Do you really need friends?

[HigglePiggle976]

Just really wondering on the psychology of it?
Everyone seems to say that you should have friends, it's unhealthy not to but to be honest I can't be bothered.
In my youth there'd be the usual bunch that you'd 'hang around with' but I'd always find that it was just small talk, or banter (mickey-taking). Never anyone really interested in me as a person.
I'm now 25yrs+ married and have my 'friend'.
I got friendly with one person (same gender) a couple of years back having mutual interest and would spend a lot of time together and enjoy conversation but then I found they they got too needy. I was getting repeated texts and attempts onto long conversations yet I am happy with just keeping at arm's length. When I flexed / stated my boundaries, sadly they got upset and left the picture.
I now find again in adulthood that the 'bunch' with similar interests are the same; small-talk, banter, sport etc.
Perhaps I'm wanting my cake and eat it? Perhaps they're behaving the same, wanting people at arm's length?
I say, I don't need it and can't be bothered.
Any thoughts anyone?

@category12

I ask the question because my other half says that it's unhealthy.

Then you best take heed, as he's obviously not that happy with the status quo and is concerned.

I don't think you need to have tons of friends, or spend masses of time with them, but it's good to have other people to bounce things off and other perspectives. Otherwise you're in a bubble.

This exactly.

OP why does your DH say it's unhealthy? Is he encouraging you to make friends?

Are you a pessimistic person generally?

All my friends are online now since my best friend died a few years ago.

@Ragwort

Tara I think that's a really sad comment, my DS is a little younger than you and I would be so disappointed if he didn't have any friends. His life seems so much richer for having friends - he's just sent me a photo via WhatsApp of himself and friends who have all travelled to play a cricket game tonight, they all looked happy and excited, he's visiting another friend next weekend, he has a wedding the following weekend, friends at home and in his Uni town, and from where we lived ten years ago.

Both my DH & I have friends we've known for years - I am still friends with someone I met a nursery school (50+ years ago ).

How's it sad? It's a choice I've made because it's the way I feel more.content and happy with my life. Its not like I'm sitting here saying aww your comment makes me sad about your son having friends he's a weirdo for having friends why would he live this way. @UnChatNoir exactly I am just clearly a different person to their son which in my opinion is okay. I think it's great their son has friends because that's what he wants.

"@TaraW20 I'm 27 and don't have any friends which is my choice. I'm quite happy in my own wee bubble. I take after my mum who's exactly the same. My DH has a few friends which is fine i don't mind being around them at all but we don't see them very often anyways as everyone just kinda gets on with their lives.
I couldn't think of anything worse than having friends to be honest"

With kindness Tara you have your mum and your Dh and occasionally his friends. You have people around you for support and company. You are not alone. You don't need friends as you have people in yr life that take their place and fill that void. Your mum equally has you. I hope that always remains the case. Who would your mum have for support if you were not there? Who would emotionally support you if yr mum and DH were suddenly not there? Where would you turn? I am 50 and i have learnt that sometimes these structures sadly are not in place for ever. Some people here are trying to explain that if you have no mum or DH, friends are often all that remain and all you have. When you don't have them or family, its a very lonely planet to live on. It takes being totally alone to see that. I guess some here are trying to say that if you do not invest in friendships you can end up alone at some point. Equally, you can invest in friendships and still be left high and dry. I wasn't lonely at 27 but then my life was very different then. You may indeed not ever need anyone but , life does not always leave people in situ for us until our last day.

I understand you may not need or want friends now but that is because you have a support network in your mum and DH. You have not yet to date been totally alone. If you are confident that if both of those people in yr life suddenly were not there, that you would be totally fine on your own with no one to talk to or support you through illness and life's challenges, then i respect that.

I love my friends! Missed the chat the laughter and the fun I have with my friends during lockdown so much.
My husband is great, I adore our kids but yeah I need my female friends for me
I have a group of 5 from school who I see monthly, although we are not ultra close day to day we've all made a big effort to keep in contact.
I have 3 friends through having same the aged children who I see a lot and message all the time, have done holidays with them without the husbands, nights out and lots of activities and play dates with our kids.

I guess the point is you don't need them until you do.

