Do you really need friends?

[HigglePiggle976]

Just really wondering on the psychology of it?
Everyone seems to say that you should have friends, it's unhealthy not to but to be honest I can't be bothered.
In my youth there'd be the usual bunch that you'd 'hang around with' but I'd always find that it was just small talk, or banter (mickey-taking). Never anyone really interested in me as a person.
I'm now 25yrs+ married and have my 'friend'.
I got friendly with one person (same gender) a couple of years back having mutual interest and would spend a lot of time together and enjoy conversation but then I found they they got too needy. I was getting repeated texts and attempts onto long conversations yet I am happy with just keeping at arm's length. When I flexed / stated my boundaries, sadly they got upset and left the picture.
I now find again in adulthood that the 'bunch' with similar interests are the same; small-talk, banter, sport etc.
Perhaps I'm wanting my cake and eat it? Perhaps they're behaving the same, wanting people at arm's length?
I say, I don't need it and can't be bothered.
Any thoughts anyone?

"my other half says that it's unhealthy."

It is. And thus some deep thinking and help I'd probably needed to help you work out what has happened and how to resolve it, because this is not normal, and acknowledging this is the first step.

I think putting all your eggs in one basket is always going to come with some risk.

That said adult friendship can be really difficult and unrewarding.

I don't realise how much I love having friends until I spend time with my friends (more rare today than in the past because of kids, work, etc) and when I do I feel rejuvenated and like I've rediscovered a part of myself that got replaced by 'Ms PosieandPip' (I'm a teacher) or 'mum'. And while I love being teacher and mum, it's nice to reconnect with the me from before. We went through a lot together, I like her And it's only really when with friends that this 'me' is able to come out. I find it refreshing and good for the soul.

What happens if you get divorced or one of you dies?

Why does everything always have to be “have therapy”? I think there’s something a bit wrong in suggesting people have therapy to “fit in” with societies norms.

I don’t date anymore because my ExH took me to the limit mentally. He broke me and it took me a good couple of years to get over it (which I did without therapy!). Prior to him I didn’t have a good track record either. So for the sake of my own MH I decided to stay single. Well that was the original reason, I then realised I actually love being single and wonder why I wasted all those years trying to make a relationship work just because that’s what people do. I bought into the “you don’t want to grow old alone” but now realise that’s exactly what I want! I want to consider only me and be totally selfish and do what I want to do.

Having a partner is optional. Having friends is optional. If I want to be at home surrounded by cats (I have 2 so I’m on the way!). That is absolutely my choice. It doesn’t really matter what led to that choice and I don’t need therapy to unpick it.

I don’t have friends, never have really. I didn’t socialise out of school with my friends, I was happy to be at home.
Then I’ve always been friends with the people I worked with, but left them when I left the job and moved on. Again, I didn’t see them out of work.
I suppose the time I will feel that lack of friends is when I retire.

A very dear friend and l have just irretrievably fallen out over friendship boundaries. I'm more upset by that then when XH left.

I do need friends as l don't have a partner, however having a child with ASD has caused some friendships to fade...

It never really occurred to me that so many people actively chose not to have friends.

It makes me wonder if some people, for multiple possible reasons, find it hard to develop / trust friendships.

They seem to be described on here as something approaching ‘hassle’ and that is not my experience of a true friendship. It’s rewarding and fulfilling?

Neither myself or my partner have friends anymore. We used to have a group of friends when we went out partying. Stopped partying and moved away, haven't heard from any of them on a regular basis. We are quite happy without the drama and need to meet up and do things with people all the time. We enjoy spending our weekends with our family as we wish. As I have got older, I cannot be bothered to hold down a friendship, I'm very indepenant, enjoy my own company and like to do things like shopping on my own. We have our family who we see regularly, we don't see the need for friends.

Disagree Meruem. We should all be trying to work on ourselves, be more balanced, smooth out our rough edges. Constantly, as an ongoing project.

Really interesting thread - and nice to know I'm not the only one with no friends!!
My DH and I (27yo) don't really have anyone except family, we are okay with this but I know we both feel like we SHOULD have friends and that other people probably think it's weird. We would both be willing to meet people but don't really go out of our way to. We are both shy/socially anxious people and in school, college etc neither of us had that 'bunch'.. then we went travelling 3 times over 3 years and just naturally lost touch with any friends we had left. I always assume the people with loads of friends met most of them in school or at a young age and that I've just been unlucky and probably won't have that close bond with anyone if I met them now compared to when I was younger.

