Do you really need friends?

[HigglePiggle976]

Just really wondering on the psychology of it?
Everyone seems to say that you should have friends, it's unhealthy not to but to be honest I can't be bothered.
In my youth there'd be the usual bunch that you'd 'hang around with' but I'd always find that it was just small talk, or banter (mickey-taking). Never anyone really interested in me as a person.
I'm now 25yrs+ married and have my 'friend'.
I got friendly with one person (same gender) a couple of years back having mutual interest and would spend a lot of time together and enjoy conversation but then I found they they got too needy. I was getting repeated texts and attempts onto long conversations yet I am happy with just keeping at arm's length. When I flexed / stated my boundaries, sadly they got upset and left the picture.
I now find again in adulthood that the 'bunch' with similar interests are the same; small-talk, banter, sport etc.
Perhaps I'm wanting my cake and eat it? Perhaps they're behaving the same, wanting people at arm's length?
I say, I don't need it and can't be bothered.
Any thoughts anyone?

Yes. there was a Kathy Burke TV show looking at whether romantic relationships are necessary - psychologist / anthropologist basically said no. You can do without a partner but humans shouldn't go without friends.

If you Google the subject there's lots of reading online 'it's been proven that friendship can extend life expectancy and lower chances of heart disease. '

Some friends can decrease life expectancy 😂

I don't think I need them though it is nice to have them. I don't get too close to people anymore though as it has always backfired and I don't really trust a lot of people.

For me it’s not about simoly having someone else to rely on, it’s more that as much as I love my husband I’ve no desire to only ever spend all my leisure time wirh him.

Time wirh friends is important to me, meals, gigs, evenings together. It’s fun and relaxing. But also when I do need help there is always someone willin to step up and help. Generally it’s work round the house and garden, and we do the same back, always happy to roll our sleeves up and help out. Even just long gossipy phone calls. It makes life richer

It does sound to me like you’ve never really made real friends, just a causal group to hang with when younger and one when older.

If you’re genuinely happy it’s all good, but I suspect you’re not, otherwise asking the question wouldn’t even occur to you.

I'm with you to an extent OP.

I have a very small number of friends that I want to see and genuinely enjoy seeing (maybe 3).

This would probably come as a surprise to my many 'friends' and acquaintances.

I prioritise my DC and DH, my work, my broader family and myself. I don't think you can do everything and as an introvert I think I'd be fine without friends.

I felt bad about this for ages, as there seems to be so much pressure to have a raging social life but lockdown really sealed it for me.

yes I definitely need friends, and its certainly not all banter and small talk. These are people that give me support and talk me through things when im having a tough time (and vice versa) people to chat to when im bored. People to bounce ideas off. People to go on walks with. People to share the joys of life with. People to discuss issues and opinions with. People you can be vulnerable with. People you can go on outings with or to events. People you can muck around with.

Im not even a particularly social person, but I definitely need my friends and am grateful to have such lovely ones

I would like to have friends but I think as you get older it's harder to make friends. My friend from school died as did my DD best friends Mum as did another friend I was good friends with for 10 years.

I chat to work colleagues but that's all they are unfortunately just work colleagues as that's the only conversation I get apart from my 2 DD's.

One of my 'best friends' ghosted me a few years ago (in real life too). Nothing had happened. It broke my heart. I still feel lost without her some days.

I tried to reach out but got no response and eventually gave up. It really hurt.

I used to be so good to her, she didn't drive so I would take her all over l, even drove her to work sometimes. I used to look after her two little boys a lot and they were best friends with my little boy. He still asks why they don't come around anymore and I have no answers.

It has made me so wary. I now have one close friend who I met later in life (after said ghosted friend) and she is the most wonderful person and I know we will always be there for each other, we only see each other now and again but we know we are always there for each other no matter what. I wish I had more friends but as I found out many people are just not worth the pain.

Really interesting to read your comments. Thank you. It's also reassuring to know that I am not that unusual. As you say, some do and some don't need / enjoy having 'friends'.

I agree re depending fully upon my other half and I admit that I do / we do.

I certainly don't expect people to stab me in the back. In general, I think people are pretty ok. Believe me, I meet some pretty colourful people at times :-).
If they're not, then it's highly likely that they're having a bad day themselves or, they simply have a difference of opinion to me and that is fine. I think life-experience has taught me that.

Something I have found though and this is a whole new ball-game, is the pressure of 'having to be friends' with your family....

(lights fuse and stands back)

I come from a large family and we all get along as friends (apart from one of the ten of us who has chosen not to. But that's ok).

Conversely, my spouse is 'non-contact' with the mum for the past 7 yrs as it got to the point of almost having a nervous breakdown. Of course the mum still questions; "why this?, why that? Isn't it time to forget etc".

I guess that we're all different and have capacities to deal with things in different ways.

OP "I now find again in adulthood that the 'bunch' with similar interests are the same; small-talk, banter, sport etc.
Perhaps I'm wanting my cake and eat it? Perhaps they're behaving the same, wanting people at arm's length?"

What is it you want?

I find friendships quite scary because of childhood abuse. However (and Christ only knows how) I have a handful of friends who have stuck by me and been fantastic.

I think I am a good friend but I find making the first contact quite difficult. I hope my friends know that it's not them and I always respond when they get in touch and enjoy spending time with them.

If they never contacted me again I would just allow them to slide out of view. I just can't shake the feeling that I am not good enough for anyone. It doesn't matter that we have been friends for 20+ years, I think I'll always feel that way.

Well you don’t have to have any relationships, so no.

