Support needed for facing my horribly abusive ex

[Pebbledashery]

Here is my support thread.. Thank you everyone

@justmeandme19 was there substantial evidence to prove there was abuse in the relationship?.

Please stay strong

Sounds like you have done a great job in many ways

Independent agencies will triangulate all you have said

Why you at a private address now? It is clear to them no doubt all that has happened

No one can stand up and give the perfect run through of events without getting emotional

You were under massive strain and terrified. You were bound to break at some point. You’ve been up front and never tried to hide it - they will know.

You're far from the only parent to have shouted at your child.
Whist it isn't great, it happens, and most people don't have the extenuating circumstances you had.

Hi everyone, feeling a bit rubbish today. The thought of the Judge thinking we are both as bad as each other and making us take a cross undertaking makes me feel so awful :( I am nothing like him.. i'm not abusive, we had to run for our lives.

I think the reality is every parent in the land has shouted at their child, and then felt guilty. It's life it happens.
Has he put any aligations in against you?

Yes, he's said I was abusive to him, I was abusive to DD, placed him under emotional strain, aggressive, abusive, etc, etc.

None of which he can substantiate- only the one time you have admitted you shouted.

You’ve got all the evidence, he’s got none.

He's got pictures of scratches on him on his neck where I was scratching him to get off me when he was strangling me, he's saying I unprovoked attacked him.. He never reported it to the police if it was an unprovoked attacked.. My barrister said presumably because he would have to tell the police the full version of events as to what happened. I admitted to scratching him but said it was self defence.. He's mirrored everything I've said and said the injuries on me are as a result of self defence... That's why I'm scared the judge will think we're both as bad as each other he's literally mirrored every allegation.

Defensive injuries would be on his arms, not his neck. Even I, as a lay person know this, so I'm sure the police and judges do too.

You are just driving yourself mad and thinking every thing through, over and over again. It is called catastrophising. I understand as I do it too.

Try and look up some calming videos on YouTube or some meditation. They do help.

He has scratches on his neck. That's what he submitted pictures of but has twisted it to say I unprovoked attacked him.

If you had attacked him, he would have put his arms up to fend you off, it is an instinctive action that everybody does to defend themselves.

But he had no evidence other than the scratches, what's to say you even did them ? If it was that bad he would have involved the police himself. The judge will have seen it all before. Just hang in there x

OP. I hope your okay and I can't begin to imagine how you feel but keep you and DD busy and do lots of fun things. Maybe even a little adventure and night away! Your doing amazing and people can read these dickheads like a book, don't be fooled ❤️

I have to just hope the fact he has a domestically violent police history with two other partners counts for something and the fact the police referred to him as a known domestic violent offender with a history of violence, harassing and stalking.. The judge allowed me to adduce two further bits of evidence though which I'm positive about.. A letter from the domestic violence agency and a letter from the police. My barrister said the idva letter probably won't hold much weight as they've just spoken to me but the police letter will be counted as independent evidence.

OP, you do realise he's behaving the way he is, and answering the way he is, is because he's hoping you will eventually be worn down enough to give up, don't you?
I've been lurking and just want to say that this is the time that you need to find your strength and keep going.
As long as you're telling the truth, it will be recognised in the end.
Also remember that abusive people have their own versions of events, even when evidence is to the contrary. That's because they can't admit to themselves what awful people they are - but others will be able to recognise them for who they are, not what they say they are.

Stay strong Pebble (I know that's very, very hard). You are doing amazingly well.

The waiting must be like slow torture. But you are away from him. You're safe and keeping your little one safe and well. Keep going. Sending hugs. Keep going. xxx

Thanks everyone, just feel like this Judge basically has my life in his hands :( I don't want to be painted and seen as an abuser!

I do hope you hear back soon, must be an awful waiting game. You're a strong woman OP x

I do hope you get good news today, @Pebbledashery.

Thinking of you Pebble x

Fingers crossed for the right result.

I think it's either going to be findings made against him, or findings made against both of us and me labelled as bad as him :( I dont have any previous history of abusing partners, I have never been arrested or in trouble with the police, I accepted that I shouldn't have shouted at DD and was honest and sought help from children's services and still to this day work with her health visitor on her behaviour and managing it. Cafcass recognised immediately he was the perpetrator and sent various letters to this same Judge, the Judge was asked to recuse himself on the grounds of being bias to my ex for ignoring the cafcass recommendation and ordering contact to occur in the community.
I just think my mind is playing overtime.

I can't remember what you said originally, sorry, @Pebbledashery - does your solicitor think an appeal would be possible if the judge who should, it seems to me, as an untrained outsider, have recused himself in the first place, finds against you as well as your ex?

My Barrister said we can only appeal if he does something procedurally wrong, such as ignoring evidence.. so we'll just have to see.