I’m just so so sad, I can’t move

[Sadagain1547]

I’m so sad tonight. I’m 35 as of last week. I feel so old. I have been dating someone the last six months and I really fell hard for him. But I can tell, just like every other relationship I’ve invested in, that he doesn’t really care. I’m getting these overwhelming feelings again that he’s not particularly arsed. It’s awful.

We had a nice time over the weekend. At least I thought we did. He usually texts when I drive home and says what a good time he had. I heard nothing from him all day after I left at 7. I text him a photo mid afternoon and he replied tonight asking how my day was, said he was going out for a walk. He’s not desperate to chat with me is he. Just like everyone else, he’s indifferent.

I find it easy to attract men. No issues on dates. Yet here I am again, having given my all and it’s going pear shaped like all the others. I hate it. I almost wish we hadn’t met I can’t handle another broken relationship.

This is true about the football. My DP is engrossed in matches and I've not seen him a great deal.

If you can I'd refrain from sending any messages like the one you've just sent. If I were on the receiving end, I'd probably roll my eyes and not want to respond.

I've been like this in the past. More so pre children, when I was worried I'd be left on the shelf forever.

However please try and stop this self sabotaging behaviour because subconsciously you're coming across needy and it will drive people away.

This, try and remember this OP

Thank you all so much for these messages. I’m reading each one of them really carefully and trying to take it on board. I think for me it’s the uncertainty as to whether it’s settling down in a good way... or whether it’s distance.

I have a really hard time trying to understand this. My parents have a very close relationship but I do remember a lot of drama along the way. They’re not like that now and are really calm and happy. As a child though I remember high intensity of anger and love.

I wish I could just be ok and feel secure. We’ve had a brief exchange of messages and said goodnight. I feel shit. I can’t even explain why. I would have felt better if he’d wanted to have called me. If he’d said he missed me or he loved me. Or something like that, I think.

When did you last see him? Is it a reasonable gap for him to now be missing you? Think rationally about this.

Did you not feel that you could call him? You shouldn’t have to be checking if it’s ok to call when you know that both of you are free.
Have confidence, the energy you give off will wear both of you down.

I don't want to rub salt into the wound but that wasn't a good text.
It sounds like you're desperate to hear from him.

Leave him be and let him come to you now.

I think you need to give yourself a good talking to and have more faith in yourself. It's like you expect defeat so you act defeated, which isn't at all attractive.

Remember he (anyone) should be proud to have you in their lives.
That's what you've got to start believing.

Have a bit more faith in yourself and it's his loss if he can't see it.

NEVER ACT NEEDY.

OP I have what you crave
Nearly 3 years in and DO and I are on the same page communication wise, messaging throughout the day if we are not too busy - if one of us is busy we won't reply but that doesn't stop the other sending pics etc

It would be too full on for a lot of people but it's what we do and it's what we like

I would feel exactly the same as you in your position - and I would find it difficult to step back and play the bloody game etc etc although I think you should try and step back because he isn't arsed enough in my opinion

Good luck

@ChatterMonkey

When did you last see him? Is it a reasonable gap for him to now be missing you? Think rationally about this.

@ChatterMonkey this morning I wish I had thought about that! All rationality goes out of the window when I feel like this. Reading what you just said has made me cringe. What’s wrong with me ffs.

@Notmoresugar

I don't want to rub salt into the wound but that wasn't a good text. It sounds like you're desperate to hear from him.

Leave him be and let him come to you now.

I think you need to give yourself a good talking to and have more faith in yourself. It's like you expect defeat so you act defeated, which isn't at all attractive.

Remember he (anyone) should be proud to have you in their lives.
That's what you've got to start believing.

Have a bit more faith in yourself and it's his loss if he can't see it.

NEVER ACT NEEDY.

@Notmoresugar do you think I’ve ruined it and put him off from that message? I know you’re right. Urgh I’m so rubbish at all this.

@Daisypaisy

Did you not feel that you could call him? You shouldn’t have to be checking if it’s ok to call when you know that both of you are free. Have confidence, the energy you give off will wear both of you down.

@Daisypaisy I think I would be ok calling yes. We both work long hours though so I wouldn’t tend to call him randomly unless I knew we both had time to speak and weren’t too tired etc. And then by the time you know it, it’s time to meet again. I think I would be ok calling randomly if I wanted to, I have done it a couple of times

Maybe get a journal and write this stuff out before you text? Sometimes that is enough to slow things down enough so you can make a better choice. Good luck.

@Sadagain1547

I’ve just messaged saying ‘you’re not very chatty tonight, hope you’re ok. Sleep well xxx’

No reply. Definitely going to leave it now and just get on with things like posters have suggested.

I have anxiety too. It reads to me like you're in an anxiety spiral. The things that you do, like the text above, to try and reduce the anxious thought that he's going off you, actually reinforce it. You're doing things like this text, to try and get him to prove he's still interested, but you're doing it in a way that is likely to be annoying and clingy, hence reinforcing the feeling he's losing interest. The anxious thought becomes self fulfilling because your behaviour pushes him away. You say you earn a good wage, use some to get counselling ASAP. None of us can tell you for sure whether he's losing interest, but it sounds to me, as to a lot of PP, like he's gotten to that more comfortable less intense phase that a relationship needs to reach if it will be a long term one.

Only this morning!!
I thought it was Sunday morning!!

