and even physical health, our sense of wellbeing and happiness, how much we trust those among whom we live, even how long we live.

One of the articles about his book here: www.theguardian.com/books/2021/feb/21/friends-by-robin-dunbar-review-how-important-are-your-pals

I don't really, anymore.

When younger, yes, definitely more socialisting and friends. Going out, going on holidays, flat sharing, going to the pub, talking about stuff. But I was always slightly quieter, more introverted underneath it all (an only child thing?).

It was nice, but by my late 30s there was more 'drama' with friendship break-ups etc and it got too upsetting. I also changed alot during this time, and I think when YOU change your friendships probably inevitably change too.

Now aged 61 I have almost no friends! Do have a chronic illness and like OP have the couple of friends I had kept weren't worth it. They could be intelligent, fun - but didn't offer any of the kindness or caring you might associate with friendship. In fact, quite the opposite! And some of my friends' general sweet foibles became increasingly annoying and selfish and I just didn't want to tolerate them anymore.

Overall I'm happy with my own company and am trying to find time to do things on my own I have never had time for before. I'm alot more picky but some general socialising would be OK if I was well enough. Perhaps in future some very general, light socialising might be nice.

One of the surprises of the last decade or so has been the number of studies showing that how many friends we have and especially the quality of those friendships has more effect than anything else on our mental and even physical health, our sense of wellbeing and happiness, how much we trust those among whom we live, even how long we live

^The problem is that these so-called "studies" are often very suspect in my opinion. In particular, they confuse correlation with causation for a start!

If you are poor, disabled or with ill health, transient accommodation with fewer life choices - I think you are less likely to have lots of secure solid friendships. OTOH big house for socialising, good health and plenty of money and opportunities for socialising? I think the likelihood is that you will have more opportunities to find and maintain friendships.

I really don't like these so-called studies; they often end up kind of making people feel bad for circumstances they may have little control over. What is even the purpose of these so-called 'studies'?, probably most of them little better than computer alogarithms. Who financed them and why, and what was their "purpose" (they usually have a conclusion they want to reach IMO before they start?!). Rant over.

I'm very happy in my own company. I didn't get married till 40, and sadly he died suddenly a few years later. But I love my friends. I have a very few from childhood/uni, but a number from early work years and more recently school gate.
There are two types: situational friends and true friends. I have plenty of the former who I chat with as our kids are in the same year/rugby team/ we share a gym class, I may go out with them of an evening etc, but once that common ground ends so does the friendship. True friends are those who I could call in an emergency, who I can not see for a year yet pick up just where we left off, I would be bereft without them.
I think as we age our friends are even more important. It stops me getting too much into my head, keeps me grounded and interested in things beyond my own front door.

I suppose those of you who have a partner and are close to family can count those people as friends, but if you don't have those people, you definitely do need friends and I'd argue it's a need rather than a want. The hospital refused to take my wisdom tooth out unless someone came with me to the hospital. What would I have done if I didn't have a friend? I even had to lie that the friend would be with me for 24 hours afterwards!

What if you get Covid and you can't go out? Starve to death? I know there are community groups, but many have been wound down or they mainly help the elderly and vulnerable.

Who do you leave your spare key with in case you lock yourself out?

Obviously, these are just practical things, the main reason to have friends is for companionship and support, but it seems a minority of people can live without that.