Support needed for facing my horribly abusive ex

[Pebbledashery]

Here is my support thread.. Thank you everyone

Pebble
One step at a time. This hearing was never going to be the answer to everything but there are important findings that will help going forward. The court has found child abuse did take place. The family court is going to be more concerned about child welfare than adult welfare so this is a significant finding. The judge did not think it was appropriate for him to have unsupervised contact. The non-mol was extended and the police are following up with a stalking order. The judgement may well be flawed but the judge did see his behaviour for what it was even if he didn't call out every instance. Your ex did not manage to hide his true nature from the judge and now you have an official statement of what sort of person he really is. That will follow him. He will have to go into any child proceedings with a finding that he behaved abusively towards his own child.

If some judge dared ignore my evidence and dared to minimise why I fled my abuser I would be so so angry

I would be too upset to move on from it

I'm glad that in many ways the outcome was a good one

The ignoring of evidence ? Can't that be appealed ?!!?

@Pebbledashery

I have already done the freedom programme x

. It's great, isn't it? I wish all family law solicitors, barristers and judges had to do it too.

Queenie
The question I would ask is what purpose would appealing serve? Will it definitely give a different and better outcome? This is where the OP needs to be guided by their lawyer because an appeal may just cause more stress and delay without meaningfully altering the outcome. Even if all the evidence is taken into account in the fact finding will the conclusions be different. He has been found to be abusive on many levels both to the OP and to their DC.

If the findings are sufficient to allow the OP to get the right results at the next stages then it might be better to move ahead with those rather than getting trapped in an appeals process.

Pebble - I suspect that the judgement will never feel quite right to you because you were looking for proper recognition of all the harm that he caused you and the negative force he remains in your life. That doesn't mean you have done badly in this case it just means the case had a different purpose. This case is a stepping stone / doorway to other stages and it may meet that requirement without fully recognising what you went through.

All of us here can see how bad it has been and we believe you.

You need to speak to your lawyer about next steps because they may be satisfied that this judgement is as good as you are going to get in the family court system and is sufficient for you to get the right next steps.

Yes true @ChazsBrilliantAttitude

Isn't it so hard though

What could an appeal do?

I know it must be a so galling that you didn't get the harm he caused 100% recognised. But I think Chaz has a point. An appeal will not get you any closer to your goal. As you know just how stressful it is, please don't put yourself through it for not much gain.

Clearly your Ex is not fit for human company, adult or child. It is obvious that you fear him, otherwise you wouldn't have left the way you did and go into hiding and kept your address secret. I assume he is not at an undisclosed location as he is so afraid of you?

Do you think you would reconsider therapy? It might be good to just get it all out and talk things through.

Really hope the Section 7 is completed quickly and you are not in limbo for too long.

I think an appeal will be painful. You're right, ultimately the non molestation order has been extended, he's still got supervised contact and the worst finding possible has been made against him.. I'm talking to my solicitor tomorrow, I know the judgement is draft and not final yet, so hopefully there is a chance for the judge to amend any factual inaccuracies.

🌸🌺

Doesn't stop you feeling like crap :(

Yes pebble can totally see what you mean

You have done AMAZING

Thanks to you your innocent DD is safe and well looked after

This process is cruel and sometimes they miss out KEY info which is excruciating for the victim

Please know that you have so much support behind you
This thread has helped me also as I face my abuser in a few weeks in court

Very best of luck for you too Queenie

Thank you xxxx

Good luck Queenie, here if you want to chat.
Do you have a fact finding too? x

No criminal court

This man must be jailed
Abused me
Abused my elderly parent

Abused my innocent DD 🤬🤬🤬

If he is not jailed I will appeal

No longer letting these abusers get away with so much

He previously tried to kill his ex wife the most gentle kind human being

HE GOT A CAUTION
HE ADMITTED TO WHAT HE DID

What is wrong with the world

It's really hard as the process is sterial. Little if any emotions are seen by the judge or solicitors or barristers. But yet the people involved are full of emotions.
I had loads and loads of evidence that was in the court bundle but not spoken about in court. But I don't think it was necessary ignored, just read dijested and maybe just not the bit of evidence that was spoken about in court.
I really think you should speak to your solicitor and get her opinion on how it went. She/he should tell you honestly.
I know its brutal but the courts deal with hard facts and not emotions. The best I got from the judge after hearing all the evidence of abuse against me and the kids were. After having the facts confirmed was "good luck I hope you can now move forward".
I also found I felt quite flat after woulds. It felt like it was another day in the office for all the other people involved!
Try and take the positives out of it, you have done really well. You have achieved what you wanted/needed to. This sets the foundations to the next stage.

Morning everyone, just heard from my solicitor, looks like the ex wants to appeal the findings.. not sure how successful he will be.

Like you said in an earlier post, can’t he only appeal if he thinks something was wrong with the process?
You definitely know for sure that it’s gone heavily in your favour if he’s doing that though! Imagine how he must have reacted when he was told!

Does that mean the same judge? Fingers crossed it's not.

@Pebbledashery

Morning everyone, just heard from my solicitor, looks like the ex wants to appeal the findings.. not sure how successful he will be.

of course he does...

the Judge should recognise that he is using the Court as a means of continued control and harassment .. it really is appalling @Pebbledashery and Im heart sorry you find yourself in the situ again... 🌸

Does he need permission to appeal, or is it an automatic right?

I think he will need permission from the judge to appeal who will naturally not grant it. So his counsel will seek the permission of the judge/court higher up I guess. I don't know, I'm still waiting for my solicitor to give her comments and advice on the judgement. All it will take is him showing some fake remorse and a social worker falling for it when they do the section 7. My biggest argument is that I couldn't safeguard her when I was there with him and that wasn't even due to the domestic abuse that was due to the abusing of her.. I failed to protect her. In unsupervised care, she is even more at risk. I would like to hope that they won't take a risk on her safety but I know the court do everything they can to encourage contact so I guess I need to come round to the idea that one day in the distant future I'm going to have to let her go and see him unsupervised and that he will inevitably find out where we live.

Does the non mol get extended regardless of him appealing?

Yeah. It's exentded for 6 months.. It'll still be in place.

Just scared once it's expired they will expect me to coparent and communicate with him. I never will. Never

I'm relieved you'll be safe while he throws his next tantrum.