But life will be less rich without friends, and in your case it means you are very dependant on partner. So it might come back to bite you, or it might not.

I have made this mistake of being a loyal friend, and tied myself up on knots trying to defend her behaviour. However I blame myself for not having firmer boundary in place. Won’t make that mistake again.

Also I know for fact that once one of my friends finds a new man, I won’t see her for dust. She has form for this, and I have far less time for her as a result.
As I get older I really prefer animals to people!

@Bluntness100

For me it’s not about simoly having someone else to rely on, it’s more that as much as I love my husband I’ve no desire to only ever spend all my leisure time wirh him.

Time wirh friends is important to me, meals, gigs, evenings together. It’s fun and relaxing. But also when I do need help there is always someone willin to step up and help. Generally it’s work round the house and garden, and we do the same back, always happy to roll our sleeves up and help out. Even just long gossipy phone calls. It makes life richer

It does sound to me like you’ve never really made real friends, just a causal group to hang with when younger and one when older.

If you’re genuinely happy it’s all good, but I suspect you’re not, otherwise asking the question wouldn’t even occur to you.

I'm certainly very happy. I ask the question because my other half says that it's unhealthy.

Actually, I think that it was the friendship that became needy and then collapsed that saddens me. Part of me wants to re-approach them because I did enjoy their company but I really can't face getting into the neediness of it again.

I guess it takes two and if one is singing from a different sheet then things aren't going to work through the 'struggle' conversations.

I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my group of friends for over 30 years support. I will always need my friends and feel blessed to have over 20 friends who all are friends with each other for the majority of my life. Our children have been brought up together and, as young adults now, they are still friends.

I’ve gradually kind of phased out any friends I had. They didn’t do anything “wrong”. I either really didn’t have much in common with them or I found them draining. Or they had already phased me out!

I have 2 adult DC and my DSis that I’m close to. No partner, nor do I want one. I am also more than happy to go and do things alone. So if there is something I want to do, usually one of the 3 will be up for it or, as I say, I just go alone. I’ve even gone on holiday alone and thoroughly enjoyed it! I have 2 cats who rarely leave my side. I don’t feel lonely at all. So the same way I don’t feel I’m “missing” anything by not having a partner, I don’t feel I’m missing anything by not having friends.

Maybe if I met someone who was really on my wavelength I’d feel differently but that hasn’t happened. So I’d rather have no friends than this large group of people I don’t really truly connect with. I remember going out (pre covid!) with a group I was reasonably close to. They wanted to go dancing, fair enough, an activity lots of people enjoy. But I hate it! So I went along feeling I “should”. Spent half the evening sitting with the coats and bags! And half the evening being called up to dance, then feeling awkward and uncomfortable doing it. I realised I was spending more and more time trying to come up with excuses to not meet up with people. What’s the point?

OP I think if you come from a large family that makes a difference.

I have 4 siblings and we’re the best of friends. We plan things together and genuinely enjoy spending time together. So I’m happy just having a few friends otherwise I’d have no time to see anyone! I love having close family as it’s just effortless. Friendships can be a bit more complicated.

@Mummytomylittlegirl

OP I think if you come from a large family that makes a difference.

I have 4 siblings and we’re the best of friends. We plan things together and genuinely enjoy spending time together. So I’m happy just having a few friends otherwise I’d have no time to see anyone! I love having close family as it’s just effortless. Friendships can be a bit more complicated.

I’m not sure whether my experience backs this up or is the opposite, but I’m from quite a small and dysfunctional family and my family are far, far harder work than my friends have ever been!

@BrownTableMat ha that’s true family can be hard work. I guess it’s just the unconditional thing? If I didn’t text them back/ one of us was being a bit of a nightmare. Or does something stupid, it doesn’t matter because it’s your family and you just get over it.

I have some lovely friends but I’m really grateful for my siblings!

[quote Mummytomylittlegirl]@BrownTableMat ha that’s true family can be hard work. I guess it’s just the unconditional thing? If I didn’t text them back/ one of us was being a bit of a nightmare. Or does something stupid, it doesn’t matter because it’s your family and you just get over it.

I have some lovely friends but I’m really grateful for my siblings![/quote]
You’re lucky. My experience of family relationships is that they’re certainly not unconditional, I’m afraid. The only unconditional love I get is from my dog. But that’s ok and I very much value my friends too.

Would give up my husband before my friends tbh. They make my life. Everyone's different I guess!

I understand how you feel. Every friend I've had, has let me down. I had a long thread on it, and it seems many others have experienced similar.

I got divorced from 1st H, and long standing friends never once checked in on me. No "are you okay" calls, just nothing.

One friend was always needing to be rescued from drunken disasters, this went on for 8 years. She drove when drunk, stole things from me as well. And then accused me of having an affair with her very fat and ugly DH, even though I had a very handsome BF of my own. Just ridiculous.

Another very close friend slept with my then H.

One friend attacked me after a night out, because the guy she fancied liked me and not her.

And my one and only sibling has bullied me for years, so I went NC.

The endless drama from other women is exhausting. At some points, I was getting 50+ texts a day. I now have silence, unless it's my DH, kids (grown), or customers, which is bliss.

I do miss people to go out with (a little bit), but I figure I have my DH and my grown kids for that, and we all get on great.

Too. Much. Drama.

I'm quite happy with my oh who is my best friend and our kids .. I've had friends in the past who have caused too much drama and at the age of 40 I don't want the stresses anymore so I'm quite happy as things are

Covid seems to have snookered most of my friendships. No one contacts me anymore and I've given up trying.