These threads always fascinate me, because the friendships/ex-friendships people describe and give as a reason why they don't have or don't want friends never sound any way like any friendships I've ever had in adulthood. I just don't recognise the drama, neediness, continual daily messaging, the idea that if someone withdraws from you for a bit that they've 'ghosted' you and it's a major betrayal, or the idea that someone 'owes' you friendship because you have helped them out, or because you continually 'check in' with them. Or that the quality of a friendship is dependent on whether they would help you hide a body at 3 am, or whether they offer you in-depth 'support' for your problems.

I got a different perspective on friendship last year when I decided I'd been hurt too many times, so I was no longer going to desperately try to create or maintain friendships obsessively. If it happens with someone it happens.

It'll probably make me a more tolerable friend actually, and definitely be good for my emotional health.

I wonder if the problem is that although the nature of friendships change a lot as we age the language and ways we talk about friendship doesn't. How many adults have a best friend forever in the way a 10 year old does? How many adults get to see their friends every day like you would at school?

I wonder if this creates some unrealistic expectations like thinking your relationship doesn't need any input because true friends should be there forever or on the other end of the scale expecting very frequent checking in and contact because that what it was like at school.

My friends are incredibly important to me. Most of whom I've known for decades. We've seen each other through some really tough shit.
I've been single for a while but even when I was married, they were a huge source of support.
It's trite but true, friends are the family you make for yourself.

Just from the past month, one friend lent me money so I could afford to go to another friend's husband's funeral. The moment I got paid, I paid her back. I've been very depressed lately and another friend came over to sit with me, make me laugh, amused the DC while I rested, cheered us all up. That same friend, I've slept next to when they were almost suicidal, to make sure they were okay.

Surely, the more good people in your life who you love and love you, the better?

There seem to be a couple of windows for making good friends. School, uni, work. If you miss those windows or move away it is just less likely to happen.
Friendship takes work. And the effort put in should be roughly equal over time. This is where people disappoint me.

I don't have friends by choice. I just can't be arsed.

I would never in a million years feel the need to call someone at 3am (I mean why??) and the idea of someone thinking they could call me at 3am fills me with horror.

I did have a "bestie" for about 2yrs but we fell out in late 2019 and tbh it was a relief. She wanted to chat on WhatsApp all day every day, constantly asking what did I think about this that and the other. I really haven't missed her.

I'm single and have an adult DS. I'm trying to encourage him to make friends just because he relies 100% on me for emotional support and it's draining.

I've been like this since I was a child. Other kids wanted to be friends, and I would be friends, I'd play with them, in teenage years we'd hang out and go shoplifting do each others hair and all that shit. But I never missed them once they were gone.

I remember when I was 10, my "best friend" moved away for her dad's work. My mum kept asking "Are you missing Jane? Are you sad that Jane's not here?" I was like... No?

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

I don't have friends by choice. I just can't be arsed.

I would never in a million years feel the need to call someone at 3am (I mean why??) and the idea of someone thinking they could call me at 3am fills me with horror.

I did have a "bestie" for about 2yrs but we fell out in late 2019 and tbh it was a relief. She wanted to chat on WhatsApp all day every day, constantly asking what did I think about this that and the other. I really haven't missed her.

I'm single and have an adult DS. I'm trying to encourage him to make friends just because he relies 100% on me for emotional support and it's draining.

I've been like this since I was a child. Other kids wanted to be friends, and I would be friends, I'd play with them, in teenage years we'd hang out and go shoplifting do each others hair and all that shit. But I never missed them once they were gone.

I remember when I was 10, my "best friend" moved away for her dad's work. My mum kept asking "Are you missing Jane? Are you sad that Jane's not here?" I was like... No?

Isn't your adult DS just echoing your 'can't be arsed' attitude to friendship? Whatever you are telling him about making friends, if he sees you actually modelling 'too much trouble', that's more likely to stick than what your mouth is saying.

And honestly, @EvenMoreFuriousVexation, I don't think not missing your childhood or teenage friends after you stopped seeing them is any kind of gauge of adult friendship, and it sounds as if you were unlucky with your 'best friend' -- I wouldn't dream of talking to even my closest friends daily on WhatsApp. I mean, I wouldn't rule out friendship altogether because of those experiences.

And I agree with you that the 'test' of true friendship being whether you could call someone at 3 am in an emergency is ridiculous. My friends are my friends because I like their company -- they're not some kind of emergency call-out service.

I couldn't bear to not have any friends. My friends are great, undemanding and wonderful.
I don't have hundreds like some people do, but the ones I have are irreplaceable and are lifelong.