We got married 4 weeks ago and we were so glad to have an excuse to have a small, family wedding as we always dreaded having a wedding with no friends there because of what other people would think!

I do feel a bit sad sometimes that I don't have any friends, that's not because I feel I need them, I think it's more because I know I could be a really good friend and it'd be nice to tell someone other than my mum when something exciting happens!! And we're not even that close!

DH and I are due to have our baby next week and we both know we'll need to make effort to be more social for him and go to places where he can socialise with other babies/children as that's important.. who knows maybe we'll meet some likeminded people then!

Up to you how you live your life. DP and I live a long way from family, and don’t have a great deal in common with them anyway. We don’t have DC. We have a wide and varied circle of friends and that works well for us. I’d hate to depend just on DP for companionship. My grandmother didn’t have many friends and in her later years she was very needy and dependent on my DM, that wasn’t good for either of them.

It's a really interesting question and one I've often pondered. I suppose instinctively we've developed a need to be in groups for our survival, although in this era it isn't strictly necessary. I do think that there is something about having peers that you can chat to about life is useful and can be comforting.
I've had my ups and downs over the years with friends but on balance I would say I do need them. What I don't need is a shit tonne of frenemy type acquaintances that are only interested in competing just so that I look 'popular' on social media. When I meet with like-minded friends it definitely adds to my life and is a positive thing.

We've never had much luck with friends tbh . My dh is one of those people who others find handy. Can do electrics , plumbing , ok at car repairs, can turn his hand to most things . I'm quite good at sorting out things like finding good deals on line , phoning companies at renewal times to negotiate next year's bill etc. We are often invited over to visit and then get the ' Whilst you are here can you ? ' It becomes draining , and we often feel people are friends with us because we do things for them . These days I try to choose friends wisely .

Up to you OP. I have a few groups of friends who I've known from school and others I've met along the way. I love them all and we have a great laugh whenever we are together. I can't imagine just having one person to go out with all the time. I'd be bored stiff.

I've lots of friends and enjoy the company of a wide variety of people. One particular friendship group suffered a horrible tragedy a year ago and it brought us closer together which brings home to me how important friends are. We rocked up with wine and made sure to stand close on the milestone days and say and listened when our poor friend was/is broken and needs to hash and rehash the same things over and over. I know I couldn't survive what she is living through without my friends to lean on and poke me through the days.

Good friends are of great value. I've other close friends I love like sisters and would do anything for. I like to have a community of people who know and care for me. And I do the same for them.

I have a few, carefully chosen, count on one hand group of people who I can rely on 99% of the time for interaction and support.

Carefully chosen because we are similar in our attitudes , outlook and easy going personalities.

They are crucial to my wellbeing. BUT without heavy reliance.

They are just smashing people who I care a lot about.

As PPs have mentioned, some people have very different definition and expectations of what a friend is. I have plenty of acquaintances, colleagues, family who whilst I am very friendly with I wouldn't call them friends. But they provide communication and I know which ones I can talk to about different things. I find these just as valuable as anyone I might label a 'friend'.

In terms of what I would term friends, like others I have lost and gained many along the way - but that's absolutely fine. They say friends are here for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I have probably half a dozen in the lifetime category, but again their interaction varies - it might be months apart between contact, but then my two closest friends I message every day back and forth and meet up with often.

So I'd say no you don't need friends per se, but interaction and communication with others outside of a partner, then yes it probably is good as we are social animals.

I don't think it's unhealthy or sad. It's a choice. I don't find it hard to.make friends I just choose not to. Doesn't mean I'm not friendly or socially awkward. When I was at college I spoke to people but when it came to meeting up outside of that it doesn't interest me. I done it once and it just isn't my thing at all so I'd rather not force myself to do it.

Everyone is different. People saying that this isn't right or isn't normal to not want friends and then assuming there's some sort of issue isn't right to judge. That's like me.turning round saying oh if you feel you need to have friends you must be a needy person and need to be loved and assume theres some past issue where you need to feel wanted when that's not gonna be the case it's just everyone is different and there's nothing wrong with that

This happens to the majority of people with long term illness or disability.

It takes acquiring one to recognise how many friendships are actually transactional/currency and based on what you can OFFER rather than WHO you are.

