I’m just so so sad, I can’t move

[Sadagain1547]

I’m so sad tonight. I’m 35 as of last week. I feel so old. I have been dating someone the last six months and I really fell hard for him. But I can tell, just like every other relationship I’ve invested in, that he doesn’t really care. I’m getting these overwhelming feelings again that he’s not particularly arsed. It’s awful.

We had a nice time over the weekend. At least I thought we did. He usually texts when I drive home and says what a good time he had. I heard nothing from him all day after I left at 7. I text him a photo mid afternoon and he replied tonight asking how my day was, said he was going out for a walk. He’s not desperate to chat with me is he. Just like everyone else, he’s indifferent.

I find it easy to attract men. No issues on dates. Yet here I am again, having given my all and it’s going pear shaped like all the others. I hate it. I almost wish we hadn’t met I can’t handle another broken relationship.

From what you've said I can't see how it's going pear shaped?

Are you in a positions to speak with a therapist about all this?

I’m so sorry you’re feeling so awful and suffering so badly. Big hug.

@TweedyPuu I can just tell, I like him more and more and he’s getting slowly less interested. It always happens around six months. I feel more and then they stop being bothered, I could have anticipated it months ago, everyone wants me when they first meet me, nobody wants me for the long run though. I’m not enough for that.

@TheSecondAct i can’t afford therapy. I’m on a waiting list as I have anxiety. I’m never going to have a relationship now. It’s all too late. I’m so sad

Do you say things like this to him, or act insecure/needy?

@SunCatt only recently, the last couple of weeks I’ve said he seems distant. I’m not sure how he was being distant it was just a feeling. I don’t tell him what I’ve said here though. I hate being the six month girl

What sort of things has he done or said or not done or said that have triggered these feelings?

"You give your all", your words, and not what you should be doing. This is only 6 months, so why so heavily invested? If you come across as needy, it puts people off. Maintain your life and independence at the start of any relationship.
The clue that you do too much - he texts you when you drive home. So, are you always going to him? Putting in all the effort? If he doesn't come to you as often as you go to him, it's not equal, that is what you should aim for. Make sure that from the start you put no more effort in than you are getting in return.

When you’re seeing each other regularly and have moved on from the “I must find out everything I can about this wonderful person I’ve just met” stage, messaging does naturally tail off. There’s only so many times you can text “good morning, babe” or “what are you up to today?” without it getting tedious.

You had a really nice weekend and presumably felt good about him whilst you were together? Don’t overthink his attitude towards a medium of communication which barely existed two decades ago, or infer from it how he feels about you.

A lot of men are wanting more casual relationships, hard to find a man that wants to settle down that you also have the attraction for, do you go for the bad boy type?
Not saying he is but if this happens a lot then it could be down to the type your drawn to.
Another possibility is that he finds you too needy, the relationship is early days and should be fun, stop worrying he isn't interested if he's still with you? perhaps back off a bit to let him miss you, if he interested then it won't let it go too long without contact, if he does then at least you know to not to waste anymore time on him.

And I agree with Opentoooffers that the “giving your all” and coming across as very intense and needy could be causing him to back off a bit. If therapy isn’t an option at this stage, do you share your feelings with a good friend who can look at things dispassionately?

I agree it's always going to get a bit more casual after 6 months, it sounds to me like your anxiety talking and self sabotaging and maybe you need to learn to accept normal relationship changes or there's a risk you come on too intense by reading too much negativity into things.

I don’t know how to tag multiple people I don’t think @TweedyPuu @SunCatt @ComtesseDeSpair @TheSecondAct @seensome I don’t know if that has worked.

To answer the questions, I put my all in as I want a relationship to work. I guess I thought at my age that’s what I should be doing. I’m worried I’m left on the shelf because I am.

I travel to him more because I have flexible working. He offers to come over and I usually decline. I’ve always preferred being at someone else’s house in this context. He always offers though and says he wants to spend more time at mine. He said at the weekend he wanted to come over to sort the shed padlock that is broken and I can’t open.

I guess messaging does tail off. It makes me insecure though.

I’m not sure who asked why I thought he was going off me but it’s just things like the no text today. The breezy ‘how was your day’ mid evening. I don’t know. Maybe I’m reading into things but the feeling is real. This always happens.

Weirdly I have a really intense job and earn good money, nice time. I do stand up for myself in relationships where needed and I do generally express my own needs too...but I always find I reach this point with men. The intensity of the first few months wears off, I panic, then it goes to shit.

The person who asked if he seemed a bad boy type..no not at all. But I don’t really trust men so he could be an arsehole deep down, I just haven’t seen it yet?

*nice home that should say. Was trying to explain I can be independent

Perhaps you’re just addicted to the intensity of the early days... love is not always intense, actually the most lasting loves may not be intense at all.

Maybe you are just too eager , and wan't things to happen too quickly so soon. By dwelling on these things, you are making yourself unhappy, especially as you say it's a pattern of what has happened to you before.
If I was in the dating game, I would not be texting people all the time. or wanting to know what they are up to etc, I would just go with the flow.

It sounds like you keep meeting commitment phobes, they get to the point where things might start getting a little more serious and they start to back away. On the other hand maybe it's your anxiety playing tricks on you? Could you just ask him how he's feeling about you and where he sees the relationship going? x

@TheSecondAct unless we are in the throes of passion at the beginning, or there’s a heated discussion about the relationship later on, I always without doubt see that as the relationship no longer matters to them. I’d rather have the relationship having ‘bad attention’ from him (like dealing with a conflict or an issue) than no attention at all as it makes me feel like he’s forgetting us or not bothered. Your question has made me wonder if I cause this. Though I don’t know why I would. I want it to work. I’m so confused.

There is a shift after about 6 months, but it doesnt necessarily mean losing interest.

It goes from more of a 'chase' and needing to prove how much you like each other, to settling into a more comfortable trust that the level of attraction is there. If this length of relationship has been an issue for you then its maybe worth thinking about whether its you looking for more at this stage than is normal.

@ChatterMonkey I just feel like he knows how I feel now, I knew how he felt, so it all sort of simmers down. It makes me feel insecure. I am so fed up and lonely. I’m literally just waiting for him to call it off.

Are you in a relationship or still dating?

@itsabouttimetoo he refers to things as ‘the relationship.’ Been exclusive a few months

Or maybe your relationship has settled into a long term one and he's got relaxed with you. You have interpreted this as him losing interest and you are now over analysing things and will end up causing the end of the relationship.

How have your previous relationships ended?

@squiglet111 they just sort of lost interest I think. I got upset easily and panicked and they didn’t reassure me, they just disappeared. I’m nothing like this at the start of things. I hate how it happens. I can tell he is going off me

Best thing you can do - it nearly always works - is act aloof. Don’t be off, or overly distant, just busy yourself with other things so he’s not the centre of your thoughts for a few days. Go out, meet some friends for a drink, spend an evening sorting out your wardrobe - anything. Once he’s out of your thoughts he’ll sense it and will no doubt be in touch. You might have to really force yourself to put your phone down when you are feeling the urge though. It’ll do you good!