OP, I know some people thrive on romantic drama and the Hollywood narrative in Rom Coms continually presents that narrative. You might feel better if you receive that constant level of reassurance but I suspect more potentially suitable long term partners would not be attracted by that need than would be. At best you'll be rejecting suitable, laid back partners and, at worst, inadvertently selecting someone who thrives on the intensity and is absolutely not a long-term prospect. HNRTT but nothing you've written indicated there was initially anything wrong but I suspect the most you prod and push to get a reaction, the more likely you might be in creating discord.

I think you seem to see a binary of either getting any dramatic response or indifference and relationship failure but don't discount the 'normal, chilled' interaction that most relationships that have lasted six months might progress towards. I know anxiety and indeed anyone's behaviour isn't easy to control.

Good luck.

@Notmoresugar no we had breakfast together this morning I know I’m an idiot

You only saw him this morning op! You are far too intense, the text was really accusatory and needy as mentioned, not saying this to be cruel at all, more to make you think. It's 6 months. He is going to run for the hills if you keep up this intensity and insecurity, it's much too hard work for 6 months in. I would absolutely look at therapy for your self esteem issues, you are heavily depressed in your op because he hasn't text as much - in one day.
This isn't normal my lovely. There is nothing to suggest it's going wrong at all, it is all in your head. Don't panic just yet x

I didn't realise you saw him this morning!

Oh OP you are a one

“ I think I would be ok calling yes. We both work long hours though so I wouldn’t tend to call him randomly unless I knew we both had time to speak and weren’t too tired etc. And then by the time you know it, it’s time to meet again. I think I would be ok calling randomly if I wanted to, I have done it a couple of times”

Good, so that, build your confidence in the relationship.
Also, like this evening when you have had a couple of texts, just call him for a quick 5 minute chat. Keep it light, be chilled, he will probably like that he has spoken with you rather than texting ping pong. Plus it sets your mind at rest, so win win.

And maybe you should keep a diary of when you last actually saw him!

You're heading towards high maintenance.
Some people just need a break from constant messages particularly with busy day jobs.
I would hate a partner to constantly message me - it would do my head in. But then I don't like needy men, too much like hard work

I really do understand where you are coming from, i have tendancies towards this sort of anxiety as well.

My way of snapping myself out of it is to make nice plans for evenings/days on my own. So for example you saw your dp this morning, and knew you had this evening to yourself. If that were me i would have had a plan for a nice chick flick, a bubble bath, and a nice bottle of prosecco in the fridge for a little treat night in, and do something that i wouldnt have done if dp was with me.

You need to focus on yourself a bit more, once you start prioritising yourself, then the confidence and security will come.

It might be worth chatting to do about this though. Let him know that the issues are yours, and that you are working on them, that you dont expect hm to change his behaviours at all, but that you want to give him an explanation of sorts as to why you might give off a different energy.

@wildeverose

You only saw him this morning op! You are far too intense, the text was really accusatory and needy as mentioned, not saying this to be cruel at all, more to make you think. It's 6 months. He is going to run for the hills if you keep up this intensity and insecurity, it's much too hard work for 6 months in. I would absolutely look at therapy for your self esteem issues, you are heavily depressed in your op because he hasn't text as much - in one day. This isn't normal my lovely. There is nothing to suggest it's going wrong at all, it is all in your head. Don't panic just yet x

@wildeverose do you think I’ve messed things up by sending that message? I wish I’d not sent it. I can see now that it was silly and unnecessary.

@ChatterMonkey

I really do understand where you are coming from, i have tendancies towards this sort of anxiety as well.

My way of snapping myself out of it is to make nice plans for evenings/days on my own. So for example you saw your dp this morning, and knew you had this evening to yourself. If that were me i would have had a plan for a nice chick flick, a bubble bath, and a nice bottle of prosecco in the fridge for a little treat night in, and do something that i wouldnt have done if dp was with me.

You need to focus on yourself a bit more, once you start prioritising yourself, then the confidence and security will come.

It might be worth chatting to do about this though. Let him know that the issues are yours, and that you are working on them, that you dont expect hm to change his behaviours at all, but that you want to give him an explanation of sorts as to why you might give off a different energy.

@ChatterMonkey thank you. Sometimes I do put things in place and it’s so so much better. Other times I crumble. It’s so frustrating as I’m really reasonable and nice on my ‘good’ days! But once the anxiety hits it’s horrendous.

I’m so worried now that I’ve put him off by that message. That’s how it starts to spiral.

1. You have anxious attachment. Look it up.
2. Read “The Rules” books. Do what they say. You’ll get everything you want, snd more. I did and it works 100%.

Forgot you have sent it there’s nothing you can do now. Or if it’s what’s app delete it! Stop worrying! Sometimes I see messages and don’t respond for a while, not because I don’t care but because I haven’t got the time to write a proper reply so leave it until I do. Sounds like you just need to take a step back and go with the flow. Let him come over at the weekend and just enjoy spending time with him.

Giving your all? Why?

No need to put all your eggs in one basket just because you've met someone. Date others too, then see what happens m

Men do that all the time. Yet so many women meet a man and immediately become invested and focused upon him to the exclusion of all others.

You're only 35 OP there's time to meet The One.

I also wish women wouldn't yammer on about being "insecure" and "needy". You are who you are. They have absolutely no way of knowing that playing it cool will make him like you. They don't know what he's thinking either.

You don't have to hide who you are, to get a man. The right one will like you as you are.

You don't sound needy. You do sound sad.

DaisyPaisy gave good advice