Not just these circumstances. I separated from my dh of decades last year and have lost most of my friendships just when i needed them most. I no longer trust anyone. People are out for themselves. Losing the friends was actually as painful as exiting the marriage.

I think it’s a bit sad to put all your eggs in one basket as far as human companionship goes. What happens if (heaven forbid) something happens to your partner, or you split up? Also, men statistically die earlier than women.

This can happen in a twinkling of an eye, too. I’ve witnessed my MIL lose my FIL in a car accident. She was so devastated, obviously, and she became completely dependent emotionally on her two DSs. She’s doing fine now, 17 years later, but it took her a very long time.

She has all of us of course, but she can’t see us all the time; we have our own lives. Thankfully, she has friends who she can spend time with and her church. Even then, she’s too dependent on her DSs emotionally.

I suspect that’s the reason for the batshit behaviour of some MILs described in numerous threads on here.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to have a strong marriage (I do myself), but it isn’t a good idea to put all your eggs in one basket.

I suppose my view is that I find it sad that many people seem to be happy to be a small 'bubble' without the need for friends but can't or don't want to envisage a time when they might need the support of friends.

At the beginning of the pandemic even on Mumsnet there were endless threads about people who couldn't get shopping/help etc because they didn't 'know' anyone. I volunteer for a small organisation and it was amazing the sort of requests that we were receiving... people were very happy to assume that there were volunteers available to do all sorts of things but no question of accepting that if they had friends/neighbours they got on with etc they could more easily access the support they needed. What would they do if there were no volunteers? Understandable if you are very old, disabled etc but for me (at 60+) to be delivering supplies to a young woman if 20ish, because she didn't know anyone just felt a bit ... sad. There is a certain attitude that It's the responsibility of 'someone else' (who???) to resolve problems; same when you read about people knowing no one who could help or babysit it an emergency etc. Friendships bring so much to your life, it's not just about having a mate to go to the pub with.

I've moved a lot, I don't live anywhere near family, I am so glad I have good friends in my life.

And I've never had any drama with friendships ... apart from the odd falling out at secondary school!

While there is obviously your choice and no one can say you're right or wrong except you, I find people who have a partner they are 100% reliant on with no other relationships seem to be utterly bereft if and when that relationship ends for whatever reason, which I feel for them. I personally prefer to have a few, close friends that I know I can and could rely on 100% in the case of accident or emergency, and happy that I provide that for them too. If something serious happened, knowing there was absolutely no one who could do a few basics for me, I think I'd find hard. If you took I'll- what happens to the cat/ dog/ fridge full of food- juts that kinda stuff.

"@Homicidal Not just these circumstances. I separated from my dh of decades last year and have lost most of my friendships just when i needed them most. I no longer trust anyone. People are out for themselves. Losing the friends was actually as painful as exiting the marriage".

I can relate totally to this. I divorced a few yrs ago and my friends just seemed to disappear overnight. Were not avail for coffees, walks etc as they usually were. It was almost as if i had the plague! I had been a great friend to them over the yrs as i always valued friendships ,as i have no family. I have spoken to other women who had same when they divorced. I was shocked this seems to be a thing. I am sorry this happened to you to. I had no one to talk to at all or even just company, through the whole thing and found that worse. I also now do not trust anyone. Occasionally an old friend will try to reestablish contact but it is usually because they are having issues/divorcing and find themselves where i was yrs ago. I may sound petty but i ignore and block them. They were not there for me so i will not be there for them.

I am very wary about people now. I cope well on my own, as i have found but , i could have easily gone under with the loneliness, if i was not such a strong character. They felt able to leave me to it and i cannot and will not ever forget that. The only silver lining is that i was able to cope very well during lockdowns as i was already totally self sufficient! I have 2 lovely DS's as well ( one grown , one almost) so feel blessed to have them. I would really be totally alone in this world without them. I will never understand why my friends thought it was ok to leave me to it. I have seen a side to people that has shocked me and sadly there are many of us. Some will only realise the value of friendships when their own lives start to change and /or they are getting older and established networks are not there anymore through passing/divorce/kids leaving home etc.

Be careful who you trample over on the way up.... as you may need them on your way back down!

I think having friends helps you understand people better. Different viewpoints and outlook on life etc. Also a hand in a crisis and the opportunity to support others in a time of need.

Tbh you don’t sound you like many people, do you not deeply love your family?

Do you have children? What happens when one of you loses the other?