Oh, and I have very good friendships which date back to the 1990s and in one case to the 1980s, and no one has ever phoned me at 3 am, apart from someone rolling over onto their phone which they had under their pillow, and he was very apologetic.

I have none by choice. I have acquaintances and will be seeing a load of them shortly, but to me they are not friends and don't want them to be.

Same with anywhere I have worked. They are people I work with and nothing more. The day I leave a job, is the last time i ever see them.

I have quite a few friends, despite having been desperately let down by my former best friend. I am outgoing, sociable and cheerful and have friends from different areas of my life. The ones I click with most, and with whom I have most social contact would probably not be my go-to in an emergency (at least partly because they don't drive!) and I do wonder who I'd go to in a crisis eg if DH were ill etc. In fact I'm almost certain if I had a horrific accident and could no longer drive to meet up with them, the friendships would fizzle out.

I have one friend who has so much going on in her own life with her 4 kids and useless husband, and I'd feel guilty putting pressure on her, but she would be the first to offer to look after my 3 kids in addition to her own. We don't socialise much because it's so rare we are both free at the same time but if push came to shove she would be there, despite me only having really known her for 4 years.

All of my friends have somehow betrayed me by either stealing from my house when I was kind enough to put them and their kids up for frequent weekend visits, or have been openly unpleasantly jealous, or most recently, texted me to tell me they can't be bothered to wait for me to invite them to my new house and need to make new friends.

So sad and hurt from being used and shat on that I keep people at arm's length these days and have little confidence in meeting new people and making new friends.

"@EvenMoreFuriousVexation I don't have friends by choice. I just can't be arsed.
I'm single and have an adult DS. I'm trying to encourage him to make friends just because he relies 100% on me for emotional support and it's draining".

So you cannot be arsed to make friends yourself and now expect your son to make friends, in order that those friends in-turn,

can pick up a large percentage of your parenting slack , that you also cannot be arsed with.

"I did have a "bestie" for about 2yrs but we fell out in late 2019 and tbh it was a relief".

Is their anything you can be arsed with @EvenMoreFuriousVexation ?

Blimey— I had a period where I didn’t trust people and couldn’t be arsed but I switched a light on one day and realised I actually missed good intelligent female company and other women who cared about you . It sounds to me like some of you have had friendships with total drama llamas , who would be better suited to the Jeremy Kyle show. Not one of my newish (under 4 years) friends would dream of calling me or popping around at inappropriate hours or create a scene if no one responds to a WhatsApp for a day (or at all). They are all a lot younger than me- all supportive- all really lovely

I wouldn't say a necessity maybe but I do like having friends. I enjoy going out with them. I don't rely on any of them for much in the way of emotional support these days and not at all for practical support, but I do like having people to chat to and do things with. I have a number of close and less close friends but would like more. Not much time to find them with work and family responsibilities at the moment, but ideally I'd extend my circle of friends.

Usually when your useful the "friends" are there , sometimes when you hear and observe the whole x said then y said ect, you start to realise, the main person you can count on, is yourself.

At university, I wish I had socialised more, as there was a certain lady called "beth" that our eyes locked across the room, although at the time, my mind was preoccupied and also at the time, was not too sure about making contact, although if I'd been the person I am now, it would possibly been a different kettle of fish.

I think you learn about friendships in early life and through watching your parents and their friends. My parents didn’t have friends really. My mother had acquaintances through her religion but no close friends. My father never had any friends and didn’t get on with his family. It didn’t help set a positive template for my life. Particularly since myself and siblings aren’t close at all. I have a few close friends but wish I had invested more time and energy in building friendships and less on partner and children.

I think you learn about friendships in early life and through watching your parents and their friends

I agree with this. My mum had no friends at all. My dad had “drinking buddies” but they weren’t real friends. All through my childhood we never once had people over or went to other people’s houses. Me and DSis were never allowed friends over to play and on the odd occasion we were invited elsewhere, my mum would refuse as she didn’t want to return the favour at a later date. Even as a teen I couldn’t mix outside of school as we lived rurally and I’d have needed lifts etc which they weren’t willing to provide. I had a really isolated childhood.

When I had my own DC I did put a lot of effort into making life a lot more social for them. I always said yes to friends coming over or them going to places. We mixed with other families etc. It’s only once they became adults that I started retreating again. I think this is my “default” but I did make the effort for the DC.